Title: Scenes Cut From the X-Men Comics
Author: Askani'daughter / Eruntalince (newloverboys@yahoo.com)
Rating: PG-13
Pairing/main characters: X-Men
Series/Sequel: complete
Summary: Title is self-explanatory. I'm feeling snarky today. X-Men parody. Basically things you won't see happen in the comics (but you never know). Slash jokes, but no actual slash.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Date: Jan 2002
Archive/distribution: Sure, but ask first.
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Scenes Cut From the X-Men Comics
By Askani'daughter
Cyclops: Whasssssssssssup! *burps and then passes out in a drunken stupor*
Bishop: I love you, Remy.
Gambit: I love you more, Bishie.
Professor Xavier: And there was this one time, at band camp...
Sabretooth: I love you, Logie.
Wolverine: I'm sorry, Viccy, but I'm already in love with Scotty.
Storm: Actually, I'm a man. Didn't you know?
Jean: Of course I'm not scared of dying. I always come back.
Sinister: Did I say brothers? Ooopsie!
Archangel: I'm taking a vow of poverty.
Gambit: I have a secret to tell you, Scott.
Cyclops: Let me guess. You're my long-lost second brother, right?
Gambit: Um, no. Close though. I'm actually your son returned from the future to save you.
Cyclops: That was my second guess.
Cyclops: Yeah, Madelyne never had me fooled for a second.
Cyclops: You know, I'm sick of you stalking me. What >exactly< do you want from me?
Sinister: *hands Cyclops a plastic cup and a porn magazine* In the cup, buddy.
Cyclops: No really, Jean. It's an open marriage. If you want to sleep with Logan, that's okay.
Havok: I'm back!
Cyclops: What a shocker.
Cyclops: And so, Jean, I'm leaving you... for Warren.
Jean: That's okay, Scott, because I've been having an affair with Storm the whole time. You know she's really a man, right?
Rogue: *flying near one of the bathroom windows* What are Hank and Bobby >doing< in there? Wow... they really are mutants!!
Cyclops: Maybe I need to create a support group. The Superheroes Who Have Been Screwed With By Apocalypse. We have a lot of members. Let's see, there's me, there's Cable, there's Archangel, there's Tyler, there's Stryfe, there's Wolverine, there's...
Jean: I'm pregnant, but not with your child.
Cyclops: *sobbing* Who's is it then? Logan's?
Jean: Nope. The Professor's. I'm sorry, Scott, I've been having an affair with him the whole time...
Cyclops: Me? Anal retentive? Nah. Please put the coffee mug back in the cupboard, on the spot where I labeled "Coffee Mugs". Thanks. As I was saying, I'm actually a pretty laid back kinda guy, and - you need the rinse the mug exactly three times before you put it back - and I try to be relaxed and - make sure you turn it upside down, with the handle facing north-east, thanks - and there was this one time where I didn't even iron my underwear before wearing it...
Magneto: I'm back!
X-Men: Gee, never saw that one coming.
White Queen: No, I would like to buy the whole outfit this time.
Jean: Oh. My. God.
Cyclops and Angel: *pulls up sheets to cover their naked bodies* Uh, Jean, this isn't what it looks like.
Jean: Then what the hell were you doing, Scott? Taking Warren's temperature??
Cyclops: It wasn't my fault!! The fanfiction writers made me do it!!
Aragorn: I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and if my life or death I can protect you, I-
Wolverine: I can take care of myself, thanks, bub.
Aragorn: You mean you're not Frodo either?
Wolverine: Uh, bub... I think you're in the wrong book again.
Aragorn: Dammit!! This is the second time!! Why do all you short people have to look alike?? When will I find my way back to Middle Earth to save Frodo?
Wolverine: S'alright, man. Happens to the best of us. Say, who's that blond guy?
*Legolas runs by, shrieking like a girl, followed by all the X-Women, Northstar and Professor Xavier, who wheels after him, a madcap smile on his face. Every last one of them is screaming for him to sign their bras. Even the men.*
Aragorn: *sighs* This always happens. I swear I can't take him anywhere without hordes of teenage girls mobbing him.
Wolverine: I know how you feel. We got one of those, too. Say, I wonder where Warren got off to...
Middle Earth, Mordor, Sauron's Castle:
Cyclops: *staring nervously up at Sauron* You're... not Magneto... are you...? *gulps loudly*
Sauron: You're not Aragorn. Who the hell are you? Say, who's that blond guy?
*Archangel flies by, shrieking like a girl, followed by all the female characters, Gimli and Gandalf, whose beard is trailing behind him and has thrown his staff to the side so he can run faster. They all want him to sign their corsets. Even the men.*
Cyclops: *sighs* Sorry. This always happens with him. Girls mob him, women kidnap him... you get the picture.
Sauron: I know how you feel. Ever since my movie came out, all the fangirls are drooling over that silly elf boy, and not me, the true star of Lord of the Rings. It's why I sent him and that disgustingly sexy Aragorn off Middle Earth. All I have left is to get rid of Frodo...
Cyclops: Say, do wives have a habit of dying and then coming back, or children from the future showing up to save you over here?
Sauron: *blinking* Not that I'm aware of, why?
Cyclops: Can I stay here, then?
END