Cajun French Medical Terminology

The following medical terminology revised for the Cajuns in all of us is one of the most hilariously written pieces I've ever run across. I hope no one takes offense. I think it is excellent!

ARTERY: The study of painting!!!
BARIUM: What you do when CPR fails!!!
CESAREAN SECTION: A district in Rome!!!!
COLIC: A sheep dog!!!
COMA: A punctuation mark!!!!
CONGENITAL: Friendly!!!
DILATE: To live long and die late in life!!!
FESTER: Quicker!!!
G.I. SERIES: Baseball game between teams of soldiers!!
HANGNAIL: A coat hook!!!!
MEDICAL STAFF: A doctor's cane!!!
MORBID: A higher offer!!!
NITRATE: Lower than the day rate!!!
NODE: Was aware of!!!!
OUT PATIENT: A person who has fainted!!!!
POSTOPERATIVE: A letter carrier!!!!
PROTEIN: In favor of young people!!!
SECRETION: Hiding anything!!!
SEROLOGY: The study of English Knighthood!!!!!
TABLET: A small table!!!
TUMOR: An extra pair!!!!
URINE: Opposite of "you're out"!!!
VARICOSE VEINS: Veins which are very close together!!!!

I hope you all enjoyed this little bit of Cajun humor! I only wish I knew who had such a creative imagination so I could give them the credit they deserve! Author is unknown!

What exactly is a Medical Transcriptionist?

I am the silence in your dictation.
I am the silence that listens as you moan and groan, rant and rave about re-dictation and misplaced charts, and your other frustrations before I can start.
You are directing your rage to the wrong person, dear.
I am merely a transcriptionist trying to hear.
I am the silence to whom you yawn, belch, and grumble.
Behind your voice, patients scream, doors slam, babies cry, and carts rumble.
I am the silence who wastes 15 minutes of precious time on "paramedial alopecia" with a cough and a chime on the line only to find out that it is a "bald spot on his head", and that is not why he's occupying a hospital bed!
Please, my dear doctor, you could help me so greatly if you would say "orbicularis, oculi, or oris" more clearly.
If you would, please wear your dentures when you dictate next time, and don't be so sleepy when you come to the line.
I am your silence, dear doctor, you see.
And, I love it when you say "thank you" to me.
My happiness is when you speak up loud and clear.
Then, accurate charts you will have, never fear!

A Medical Transcriptionist....

In the middle of the night
Light from the monitor glows
Trying to get just one more done
Her fingers will never slow
She knows her work is important
Not to the supervisor or company or rest
But for the patient that is waiting
For the doctor to reveal stats from the test
For this she will give up her time
As she starts another, the noise around her fades
She can only hear the lone voice
For it is them that bade
Not seen by many others
Many things she must be
A translator, A typist, A dictionary
With little time to be free
Always there when needed
Knowing that she could save a life
She is the unsung hero
Always willing to work regardless of strife
To her we owe the honors
For we know that she does her best
We give her respect and gratitude
For going above and beyond the rest.

You Might Be a Medical Transcriptionist If....

You can fix stuck keys on your computer keyboard by turning it upside down and banging out the crumbs.
You have a Mr. Coffee within arm's reach of your computer desk.
The first place your husband and children look for you is at your computer desk rather than in the kitchen.
Your husband and children wave their hand between your face and the computer screen to get your attention.
You fold laundry while sitting at your computer desk.
You step on people's feet to get them to repeat what they just said.
You have a bladder capacity of more than a quart.
You have a bookshelf by your computer desk in which no two books are the same color.
Your dream is to someday have every book Stedman makes.
Your wrist rest has food spots on it.
No one who doesn't know how to touch type can use your computer keyboard because at least half the keys have the letters worn off.
Your friends have to learn your macro names in order to read your e-mails to them.
Your husband and children have to learn your macro names in order to read the notes you write them.
You are the only one in your family who can understand the clerks at the 7-11.
You find watching only one TV screen at a time boring.
You correct the pharmacist's spelling.
It aggravates you that the keys on the telephone keypad are in a different order than the keys on the 10-key pad on your computer keyboard.
You have a mini refrigerator sitting next to your computer tower.
More than half the icons on your computer desktop have to do with drugs or dictionaries.
There are more coffee cups in your office than there are in the kitchen.
You have your Mr. Coffee plugged in to your UPS (battery backup).
Your friends want you to go to their doctor appointments with them so you can act as an interpreter.
You go to the doctor with your spouse who tells the doctor, "She's a medical transcriptionist so I'll let her tell you what's wrong with me." To this, the doctor replies, "OK...would you prefer to tell me or do you want to type it?"

Being a medical transcriptionist for quite a few years, I've run across a lot of comical things (like doctors who can't speak correctly and phrase things completely backwards, which makes for quite humorous reading (see samples below) -- and that's why they have "great" medical transcriptionists like moi (to fix things like that) *grin*

Here are a few samples of actual dictated sentences that are totally incorrect:

The patient saw the doctor complaining of chest pain.
The patient was hit in the rear by an 18-wheeler.
The patient was put in a sling and taken to the recovery room.
The patient complains that her husband doesn't help her, but she is still sexually active.
The patient was examined with his wife of 63 years.

These are the corrected sentences by an M.T.:

The patient saw the doctor for complaints of chest pain.
The patient's vehicle was rear-ended by an 18-wheeler.
The patient's arm was placed in a sling, and the patient was taken to the recovery room.
The patient complains that her husband does not help her. She states she is still sexually active.
The patient was examined with his wife of 63 years present in the room.

The above were things I have personally run across. I have a whole list of others, as well, and they are equally as hilarious:

GENERAL: The patient is emancipated. Should read The patient is emaciated.
FAMILY HISTORY: The patient died of cancer in his 70s. Should read, The patient's father died of cancer in his 70s.
PAST MEDICAL HISTORY: Some type of carcinoma of the forehead of her skin for which she received radiation. Should read, some type of carcinoma of the skin of her forehead for which she received radiation.
The patient is leaving the hospital with a 24 hour Holter monitor in place in the home setting for further evaluation of the palpitations. Should read, The patient is leaving the hospital wiht a 24 hour Holter monitor in place for further evaluation of palpitations in the home setting.
A chest x-ray showed cardiomegaly consistent with a pericardial infusion. Should read, A chest xray showed cardiomegaly consistent with a pericardial effusion.
Medication dictated as "Queen-eene" sulfate. Should read as Quinine sulfate.
Subsequently, she had a consultation with Dr. B*** who underwent an esophagogastroduodenoscopy. Should read, subsequently, she had a consultation with Dr. B. who performed an esophagogastroduodenoscopy.
Dr. B*** was consulted to look into the patient's PEG tube. Should read, Dr. B. was consulted to evaluate the patient's PEG tube.
Clostridium Difficile - Pronounced by M.D. as "Clostridium diffisully"
parenchymal pronounced as "pericarma" by M.D.
(Found in one of the charts) ABDOMEN: Soft. Vital signs are present. The PEG sight is without any drainage. Should have read as, ABDOMEN: Soft. Bowel sounds are present. The PEG site is without any drainage.
HEENT: She is dentulous, throat is negative. Should have read as, She is edentulous. Throat is negative.
The gallbladder was inspected and appeared to have slight hyperemia, consistent with early acute appendicitis…………………The gallbladder was grasped with the Endo Babcock instrument. The mesoappendix was identified. Of course, this one should read as, The appendix in both places and not gallbladder.
Dictated in a consult PE: HEAD & NECK: 97. Pulse..... This should read as VITAL SIGNS: Pulse 97.
Dictated in HPI: He has limited walking tolerance and can only stand for approximately ten minutes prior to having to sit down next to his pain. This should read as, he has limited walking tolerance and can only stand for approximately 10 minutes prior to having to sit down due to his pain.
MEDICATIONS: 1. Phenergan suppositories 25 mg p.o. p.r.n. nausea. This should read as Phenergan suppositories 25 mg prn nausea.
Congestive heart failure exasperation. This should read as congestive heart failure exacerbation.
On September 3, 2002, a heart catheterization was done, which showed: 1) Normal coronary artiography. This should read as 1) Normal coronary arteriography.
FAMILY HISTORY: The patient died at 53 of a myocardial infarction and sudden death. This one should read as The patient's ______ died at 53 of sudden death due to a myocardial infarction.
1. Left heart catheterization. A. Left main is normal. Left anterior descending has a 40% proximal first septal preforator. This should be septal perforator.
BIRTH HISTORY: Non-spontaneous vaginal delivery. This should be normal spontaneous vaginal delivery.
Actually dictated in DISCHARGE SUMMARY: On day two, the patient's gastrostomy tube was placed to vent, because it was felt that the child likely had excessive gas from excessive crying in the belly. This should be because it was felt that the child likely had excessive gas in the belly due to excessive crying.
Transcribed in DIAGNOSES: Prolactin to decrease the tumor. Actually dictated: Prolactin secreting tumor.
The patient is a 73 year old white female who began passing stool per rectum two days prior to this. She has passed no stool or gas per bladder but has passed stool per vagina. This should be who began passing stool per vagina, and passed no stool or gas per rectum.
On June 22, 2002, the patient talked about his alteration with his father prior to admission. The correct word should be altercation.
Impotence was 240 ohms. The correct word is impedance.

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