THE FRIENDS OF MR. CAIRO

Hap: (in a quiet voice) Say, Mary, looks like Billy’s all over those hiccups, thanks to Edward G. Robinson in Suspense.

Mary: (Equally quietly). Shh. Don’t mention hiccups again. He might get ‘em back. Let’s switch his mind to something else. Well, you know how he is about anything Autolite makes. Let’s listen to Frank Martin. That’ll do the trick.’’

FRANK MARTIN: Friends, money can’t buy better electrical equipment for your car than Autolite. And here’s why. In the first place, Autolite is the world’s largest independent manufacturer of automotive electrical equipment. Original factory equipment for many of the finest cars, and trucks in America. In its 26 nationwide plants, Autolite manufactures distributors, generators, starting motors, spark plugs, batteries, wire, not to mention such things as bumpers, die casting, horns, instruments and gauges, lights, ornamental plastics, and over 400 other products. What’s more, Autolite service stations all over the country are staffed with trained men and specialized machines to give your car the best possible electrical service. So friends, when your car’s electrical equipment needs attention, drive in to your nearest Autolite service station, or the dealer who sells your make of car and ask for original factory parts and service.’’

Sound of telephone ringing, and someone picking up telephone. Tinny woman’s voice, speaking in the classic Operator tone of yore: ‘’Remember Autolite’s service stations are listed in your classified telephone directory under Automotive Electrical Equipment.’’

The Suspense musical theme rises. PAUL FREES: ‘’And now, Autolite brings back to our Hollywood sound stage, Mr. Edward G. Robinson, in ‘The Man Who Wanted to Be Edward G. Robinson.’ A tale well calculated to keep you in suspense!’’

Music.

‘’Well, my dear, you mean I haven’t told you? About Homer’s dream world? He thinks he’s Edward G. Robinson.’’ Sound of a group of people laughing.

‘’Do tell us, Mr. Homer G. Robinson, when do you think you’ll be getting your next contract from Hollywood?’’ Group laughter.

‘’Oh, you folks have got Homer all wrong! He’s a killer at heart. Just a cold blooded killer!’’ Laughter.

Sound of a store door opening. ‘’I want to buy a gun,’’ says Homer.

‘’Yes sir. What kind of a gun?’’

‘’Well, I don’t know much about guns but..that one looks all right.’’

‘’Yes, yes, it’s a nice little gun.’’ Sound of a cabinet being opened. ‘’$28.50.’’

‘’Do I have to have a license?’’

‘’Not unless you’re going to carry it on your person. Otherwise, we just register it for the police records under your name. What’s the name?’’

‘’Oh. Uh. Edward G. Robinson.’’

‘’I…I..I beg your pardon?’’

‘’You heard me, mug!’’ Homer says in a hard voice. ‘’Edward G. Robinson!’’

Musical bridge.

Musical bridge.

‘’We went, and at first it was the most terrible disappointment of my life. Because he wasn’t tough, or hardboiled, or anything like it. He seemed to be a mild mannered little fellow, a little shy. Almost like me. He talked about orchids and modern art. They were his hobbies, he said, raising orchids and collecting paintings. Modern paintings.’’ Homer’s voice takes on a tinge of amusement. ‘’As the lecture went on, I began to understand. By the time it was over, I knew!’’

Edward G. Robinson’s voice, filtered as though over a microphone addressing people in a large hall. ‘’And so, ladies and gentlemen, I consider myself twice blessed. Every man is blessed who has a hobby but I am among the fortunate few who have two hobbies. And as the fellow said who’s fiance had a twin sister, ‘I love them both.’’’ Laughter. ‘’Thank you, thank you very much.’’

‘’Later that evening, I made an excuse to get away from Ada and went down to the hotel where I knew Mr. Robinson was staying. I bribed the bellboy one dollar and seventy five cents to tell me which was his room. I went down the hall and knocked at the door of 708.’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Western Union!’

‘’C’mon in.’’

Homer enters. ‘’Just put it on the….well, say, Western Union dresses their boys up pretty snappy in this town, don’t they?’’ Edward G. Robinson laughs.

‘’I…I…I must apologize for adopting the subterfuge, Mr. Robinson, but I have something of the utmost importance to discuss with you and I was afraid you might not see me since, well we’ve never been formally introduced.’’

Edward G. laughs. ‘’Formally introduced? Why, that’s all right. What is it? Autograph?’’

‘’Yeah? Well, you’ve caught me in the middle of shaving, as you see. But if you don’t mind my finishing the job while you talk, why, uh…come right inside and tell me all about it.’’

As Robinson continues shaving, Homer speaks. ‘’Well, Mr. Robinson. I have a problem, and I feel you are the best person best fitted in the world to tell me what to do.’’

‘’That so? Well, what is the problem?’’

‘’Well, Mr. Robinson, suppose…of course, this is purely hypothetical…but suppose you were going to kill somebody.’’

‘’Kill somebody?’’

‘’Yes…in…in…in your own home. Somebody shall we say who was related to you.’’

‘’Now, hold on a minute, Mr…uh, mr..uh’’

‘’Hubbard. Homer J. Hubbard.’’

‘’Mr. Hubbard, I may look like a bad guy on the screen but when I’m not working I’m just a plain peace loving citizen like anybody else.’’

Homer chuckles. ‘’ Oh, heh, oh, you…you..you can fool people like that audience tonight with all that talk about orchids and modern art, and it was very good, I quite understand why you do it, a man in your position must have a ‘front’ of course, but you didn’t fool me.’’

‘’I didn’t, huh?’’

‘’Well, I know, rather… I knew I could come to you and be perfectly frank.’’

‘’Yeah? About what?’’

‘’Why, about the murder.’’

‘’About the what?

‘’Well…look at me, Mr. Robinson. I’m a shy, inhibited…weak…utterly ineffectual person. I have none of your assurance, your hardness, your ability to cope with any situation in your direct, ruthless way…’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Well…uh..how many times I wish I had, because for twenty years my life has been made horribly unbearably miserable by one person. My wife!’’

‘’Oh. So that’s the way it is.’’

‘’Yes,’’ Homer takes a deep breath. ‘’For years I bore it as best I could, and then one day I thought, how would you have coped with it. And of course I knew at once. You would kill her!‘’

‘’Hey, now, wait a minute, are you kidding me?’’

‘’Oh, no no no, Mr. Robinson, I wouldn’t think of such a thing. Here, look here, I’ve even secured a gun to do it with.’’

"Hm? Here! You better give me that! No! No, don’t point it, hand it to me by the barrel…here, I’ll put it over here. Safer, you know.

‘’I…I must admit I know very little about fire arms, they’re quite distasteful to me.’’

‘’Yes, you and me both!’’

‘’You, Mr. Robinson?’’ Homer says, his soft voice stricken.

‘’Well, I mean, uh, small arms, like that. Of course a tommy gun, that’s different. That’s the only thing to use.’’

‘’Yeah, I suppose you’re right. But I didn’t know where to get a tommy gun. I was afraid even if I did I’d never master the art of using it.’’

‘’Yeah, well. You want to kill your wife, is that it? You want me to help you.’’

‘’If you would, Mr. Robinson. If you could spare the time, I can’t tell you how grateful I’d be.’’

‘’Well, you know, Mr. Hubbard, you..well, you look like a pretty nice little guy. Your wife must really be an old battleax to have got you in a frame of mind like this. Now, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I will help you.’’

‘’Oh, Mr. Robinson.’’

‘’Yes, but its got to be done my way, see. It’s got to be done right. You’ve got to plan these things. Yeah, now take this gat, this little flea, for instance, you’ve got over there, that’s no kind of a rod to kill your wife with. Why, the caliber is all wrong, the ballistics would be all wrong. Dicks would be on your trail just like that. Now I’ve got a gat home that would be just perfect for the job, get me? I’ve knocked off Orson Welles, Jimmy Cag..oh, I don’t know how many guys with this. Now the first thing when I get home I’ll send it to you parcel post, see?’’

‘’Would you, Mr. Robinson?’’

‘’Oh, sure, sure. Now, when you get it, just lay low, see. Don’t do a thing until you hear from me. I’ll lay this thing out with some of my boys and then I’ll get in touch with you.’’ Heartily. ‘’Okay?’’

‘’Oh, yes, Mr. Robinson. I don’t know how to thank you.’’

‘’Ah, forget it, pal. What’s a little moider between friends?’’

Musical bridge

I could scarcely maintain my composure in the two days that followed. The second day, sure enough, the gun arrived. It was a great heavy thing, the kind that’s referred to I think as an automatic..remembering its history I handled it with the utmost care and reverence. I hid it in the garage where I keep my pipe that Ada won’t let me smoke in the house. It was the next afternoon, Saturday, that the phone rang. I rushed into the bedroom to answer it and closed the door after me so that Ada wouldn’t hear in case it was..’’

‘’Yes?’’

‘’This is Eddie.’’

‘’Eddie?’’

‘’Yeah, yeah, you know. Eddie Robinson.’’

‘’Oh, yes, yes…yes, Mis…Eddie.’’

‘’You get that package I sent you?’’

‘’Oh, yes, I got it.’’

‘’Okay, but don’t fool around with it, will ya, until the time comes. It’s kind of tricky.’’

‘’Oh, no, no, I won’t.’’

‘’Now, uh, listen. The deadline is tomorrow night. Midnight, got it?’’

‘’Yes.’’

‘’Now, here’s the layout. Tomorrow night, you go to bed, just as always, but have that gat handy, and leave the front door open. See?’’

‘’I..I…I understandd.’’

Oh, say, waitaminnit, I meant to ask you, is it safe to talk where you are?’’

‘’Oh, yes, yes, the phone’s in the bedroom and the door’s closed.’’

‘’The bedroom, huh. Well, swell. Well, now, listen. A little before midnight, you get up, see. She’s asleep. You take a spot just outside the bedroom door, where you can keep an eye on her and on the front door, too. See?’’

‘’Yes?’’

‘’Well, at midnight, I’ll contact you. We’ll do your job and then make a quick getaway and then you can hole up in the hideout til the heat’s off. Get it? Tomorrow night, midnight!’’ ‘’I’ll do everything just as you say…Eddie.’’

Music.

‘‘I followed his instructions to the letter. It seemed hours before Ada went to sleep that night. Seemed days til my watch finally crept around towards midnight. But at last, the time had come. I crept out of bed, got the gun out of my coat pocket, and took my position on the landing outside the bedroom door as he had told me to.’’ The sound of Homer catching his breath. Then the telephone rings!

Sound of Ada waking up from a sound sleep!

‘’The plan was ruined. Even Edward G. Robinson couldn’t have foreseen this. I rushed back into the bedroom, hoping against hope that I could catch it before Ada woke up, but she already had the light on!’’ ‘’Homer! What in the world are you doing prowling around at this time of night? With a gun in your hand!’’

‘’Why, I..I thought I heard a burglar.’’ ‘’Burglar!’’

‘’Mmm." ‘’When I’ve answer this phone I want to talk to you, Homer Jeremiah Hubbard!’’ She picks up the phone. ‘’Yes? What? Oh.’’ She hangs up the phone. ‘’Homer, there is a burglar.’’ ‘’Is there?’’ ‘’Someone just saw him trying to get into the house.’’ ‘’Are…are you sure?’’ ‘’Of course I am. A man just phoned and said he saw the burglar. Well, don’t just stand there. You’ve got a gun. Go down and stop him.’’ ‘’Yes, but Ada…’’ ‘’Go on!’’ Although she’s ordering him about, her voice is more fearful than autocratic. ‘’Do you want us to be killed in our beds? Go on, I say!’’ ‘’Oh, Ada, why do you have to spoil everything?’’

Musical bridge.

‘’There was nothing to do but go. I crept down the stairs in the darkness. I knew what Edward G. Robinson would have done. He would have gone down and captured the burglar without the slightest struggle and then turned him over to the police, after giving him the beating he deserved. But, somehow I didn’t feel much like Edward G. Robinson just then. It was at that moment that a terrible thought occurred to me. Maybe it wasn’t a burglar. Maybe this was Edward G. Robinson. I had no time to pursue the thought further.’’ ‘’Let him have it!’’ cries out a male voice, and then there’s the sound of gunfire. Lots of male voices. ‘’In my terror I suppose I must have squeezed the trigger of my own gun!’’ Ada is crying out in the commotion as well.

‘’I tripped on something and the next thing I knew I was tumbling headlong down the stairs, and that’s the last I remember!’’ Gunshots, cries, and dwindling music indicating Homer losing consciousness.

Music.

‘’When I woke up, Ada was holding my head in her arms. She was crying. (He sounds surprised). They made me stay in bed for a couple of days, but I didn’t really mind. There were reporters to see me and take my picture for the paper, and all kinds of people, and even Mr. Ryan, and Mr. Pemberton came to see me, and Ada, well Ada was simply a changed person. Nothing was too good for me. My slightest wish was literally her command. If the whole thing hadn’t been an accident, if I’d planned it that way, it couldn’t have turned out better.’’

Over a phone ringing, ‘’Then as the final climax that afternoon, when the phone rang by my bed, ‘’Yes?’’ This time we can’t hear Eddie’s voice, just Homer’s. ‘’’’Oh, ya did, uh? Oh, nothing, nothing really. Yes? Well, about that. Well, things have changed. Oh, yes, they’ve changed quite a lot. I don’t think we’ll have to go through with it. Yeah, that’s right. Sure, sure, she’s right here, just a minute.’’ He drops his voice to a whisper. ‘’Eddie wants to talk to you, Ada.’’ ‘’Eddie?’’ ‘’Yeah, Eddie Robinson, quite a pal of mine.’’ ‘’You mean, Edward G. Robinson?’’ ‘’Yes, he and I had quite a chat that night, he was in town, got pretty chummy, yeah go on.’’

Ada takes the phone. The entire tone of her voice has changed., much more cheerful, loving. ‘’Hello? Oh, yes, yes, Mr. Robinson. Oh, I know he is. Oh, I certainly will, Mr. Robinson. Yes, I know I’m very lucky. All right, Mr. Robinson. Goodbye. Oh, Homer, he knew all about it, he’d seen it in the papers.’’ ‘’Yes, so he said.’’ ‘’And he said you were a hero. A real hero. Bigger than any movie hero that ever was! Oh, Homer!’’ ‘’Well, if Eddie Robinson says I’m a hero, I guess maybe I am.’’

Music.

‘’It couldn’t have turned out better, Eddie. You know how grateful I am. I’m a regular Little Caesar around town, now, and my married life is all I ever wanted it to be. Of course there are some things about the whole thing that confuse me, a little. It has even occurred to me, I confess, that you might have had more of a hand in it than was generally known. And that the gun you sent me might have contained blanks, I believe you call them…because in spite of all the shooting there wasn’t a bullet hole in the whole house, and the gun had disappeared which confused the police somewhat too. The burglars might have been some of your boys, playing a little joke. But I don’t think you would do a thing like that to a pal. Would you , Eddie? I don’t even think you would use the statement you asked me to send you as a guarantee that I wouldn’t try to kill Ada again. Not that I ever would. But even if you did all that Eddie, I don’t really mind. Because as you might say yourself, what’s a little joke between pals?’’

Mary: ‘’My, that was a wonderful performance, wasn’t it, Hap?’’

Hap: ‘’Sure was. Say, Billy, how are the hiccups?’’

Billy: ‘’All gone, dad. .I think I lost them during Mr. Martin’s last Autolite commercial.

Hap: ‘’Well, that’s fine. Hic. Oh, my gosh, now I’ve got them! Mary, turn up Frank Martin again!’’

FRANK MARTIN: ‘’Autolite original factory parts and Autolite service stations work as a team to help you maintain carefree, economical performance for your car. So friends, when your elecrrical system needs attention, drive in to your nearest Autlite service station or the dealer who sells your make of car, and ask for original factory parts and Autolite service. Money can’t buy better electrical equipment than Autolite. And remember, Autolite means sparkplugs! Ignition engineered spark plugs! Autolite means batteries! Stayfull batteries! Autolite means ignition systems! The lifeline of your car.’’

PAUL FREES: ‘’And now here again is Mr. Edward G. Robinson.’’

EDWARD G.: ‘’It’s been fun appearing in our Suspense story tonight, but just so nobody gets the wrong idea, it was only a story. I’m not really so tough. Only get this! I’m telling you, see! You better listen to Suspense next week, see? Because Ray Milland will be here in a story called Night Cry by William L. Stewart, a gripping study in …..’’

FRANK MARTIN: Suspense!

''Edward G. Robinson may soon be seen in the Paramount production, Night Has A Thousand Eyes. Tonight’s Suspense play was written by Leslie Radditz with music composed by Lucien Morowitz and conduced by Les Blesco. The entire production was under the direction of Anton M. Leder. In the coming weeks, Suspense will present such stars as William Powell, Lucille Ball, John Garfield, Sydney Greenstreet and many others. Make it a point to listen each Thursday to Suspoense, radio’s outstanding theatre of thrills!’’