Well, this is real complicated, but I have to leave the country every 3 months. I just left the country ? on a plane ? last week. Now I thought I had to go back to Wilmer, but my friend ?he?s not gay either ? he told me I could go anywhere! I guess the cheapest place to go to is Hong Kong. So that?s where I went to.
Hong Kong sure isn?t the cheapest place in the world, I?ll tell you that right off! But everyone knows I?m always down for the party, so I said ?what the heck?, ya know?
Now I just want to get it straight that the places I go to in Taipei aren?t for gays. There sure the Christ are gays there, but I learned straight off how to find them - they don?t like to wear shirts, and they blow whistles a lot. Anyways, this place I went to in Hong Kong was an awful lot like a funny place in Taipei called Texas Sound. There were whistles from here to North Dakota, but I didn?t talk to any gay looking guys.
Now, I?m not a bad looking guy ? no Alex Trebek or nothin?, but who is? Not me. So, gay guys like to talk to me sometimes ? not that I want to talk to them.
So this guy said something about ?E?. I thought, ?Hey this guy must know me or something?. That?s ?cause MY name is ?E?. Not my realname?just my curling buddies ? they call me E because of Erickson I guess. Those guys are crazy! He just bought me a beer and said to wait a second. He seemed pretty nice, ?cause he even told me I didn?t need to pay for it. Then we started talking about stuff. I said some weird things like ?I like big juicy tits? and whatever. That?s just because I was thinking, ?What the Christ am I gonna do if this guy?s a gay?? Anyways, he didn?t seem to mind, so we were drinking and talking about stuff, and he just started saying crazy things. Then, he was talking about his girlfriend, and he said how she doesn?t even know about the guys he slept with. I heard it right, he said ?guys?. I thought ?gee, that?s weird?, but right when I was thinking that, I started feeling really funny. It was like the time me and Sven got really drunk and he buried my head in snow. Then I knew what was going on: This guy was a gay! But I sure the heck ain?t! He must?ve put some stuff in my drink. Well, I asked him about it and he said that he?d better take me back to my hotel. And I said, ?Listen, buddy?? And then I don?t know. I guess he dropped me off at my hotel, but I woke up on a sidewalk. Right outside!
I felt a little cold, not ?cause the weather was cold, but just because I forgot to wear pants. You know I dreamed about that once, but I never really thought it would happen. I must?ve been pretty drunk when I left the hotel, ?cause I really swear I wore pants the night before. I was pretty embarrassed there without my pants! People were looking at me like I was a gay or something.
Well, I got back to my hotel finally. Boy, was I happy. After that, I went right back out to the airport. I had to wait for about ten hours, but I was lucky, and they had a snowmobile magazine at the bookstore there, so I read that from the front all the way back.
My friends back here tell me that I got some ?GHB? in my drink. I guess GHB makes you sleep or something. They like to laugh at me and tell me that some guy ?made love? to me. They tease me about my ?boyfriend?, and say I?m a ?GHB Princess? and stuff. Those guys are always just kidding around, you know: Canadians. I don?t care, though, ?cause I know I?m not gay?and, even if some guy slept with me, I didn?t have any fun. So, I guess there?s a moral to this. You know, like a message. So, next time you have to get a visa, just go back to Wilmer. That?s what I?m gonna do.
Hans Erickson
www.oriented.org
