The Late Show - Warren Zevon Transcript

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Warren Zevon
Episode Transcript

October 30th 2002

The Late Show - Warren Zevon Transcript

(Paul and the band start playing the "Late Show" theme)

Alan Kalter: (Announcer) From New York, the greatest city in the world! It’s the Late Show with David Letterman! Tonight Warren Zevon! Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra.

(Cheers and applause)

And now, a man who always smells slightly eggy, David Letterman!

(Dave walks out onto the stage)
(Cheers and applause)

LETTERMAN: Thank you very much.

(Applause)

Thank you. I have really -- I have been through the wringer. I am --you're looking at an emotional wreck.

SHAFFER: What, what?

LETTERMAN: I am a ruined man. I'll tell you why, today was my conjugal visit with Lizzie Grubman.

(Audience laughs)

So I'm just -- what can you do?

SHAFFER: Well, yeah! Well, congratulations.

LETTERMAN: Maybe you don't know about this story, there's a publicist here in the New York city area, Lizzie Grubman, and
a couple years ago in the Hampton’s, the big vacation resort area on long island, something happened, there was a mishap and
she backed over some people in her SUV, and they say okay, we know you're a publicist but still you have to go to jail, and now she's doing time, like 40 days, and this is a tough --

(Audience laughs)

I didn't sentence her -- but it's -- they got her in a tough jail, it's a legitimate slammer out there in Southampton.

(Audience laughs)

She was kept awake all last night by the sound of the surf. So it's a -- you can't --

(Audience laughs)

Here's good news, and I've known about this for a long, long time, and you people know this to be true, according to the Zagat guide, thank you. New York city is the best United States city to visit. You folks already know that.

(Audience applauds)

Now I just have to find a way to keep my mom from learning about this, because, oh, man, we're having a lot of trouble with mom, I got a call earlier today, she tried to walk out of the Gap wearing five pairs of jeans.

(Audience laughs)

So Zagat!

I don't know if you heard about this, Robert Blake, who is another star going haywire, he's out there in California, and he's in
jail because they think he might have killed his wife, and earlier today I heard that his attorney quit, just quit, and -- but he's
been replaced by Frank Lautenberg. Does that make any sense?

(Audience applauds)

And of course, Winona Ryder, another one of our stars in trouble, she's on trial for shoplifting and her defence is that she was researching for a role in a movie.

(Audience laughs)

0.J Simpson heard that and he said, gees, why didn't I think of that?

(Audience applauds)

Yeah, so Winona Ryder is researching for a movie role, and oh yeah, I believe the name of the movie was ‘Sax, lies a videotape’.

SHAFFER: Oh, hello!

LETTERMAN: There he is, ladies and gentlemen, my good friend, Paul Shaffer!

(Paul and the band play music while Dave walks to his chair)
(Audience applauds)

SHAFFER: Thank you so much.

LETTERMAN: Paul Shaffer, ladies and gentlemen!

SHAFFER: Yeah!

LETTERMAN: Let me tell you a little about tonight's program. Our guest this evening, Warren Zevon.

(Audience applauds)

The great Warren Zevon. This is a guy we've known for a long time, gees, I guess like 20 years or so, he's been on the show over the years, and he's filled in for Paul, a couple dozen times.

SHAFFER: Many times.

LETTERMAN: When Paul has been off, and everybody knows ‘excitable boy’, everybody knows that, everybody knows ‘Werewolves of London’, these two great Warren Zevon songs, but you're not even scratching the surface there. What a remarkable collection of work, and he's going to be doing songs for us tonight, ‘Roland, the
Headless Thompson gunner’, fantastic song.

(Audience applauds)

‘The envoy, lawyers, guns and money’.

SHAFFER: That's a great one.

LETTERMAN: ‘Chasing down the wind’, ‘Searching for a heart’, ‘Desperados under the eves’, Mohammed's radio’, ‘White Christmas’. Did you realize --

SHAFFER: Wait a second, wait a second, Irving Berlin
Zevon.

LETTERMAN: Oh, I'm sorry, got the wrong list, but -- and if you don't have a current collection of this guy's work, by god,
you ought to have, and I think we have two new offerings here, this is the best of Warren Zevon, and I think he's got several
best of albums, and you know what that means, when you have several, you have too many great songs.

SHAFFER: Too many for one record, yeah.

LETTERMAN: This is the newest one right here.

(Dave holds up cover of CD)

Warren Zevon, My Ride's Here.

(Audience applauds)

This guy is the real deal, you know, he's not one of these pretty faced phoney rock and roll guys, he's the real thing, and a poet and a singer and a songwriter.

SHAFFER: Musically, everything -- always delivers.

LETTERMAN: Like the song, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. Talk about love.

SHAFFER: That's one of his lyrics.

Dave: Isn't that true about love? You can't start it like a car, if it ain't going to work it ain't going to work. Paul.

SHAFFER: That's probably what he meant when he wrote that.

(Audience applauds)

LETTERMAN: Anyway, it's -- and you start listening to this guy's stuff, I mean there was like a two CD collection of his
greatest hits about five or six years ago, and I was listening to these this afternoon, and it's like oh my god, that one and then
oh my god that one, I mean it's a remarkable collection of work that this man has contributed to modern culture. So he'll be
our only guest tonight, and we couldn't be happier that he's with us, so Warren Zevon, everybody.

(Audience applauds)

As you know, maybe you don't know this, I'm working on some catch phrases that I will drop into the show to make things more entertaining. One I've stolen from my friend, George Miller, ‘In my pants!’

(Audience laughs)

Periodically, when you least expect it, I will drop in, ‘In my pants!’ and now we came across another one last night, I like it pretty well and we'll just see how it goes, ‘What is this, Vassar?’

(Audience chuckles)

Don't make any sense, don't make any sense now, but --

SHAFFER: It makes more sense now than it did last night.

LETTERMAN: It's growing on people, and tomorrow kids all across the country will be saying, ‘what is this, Vassar?’ ‘In
my pants!’ wait a minute. I think Warren, Warren actually wrote a song called in my pants.

(Audience chuckles)

SHAFFER: He wrote that too.

LETTERMAN: Let's start the evening with some words of wisdom from our new good friend, Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil?

(Clip starts)

Dr Phil: So I'm telling you now, I've had an affair.

(Clip ends)
(Audience laughs)

LETTERMAN: He's gone nuts, this guy!

SHAFFER: Can't believe it.

LETTERMAN: Here's something else that's really rubbing me the wrong way, last night you and I were eating snickers bars
on TV.

SHAFFER: Yes we were.

LETTERMAN: And I'm holding up the Snickers and said if we don't get a truckload by tomorrow, something is desperate -- you're eating one and we're talking about how not only they're tasty they're like a meal in themselves. We were passing them
out, so – and I --

SHAFFER: Must have come today.

LETTERMAN: I thought I'd have trouble finding a place to park because of the big snickers truck. Zippo, nothing! Not a call,
not a letter, not a courier, not a single nothing! And I said what is this, Vassar?

(Audience applauds)

So if we don't get the snickers tomorrow, then I'm going to turn on them and I'm going to drive them out of business. I'll start saying nasty unpleasant things about their product.

(Audience laughs)

SHAFFER: All right.

LETTERMAN: But I'm going to give them a 24-hour notice, because two weeks ago we were talking about M&M's and how great they are, well, today we received our free M&M's, but they're making a mistake too.

SHAFFER: Wait a minute.

LETTERMAN: Here's what it is, the plain M&M's, you can't do any better than that, they were great the first time, they're still great today, they'll be great 100 years from now, it's a simple beautiful idea, I can eat my weight in M&M's. Okay, in a pinch
I'll take the peanut M&M's, in a pinch! They’re okay, well, you think they'd recognize that and leave it alone, well now they've got like six different varieties of M&M's, and they're sending those over to me thinking I'm going to talk those up, but I'm
telling you, they're no good. They’re no good.

(Audience applauds)

They've got a new crunchy M&M.

SHAFFER: Yeah?

LETTERMAN: What is making it crunchy is what I want to know.

SHAFFER: I'm afraid to ask.

LETTERMAN: And they got some other cheese flavour, like a Parmesan, but god bless the M&M's, they delivered. These
punks over, the Snickers --

SHAFFER: It's nice of you to give them 24 hours.

(Audience laughs)

LETTERMAN: Okay, all right, you know what, turns out that New York city is on the edge of a precipice of a fiscal crisis,
did you realize that? We're having budgetary problems so all of New York is economy minded and looking for ways to cut
back. So right here tonight we're going to show you ways that this great city, New York, is cutting back. Paul may we have
a little music.

(Paul and the band play intro music for the comedy piece)

LETTERMAN: Ways New York City is cutting back, for example, time square watch salesman now selling knockoff of fake Rolexes.

(Audience chuckles)

SHAFFER: That will save a lot of money right there.

LETTERMAN: City hospitals will be treating all emergencies with tomes.

(Audience applauds)

Tomes. In my pants! Department of corrections slashing food bills by allowing inmates to go home for lunch.

(Audience laughs)
That's not a bad idea. I think that makes sense. What is this, Vassar?

(Audience laughs)

Police department horses phased out, mounted police now ride guys in horse costumes. That’s been going on for years.

(Audience laughs)

SHAFFER: Used to be that would be more expensive. I would think.

LETTERMAN: With the cleaning and so forth, that's right. We’ll just see what happens.

Donald Trump cutting down on travel expenses by only dating, miss New York, miss New Jersey, miss Pennsylvania and miss Connecticut.

(Audience applauds)

But when we get the Snickers, by the way, I don't want people sitting at home getting their nose out of joint thinking I'm
going to lay around all day eating candy. We'll get the Snickers and give them to people who don't have candy, that's what
we'll do, that's how it works.

(Audience applauds)

So now already they're starting to look doubly bad that they won't participate in our charity candy drive. It’s getting uglier by
the -- all right, if that's the way you want to run your business.

(Audience laughs)

Pamela Anderson, she's not in New York, we just wanted to take a look at Pamela Anderson. She’s not cutting back on
anything. Do you know women like that, Paul?

(Audience laughs)

SHAFFER: Do I know, that's a loaded question. It’s a stacked question.

LETTERMAN: The parks department replaces lawn mowers with hungry goats. or guys in hungry goat costumes.

(Audience applauds)

That would be even more expensive. Mike Piazza forcing himself to stick to his strict monthly budget, and by the way -- so
that's how New Yorkers are -- ways New York city is cutting back.

(Audience applauds)
(Paul and the band play close the comedy piece with a song)

LETTERMAN: Warren Zevon is the guest on our program tonight. We’ll be back with the old top ten list, everybody!

(Commercials)

(Return from commercials with Paul and the band playing a Warren Zevon song)

LETTERMAN: Johnny strikes up the band.

SHAFFER: Another great, war remembers, Zevon composition.

LETTERMAN: I remember, and I'll ask him about this when he's out here, but I remember one night he was filling in for you
and I said to him, there was an album you did live at the Roxy in Los Angeles on sunset boulevard, a live album, stand in the
five, was the name of it, it was fantastic, one of the best live rock and roll albums I've ever heard in my life. And he said, I
don't really remember it. He had no memory of it exactly, but we got a copy of it a couple weeks ago and it's still fantastic, absolutely great. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, it's time now, we haven't done this in quite a while. It's always fun, that's all you
need to know about it. it's a little something called, Is this anything?

(Paul and the band play the ‘Is this anything?’ theme)

Okay, now, you see, behind the lovely New York City, city scape, we will have a man, a woman, a child, all three, a group of people, friends, neighbours, professionals, amateurs, we don't know, and they'll be doing something interesting, peculiar, something unusual, something weird, something provocative, something entertaining, and Paul and I, after we see the demonstration, the presentation will have a brief conversation and try to determine whether or not we think it is in fact
anything.

SHAFFER: Whether it's anything or not.

LETTERMAN: Is that how we play it?

SHAFFER: I believe so.

(The city scape lifts up to reveal a man balancing on a piece of wood that is on some sort of cylinder like object, and he is
holding a tray with five cups on it, with one spoon in each cup, he then tries to flick the spoons out and make them land back
in the cups, but half of them fall on the floor, the city scape goes back down)

(Audience laughs)

LETTERMAN: This is a tough one, because it could have been something.

(Audience chuckles)

SHAFFER: Yeah.

LETTERMAN: I mean, I'm telling you, I was thinking to myself what are those things and then he flipped it, and
then... because now it just looks like an accident in the cafeteria.

(Audience laughs)

SHAFFER: I would agree. It could have been something.

LETTERMAN: Paul and I both believe it could have been something, sadly, it was not. Ladies and gentlemen, time for
tonight's Top Ten List.

(Audience applauds)
(Opening Top Ten animation)

Top ten signs you're too old to be trick or treating, this happens every year at my house. I don't mind the trick or treaters
coming by, but when you drive yourself to trick or treat, you're too old, and they didn't even have costumes, they'd be getting
out of the car smoking, hey, how you doing, give them a candy bar, they get back in the car and drive home, I said that's too
old, doesn't seem right at all.

(Audience laughs)

Top Ten Signs You're Too Old To Be Trick-Or-Treating

10. You get a candy apple and mutter, "Oh yeah, my dentures will love this"

9. You're dressed as a surgeon; earlier in the day you actually performed surgery

8. Not many "Aren't you cutes" but plenty of "I'm calling the cops"

7. Every three houses you need a smoke break

6. Chaos ensues when you confuse an M&M with your heart medication

5. You're dressed as America's favorite movie star, Tyrone Power

4. At the end of night you don't have many treats, but you got a few dates with divorcees

3. Frequently forgo the candy and ask to use the bathroom

2. Your "trick" involves driving rascal scooter across lawn

1. Wrap things up early so you can get home to watch CBS

Well, hello! What is this, Vassar? There you go. We’ll be right back, everybody, with Warren Zevon.

(Commercials)
(Return from commercials with Paul and the band playing a Warren Zevon song)

LETTERMAN: Thank you very much, Paul.

(Audience applauds)

Our first guest tonight is a brilliant songwriter and a musician who has been a friend of ours for 20 years, and believe me it's a thrill to have him here with us. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Warren Zevon. Warren!

(Audience applauds)
(Paul and the band play while Warren walks onstage, shakes Dave’s hand and then sits down)

LETTERMAN: I didn't know he could play that.

ZEVON: Yeah, I know he can play it.

LETTERMAN: You're -- I guess a couple months ago we all learned that your life has changed radically, hasn't it?

ZEVON: You mean you heard about the flu?

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

ZEVON: Yeah, yeah, well, it's true.

LETTERMAN: How did you learn about it, and what is it, and how have things been since?

ZEVON: What was the order of those questions again?

LETTERMAN: Entirely up to you, any way you want to field them.

ZEVON: How did I learn about it?

LETTERMAN: Yeah.

ZEVON: first of all, let me say that I might have made a tactical error in not going to a physician for 20 years.

LETTERMAN: I see.

ZEVON: It was one of those phobias that really didn't pay off, the only person I ever go to is Dr. Stan, you know Dr. Stan,
the dentist.

LETTERMAN: So you go to a dentist on a regular basis?

ZEVON: Yeah, and I always said if he can't fix it, I'm screwed, and I told Dr. Stan that I was having shortness of breath,
which, well, I had it for months, and I did a shore tour, I went to Canada, and I would only hire people who would tell me it
was stress, you know, like, flunked out medical students who became musicians, and I said I'm short of breath, “oh”, all the time. They said don't you ever watch the sopranos? I said no, I don't know. But when Dr. Stan the dentist heard about it, he
said it sounds like congestive heart failure or something, so he made me go to a doctor the next morning.

LETTERMAN: And it turned out not to be congestive heart failure.

ZEVON: No.

LETTERMAN: What was the diagnosis?

ZEVON: It's lung cancer that's spread.

LETTERMAN: That's tough.

ZEVON: It means you better get your dry cleaning done on special.

LETTERMAN: Now, when I first heard about this, I think that you were in touch with Paul's assistant, you had a
conversation with him, and he said it was the most bizarre thing, kind of the stunning revelation of this, but yet Warren was making jokes, just like that, now, how is that possible? I'm not sure I could make jokes like that, if I had that --

ZEVON: I know you would.

LETTERMAN: Really?

ZEVON: Yeah.

LETTERMAN: To me, you look and seem remarkably healthy. I mean, that's kind of an odd --

ZEVON: Well, don't be fooled, don't be fooled by cosmetics.

LETTERMAN: How do you feel?

ZEVON: Well, I don't feel as bad as they say I am, you know, that's a good deal.

LETTERMAN: And you have spent a lot of time recently working very hard, haven't you, working on another project?

ZEVON: Yeah. They certainly don't discourage you from doing whatever you want. It’s not like bed rest and a lot of water,
you know, will straighten you out.

LETTERMAN: How does that work now, under this circumstance, living with this diagnosis, how is the work now compared
to when you assumed you were healthy, when you were only going to see Dr. Stan?

ZEVON: I'm working harder, and, you know, you put more value on every minute, you do. I always thought I kind of did
that. I really always enjoyed myself. But it's more valuable now. You’re reminded to enjoy every sandwich and every
minute of playing with the guys, and being with the kids and --

LETTERMAN: Yeah. I'm stricken now, and I guess this is the way things like this work, by the irony of your work now, you know, when we look at it, knowing about the diagnosis.

ZEVON: That's the strangest part to me certainly. I mean, except that maybe, I mean as you know, I don't know how many other people know -- because Dave's the best friend my music has ever had, sorry, don't know how many of the audience realized that the last –

(Audience applauds)

LETTERMAN: For example, the title of the new CD, ‘My Ride's Here’.

ZEVON: Hello.

LETTERMAN: That has a whole different meaning, and another song, the one Paul played, ‘I'll sleep when I'm dead’.

ZEVON: And the previous album was called ‘life will kill you’. It was all about my phobia of doctors, you know, I just figure
that if artists don't have -- well, I guess artists have some kind of instincts or, you know, feelings about things that can't be
put into words, you know, kind of impressions combined with very rudimentary manual skills, otherwise how would you get away with having a job so easy and so much fun.

LETTERMAN: So you're saying that you think maybe somewhere this comes as not so much a surprise to you?

ZEVON: Well, I can't really complain. I did take copies of the albums to my doctors and said this is why I'm not so shocked.
But I don't know what the connection is, I don't know why I was writing those songs, but I've always written them.

LETTERMAN: And ‘Mr. bad example’, a song, I know, I guess everybody who knows you knows that you did enjoy
yourself to the point of punishing others really at some point.

ZEVON: Well, that's not really the way to put it outside of meetings, but if you want to say so. I know how you meant it.

LETTERMAN: And did you think that contributed to the lung cancer?

ZEVON: Punishing people emotionally?

LETTERMAN: No, no, no, maybe not taking care of yourself.

ZEVON: I think that, you know, I think I chose a certain path and lived like Jim Morris, and live 30 more years, who knows why, you make choices and then have you to live with the consequences, there are always consequences.

LETTERMAN: from your perspective now, do you know something about life and death that maybe I don't know now?

ZEVON: Not unless I know how much you're supposed to enjoy every sandwich, you know.

LETTERMAN: How's your family?

ZEVON: They're holding up pretty well, it's tough on them, but they're holding up pretty well, we're a pretty close family,
me and my kids.

LETTERMAN: Good, you have the boy and the girl?

ZEVON: Yeah.

LETTERMAN: Good for you, and tonight you're going to sing, hopefully three songs.

ZEVON: Yes, I am.

LETTERMAN: The first one is called ‘mutineer’.

ZEVON: No, the last one is called ‘mutineer’.

LETTERMAN: There's some confusion, when are you doing ‘white Christmas’.

SHAFFER: ‘Mutineer’ is first.

ZEVON: Oh.

LETTERMAN: You want to change the order? We can change the order.

(Audience applauds)

SHAFFER: Why should we do what he wants to do?

(Audience chuckles)

LETTERMAN: Oh, stop it, Paul. What is that song about, you wrote in 1995 I think.

ZEVON: I don't remember, that was seven years ago.

LETTERMAN: You don't remember the live album?

ZEVON: The live album, which live album?

LETTERMAN: ‘The Roxy’.

ZEVON: No, I don't remember that. I remember with one from 19... -- you know.

LETTERMAN: I don't know, anyway we're delighted that you're going to do some of your stuff for us.

ZEVON: Thanks, David.

LETTERMAN: And let me just say now, thank you for being here, and thank you for everything.

(Audience applauds)

We’ll be right back with Warren, who is going to perform for us.

(Commercials)

LETTERMAN: Okay, thank you, and now, performing the aforementioned Mutineer, which is featured on the best of Warren Zevon album entitled ‘Genius’, ladies and gentlemen, here is Warren Zevon.

(Audience applauds)
(Warren performs ‘Mutineer’)
(Audience applauds)

LETTERMAN: Great, turn around here, very nice. we'll be right back with some more from Warren Zevon.

(Commercials)
(Return from commercials with Paul and the band playing a Warren Zevon song)

LETTERMAN: Yes, sir, welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen. If you're just joining us, Warren Zevon is with us this evening and as I've said all night we couldn't be happier. And now Warren, I believe we're going to hear a song from the album we talked about, my ride's here, and the name of the song is genius, do I have that correct?

ZEVON: Modestly titled.

LETTERMAN: Ladies and gentlemen, here's Warren Zevon again.

(Audience applauds)
(Warren performs ‘Genius’)
(Audience applauds)

LETTERMAN: Warren, you're obviously doing very well. We'll be right back here with Warren Zevon.

(Commercials)

LETTERMAN: All right, now, I like to think that this next song is because of me, this is my contribution to this show tonight, and I'll tell you how that happened. I begged him to do this song, so I feel like I've played a pretty important part in this.

(Audience applauds)

This song also appears on Genius, and --

ZEVON: You wrote it, right?

LETTERMAN: Boy, I wish, could you make that happen? It’s one of our favourites, everybody, I think, enjoys this song,
we're happy to have it here live on the show tonight. it's ‘Roland, the headless Thompson gunner’. Warren Zevon.

(Audience applauds)
(Warren performs ‘Roland, the headless Thompson gunner’)
(Audience applauds)

LETTERMAN: Yes, sir! There you go! Warren Zevon, everybody! Warren, enjoy every sandwich. We’ll see you tomorrow night.

THE END

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