It’s  All In The Stars…Again!
Top’s Horoscopes.
By Mystic Mog (aka Cat)

Aries March 20 - April 19:
A chaotic month which given the nature of your brat will ultimately provide
more answers than questions as he completely goes overboard in his attemptso explain away the snapping turtle in the Gucci handbag you gave yourmother for her birthday. Do not become downhearted, even if the odds do lookcompletely hopeless, you will, as always, get right to the ‘bottom’ of things.
Lucky day: Tuesday, your mother's birthday, and luckily she's staying with
your sister when she unwraps your gift. Lucky charm: a cherry wood paddle.


Taurus April 20 - May 19:
Mercury rising in Taurus on the ninth can mean only one thing: your brat has
been interfering with the heating controls again and the room thermometer
will explode. Stay calm, take deep breaths, he'll eventually get tired of
hiding in the cupboard under the stairs and will emerge to meet your
righteous, yet patiently expressed wrath. Beware big fish heading your way onthe fourteenth, under no circumstances approach them, ignore them andthey'll go away…make urgent note to check the leaves your brat uses in his specialitysalad. Lucky drink: hemlock on the rocks. Lucky sandwich filling: smokedhaddock and custard.

Gemini May 20-June 20:
NOT a good day for colonic irrigation as your brat has been using your tube
to syphon the petrol from your car into his own. You will need all your
famed Toppish resources on Thursday, and a hairbrush, when the bathroom
erupts into a huge fireball, try to retain a sense of humour, after all,
your brat and his mates genuinely think it's funny to light their farts for
entertainment. Remember, you were young and silly once yourself, oh yes youwere, on August the second 1979 according to the stars and an entry in the local newspapers for that date. Lucky apology: none that fall from your beloved's lips. Lucky ice cream flavour: low fat, low sugar crab and cabbage.

Cancer June 21-July 21:
You’ll be pleased to learn that at long last, due to the influence of Venus in Aries, you will finally make a big impression on your brat. Don’t get too excited though, as this simply means that in a state of unwise drunkenness he allowed a mate with Renoir delusions to tattoo a likeness of your face onto his bum…spanking his bottom will never be the same again. Lucky day: sorry, not this year.


Leo July 22-August 22:
Pluto ensures that you’re in an irritable mood this week, try to remember that you love him despite his silly name and lack of common sense. Your neighbours cat will eventually recover from being shampooed, blow dried and waxed in the car wash, and as Pluto said, how was he to know it was napping on the roof rack again, and its coat  DOES indeed have a lovely shine to it. Lucky shellfish: Whelks. Lucky Days: Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, the days that your beloved is mercifully and quietly confined to bed with a mild dose of food poisoning after consuming vast numbers of aforementioned whelks, which he found outside the recently shut down seafood restaurant.


Virgo August 23-Sept 21:
On Tuesday your authoritarian instincts tell you that someone you love is keeping naughty secrets from you, and, as always, your Top radar will be bang on target. Bide your time, be toppishly patient and he will finally crack and tell you what’s on his mind, and more to the point, what’s under the huge lump in the sitting room floor that you are destined to trip over. Take heart, the good news is that your ankle will heal well. Lucky muffin: Peach and anchovy.


Libra Sept 22-Oct 22:
An excellent day for tipping those famous Libra scales by drinking too much, swearing at the vicar, fingering a traffic cop and driving over the speed limit. As your brat is out of town on business he will never know about your slip of virtue. After all, even Tops need a day off from time to time. Thursday is well starred as a day of remorse and regret. If it helps, wear a hair shirt, spank yourself soundly with a hairbrush and enrol on a course for Toppled Tops. Lucky charm: eye of bat and tongue of newt, a fallen top, but oh so cute.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21:
Remove all interior doors from their hinges and cancel all outside appointments for the next two days. Jupiter’s presence in Capricorn means a period of upheaval and unsettlement when your brat gets out of bed the wrong side on Monday. You’ll need all your top like resources and resilience to deal with the ensuing huffing and flouncing which will be of a truly momentous nature. Star Advice of the day: Buy a bigger paddle and invest in some Valium, you’ll need it.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21:
The world will end shortly after ten o clock  on Friday evening, but don’t panic, there WILL be a new series of Friends, the cast have been offered ownership  of the planet to make one last set, so be at ease, your brat will eventually stop moping and weeping over pictures of Joey and Chandler, the favourite couple in his fantasy threesome with hand cuffs. Rumours of an earthquake in Peckham on Sunday turn out to be no more than a bout of ferocious door slamming, on the part of your brat, when he discovers you’ve killed and cooked the duck that he bought to emulate the one owned by Chandler and Joey in Friends. Lucky feather: anything but duck.

Capricorn Dec 22-to Jan 19:
The Sun burning brightly in Uranus on Saturday can only mean one thing…you allowed your brat to enact a root ginger fantasy on Friday night. Try not to be too cross with him, even if he did spike your cocoa with industrial strength alcohol in order to get you to agree. You actually did enjoy it at the time, even if you have no recollection. Be of good cheer, your vision will return to normal by Tuesday and you’ll be able to locate the paddle once again. Lucky stone:  Mick Jagger.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 17:
Water Tops are in for a treat this weekend, as the influence of Jupiter in conjunction with Mercury and association with the Electricity board, is set to cause something of a surge in your personal life, leading to a romantic evening and general good body vibes. Broken into plain English this translates as, I have a mate who works for Northern Electric and he’s told me that industrial action is imminent on Friday night, plunging Playstations and computers into silence, and all into darkness. There’s nothing to do but go to bed and shag it out with your beloved. Lucky sod: yes, you really are.

Pisces Feb 18-March 19:
Fish folk are oddly starred this month, in fact oddly starred at the best of times, can’t be easy getting through life with scales and fins. Thursday will be an eventful day, an odd looking stranger will approach you with a proposition, don’t be too hasty in turning him down, or he’ll cry. Look more closely, the stranger is in fact your very own brat, who has allowed his mates at hairdressing and beauty college to give him a makeover. Fear not, the piercings will grow on you, the lime green highlights will grow out and the tattoos will respond to extensive laser surgery. Breathing heavily into a brown paper bag looks promising. Lucky fish: Smoked kipper…an excellent alternative to the leather paddle that has mysteriously gone missing.


Stargazer’s note: No responsibility can be taken………for anything, my doctor will confirm this to anyone who complains about non fulfilment of predictions.