funnies

A breeder named Patti receives a free ticket to the Westminister Dog Show
from the premium dog food company.Unfortunately, when Patti arrives at the
Garden she realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the Garden-- she
is closer to the Ex pens than the rings.

About halfway through the first group, Patti notices an empty seat 3 rows from
the ring gates, in plain view of the examing table. She decides to take a chance and
makes her way through the celebrities owners and big time breeders and around
the security guards to the empty seat. As she sits down, she asks the woman sitting
next to her, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The woman says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the most important dog show in the
dog world, Patti again inquires of the woman next to her, "This is incredible! Who in
their right mind would have a seat like this at the Garden and not use it?"

The woman replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with
my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Westminister Show here at the Garden
we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Patti, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat?
A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the woman replies, "they're all at the funeral."

Lament of a Stud

My job is making puppies
And I get two tries at that
They pat me on the head and say "Good Boy",
and that is that.
It's half my job to give 'em
teeth and toplines, fronts and other,
Remember, it's only Half my job...,
they also have a mother.

It's not my job to carry pups
And make 'em grow and nurse 'em
And feed and clean and make 'em strong
That's for "mother" and a person.

It's not my job to wean
And feed the calcium and food
And stack and gait and housebreak,
And make 'em a "showing" brood.

It's not my job to plan the breeding,
And learn what produces well,
To study pedigrees, learn what's there,
And pick out those to sell.

It's not my job to guarantee champs,
The breeder picks the pair,
To mate and whelp and feed and show,
and HOPE that the champ is there.

It's not my job to be on hand
when points are given out.
The breeder, owner, dam and friends
Take credit with a shout.

It's not my job to deliver a winner.
It's only genes I sell.
But let the puppies turn out bad,
And guess who catches H*LL.

Dog Rules

The dog is not allowed in the house.
Okay, the dog is allowed in the house but only in certain rooms.
The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
The dog can get on the old furniture only.
Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep on the bed.
Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.