Title: Four Mutants and a Boo
Author: Askani'daughter / Eruntalince (newloverboys@yahoo.com)
Rating: PG-13 (for the X-Men potty mouths and dirty minds)
Pairing/main characters: Cyclops, Angel, Beast, Iceman and Boo
Series/Sequel: complete
Summary: General Humor. What happens when the X-men meet Boo from Monsters, Inc? Insaity ensues!
Disclaimer: Boo belongs to Pixar, who created Monsters, Inc. Cyclops, Angel, Beast, and Iceman belong to Marvel, who created the X-Men. Sorry, no monsters in here. Just Boo.
Date: Nov 2001
Archive/distribution: Sure, but please ask first.
Warning: None. No slash. No nothing. Just some mild profanity, but that's it. Pure good old humor.
Notes:
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Four Mutants and a Boo
By Askani'daughter
It was suppose to be a boys' day out.
They were suppose to go to the local gym, and have fun showing off their skills to each other, and all the other humans. Then they were suppose to go out to eat, and then go drinking. And then they were going to watch porn back at the mansion.
You know. A boys' day out.
The group consisted of the four original X-Men. Scott Summers a.k.a. Cyclops, Henry (Hank) McCoy a.k.a. Beast, Warren Worthington III a.k.a. Archangel, and Robert (Bobby) Drake a.k.a. Iceman. Warren and Hank had on their image inducers, both men looking completely human. Wings and blue skin had disappeared for the X-Man known as Angel, and blue fur and simian disposition had disappeared for the X-Man known as Beast.
Scott had auburn hair, and wore his ruby quartz sunglasses, to prevent his uncontrollable optic beams from destroying everything he saw. He was tall, handsome, and well-muscled, though slender. Hank was covered head to toe in blue fur, but his image inducer allowed people to view him a very buff, very stocky man with black hair and a pair of spectacles. Warren was beauty incarnate, with golden blonde hair and sapphire blue eyes. He normally had sky blue skin and pure white wings on his back, but the image inducer hid the wings and made his skin normal. Bobby had sandy brown hair and brown eyes, and a well-natured, adorable face. He was the smallest of the group, and the youngest.
They had just showered and finished in the gym, and were heading to the car, holding an animate conversation between the four of them on who, of their fellow female teammates, had the nicest endowments. So far, no one had won.
"But, seriously, Jean has the nicest-"
"Give it up, Scotty! You have to say that. You're married. We're not. Jean's got the nicest ass, not the nicest tits. Rogue definitely has the nicest hooters," Bobby said with authority, interrupting his team leader.
"I have to disagree, I must say, Bobbles. Storm has the nicest ass. It's nice and round and very soft to the touch," Hank said with authority, adjusting his glasses.
"How the hell would you know, Hank? She let you touch it?" Warren asked in irritation, displeased that his girlfriend Betsy, had not been voted as having the nicest ass.
Hank grinned rakishly. "Well, I wouldn't say she let me. It was very dark in the Danger Room, see, and I got knocked into her, and well, my hands just wound up there," he said innocently.
Warren snorted. "I remember that day. Isn't that the day Storm electrocuted you?" he asked snidely.
Hank's smile faded. "She was a bit testy about the whole situation..." he sighed.
"I still say Jean has the nicest tits," Scott interjected, not letting go of the prize just yet to Rogue.
"Man, give it up. Have you ever touched Rogue's breasts? They're the best!" Bobby exclaimed, rolling his eyes.
His three best friends stopped and stared at him. They had just reached the car, but no one made a move. They were too busy gaping at Bobby.
"You... touched... Rogue?? How???" Warren sputtered.
Bobby blinked. "Oh, she had her shirt on, don't worry. She caught me when I was being knocked around in one of the Danger Room exercises. I had my face pressed up against them when she caught me and I got a little tweak in," Bobby sighed fondly, a wistful smile gracing his adorable face.
"Then what'd she do?" Scott asked in awe. No one had ever got to touch Rogue, clothes or no clothes. This was something to respect in the male mind.
Bobby frowned at the memory. "She dropped me on my head and then kicked me in the groin a couple times. But it was worth it, I tell you. I peed blood for the next two days, but it was worth it. Hope I can still have children," he said with a shrug.
"If we're lucky, she ruptured a testicle," Warren said darkly, frowning deeply. "Why hasn't anyone ever tried to feel up Psylocke? She's gorgeous!"
"Quite true, Warren, but there's a major hindrance in our desire to place our hands upon her," Hank offered.
"Being?"
"She's a ninja, Warren. Do you think we're stupid?" Bobby asked incredulously.
"Oh, right, I had forgotten."
The four X-Men got inside of Scott's beat-up old red mustang, a car to which he fervently clung, despite it's desperate need of repair. The conversation continued, and only continued to spiral downwards, into the darkest depths of the gutter of the male mind.
Unbeknownst to them, a pair of eyes watched them from inside the Beast's monstrous gym bag. Just when the four X-Men were discussing who had the nicest legs, a giggle from inside the gym bag silenced them.
"Did you hear that?" Scott asked, mildly alarmed.
"It's coming from inside my gym bag!" Hank exclaimed, staring down at his gym bag in mild horror.
"I told you that you should have washed those socks, Hank! Something was bound to come to life in there!" Bobby quipped, creating a spike made of ice and pointing it at the bag in fear.
Another giggle, louder this time, escaped the bag. Warren turned around, staring at the bag as well. Scott was staring into the rear view mirror. The bag began to shake.
"It's moving!" Hank cried, praying it was his dirty gym socks that were coming to life and not his dirty underwear. He would never live down the humiliation if it was his underwear.
A second later, a little girl with two pigtails burst out, laughing hysterically.
Hank and Bobby screamed, Warren passed out, and Scott hit his head on the windshield when he braked too hard. The little girl was knocked back into one of the seats. While unharmed, she was startled, and her adorable face scrunched up and she began to cry, loudly.
"It's... it's... it's... a little girl!!" Hank cried.
"Wow, Hank, you really are a genius," Bobby remarked sarcastically, quickly recovering from his shock. Scott was slapping Warren awake.
The wails from the brown-haired little girl only grew louder, and the four X-Men, defenders of mankind, saviors of humanity, and all-around superheroes, stared at each other in shock. They could mobilize themselves in seconds to face any threat to humanity, but they were all at a loss at what to do with a little girl who was crying.
"Somebody make her stop!" Warren demanded, covering his ears.
"Try picking it up, Hank! It came from your gym bag," Bobby suggested.
Hank sighed and reached over and picked the little girl up in his arms. She struggled for a moment, knocking out his image inducer, which caused Hank to wince. Now she would really start to scream, being able to see Hank's mutation.
To the four mutants' surprise, the little girl fell silent, staring up at the blue-furred man who held her. Hank stared back at her, wondering why she wasn't screaming in terror. A smile broke out across her elfin face, and she grabbed a fistful of Hank's hair.
"Kitty!" she exclaimed happily. She appeared to be two or three.
"Kitty?" Hank asked in wonderment and the little girl hugged him happily.
"Kitty!" she repeated in joy.
"I think it likes you, Hank," Bobby said in wonderment.
"It's a little girl, Bobby, not a thing. Stop calling her an it," Scott said in irritation.
"We have to go back to the gym and return her to her parents," Warren cautioned. "Put your image inducer back on, Hank."
Hank blinked and grabbed his image inducer, turning it back on. Once again, he was a normal human being. The little girl clapped her hands excitedly at the show.
"Kitty!! Kitty!! Kitty!!" she said over and over.
Scott turned the car around, and headed back to the gym. The other X-Men absorbed themselves by staring in wonder at the small child.
"I wonder what her name is?" Hank asked.
"How did she get inside your gym bag?" Bobby asked.
"More importantly, how did she survive so long inside your gym bag?" Warren asked.
The small girl covered her face with her hands and then threw them to the side and popped up on Hank's lap. "Boo!!" she cried.
"What's your name, sweetheart?" Hank asked, grinning at the adorable child.
She covered her face again, and then popped out. "Boo!" she cried again.
"Can't you tell me your name?" Hank sighed.
"Boo?" she asked him, patting him on the hand.
"Boo? Is that your name? What sort of name is that?" Hank asked, mildly confused. Small children did not lay in the realm of his genius intellect.
"Boo!" she repeated and began to giggle.
Scott pulled up to the gym, and then groaned when he saw the empty parking lot. "Guys, it's closed... There's no one here! How are we going to get the little girl back to her parents? Assuming she has any," he sighed.
The girl began babbling nonsense and jumping up and down on Hank's lap.
"We can't keep her," Warren intoned, still displeased about having his day interrupted by something that was half-formed in his opinion.
"Boo!" she cried, and jumped onto Bobby's lap, kneeing him hard in the groin as she did so.
Bobby squeaked and his eyes crossed. The little girl kept on laughing and jumping on his lap, her knee banging into his groin every time. Bobby was paralyzed with pain.
"Well, whatever Rogue started, Boo is finishing. I don't think Bobby is going to be able to breed now," Hank grinned.
"Thank god. And who's Boo?" Warren sighed, the little girl's babbling nonsense giving him a headache.
"The little girl. It's her name, as near as I can tell. Or as close as we're going to get to it, unless you know how to speak Toddler," Hank said with authority.
"Well, take Boo off of Bobby's lap before she turns him into a woman. Let's go back home. I'm sure Jean, Betsy, or the Professor can find her parents," Scott sighed, driving away from the empty gym.
Hank plucked the child off of Bobby's lap, trying not to laugh. "You alright, there, Bobbles?" he snickered, as the ice-creating mutant bent over in pain, clutching his much trod-upon groin.
"Bubbles!" the girl cheered and pointed at Bobby in glee, apparently pleased with her work.
"Bubbles?" Hank asked with a smile. Bobbles was one of his pet nicknames for his long-time friend, but this new christening was even more amusing.
"Bubbles!" she said happily, pointing at Bobby.
"Jesus, must she shout every damn thing she says?" Warren groaned, clutching his head and fumbling around in his bag for the Excedrin.
"Damn!" the little girl repeated, pleased to have a new word to add to her vocabulary. "Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn!!!"
"Warren!! Watch your mouth!!" Scott ordered, glaring at his teammate as Hank clamped a hand over Boo's mouth in an effort to silence her. Boo burst into tears and soon was wailing again at having her mouth forcibly closed.
"Goddamit, Scott, I don't want this damn kid around. I just wanted to have a little fun today," Warren pouted.
"You are such a whining baby. Get over it," Scott sighed and plucked out one of Warren's hairs to make his point.
"OW!!" Warren screamed like a child, clutching his head in pain.
Boo started laughing.
Hank grinned. "I think she likes seeing people in pain," Hank said amicably.
"She'll grow up to be a regular dominatrix, I tell you," Bobby groaned, just now able to sit up.
The four mutants and the little girl reached the X-Mansion very quickly and Scott gratefully exited the car. He didn't know which was worse. Warren's whining or Boo's shrieking.
Boo shrieked in delight when she was carried outside and immediately leapt from Hank's arms and jumped on Warren's back. His image inducer was knocked away, and Boo was hanging off of the humps of both his wings. The winged mutant was gasping in pain, leaning slightly back from the weight and pressure on his sensitive wings.
"Boo!!" she cried, laughing heartily.
Hank plucked her off of Warren's wings, snickering. Warren fell back, nursing his wings sullenly, giving Boo a look so deadly that it would have stopped Juggernaut in his tracks.
Boo laughed. "Birdy!" she cried, pointing at Warren.
"Birdy??" Warren cried in disgust and indignation.
"Birdy!" Boo agreed.
"Hey, if I can be 'Kitty', then you sure as hell, I mean heck, can be 'Birdy'," Hank laughed.
"Wonder what's she's going to name Scott," Bobby asked darkly, limping outside of the car.
Almost as if on cue, Boo slowly approached Scott, staring at him curiously. Scott bent down with a smile on his face. "Hello," he said.
Boo giggled and grabbed his glasses before anyone could stop her. Scott gasped and turned his face so he wasn't looking at her, and then closed his eyes as quick as he could. Even so, a small blast from his eyes hit the ground near Boo, cracking the pavement. Boo jumped, but to everyone's surprise, she didn't start crying.
Scott had his eyes closed. "Someone please get my glasses before I kill someone," he asked in a tired voice.
Boo put the glasses on her face and then ripped them off. "Boom!" she screamed.
Hank took the glasses from her sticky hands and handed them back to Scott. Scott gratefully put them back on, a little shaken from the close call. He looked over at Boo, who was giggling at him.
"Boom!" she cried, and hugged Scott.
"Is it just me, or is that kid the weirdest thing you ever met?" Bobby asked, finally able to stand up straight.
"It's not just you. Let's find Jean," Warren said sourly, eyeing the little girl the same way you would a rather nasty cockroach in your salad.
Scott scooped Boo up in his arms and the four X-Men headed into the X-Mansion. Within five minutes they found Jean, who was organizing CDs on the CD tower.
"Jean... Um, Jean, we need your help..." Scott said desperately, holding Boo out towards Jean. Boo squirmed and babbled.
Jean turned around, her face taking on an automatic grin of maternal affection. "Why, hello, there!!" she said happily, to Boo, taking the child in her arms and completely ignoring all four X-Men, including her own husband.
"Um, Jea,n we-"
"What a pretty little girl you are!"
"Jean, we really-"
"What cute little pigtails!"
"You see, Jean, she's-"
"And such an adorable little pink dress!"
"Jean, aren't you-"
"Scott, would you shut up for just a moment? I'm a telepath, remember? I know what's going on," Jean said irritably and then turned a dazzling smile back on the child.
"What a cutie pie!! Now you be good little girl, and Auntie Jean will go find your parents!" Jean told Boo, nuzzling her nose into Boo's, which caused happy giggles to emit from the little girl.
"What do you mean by that, Jean?" Scott asked, taking Boo back into his arms in horror as Jean patted Boo's head.
"The four of you need to watch Boo while I go hook up to Cerebro and find her parents. Keep her happy," Jean glowered darkly, giving the evil eye to all four men, who were all noticeably paler at the thought of babysitting Boo.
Jean sauntered away, sighing to herself. Men were so useless around small children.
She spent about an hour in Cerebro, until she finally located Boo's parents, who had yet to notice their child's disappearance. They were at the McDonald's next to the gym, fervently looking for their daughter. She had left the playhouse, and they didn't know where she was.
Jean quickly head downstairs, mentally calling Kurt Wagner, a.k.a. Nightcrawler, to her. She walked inside the room where Scott and the others were supposed to be watching Boo. Kurt teleported in behind her a moment later.
They both paused.
Warren was missing about five feathers from his wings and howling in pain. Scott was once again minus his shades, and was blindly feeling around for them, crawling on his hands and knees. Hank was covered in sticky candy goo, and trussed up rather expertly with unbreakable bungee cord. Bobby was lying on his side, moaning pitifully, and holding his groin.
Jean blinked. Kurt started to laugh.
"What's wrong with you?? You're X-Men!! You've fought villains with the power level of gods and you can't handle one small little girl???" Jean cried in exasperation.
Boo popped up in front of Jean, with Warren's feathers stuck to her back, and Scott's shades on her face. She was covered in sticky candy goo, and had the most adorable smile on her face imaginable.
"Oh, Boo, you poor thing! I should never have left you with those four! I'm so sorry!" Jean cooed, and took Boo into her arms. "The four of you are worthless!! I swear!!"
The four X-Men stared at Jean in horror. (Well, Scott just turned his face in her direction.) She removed the glasses and feathers from Boo and handed the adorable child to Kurt. "Alright, Kurt, you know where her parents are. Just put her nearby. Thanks!" Jean said brightly, waving good-bye to Boo.
Boo cooed at Kurt, stroking his fur. "Kitty!" she said happily.
A moment later, she was gone with a bamf and wave to her four new friends. Jean tossed Scott's glasses at him. He opened his eyes to find his wife standing before him and his three best friends, glowering unhappily at their inability to control one small child.
"All right, guys, let's go," Scott said darkly, coming to his feet and untying Hank.
The four X-Men stood up silently, the two more mutated ones putting on their image inducers. The four men silently trudged past Jean, each with a very disturbed expression.
"Where are you four going now?" Jean asked in exasperation, too tired to read their minds.
"To go buy condoms," Scott answered.
"Lots of condoms," Bobby added.
"And some birth control pills," Warren added darkly.
"And some spermicidal gel, just to be sure," Hank finished.
Jean blinked and watched the four X-Men trudge out the door.
"Men," she sighed and shook her head and returned to organizing her CD tower.
Half an hour later, Kurt joined the other four X-Men in their shopping spree for birth prevention items. They all agreed that they would rather fight Magneto wearing armor made of safety pins than have to deal with Boo again.
But in her defense, they all agreed she was the cutest little bundle of trouble they ever met.
END