YOUR FESTIVE HOROSCOPES BY MYSTIC MOG...



Aries March 20 - April 19:
Well, what does Christmas hold for all you exuberant Rams? Let me rub
my ball and have a peek. Beware a Spaceman due to come travelling…Oh hang on, no, don’t panic, it’s just a seasonal song by Chris-de-Burgh that’s filtered through my psychic sound waves. Dominant Rams are well sought after at this time of year, so sprinkle some glitter on your paddle and go make a big impression on the party scene. Avoid the Young Farmers Christmas bash though, Dominant Rams mean a different thing to them.  You could end up on a Welsh hillside shagging sheep until well into the New Year.

Taurus April 20 - May 19:
Being warm and caring are well known Taurus traits and excellent qualities for a Top. You get on well with just about everyone which makes you especially popular at festive parties, as you’re willing to get it on with anyone, male or female, and often in tandem, yep, Christmas is a great time to be a bossy bisexual. The New Year will bring happiness relationship wise, in the form of bisexual twin brats, one of each sex. On the money front…the Queen’s head. Hors Doeuvres could bring a touch of spice into life for a certain someone on or around the fifteenth, when a cute Greek waiter slops his spicy meatballs into your lap. Don’t take accidents at face value, note the gleam in his eye as he whisks his cloth around the devastated area. Offer to take him out for some spanikopita and half a lager.

Gemini May 20-June 20:
Gemini’s have a certain duality to their characters, though what the hell that means I have no clue. Perhaps it means you can be at two separate Christmas parties at one and the same time, try it, let me know if it works out. Beware flying snowmen on Christmas Eve, and I’m not talking Raymond Briggs here, someone will spike your sherry with hallucinatory drugs. Make it your New Year resolution to find and spank them as they deserve, who knows, it could lead to a beautiful friendship. Gemini brats beware, spiking the drinks of  hunky dark haired rugby players is ill starred.

Cancer June 21-July 21:
Crabs need to tread carefully this Christmas, otherwise you’ll fall off the kerb and break a claw. Wannabe tops please exercise caution, make sure you have what it takes before undertaking such a role, it’s not as easy as it looks. If you decide that topping isn’t really for you, and that what you’re actually interested in, is acting out domination fantasies, and indulging in power play for personal gratification(and why not) then join a BDSM club. Do go easy on the tight leather garments though, you don’t want to end up squeaking as you walk.

Leo July 22-August 22:
So, you were made a real fool of this year, get over it, shit happens, take pride in the fact that you were made a fool of  by a true expert. Try to be less gullible, don’t believe everything you’re told, not even if you really, really want to. Beware of people wielding canes this Christmas, unless they’re candy canes, in which case give them a suck, but do ask permission first, licking a person’s rod unexpectedly can cause all kinds of complications. Romance looks well starred for the festive period, the person you’ve been exchanging smouldering looks with at the gym, will conveniently faint under a sprig of Mistletoe, thus presenting you with the ideal opportunity to have a really good snog under the guise of giving the kiss of life.

Virgo August 23-Sept 21:
Virgos have a strong sense of duty, but be warned, drinking festive cocktails composed of industrial strength vodka mixed with bourbon and Communion wine on Christmas Eve, is not a good idea, as it could well cause that sense of duty to be undermined. This advice is especially important if you’re a Vicar about to conduct Midnight Mass in front of the Bishop. He will not appreciate you swinging merrily from the bell ropes while singing a dirty version of Silent Night. You could well be singing a different tune when he gets you home ducky, and it won’t be Ding Dong Merrily On High.

Libra Sept 22-Oct 22:
December is an auspicious month for shampooing your hair, if you have any, if not, shampoo someone else’s hair, or if really pressed, their rabbit. Neptune in conflict with Venus can mean only one thing, your partner has invited his parents, who despite all your Librian charm and suaveness, loathe and despise you, to Christmas dinner. Don’t despair, you will survive…Oh as long as you know how to love you know you’ll stay alive; you’ve got all your life to live, you’ve got all your love to give and you’ll survive, you will survive...Ahem, excuse me,  a Gloria Gaynor moment there, the party season is definitely upon us.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21:
Uranus rising in Libra casts dark shadows over the festive month for Scorpions. There is one bright moment starred in an otherwise bleak midwinter…your brat will accidentally set fire to the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve when the fairy lights he has just changed a fuse on, mysteriously explode. Use that famed Scorpio resourcefulness to change disaster into something more positive, roast your turkey in the embers. Sex is not advised until well after the New Year…or at least until you’ve managed to pluck out all the pine needles blown onto your baubles via the explosion, that’ll teach you to sit watching telly in the nude.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21:
December is a month of elation for many Sagittarian tops and brats, the financial restraints binding you have disappeared, and you are living life to the full and having fun. Mike of Middleham, take my advice, eat, drink and be merry….for on Christmas Eve your top returns from his month abroad, and when he finds out that you’ve taken out a new credit card without discussing it with him first, there’s bound to be repercussions. Rudolph’s famed red nose will have nothing on your backside which will shine brighter than the star that led the Wise Men to find baby J! Top Sagittarians have never been more confident and prepared to face whatever life throws at them. Bill of Bradford beware, your brat is set to over indulge with Babycham at the office Christmas party, wear something washable.

Capricorn Dec 22-to Jan 19:
Disciplined, responsible, reserved, conservative, hard working, serious, good planners, Capricorns make really crap fictional brats, and will never appear in a Cat Christmas story. While for some this might be the equivalent of being handed the Holy Grail, for others it could lead to depression and a suicide bid, which means that in all likelihood they’ve got their birth date wrong and they’re really some other birth sign, one with more impulsive and reckless traits, if this applies to you, seek help from a professional astrological therapist, it’s never too late to find out what Birth sign you really are.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 17:
Aquarians are well known for their often wilful, rebellious and frankly bizarre behaviour, but please, try to practice some restraint this Christmas. Taking treble the recommended dosage of Viagra shortly before attending the Lord Mayor’s Christmas Dinner is not well starred. The Lady Mayoress will not be impressed by your ability to apparently make the table levitate, especially when she peeks under the cloth to see how you do it. Sprouts pose a danger for some water babes this Christmas; performing your hilarious party piece of blasting a series of them from a certain part of your anatomy will not go down well at the Mason’s Christmas lunch. You will be asked to leave, unfortunately you will not leave alone, as the chief Mason, your top, will insist on personally escorting you home.

Pisces Feb 18-March 19:
Pink PVC is so out darlings, especially in conjunction with green high heels and faux diamond dog collars, don’t even think about wearing such fripperies to the annual Gay and Lesbian festive dinner dance. Romance looks well starred. However, boy brats in search of the top of their dreams should tread carefully, the big butch bloke with the cute moustache, broad shoulders and air of quiet danger is in fact Sister Angelina, founder of the Christian Dyke Sisterhood Church, asking her for a date could well lead to hospitalisation for the New Year. Beware low flying figgy pudding on the 25th.


Mystic Mog wishes all star signs a Happy Christmas and peaceful New Year.