| IT’S ALL IN THE STARS! Brat’s Horoscopes By Mystified Mog (aka Cat;-) Discover what the stars have got in store for you in the coming days. Cancer June 21-July 21: Cancerians are in for a hectic month: the sun in conversation with Venus can mean only one thing...that sleazy and unfortunate episode with a bell boy from Bridlinton is coming back to haunt you, Venus, the little shit in question, has sold his story to the tabloid press, and tomorrow you'll have much explaing to do when your beloved picks up the Sun from the door mat and sees your name emblazoned across it! Love bunny you might once have been, but adopting the persona of a much faster animal is your best chance of survival, I suggest a cheetah on steroid injections. Lucky milkshake: Any flavour, as long as it comes in a well sealed bottle, so it doesn't spill as you flee. Leo July 22-August 22: Alas my poor Lions, August is not going to be the best of months with Mercury going out of phase, stroppy sod that he is! It could well mean that those tomato plants your beloved has so lovingly tended all summer will wilt and die in mysterious circumstances, at least mysterious to you, as you will have no recollection of watering them in a highly unconventional way after a night out with the lads. Friday is a good day for travel, the further the better, as this is the day that your busy body neighbour tells your top what he saw from his bedroom window late Wednesday evening. Lucky item of clothing: running shorts, try to be in them when they make a dash for it. Aries March 20 - April 19: Aries folk have a strong drive to find their individual style, they love to make their imprint on the world, to be able to say with pride "I did that!" Word of caution, at all costs, avoid saying "I did that" on Tuesday evening as you sit watching the news with your man, he honestly won't be impressed by your proud admission that you were the masked man spotted on cctv robbing the local Post Office. Lucky prison sentence: one without hope of release, especially since your top has ominously vowed to wait for you!. Taurus April 20 - May 19: Romance, romance, romance, you lucky little bullocks, this is the month for love. Tuesday July 27th is an excellent night for a date, or a fig if dates are hard to come by, a grape would do at a push, but don't push it too far, or it won't come out, and no one likes sitting in casualty with someone spitting grape pips from unusual places! Lucky fruit: anything but grapes. Lucky dip: the one made by the doctor who eventually retrieves the grape: ask him for a date, if you're lucky he might even have a banana. Gemini May 20-June 20: The Moon in Neptune means sadly thatGeminis have a limp, soggy kind of month ahead, due mainly to the fact that someone left the bath taps running the morning they set off for a three week holiday in Spain. Sitting comfortably looks unlikely until some time in the next Lunar cycle. Lucky cat: the one that managed to cling to the light fitting as the house filled with water. Virgo August 23-Sept 21: With the Moon due to closely embrace Neptune over the course of the next few days(bloody hell, the planets are on viagra)Friday will be a full moon to remember for the lovers amongst you, except for those of you who have Werewolves for tops, for God's sake don't let him give you a love bite. Lucky gun:one containing a silver bullet. Libra Sept 22-Oct 22: A particulary fine weekend for travel is starred for you well balanced Librians out there, or is that librarians, I've just dropped marmalade on my astrological chart, so it's a bit muzzy. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, travel, it looks promising, I think. Mars will send a beam to Pluto, hop aboard, and be daring, don't buy a ticket! Monday looks grim, there's a dark shape looming over the twin moons of Uranus...hang on(marmalade again)let me re-phrase that, there's a large top with a huge paddle looming over your bare twin moons, happen he'll have discovered your fare dodging activities on the Pluto Bus Company Line at the weekend. Lucky day: everyone else’s but yours. Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21: A month of mixed fortunes ahead for those of you born on the tail of Scorpio, the Scorpion concerned being not best pleased. Venus and Mars remain within a tiny degree of one another, what we in the know call a "sextile" and what the rest of you call "bollocks." This means that love is likely to blossom for both singles and committed couples, in fact threesomes could well prove a lot of fun. Beware tall Wizards with long wands at midnight on Saturday, on no account approach him to claim your three wishes, as it is likely to be no other than Norman Gandalf, local lunatic, who is due to escape from a high security hospital. Lucky spell: one that renders you invisible when your partner discovers you've been caught speeding again. Pisces Feb 18-March 19: Thursday is going to be one of those days for Pisceans, you'd do well to remain indoors, in fact you'd be best to stay in bed, even then I can't guarantee you'll get through unscathed. I won't say anymore, don't want to ruin your day. Friday looks better, but don't attempt to whip up a souffle or do anything other than sit very still. Saturday looks highly promising, you should be able to sit down comfortably again, if only to make a start on the 700 lines your top has given you after that unfortunate souffle incident(I did warn you) Lucky recipe: one that doesn't involve eggs. Aquarius Jan 20-Feb17: Sunday is a superb day for washing and polishing the car, before taking it on a long drive to the coast, borrow a neighbours, or your top's, if you don't have one of your own, but remember to ask first this time. Aquarian's, not surprisingly, love anything to with water, and Sunday is again a superb day for indulging in water sports of any description. Both water skiing and surfing are excellent activities to go for. Lucky beauty treatment: dead sea mud, plaster all over your face so your top won't recognise you when the coastguard brings you back to shore...in future try to remember to actually get out of the car before attempting to ride the waves. Capricorn Dec 22-to Jan 19: Goats will dazzle this month as the Sun reaches the Meridian of Mars! You'll shine, shine shine with new found confidence as you stride out in your gold lurex trousers, spandex shirt, metallic shoes, chunky gold jewellery, yellow blonde hair and fake golden tan. As you gleam and glimmer, try to spare a thought for those whose fortunes are less bright, especially your partners who had to endure having his heart re-started when you presented him with your new "look." Beware dark suited strangers asking questions on Tuesday, the police can't prove that the sun striking your person blinded that bus driver, causing him to lose control of his vehicle and demolish a row of bungalows. Lucky colour, not gold, or any variation thereof. Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21: Computers crashing, appliances stalling, negotiations failing, tempers fraying...yep, a fairly relaxed month ahead for Sagittarians. The twelfth of August looks to be the most auspicous day for you archers, except if you're a Red Grouse, in which case HIDE! Good humour and optimism are typical archer traits, alas, on the dark side, so is tactlessness and irresponsibility. Telling your top's favourite aunt that yes, her backside did indeed look hugely fat in the hideous skirt she was wearing, was both tactless and irresponsible, your top certainly wasn't amused. Be optimistic about your chances of escaping a spanking, they won't come to anything, but hey, you're a sagittarian, being optimistic is part of your nature. Lucky Stone: not the one you've been hiding under since making the above remark, your top will find you. Astronomer’s note: no responsibility can be taken for predictions that fail to come to fruition, ultimately, we all make our own fart, er I mean fate, and the fact that the stars never lie must be taken at face value with a pinch of salt and tongue in cheek(the cheeks of your choice) |
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