Challenges

by

Matthew McFarland

“Is your belly OK, Miss K?” Dani Kasparczak looked down at León. As always, he was the last kid to leave, always wanting to stick around and help her clean. Normally, she loved it, but today, he was a gnat.

“Yes, León,” she sighed. He looked hurt, but turned and started stacking chairs. Dani stalled; she sat at her desk and pretended to grade the kids’ spelling tests. In truth, she had graded them during recess, but she had to wait for Tyler to arrive before she could leave.

She found herself looking at her stomach again. There was that mixture of fear and joy. A part of her was terrified of Tyler’s reaction. It hadn’t been positive or negative. “Let’s wait until we know,” was all he’d said.

Dani straightened her blouse. She dearly wished she could change clothes, but not with León still there. The boy was still stacking chairs, looking out from under his sandy brown bangs at his teacher every so often. She just half-smiled back the first couple of times, but after that she ignored him.

She got up and walked to the window. The school buses had left. There was no one on the playground. The swings hung limply, swaying slightly in the breeze. The teeter-totter sat, unused since recess when Bill Joseph had gotten a splinter. The wind swept leaves through the jungle gym. Dani sighed. The sight of an empty playground always made her sad, as she felt too old to run out there and play. Maybe that’s why I fell for a younger man?, she thought. Some sort of sublimated pedophilia?

She heard Tyler’s car pull into the lot. Speak of the devil, she thought. She watched him crawl over and get out the passenger side of Nissan; the driver’s side didn’t open. Tyler got out, and adjusted himself, smoothed his hair, and tried to look dignified. Dani laughed softly. Tyler’s clothes were wrinkled and disheveled, his shoes had holes, but he still tried to look dignified. Dani wasn’t sure if that was a middle-class tendency or simply Tyler.

She watched him enter the building, and was about to turn around, when she realized that León would probably want to talk with her if she did. She kept staring out the window at Tyler’s car. His bumper-sticker said ABCDEFUCK. She frowned. She’d told him to back into a parking space so the parents and teachers didn’t see that. He never did.

“How long is this shit gonna take?” Tyler asked, walking into the classroom. Dani turned around, horrified, but León had left. Most of the chairs were stacked, and looking out the window again, Dani saw her student walking slowly toward the swings. Oh, damn it, she thought, I must have hurt his feelings. He didn’t even say good-bye.

“Well?” Tyler was leaning on the opposite wall. Dani sighed and began stacking chairs again.

“I don’t know. Couple minutes. I’ve still got to stack these, then sweep and lock up.”

“Then what?” murmured Tyler, looking at something out the window.

“What?”

“Then what?”

“I don’t know.” She paused to drag a stack of chairs to the corner. “I’m hungry.”

“So we’ll eat.” Tyler sat at her desk and examined his nails.

“Where do you want to go? Please not Sam’s again.” She slammed and chair into a stack, catching her finger between them. “Damn it,” she said, sucking it.

“I didn’t say Sam’s. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just bruised my finger.”

“Oh.” Tyler stretched.

“Well?,” Dani asked.

“Well what?”

“Aren’t you going to kiss it and make it better?” She was aware of how hopeful and childish she sounded.

“No. You said it was nothing.”

“Hmph.” She went back to sucking her finger. “Some father you’d make.”

Tyler got up and walked to the window. He dropped his head against the glass. “I think I frightened your student.”

“Huh?” Dani had been digging the broom out of the closet.

“Your kid.” Not yet, she thought. “The little guy out on the swings.”

“Wouldn’t surprise me. León’s weird.” She started sweeping - pencil shavings, dust, lint, string, paper flakes. It had been fairly quiet today.

“León?” He over pronounced the French name.

“León. His father was French.”

“He speak French?”

“Yeah. Sometimes he forgets English and gets all embarrassed. Why’d you scare him?”

I didn’t do anything on purpose.” Tyler walked over to her and twirled her short hair in his fingers. “He just looked at me funny on his way out.”

Dani turned around and hugged him. “Probably wondered what you were doing with his teacher.” She kissed him on the cheek, leaving a faint red pair of lips.

“I know what I’d like to be doing with his teacher,” breathed Tyler, his hands moving down her back to her bottom.

“What’s that?” She wiggled her hips, enjoying his hands on her.

“Eating dinner.” He smacked her lightly. “Finish up.”

“I am. Let’s go.”

“What about those chairs?” He gestured to the chairs closer to her desk.

“Oh, shit. Yeah, better do that.” She started stacking chairs again. Tyler sat on her desk and watched, then jumped down. “Where are you going?”

“Out for a cigarette.”

“Oh, don’t. Then I’ll want one.”

“So have one.”

She unconsciously put a hand on her stomach. “I can’t.” Tyler turned and walked toward the door, kicking a chair over. It clattered to the floor. “Hey!” she cried.

“Sorry.”

“Yeah, right.” She picked the chair up and put it on the stack. “You’ve got to learn to control your temper.”

“Why?”

She looked at him and took a step back, folding her arms across his stomach. “Don’t be stupid, Tyler.”

He picked up the last chair and stacked it. “Look, we don’t know anything yet, do we?”

“Let’s say we did.”

“Let’s not. Let’s go eat.”

“Why not?”

“Why not what?” He pulled the stack over to the others.

“Why not pretend we know?”

“Because I don’t know what I’d want to do, so I’d prefer not to talk about it ‘til we know. OK?”

“Sure.” She opened the closet, threw in the broom, and grabbed her coat. “Let’s go.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know. We’ll know when we get there. Let’s go.”
“No. If we do that, we’ll just end up at Sam’s again.”

“No thank you. Not after last time. I don’t think I’ll ever eat there again.”

“Oh, I know. That poor guy.”

“Poor guy? Jesus, tell me it’s sanitary to be serving food with a big fucking slice in your face.”

“Not very compassionate,” she chided him.

“Fuck it.” He ended a lot of conversations that way. Tyler walked past her, gently dragging his hand across her stomach. She caught his hand and followed him over to the window. León had left. The playground was empty again. Dani nestled herself into his arms, feeling his heart against her cheek. “Wanna go swing?”, she asked.

“What?” He stoked her face.

“Do you want to go swing?”

Tyler turned his face from hers. “No. I want to eat.”

Dani leaned her head against his shoulder, wiping the tear that had appeared in her eye against his sleeve. “OK.”

“OK, back to the original problem.”

“My place. I’ll cook.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” She stepped away and walked to her desk to retrieve her gym bag. “Let me change first.”

“OK. I’m gonna go smoke.” Tyler walked past her and out the door.

Dani moved behind her desk, out of sight of the window, and began to strip. She was vaguely annoyed that Tyler had not so much as kissed her on his way out, and rather surprised he hadn’t stayed. She slipped out of her slacks, and pulled on her jeans, remembering times that she and Tyler had quickies on her desk. It’s not that I’m a nympho, Dani so often told herself, but if I’m undressed anyway, and he’s here, and there’s no one else around, why not?

But Tyler hadn’t even seemed interested. Dani pulled on her black T-shirt and walked over to the window. She expected to see smoke rising up from the hood of the car, where Tyler usually reclined. Instead, he was pulling his backpack out of his car. He walked around, unlocked his trunk, and tossed it in. He turned around, and smoothed his hair, and tried to look dignified.

That’s weird, thought Dani. Why hadn’t he just thrown the bag on the back seat? What didn’t he want her to see?

She walked back over to her desk and slipped on her shoes. Quit being paranoid, she told herself. His back seat’s probably such a mess he didn’t have room. Or maybe he bought me something and doesn’t want me to see it. Or maybe he wants to make room to fuck in his car. Or whatever. She picked up her purse and jacket, and walked out of the room, locking it behind her.

Tyler crawled across his seat and started the car. It choked to life, and he switched on the tape player. Dani climbed in and threw her bag on the back seat. It was clean back there, nothing cluttering it up, for once.

She hated his music. She liked 70’s stuff. Nothing ever came out of the 80’s she liked, be it ideology, music, or even movies. But Tyler could listen to anything. The song on the tape was slow and weepy, and sounded like U2, not that Dani would know. It was one of Tyler’s many mix-tapes. She had one, but never listened to it.

He drove out of the parking lot, singing quietly along. Dani gazed out the window, wishing he’d turn off the tape and just sing by himself. She loved his voice, when he was singing, anyway. His speaking voice too often held a disdainful bite to it, which he only lost during sex. But his singing voice was a soft, gentle tenor, and she had often snuck into the bathroom while he showered to listen to it. Sitting in his car now, she imagined he was singing to their unborn child.

She ground her nails into her palm, killing those thoughts. Tyler would never marry her, and might not even try to stand by her if she was pregnant. He was too young, and the mere mention of marriage made him immediately raise the pitch of his voice in discomfort. If she was pregnant, she would, in all likelihood, have to go it alone.

They pulled into the parking lot of her apartment complex. She got out, and almost shut the door in Tyler’s face as he climbed after her. He gave her an annoyed look, and walked past her to the door. He dug out his keys and opened the front door, and turned around expectantly.

Dani was still standing next to his car, with a hand on her stomach. She saw the car, the asphalt, the tire, but she wasn’t processing what she saw. What her mind’s eye saw was Tyler pushing her down the flight of stairs just beyond her apartment door. His words shook her out of this.

“Dani? You OK?” No bite this time. Just him. Just that nonchalant tone that she found so damned sexy. It was a challenge, she thought, to make him care, to make him want her, to make him want to stay the night. She loved a challenge.

“Yeah.” Her voice cracked. She hadn’t spoken since they had left the school, and her mouth was dry. She cleared her throat. “Yeah. Let’s go in.”

They climbed the stairs to the second floor, and Dani held the railing tightly. Tyler unlocked the door and opened it for her, locking the deadbolt and the chain behind them. He’s so damned paranoid, she thought. No one’s ever been assaulted here.

She dropped her bag and purse off on the table and watched as Tyler went through his typical routine. He took his coat off and slung it over one of the wooden chairs that sat at the table. He pried off his shoes and placed them on the mat by the door. He took his wallet from his back pocket and set it on the TV, and flopped on the couch. She smiled. She knew him so well.

“So, whatcha making for dinner?” he asked.

“I don’t know. Veggies of some kind.”

Tyler sat up. “Christ, is there no meat here? I thought you had some chicken still.”

“I might,” she sighed. “You know, you should buy your own meat. It’s too expensive.”

“That’s why I don’t buy it. It isn’t my fault you don’t know how to use your teeth.” He stood up and walked over to her, leaning on doorway to the kitchen.

“Oh, don’t I?” She grinned. Tyler smirked, and reached for her. He pulled her close and kissed her. She melted into his kiss, biting his tongue (there’s those teeth, she thought). His hands once again slid down her back, but this time, he slipped one into the back of her jeans. She reached for the button on his pants, trying not to break the kiss.

Then, he pulled back. “Hold on. Let’s eat first.”

She stepped toward him again, pinning him against the wall. “But why?,” she cooed.

“Because we’re hungry. Now, let me go.” He sounded serious. Not angry, not upset, but like he wanted to be let go. So she did. He walked back into the living room and turned on the TV. She dug the chicken out of the fridge. Dani hated the feel of meat. She had been a vegetarian for over three years, and it had taken quite a long time of telling herself that meat was just dead flesh to make that possible. It didn’t help when Tyler chided her about it, either. She really did believe eating meat was cruel and she knew it was unhealthy. Tyler didn’t seem to give either angle a lot of thought. He just dug in. At first she had taken to making baby cow noises when he talked about eating veal; she stopped when he started ordering his meat rare.

She smiled. Maybe she should have made baby people noises when he balked at wearing a condom. That might have persuaded him. But he hated them (so did she, really), and right before sex was no time for that kind of discussion. Several hours before, fine. But not in the heady moments before, both undressed, both ready, her opening her legs and him lowering himself down, pressing his body onto her. She couldn’t interrupt that, not if she wanted to.

She paused, feeling herself growing warmer. Tyler kissing and touching her hadn’t helped much; her panties were slightly damp already. It puzzled her that Tyler had stopped. He usually had no problem fucking her more than once a night. I love that word, thought Dani, it’s so naughty. Fuck, fuck, fuck. She bit her lower lip and smiled, adding seasoning to the chicken.

Tyler was watching the news with disinterest. He was sprawled out on the couch, eyeing the remote as though he wished it would leap into his hand. Finally, he pulled himself to his feet, opened the drawer below the TV, and began looking through Dani’s videos. “What do you want to watch while we eat?”

“We have to watch something?,” she called over the sizzling chicken.

“Usually do.”

“I don’t care.” She heard Tyler’s disgusted snort. He always liked her to decide, then called her indecisive when she didn’t want to. “A comedy.”

“You’ve only got two.”

“Then put in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” She heard him shut the drawer, then heard the TV noise stop as he put the movie in. They never made it through movies. They’d watch half and then go fuck, and she’d have to finish the movie when he left. That was one of her consistent arguments for him staying, so they could finish the movie. They never did, but at least he stayed.

She finished cooking, and they ate, him watching the movie, her watching him eat. She was always insecure about her cooking, especially meat, since she’d only started cooking it since she’d been seeing Tyler. When they’d finished, he took their plates into the kitchen and set them in the sink. Sometimes he did the dishes for her. Most of the time, she did them in the morning.

He came back into the living room and sat on the couch, pulling her up onto his lap. The first time they’d had sex was like this, Dani recalled. They both been only wearing underwear and I was on his lap and we were kissing...and suddenly, bang! There he was inside me. She squirmed a bit, and took a sip of his almost-empty wine cooler.

“What?” he asked.

“What?” she responded coyly.

“You want something?”

“Don’t I usually?”

He picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, then dropped her on the waterbed. “You do understand I can’t stay tonight, right?”

Dani pouted, arching her back. “Why not?”

“Because I have to be somewhere early tomorrow morning.”

“Where?”

“Meeting some friends. Studying. We all bombed the last Chem test.”

“Yuck.” Dani was torn between getting more details - this sounded like an excuse - or pulling him down. She chose the latter. She reached up, grabbed his hand, and jerked him onto the bed.

The sex was good. It always was. Not as rough as usual, but maybe Tyler was being gentle on purpose. Tyler held her down, bit her gently, made her beg. She loved it. She loved him. She loved the thought of their baby being inside her. It scared her, sure, but ultimately it was beautiful. Mine, she thought. Ours, she corrected. She bit his neck, and gently sucked, enjoying the notion of marking him. Mine, she thought again, wrapping herself around him tighter. My man.

When it was over, she laid her head on his chest, listening to his heart slamming against her face. “You OK?”

“Of course,” he breathed, a bit out of breath.

“Your heart’s beating pretty fast.”

“Now why do you think that is?” He rolled her over and kissed her mouth. She returned the kiss, and tried to pull him on top of her. “Whoa, whoa. Give me a minute.”

“Can we do it again tonight?”

“Probably not. I want to leave by about ten.”

Dani looked at the clock. It was just past nine. “You’ve got time.”

“Maybe. We’ll see.” He rolled over on his back and stretched. She pulled him close again they remained there for a few moments, but he seemed tense.

“What’s wrong?” she asked. She knew he’d tell her “nothing” and he did. “No really, you just got all distant suddenly. You want to talk about this?”

“About…?” Oh, come on, she thought.

“Tyler.” He rolled over to face her. “I need you to be part of this, too. This is your – “ she might have said “baby” but Tyler didn’t let her finish. She hadn’t really expected him to, anyway.

“Oh, for god’s sake, Dani.” Tyler sat up. “We don’t know anything yet.”

“I’ve already explained it to you,” said Dani patiently. “I’m a week and a half late. I haven’t been more than a day late in years. The test I took came back positive.”

“Been tested by a doctor yet?” That was always his defense.

“No.”

“Then let’s not worry about it yet.” There was that bite, something between a dismissal and a warning.

“Let’s. Let’s worry. Let’s say I’m pregnant.”

“Let’s not.” He got up and pulled on his boxers, then stalked out of the room. She grabbed her robe and followed.

Tyler was pulling a can of pop out of the fridge. Dani followed him into the kitchen. “Would you please not walk away from me when we’re talking?”

“We weren’t. You were. There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Are you really that scared?” He turned to face her. The look on his face was petulant and frightened.

“Yeah. I am. OK?”

She walked to him and took his hands. “Of what? What’s to be -”

“What’s to be scared of?” He dropped her hands and walked into the living room to collapse on the couch. “Well, I’m twenty years old, I’ve got two years of college left, I don’t want to get married or disowned, and I sure as hell can’t afford to raise a kid. Anything else? That enough?”

Dani sat next to him, and put her arms around his shoulders. She pulled his head over onto her lap and stroked his hair. “We’ll figure something out. You know I’d get lots of aid from...”

“I don’t want to be like my brother, OK? I don’t want to be thirty and already have a kid in grade school.”

Dani smiled. “I think you overestimate how old people are when they have kids.”

Tyler turned over to look up at her. “I think you overestimate how alive I’ll be once my parents find out.”

Dani sighed and shook her head. “Jesus, you’re twenty, you live on your own, what gives them any right to say what you can do?”

“You think I want to be disowned? They would, I think.”

“You think I want to be fired?” Tyler winced at the harshness of her words; so did she. “I love my job, OK? The PTA at that school doesn’t take kindly to teachers being single moms any more than your parents would like the news of you knocking someone up.” Tyler got up and walked across the room. He looked hurt. “What?”

“Nothing.” No bite, no hurt, just calm and slow. “I should get going.”

“What?” This completely threw her. She’d never seen him suddenly want to leave. Leave at inconvenient and annoying times, yes, but never out of the blue. “Why? What’d I say?”

“Nothing.” Bullshit, she thought. “But I need to get some sleep.”

“You said leave by ten, not twenty after nine. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing-”

“Don’t say that! We both know it isn’t true. Just tell me what I did.”

“Nothing. You said `knocked up'.”

“So?”

“Oh, I hate that phrase. It just sounds so ugly.”

“Sorry. That’s no reason to leave.”

“I’m sorry.” The tone was gentle. He walked to her and held her. “I’m scared, I’m tired, I just didn’t think. OK? I’m sorry.” He kissed the top of her head.

“Yeah,” she whispered into his chest.

He stayed until ten. Mostly he just held her and stroked her face. She nestled into his chest and wished with all her might that she was pregnant, and that he’d stay. That was the challenge. To make him stay and to make it work. She’d work for that.

At ten, he left. The look on his face was troubled, as though he was having second thoughts about something. She took his hand as he opened her door. “You OK?”

“Yeah,” he answered quietly. “I’m OK.”

“Sure you can’t stay?”

He smiled, almost sadly. “Wish I could.” He tugged back the collar of his light brown shirt. “What’s this?”

“A mark for luck.” She kissed him.

“Luck, huh?” He squeezed her, but gently. “OK. I could use some luck.”

“I think we both could.”

“Yeah.” He took a step out the door and into the hall. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“When?”

“After school.”

“Thought you had a night class tomorrow.”

He shrugged. “Fuck it. Gotta have priorities.” He kissed her again, and walked off down the stairs.

She heard his car start, heard the crunch of gravel as he drove away. She sat at the top of the stairs in her robe for a long time, wondering. Wondering why if he was studying for Chemistry early in the morning was he not going to class at night, wondering if what she said would be enough to keep him, wondering what his priorities really were. Dani had long been of the opinion that love was unconditional, but looking at it now, it wasn’t. He might be cheating, he might be too young, she hated his music, she hated his eating habits. All in all, she’d be a lot happier if those things changed.

But maybe that was the challenge, she thought. Not to find someone perfect for you, but to find someone who can be perfect for you. Maybe it’s the process. She had, after all, just talked with a co-worker about the kids’ notion that after one had been through school, one had learned everything. She wished she could tell the kids that no, it never ended, you just finally got to a point where you could choose what to learn and what to believe.

Well, thought Dani, I believe Tyler could be perfect for me. She stood up. So we’ll just see what happens, she thought, smiling. She walked into her apartment and locked the door.

© 2000 Matthew McFarland

No reproduction is allowed without the author’s express permission.

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