1.Chairs and Rugs: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly! If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag will do.

2.Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is open, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

3.Guests: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for particularly bad "tuna breath," so much the better.
a. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: White-furred cats go to black wool clothing. Note: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
b. For the guest that exclaims, "I LOVE kitties!" - be aloof and disdainful, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on ankles.
c. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.
d. Always accompany guest to bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything: just sit and stare. If thirsty, be sure to position yourself in the sink such that your bottom is in plain view at the guest eye level when they are seated, lift tail high to denote concentration.

4.Work: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping". The following are rules for helping:
a. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, and then picked up and comforted.
b. For telephone conversations, rub against the phone (or at least the human's legs) and meow loudly and insistently, all the while pacing back and forth. If possible, depress any button with a clever paw, or gnaw through the cord at an opportune moment.
c. For book readers, get in close, under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
d. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often, reach over and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to help.

5.Play: This is most important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are fresh for Catch-the-Mouse or King-of-the-Hill on the humans' bed between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m. Twenty naps a day should be sufficient.

Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught, if you start early and are consistent.