"LET'S......GO......PLAX-I-CO"

Star WR propels Hoosier Daddy to title in nailbiter 

   West Point (AP)  12/24/02   Christmas came early for Hoosier Daddy owner Jay Bartley, as the 2002 Coach of the Year withstood yet another star not playing to win the 2002 FFFL Championship. In a close one, it was Plaxico Burress who stood his own Monday Night against the top seeded DaNecks to eek out a 3 point victory. 

   Bartley, who this season has lost the following starters this season during the playoffs or the playoff run:  Dion McNabb (injury), Koy Detmer (injury), Lamar Smith (drunk), Shannon Sharpe (injury), and Terrell Owens (sitting out). The hero of the week was season-long backup Dez White, who...subbing for the injured/sitting out Terrell Owens, dropped a season high 22 points on DaNecks. "I'm so proud of Dezzy," said an estatic Jay Bartley at his postgame news conference, "I'm going to buy him a drink." And buy him a drink, he should. White's 2 TD's were just enough to get by Dynek, who had some late heroics of his own. DaNeck's WR Jimmy Smith caught a TD in the last minute of Jacksonville's blowout loss to Tennesee. "Did you see Jimmy Smith's touchdown?" Dynek asked Monday morning, while holding out hope that his boys would bring home the $550 prize...and trophy, which will head north to the frozen tundra of Fargo ND. 

   In other news....the Skin Boat captured their second title in as many seasons, as the Boat righted a sinking ship, coming back from a disaster of a season to capture the 4th Annual Bednarz Bowl in a decisive victory over league rookie Hot Gravy.

   More league news will follow once the weekend arrives (such as All-Pro teams, league wrap up, awards, etc...). I will be out of town from Tuesday afternoon until Sunday afternoon. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and enjoy the holiday season with your families. Thanks again for a fantastic FFFL season. (Special thanks go out to the Titos and Simon Sez. Your records may not have been the best this year, but I thank you for continually turning in lineups.) As always, I think each season tops the one before...and this one definitely fits that bill. If you have any advice for me on how to better the league, or ideas for consideration for the 2003 season, please let me know. I hope all of you will be playing again next year. Pencil in the weekend of August 22, 23, or 24 for Auction Day 2003. We are looking at re-incorporating the golf outing prior to the auction (and no...we will not be having it in West Point again). 

"Weekly Bednarz"	Fairbury Brand "Hot Dog of the Week"
Week 13: Old Timers 75.0	Week 13: PoonTangens 147.8
Week 12: Skin Boat 64.4	Week 12: Modells 192.6
Week 11: Skin Boat 76.5	Week 11: DaNecks 135.2
Week 10: Dancing Titos  75.8	Week 10: DaNecks  175.7
Week 9:  Skin Boat 70.1	Week 9: DaNecks  139.1
Week 8: 7 Layer Burritos  61.3	Week 8: PoonTangens  133.6
Week 7: Dancing Titos  53.0	Week 7: PoonTangens  163.3
Week 6: Simon Sez  69.0	Week 6: PoonTangens 133.4
Week 5: Modells 78.4	Week 5: Kool & G'stas 161.1
Week 4: Buffalo Steak 58.5	Week 4: Clubbers 155.1
Week 3: Dancing Titos 60.8	Week 3: PoonTangens 155.8
Week 2: Dancing Titos 49.4	Week 2: Kool & G'stas 149.9
Week 1: Simon Sez 85.8	Week 1: PoonTangens 143.4

WEEK 16	Amani Toomer, Old Timers
WEEK 15	Duante Culpepper, Kool & G'stas
WEEK 14	Jeff Garcia, Gamecocks
WEEK 13	Ladanian Tomlinson, PoonTangens
WEEK 12	Priest Holmes, PoonTangens
WEEK 11	Hines Ward, DaNecks
WEEK 10	Plaxico Burress, Hoosier Daddy
WEEK 9	Antowain Smith, Hot Gravy
WEEK 8	Deuce McCallister, DaNecks
WEEK 7	Marshall Faulk, Nads
WEEK 6	Duante Culpepper, Kool & G'stas
WEEK 5	Priest Holmes, PoonTangens
WEEK 4	Shaun Alexander, Clubbers
WEEK 3	"Dion" McNabb, Hoosier Daddy
WEEK 2	Tampa Bay DST, Gamecocks
WEEK 1	Priest Holmes, PoonTangens

COOK ANNOUNCES COACH OF YEAR

West Point (AP)  12/16/02   Beano Cook took time out from drinking whiskey today to announce the second annual "Beano Cook Coach of the Year Award". This award was sponsored exclusively by Mr Cook last season, and was won by Burritos owner Quint English. This year's award goes to one of the finalists. His perseverance this season is, "an inspiration to all of us, just like Dan Devine's 1968 Notre Dame Fighting Irish team," according to Beano Cook. None of us really know much about that, or what Cook was talking about, as the Old Timers' Jerry Knispel is the only owner that was either born or out of diapers during that time. 

  This year's award goes to Hoosier Daddy's Jay Bartley. His team has been given up for dead many times this year. First, Dion McNabb went down with a season ending injury. Bartley calmly picked up Dion Kitna to take his place. Who would have thought that Dion Kitna would lead a team to the finals. Now, Bartley must face one more hurdle, as he must face DaNecks for the title, without Terrell Owens, who will sit out the remainder of the regular season.

BARTLEY CELEBRATES WIN

Hoosier Daddy owner Jay Bartley (above) was "poundin em down" last Sunday Night in his skybox after Hoosier Daddy rolled to a 77 point victory over the Nads in Round 1 of the playoffs.

Fargo (AP) 12/12/02  Exclusive footage from WDAY Channel 6 in Fargo showed Hoosier Daddy owner Jay Bartley "three fisting em" (as shown above) after the big win over the Nads last Sunday night. WDAY Sports Director Stacey Anderson (shown at left) reports that Bartley had disparaging words for upcoming semifinal opponent and former North Dakota State Bison golf teammate Jon Tangen, owner of the PoonTangens. Bartley was quoted by Anderson (who very closely resembles a cross between Burritos owner Quint English and Gangstas owner Jeff Koolen, both shown at left -- they are now all on the twins page), as saying...."Dion Kitna should be an all-star. I'm glad Dion McNabb's leg fell off. Tangen's team has no shot next week. His team sucks, he sucks, his running backs (Holmes & Tomlinson) suck, and he's even lucky to be in the playoffs. And he hit a whole box of Titleists into the cornfields of Oakland Nebraska in a scramble in which the winning team won a bottle of Jack Daniels" (not far from the truth). Bartley's beer muscles had kicked in long before this rant, and most attributed the comments to heavy drinking following the game. When asked for comment, as usual, Jon Tangen simply stated that "what Jay said is not surprising, you know, for Jay."

File photo, circa 2000, showing Hoosier Daddy Jay Bartley passed out drunk in his basement, a  remote in each hand and a bottle of beer resting on his belly.

2001 AWARDS GIVEN

    2001 Commissioner's Cup League Champion:    Skin Boat

    2001 Beano Cook Coach of the Year:    Quint English, 7 Layer Burritos

    2001 Joe Namath Player of the Year:    Marshall Faulk, RB 7 Layer Burritos

2001 Avis "We Try Harder" Award:   Brad Bell, Bonecrushers

"Weekly Bednarz"	Fairbury Brand "Hot Dog of the Week"
Week 13: Simon Sez	Week 13: Dancing Titos
Week 12: Bonecrushers	Week 12: Kool & G'stas
Week 11: Hoosier Daddy	Week 11: DaNecks
Week 10: Bonecrushers	Week 10: Clubbers
Week 9: Simon Sez	Week 9: Outlaws
Week 8: Hoosier Daddy	Week 8: Modells
Week 7: 7 Layer Burritos	Week 7: Nads
Week 6: Bonecrushers	Week 6: Shamoo
Week 5: Hoosier Daddy	Week 5: Modells
Week 4: Simon Sez	Week 4: 7 Layer Burritos
Week 3: Buffalo Steak	Week 3: 7 Layer Burritos
Week 2: Simon Sez	Week 2: Modells
Week 1: Dancing Titos	Week 1: PoonTangens

NEW RESTAURANT OPENS IN FARGO

A fine new eating establishment has recently opened right across the street from Jay Bartley's office. 

DEADBEAT OWNERS FAIL TO PAY DUES

Deadbeat league owners Jeff Koolen (owes $105) and Jay Bartley (owes $115) mug for the camera after a day of "muddin". Koolen and Bartley paid for the beer with the money they were supposed to use to pay their league dues. Also pictured are Jeff Simons (owes $15) and Mark Dynek (owes $5), who aren't serious offenders, but are still "Deadbeat Owners".

THE FINAL FOUR

Who will it be??  Quint English, Jeff Ewen, Mike Lucas, or Jon Tangen

    West Point (AP)  The 2001 FFFL season is rapidly coming to a close. While this is a reflective and sad time of year for most, there are still four (five if you count Skin Boat co-owner Shawn Kreifels) owners that are vying for a title. Ironically, this year, we will see a first time champion hoist the esteemed Commissioner's Cup, and place it atop that owner's mantle until next January. 

    The Outlaws made perhaps the greatest comeback of the weekend, when Clubber's castaway WR Willie Jackson nabbed an impressive 29.6 points and single-handedly led the team to victory on Monday Night. 

    In the semi-finals, Lucas' Outlaws will face the powerhouse 7 Layer Burritos. Quint English's team was the preseason favorite to win the entire league this year, as he came away from the auction with an impressive squad. But, injuries decimated the team, and it wasn't until he took Brad Bell behind the shed for a terrible woodshed trade, that his team resurfaced. For persevering, English was awarded the prestigious "Beano Cook Coach of the Year" Award at a luncheon today (see story below).

    Also making the semis will be the Skin Boat. This will be their first trip past the opening round of the playoffs, and the 15-4 squad had their hands full with the 8-10 Clubbers, winning by just 7 points. The Boat was teetering on Monday Night, until the New Orleans Saints imploded in the second half. Bulletin board material may have been enough to push the Boat over the top, when, on Saturday, it was discovered that Clubbers GM Ryan Knispel had been "Jon Detroit", thereby making a jackass of the Skin Boat skipper. Needless to say, Skipper Ewen was not happy and may have motivated his team with this fodder. 

    Another first time owner will be Jon Tangen and his PoonTangens. Sadly, we have heard nothing from Jon in the form of trash talking, or just letting us know that he's around. Jay Bartley talked him up before the season, saying, "..yeah, Jon will really mix things up in the league...he'll be great". It is, however, quite disappointing that we have not heard anything from Jon, except..."my lineup for the week will be...", and "I'd like to pick up..."

BELL TOLLS FOR NADS

    It was an uncommon occurrence. No, not Koolen skipping lunch, or Ewen actually putting in an 8 hour day. It was Brad Bell's Bonecrushers winning a game. You see, it was just his third win of the season, and it was a relief to say the least. "I was really concerned," said Bell in a postgame news conference, "I really thought I might break Bednarz' record for least wins in a season. Now, I'm shooting for the NIT Championships!!"

    And what a turn of event it has been for the Nads. After winning the title in 1999, and coming within a tenth of a point last season, the Nads missed the playoffs in 2001, then lose in Round 1 of the NIT to the 2-16 Bonecrushers. "I did the most I could with my team," said a distraught Judd Knispel after the game, "...and that wasn't much."

    "We told him his team sucked on draft night," said a chucking Jeff Koolen, as he munched on some chicken nuggets. Now the question will be...can Brad Bell turn the NIT completely upside down with a "worst-to-first" finish.

    ENGLISH WINS BEANO COOK AWARD FOR COACH OF THE YEAR   

    At a ceremony earlier today, Burritos owner Quint English took home the coveted "Beano Cook Coach of the Year" award. While English fielded the most imposing squad, it was his teams resilience that ended up making him a nearly unanimous selection for the award. He missed out by just one vote, as Nads' owner Judd Knispel opted to vote for himself. 

In a taunting gesture, Kool & G'stas quarterback Kurt Warner presents Sunday's game ball to Skin Boat owner Jeff Ewen's sister Brenda after the Gangstas demolition of Ewen's Boat.  The win kept the Skin Boat from holding onto the #1 seed for the playoffs, while Koolen snuck into the Run for the Commissioner's Cup. When asked about this showmanship, Ewen responded, "Koolen's just a jackass...he probably told the Grocery Boy to do that." Koolen, meanwhile claimed innocence and took the Frank Solich-like high road, simply stating, "We're happy to be in the playoffs, and we think we have a good football team."

By way of fielding the crappiest squad on a consistent basis, Simon Sez owner Jeff Simons will be providing beer at next year's draft. 

"Who's Buyin Beer?" Jeff Simons is!!!

    For most owners, it's a rarity that his team scores the lowest point total. However, for Simon Sez' owner Jeff Simons, it's a frequent occurrence. Simon's team won a total of four games this season, which is a 25% improvement over last year. However, out of his remaining nine weeks of the season, he managed to score the lowest point total four times (this equals out to 45% of the time). 

    To commemorate this outstanding accomplishment -- winning the most Bedni...Simons will be providing beer at next season's auction. You can click here to place your order: PLACE BEER ORDER

Bednarz to Emcee Event

Mike Bednarz poses for the media with one of the awards he will be presenting in January

    Former Investigator's owner Mike Bednarz has been selected to host the 2001 FFFL Awards Banquet. The event, to be held in January will feature the presentation of the Commissioner's Cup to the league champion. Along with the Cup, will be the following awards:

• Fairbury Brand "Hot Dog of the Year", 

• The "Yearly Bednarz". Incidentally, the winner of the "Yearly Bednarz" will be bringing beer for everyone to next year's auction.

• The Tittle Trophy, which is our equivalent of the Heisman Trophy

• many, many more

    When asked about this honor, Bednarz had this to say, "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha..."

MIDSEASON REVIEW FROM COMMISH

Halfway point yields surprises, disappointments, and the usual from Simon Sez

    West Point (AP)-- It's actually past the halfway point, but this is the first time I've had a chance to get a "pen and a pad" as Dr Dre might say. At this juncture, it's a good time to reflect before the big "playoff push" comes. Here's my two cents:

    First of all, I would like to show what the playoffs would look like if they began today:

• #4 Buffalo Steak vs #5 Skin Boat

• #8 Da Necks vs #1 Modells

• #6 Kool & G'stas vs #3 Outlaws

• #7 Nads  vs  #2 PoonTangens

    Now that we have our informational lesson out of the way....there are some interesting items to review. First of all, and Quint, I apologize for hammering on you, but....WHERE ARE THE BURRITOS???   This was going to be the team of all time, surpassing the teams that Judd had after bullying Brad Bell into trading him Randy Moss for two dirt clod brownies and a Keith Hernandez rookie card. Even without Jamal Lewis, this team was untouchable -- but now they're a meager 5-5, but once again, Brad Bell comes into the picture. Recently, Bell gave Quint English Isaac Bruce for, well...nothing. 

    And then there are the defending champion Old Timers. You also saw them missing the playoffs (although by just 0.4 points, so they are almost tied for the spot with DaNecks). 

    How can I go without mentioning the entire Blanda West. My goodness....this is the worst, I mean absolute worst excuse for a division in league history. The division is a combined, get this, 16-29. Meanwhile, to compare to the YA Tittle South Division....they are 30-12. If I wasn't in the Blanda West, I might consider using special Commissioner powers to take away the Blanda West's playoff spot and award it to the Tittle South last place team. 

    Enough press for the rotten teams....how about the Modells?? Three HDOW's in 8 weeks?? Pretty impressive for the Brian Mastre lookalike. The PoonTangens have hovered around the #1 spot all year, and now it appears that the Modells and PoonTangens, both at 8-2, will fight for that spot the rest of the year. That's not to say that the Skin Boat won't be there to the end, but I'm just not convinced that, even at 8-2, we can call them a title contender. Bookmakers list them at 17 point underdogs against either the PoonTangens or Modells, and they're even listed as "pick em" against the 4-7 Clubbers.

    Two teams that nobody seems to respect are the 8-3 Kool & Gangstas and 8-4 Outlaws. Both have proved nearly unstoppable over the past month. The difference may be November. The Gangstas have a brutal schedule upcoming, while the Outlaws will be loading up on cupcakes.

    Speaking of cupcakes, Jeff Simons, of Simon Sez, is perhaps the biggest cupcake in the league. In fact, we may need to look at naming the "Weekly Bednarz" the "Weekly Simons". Check this out:  In 2000 and 2001, Simon Sez has a combined record of 5-27, and if you throw in 1999, it's a snazzy 15-38. 

    Other teams have been mildly disappointing. Shamoo has a fantastic scoring average, but they're a disappointing 4-6...watch for them to sneak into the playoffs, if they can get past the Burritos. DaNecks can't seem to decide whether they want to be good or sandbag and win the NIT. I'm sure we can all picture Dynek formulating some way on his laptop that he can win more money in the NIT than the Championship Bracket.

    We all thought the Head Tito, Mark Hatten had some strange affliction on auction night. Why else would he stuff his entire salary cap into his back pocket and sleep through the entire auction??  I guess we know now. He sandbagged to get Tom Brady and the rest of his "Brady Bunch", and he'll sneak in and win the awful mess that's called the Blanda West. 

    I have saved the worst for last. Yes, it's poor Brad Bell. Interest rates keep going down and Brad Bell's Bonecrushers are 1-10. Brad may ask himself from time to time, "Brad, could it get any worse??"  Well, I've thought about it for you Brad, and decided that it could. We could be playing Fantasy Basketball, and you'd be in last place there, also.

ENGLISH HEEDS ADVICE...TAKES BUSINESS BANKER BEHIND 'SHED

"There was only a week left to trade....I had to act fast!!!" -- Quint English after dumping injured players to Business Banking Representative Brad Bell.

    Paying close attention to the website paid dividends for Quint English, owner of the 5-5 Burritos. The squad that was picked by everyone has fallen upon hard times, and needed a swift kick in the rear. "There was only a week left to trade," said English, "I had to act fast." Fast he did act, trading oft injured RB Fred Taylor, his cousin WR Travis Taylor, and Travis Minor, who at last check was not in the NFL to beleaguered Bell, 1-10 on the season, so far. 

    "I can't break the Bednarz record for least wins in a season (3), so this is my best attempt at avoiding that dubious distinction," said Bell, "maybe they can all get healthy in a month or so, and I could win some games...or maybe just a game!!!"

TRADE DEADLINE APPROACHES!!

Hurry...this week will be your last chance until 2002 to take Brad Bell (above) behind the woodshed on another trade!!!

    I thought I should remind everyone that the trade deadline is one week from tonight (that would be Monday, November 12 -- no trades after that time). However, you may still pick up free agents after that.  

WEEK 6 Archives:

Clubbers strike with "the brownie trick" again -- Clubbers GM Ryan Knispel went to his "bag of tricks" last weekend in his win over Brad Bell's Bonecrushers. Prior to the game, Knispel sent over a few plates of "brownies" that turned out to be dirt clods. Sources inside the team stated that Grbac had "3 or 4" of the "treats" about an hour before gametime.  By midway through the third quarter, Grbac was on the bench, sick to his stomach (shown above). It wasn't until after the game that Bell figured out what was wrong. "That f****r did it again!!!," said an angered Bell after his seventh loss of the season. "He disguised those dirt clod brownies and fed them to me in 1982, and now Elvis!!!" Reports indicate that Grbac is listed as questionable for this weekend's game.

Farve pumped after win -- Brett Favre had his best game of the season, and led Simon Sez to an upset (every win is an upset) over a weak Hoosier Daddy team last weekend. Farve is shown at left holding one finger in the air in reference to the number of wins that the Simon Sez squad has this season.

Ragtag bunch of no-names leads Steak -- While this may sound like a lineup for the softball team from the local manufacturing plant, here is what Buffalo Steak owner Curt Schwartzkopf is starting this week against Shamoo:  Tony Banks (maintenance), Terry Allen (accounting), Ron Dayne (food services), James Thrash (management), Eddie Kennison (sales), Duane Carswell (parts), and Jason Elam.

Skin Boat makes use of day off -- In hopes of shoring up his team, Skin Boat co-owner Jeff Ewen has taken Friday off to "wheel and deal" his way to a better team. Ewen (shown left) is 5-2, but is concerned that the team's recent showing is not playoff caliber. "We aren't very good," said Ewen, "and I would also like to request that you take Kreifels' name off as a co-owner...I'm lucky he even showed up at the auction!!". Ewen spent the majority of Friday in his house making trades with Buffalo Steak owner "General" Curt Schwartzkopf and Outlaws owner Mike "Forrest" Lucas. These deals have made Ewen's roster look like that of an 8-man high school team.

  Burritos to lose 2 this week? -- Despite the fact that 7 Layer Burritos owner Quint English's team is on a roll, he appears prepared to lose both games this week, including his showdown with the #1 ranked Modells. English feels that even an injured Marshall Faulk will help his team. Because of this, Faulk appears in the Burritos starting lineup.

Hoosier Daddy sucks--  Hoosier Daddy owner Jay Bartley earned his first of what could be many "Bedni", with a horrible 59 point outburst against lowly Simon Sez. "I'm an embarrassment to Fantasy Football," he said in a postgame interview. "Mike Bednarz himself could have fielded a more competitive squad."