Then it hit me – literally, as things often do in the streets of Taipei (not to mention alleys, sidewalks, and bars). I was re-enacting a good John Woo action sequence while crossing a busy intersection when a scooter nailed me. I didn’t catch the licence plate, or any of the features of the driver – who was showing his condolences by driving away as fast as those 50 ccs would carry him. All I did see was “Jog is fascinating to you” etched on the side of the scooter. Of course!
The quirky little enigmatic English messages on scooter in Taiwan can’t remain unnoticed by any (English speaking) foreigners in Taiwan for long. Naturally, the reactions very greatly. “The Best Racer you are from now on! No one can be my partner” can elicit childlike glee from one person, absolute indifference from another, a derisive snort from someone else, and confusion from yet another.
Invariably, any train of thought about these little gems, given enough time, leads to bewilderment. Who writes these things? Why can’t a company like Yamaha spare a couple hundred $NT for someone to edit them – particularly in Taiwan, where so many people speak English fairly well? Usually I have enough going on to get my mind off of this and accept the fact that, as is the case for Romanization systems, nobody really cares. And for good reason; it doesn’t matter.
Or does it? A number of these slogans seem to be no less than well-crafted Zen Koans. The Koan is, according to Teach Yourself Buddhism (the recognized authority on Buddhist thought for Ritalin kids), a technique used to stop the discriminating mind with its reliance on intellectual understanding.
What is the sound of one hand clapping? This question can’t be answered with a rational analysis, and any attempt to do so will result in little more than a headache. This is the point: Koans are supposed to stop the mind from wandering and help you to achieve true meditation.
“Now, come on,” you might be thinking, “this scooter gibberish is nothing more than simple grammatical and spelling mistakes. An incorrect pronoun here, a dangling article there, a bungled conjugation over there.”
Fair enough, but what do you do with “Shuttle in the city jengle, the new, speedy, snail clan”? Well, change “jengle” to “jungle.” Fix up the punctuation. OK, now what the hell does it mean? Furthermore, what could the manufacturer possibly get out of printing this on its product? Rational thinking isn’t going to get you anywhere.
Logic cries and flees in the face of “We reach for the sky. Neither does civilization 50 SNIPER”. Is ATTILA (the Hun) “the modern scooter citizen”, or is it DUKE – which also makes the claim? What dies being the modern scooter citizen entail, anyway? What makes FUZZY the “world scooter”? And with a scooter as ambitious as HEROISM could you have any less a grandiose slogan than “the epochal scooter”? When you ride a COMET, will “motive power give you super power”? Really?
If all of these extravagant claims make you a bit wary, you can stick to GOING, which is “a scooter you can live with”. If GOING actually isn’t a scooter you can live with (pretentious bastard), you could move up to “I’m good”. This progression continues on up to “The better than best”. Still not good enough? Will, get out of the rat race and speed along the crowded asphalt on a CABIN. Or make a bold statement about your species, roll up on a CUSTOM replete with its “Human fitting concept”…etc, etc, ad nauseum.
No, forget it. Let go of reality as you know it and relax. Only then will you inhabit that place of peace reserved for Taipei’s traffic elite. Transcend mortal laws and achieve blissful indifference as you refuse to signal, cross four lanes of traffic to turn illegally onto a one-way street (going the wrong way), and peacefully get on your way over an unfortunate pedestrian or animal.
Face it: chaos isn’t about to quit its reign over the streets of our city. The scooter sayings are pointing us in the direction of peace in acceptance, if only we will take them for what they are. Once freed of the desire for rationality, you too will be able to “Enjoy the lovely Satisfaction On The Road…”
