Dear Nowell,
For years now I’ve been battling with unnatural desires, but am finding it harder and harder to keep myself under control, just walking past the fresh fish counter in Tesco gives me an erection and I have an overwhelming urge to disrobe and do something perverse with the sardines, and they’re so small and helpless looking. Please, for God’s sake, what’s wrong with me?
Frightened Freddy.
Fear not Freddy, fishy, fishy Freddy,
What you have is a fish fetish, Freddy, it’s quite natural, as are all fetishes, don’t be afraid of unbalancing the scales if you give in to it. In fact I recommend you surrender yourself to it, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Somewhere out there is a sardine of legal age who has been waiting for you all its fishy life, find it Freddy, find it and embrace it and love it and you’ll feel so much better. You are not alone in being a fish fetishist (I think I said that right) I knew a man who had a thing for oysters, for him they were more than an aphrodisiac, they were his friends, lovers, there was no one like him for bringing an oyster out of it’s shell, in fact he could bring a dozen out in under a minute and spit any pearls out of his mouth, which was pretty amazing when you considered the route they had travelled. What I’m saying Freddy, is that he wasn’t afraid to suck or blow and neither must you be. Freddy, darling, I implore you, kiss the fish, before it’s too late.
Kisses, N.
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Dear Mr Cowardice,
My Top is driving me mad, whenever I’ve transgressed, in an adult and mature way of course, and he has cause to spank me, with my full consent and willing submission, and have gone across his knee without fuss or thought of sexual gratification, he hums and I don’t mean he smells, though his underpants could be fresher, I’ve seen race tracks with fewer skid marks. No, I mean he actually hums a tune as he spanks me; it’s most disconcerting to have someone hum a medley of Beatles tunes as they beat your arse black and blue. What the heck is wrong with the man, I mean he could at the very least hum a medley of The Kinks tunes?
Yours in perplexity…Peter.
Dear Pete,
Be perplexed no longer, your humming Top is nothing to fret about. He simply has an unusual variation on that old box standard fetish ‘the hum job,’ whereby a man hums a tune as he gives oral sex to another. Obviously your Top gets his kicks from beating out a rhythm on your naughty tom toms rather than blowing a tune down your reed instrument. I suggest you have a mature chat with him about his choice of music; after all Peter my pet, it’s your botty that has to do all the listening. At least you can’t say life is hum drum, hum bum perhaps…..ha-ha, just my little joke there.
Ciao…N xx
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Dear no eyebrows of London,
Put bluntly; your joint fetishes of ‘pumping’ and ‘golden showering’ just don’t mix, especially if the hoover is plugged in. Next time you might not be so lucky and the resulting explosion will blow off more than your eyebrows. Is a huge orgasm really worth that? You were also fortunate that no one else was in the office at the time. Fetishes are natural, but best practised safely at home with consenting and like-minded people rather than non-consenting electrical appliances. There’s an old and wise saying where I come from: never piss into the hoover hose while it’s sucking dust from your lower stairs.
Toppishly, N.C.
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Dear Nowell,
Every time I get into a car I become very, very aroused, which isn’t too bad if I’m travelling alone or with my partner, it leads to some pleasurable pit stops. However, lately it’s got worse and has been accompanied by a desire to stick my erect penis into someone’s armpit. My partner, though slightly taken aback to find a cock under his arm as he tried to find a parking place at the shopping centre, took it quite well and said that he sweated much less under that arm afterwards. Alas, my boss was less laid back when I succumbed to the urge as he gave me a lift to a conference and although he managed to come out of the seventy miles an hour tailspin nicely without hitting any other vehicles, his wife who was travelling with us, sadly had a heart attack. I’m so confused, what is wrong with me? I want to be normal; I want to have nice acceptable kinky desires, like spanking and mouth soaping and wearing women’s knickers.
Sobbingly desperate, Brad.
My dear desperate bagpiping Brad,
I’m quite moist here and not where you might think. Don’t despair. It seems to me that you’ve repressed things for too long and the result is an unfortunate, but powerful fetish combination of Auto/erotica, getting turned on in cars, and Auxiliary intercourse, also known as Bagpiping, basically a desire to climax in armpits. You simply need to confront your fetishes, own them, be proud of them, un-demonise them dear boy! Just because they’re fetishes that are less known and less talked about than bdsm and such like doesn’t make them any less valid. You just have to learn to control them. Your partner sounds a jolly nice chap, I shudder to think how my own dear love would react if I shot off into his armpit while he was driving, and I suggest you work out a discipline system with him that involves punishments for inappropriate use of other people’s armpits while in a moving vehicle. That way you get to own and employ a nice acceptable kink to help you manage your more kinky kinks.
Ta-ta and best of luck…N. x
Be kinky, be happy, be empowered, whatever your kink, there’s someone out there who will share it if you ask nicely and wash your hands afterwards.