Title: Understand me 4

Author: Morgana (morganalebeau@yahoo.com)

Website: http://www.oocities.org/morganalebeau/

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Understand me

By Morgana

 

Chapter Nine

Joseph put the book down and looked at his lover, who had curled up against him. After their sexual exploration, Joseph had made sure Remy took his medication, which Scott had dropped off earlier, and then they'd made themselves comfortable on the big four poster bed. Stroking Remy's hair, he couldn't help compare his current relationship with the one he'd been in with Rogue.

Slowly, he was starting to see where things had gone wrong with Rogue. She'd pushed him in to a role he wasn't comfortable with. She had solely been calling the shots, manipulating him and they had *never* been equals. Now that he was Remy's lover, he had *some* reference. He didn't know whether Remy and he were acting like a couple was supposed to act, but he loved the way the Cajun treated him.

Remy didn't tell him what to do, didn't try to change his mind or control him. Remy gladly accepted his caresses and didn't push for more. //He allows me to call the shots, to be in control,// Joseph suddenly realized. //And maybe that's exactly what I need, to be in control.//

Remy wanted him to take charge, to be the top in their relationship and now that he was thinking about it he realized that Rogue had assumed that role when they'd still been together. Maybe that was why Rogue and he hadn't worked out.

His fingers tangled in the silken locks and he listened to Remy's breathing, which was steady and comforting. The Cajun's head rested on Joseph's chest and rose whenever he drew a breath. Remy's arms were tightly wrapped around Joseph's waist and he smiled. "This feels right, sexy," he whispered privately. Remy stirred, moved even closer and draped one leg possessively over Joseph's thighs.

Looking about, Joseph tried to memorize the room. He would love to move in and keep Remy company, but he knew that his lover wanted to go back to the boathouse as quickly as possible and he couldn't blame him for feeling that way. The X-Men had hurt Remy tremendously during these last few weeks.

"I'm sorry, Remy. I didn't know how much you were hurting." Joseph sighed deeply as some of Remy's contentment flowed into his mind. Remy was soundly asleep and having a pleasant dream, judging from the way the Cajun was rubbing his body against Joseph's. "I can't believe how much I love to touch you, Remy. I've never felt this way before."

He was even starting to wonder whether Rogue and he had *really* been in love. And how much experience did Rogue have, considering she couldn't touch someone without hurting her partner? What did Rogue know about making a relationship work? Maybe even less than he did.

//But when she was with Remy things didn't work either,// that little voice in his head reminded him. Rogue had told him that Remy was secretive and manipulative and couldn't be trusted. //Why does that description fit Rogue exactly?//

Being with Remy had turned his world upside down. He'd always enjoyed having sex with Rogue, but being with Remy was a revelation. The passion, the surrender, the abandon with which Remy reacted was quickly becoming an addiction. He craved feeling the Cajun's body, his pleasure and eventually Remy's orgasm in his mind. The animalistic lust that sometimes simmered in those red eyes made him want to bury himself inside Remy and never let go again. So why was he keeping back?

Because he had no idea what he was doing. He'd never thought he could grow attracted to a man. Yes, he knew what he was supposed to do when fully making love to Remy, but the Cajun had been so damn tight when he'd pushed his finger inside! No way would his cock fit and the last thing he wanted was to hurt his lover.

//But he wants to be taken, wants to feel me inside,// Joseph thought, confused and he couldn't help thinking back to when he'd found Remy in the black room, marked by Steve. The Cajun had been bleeding and had felt sore. He wouldn't hurt Remy in that way, even if his lover wanted him to! Remy stirred slightly and Joseph quickly returned to fingering the auburn locks. He cocked his head to catch a glance of his lover's face and saw that Remy was smiling against his chest. He'd never really liked sleeping in the nude, but Remy had quickly changed his mind. As he held the Cajun in his arms, he wondered about his lover. Only a few days ago Remy had gone to the nightclub and had allowed Steve to hurt him profoundly because the Cajun had wanted to be punished for his so called crimes. //I can't believe he was that desperate.// But the scars on Remy's body reminded him that it had really happened.

Joseph switched off the little lamp on the nightstand and settled in for the night. Remy snuggled a little closer and Joseph held him tight.

///

Joseph woke later that night because Remy was tossing and turning beside him. He sat upright and tried to determine what was wrong with his lover. Remy's eyes were closed and he now started to thrash violently. Immediately Joseph reached out, trying to calm the Cajun down.

"Remy? You're having a nightmare. Please wake up?" He tried to wrap his arms around Remy, but his lover jerked away from him, increasing the distance between them. Confused, Joseph tried to decipher the words Remy was whispering.

Remy struggled into an upright position and pleadingly extended his hands. "Father? Can't you stay a little longer? I made a drawing and even memorized a poem to recite to you. I want you to be proud of me, please don't go yet?"

Joseph's eyes grew big as he realized that Remy's accent had vanished and he even detected some sort of British accent. Worried, Joseph tried to wake Remy by talking softly to his lover. He didn't want to startle Remy awake. "Remy? It's a nightmare. Open your eyes. You need to wake up." Sighing, he realized that he wasn't getting through to Remy. Feeling helpless, he decided to stay close to Remy and wait for the nightmare to pass.

"It's been days since I last saw you. I feel lonely, father. Please stay a little longer. I don't want to be alone all day and you're never here during the night either. I want to tell you so many things. I've been reading books and..." Remy's voice trailed off and he flinched violently. "Please don't go, father..." A crestfallen expression shone from his melancholy eyes and he began to rock slowly back and forth after wrapping his arms around his waist.

Joseph felt truly powerless by now. "Remy, listen to my voice. Concentrate on my feelings. I can pull you back, no matter where you are." Cautiously, he rested his right hand on Remy's arm and squeezed gently. "You're not alone, Remy."

"Andy? You're back! Where have you been? I grew worried after father dragged you out of the room some weeks ago. I missed you!"

Joseph wasn't prepared to catch Remy when the Cajun suddenly threw himself at him. "Hey, I've got you. You're safe, Remy." Joseph wondered who this Andy was and suddenly doubted that Remy was having a nightmare. This felt... real... like Remy was reliving something from his past. Joseph's mind raced. Remy had never told him where he'd lived the first five years of his life. Was his lover having some sort of flashback? Frustrated, he wished he knew how to calm Remy down!

"Are you all right, Andy? No, I won't tell father that you're back. I'm so glad to see you! I was scared, you know!" Remy cocked his head, as if he were listening to Andy's answer. "I heard you scream when father dragged you downstairs. You shouldn't come here; it's too dangerous for you!"

Joseph did the only thing he could do, tighten the embrace and rock his lover. "We're both safe, Remy. Your father won't find us."

"He left, father left... I don't know when he'll be back. You should go hide, Andy." Remy hugged Joseph close under the impression that he was holding onto Andy.

"Remy, why don't we try to get some sleep?" Joseph suggested, hoping Remy would calm down. "You can cuddle up to me." Soothingly, he stroked Remy's back. "Everything's fine, Remy." His words had the desired effect and Remy calmed down. Joseph rolled Remy onto his side so he could monitor his lover's face. Holding him tight, he continued to soothingly stroke Remy's back and hair. "It's okay, Remy. You can go back to sleep."

"You'll stay, Andy, won't you?" Remy snuggled closer and curled up beside Joseph. "I always feel so alone... no one to talk to... I don't want to be alone all the time."

"You're not alone," Joseph assured him. "I'll stay with you, watch over you." Joseph's heart thundered, remembering the naked terror in Remy's eyes when he'd been pleading with his father. Puzzled, Joseph kept a close eye on Remy while trying to find the answers to his questions.

//Assuming that he didn't just have a nightmare, but relived something from his childhood, I'd say that his father scared the hell out of him and was never there for Remy. And who's this Andy? Remy feels obviously safe and comfortable when Andy is close. Does Remy have a brother?//

Remy was soundly asleep again and the Cajun's fingers clawed the sheets. "Shst, I'm here, Remy. You're not alone." Remy's nightmare had shocked him and his heart only slowly calmed down. It was obvious that he wasn't going to get any answers tonight, not now that Remy was asleep again and did he dare to address the nightmare in the morning?

//Maybe it was just a nightmare after all,// he thought, trying to reassure himself.

//But what if it was more than a nightmare? What if it was some sort of flashback?// that irritating voice asked.

//I don't know how to deal with that!// He tried hard not to panic. //Remy never told me about his father or this Andy... Should I ask him when he wakes up? What if he never remembers having had that nightmare?// Panicking, Joseph gazed at Remy, who was asleep again. This time, his dreams seemed to be of a peaceful nature, but Joseph couldn't help feeling apprehensive.

Finally, after long hours, Joseph fell asleep as well.

///

When Remy woke early the next morning he felt absolutely miserable. He vividly remembered the nightmare that had tormented him during the night and he hoped fervently that he hadn't woken Joseph in the process. Keeping his eyes closed a little longer, he prayed that Joseph didn't know about the nightmare.

"Remy? Are you awake yet?" Joseph's right hand gently cupped his lover's chin in its palm. "I know you're awake."

Sighing, Remy opened his eyes and Joseph's concern washed over him. //Merde! He knows 'bout de nightmare, sacre!// Cursing privately, he felt how the depression, which he'd thought defeated, returned.

He didn't want to talk to Joseph and pulled up the sheets to hide beneath. Turning away from Joseph, Remy heard his lover sigh. He didn't want to shut Joseph out like this, but it was the safest thing to do. His lover would leave him the moment Joseph learned his dark secret.

"Remy, why are you hiding beneath the sheets?" Joseph realized that he had to handle this carefully. //I need to re-establish the close contact between us,// he decided. He lifted the sheets and slid down to spoon behind his lover. Determinedly, he wrapped his arms around Remy's body, holding him tight. "You can't run away from me, Remy. I'll follow you wherever you go. You'd better accept that I'm here to stay."

Remy shivered at hearing Joseph's resolved tone and knew that his lover wouldn't let him retreat further into his mind. But he couldn't speak, couldn't acknowledge Joseph's presence.

"Remy? Do you hear me?" Worried, Joseph nuzzled the back of Remy's neck. "Please, Remy, let me in. I can only help if you take down the walls.

You're scared, why?" Some of Remy's fear tingled in his head, as the empath's feelings leaked into his mind. "You were there for me when I learned that I was a clone, now let me do the same thing for you."

But Remy couldn't acknowledge those words, couldn't accept Joseph's offer to support him. He had to deal with his dark past alone, no one could help him. //Can' ever reveal my secret!// He knew that Joseph meant well and Remy sensed empathically that his lover's desire to help was sincere, but he couldn't accept the offer.

Growing desperate, Joseph gently stroked Remy's arms and massaged the tense shoulders. "I can't force you to talk to me, Remy, but please reconsider. I need you as much as you need me."

Remy pinched his eyes shut, trying to lock out Joseph's voice. //Can' ever tell y', cher...//

A loud knock on the door startled them both. Remy immediately tried to pull away from Joseph, not wanting to embarrass his lover by being found in bed with him naked. A part of him realized that he wasn't acting rationally, but Remy felt powerless to stop his action.

Joseph sighed, realizing it would take time and a lot of coaxing and reassurance to make Remy open up. He wished their visitor would go away.

"Joseph? We need to talk... urgently," Hank said and waited for Joseph or Remy to open the door. He'd spent last night studying the test results and had to talk to Joseph right now. This couldn't wait!

"Yes, just give me a moment to get dressed!" Joseph hated pulling away from Remy and leaving his lover alone in the comfortable bed, but he realized that McCoy might have important news.

"Try to rest?" Joseph whispered as he tucked Remy in. He brushed his lover's brow with his lips, quickly planting a kiss there. "But we *will* talk later!" Remy didn't react and Joseph wondered what it would take to draw Remy back this time.

Quickly, he slipped into his jeans and a clean shirt and then walked to the door. After opening it, he wondered whether he should step outside into the corridor so Remy could get some rest, but in the end he decided against it. He wanted to keep a close eye on the Cajun.

"Joseph, we need to discuss the test results," Hank said and grew quiet when he caught sight of Remy, tucked away in bed. The blank stare was back, but McCoy could tell that Remy's mind hadn't retreated yet. Hank sighed, informing Joseph of his findings would be hard.

"I'm listening," Joseph assured Hank as he sat down on the side of the bed. His hand found Remy's beneath the sheets and he curled his fingers around it.

"I wish I were the bearer of better news," Hank started and gave Joseph an apologetic look.

"What did you find?" Joseph asked, as he rubbed Remy's icy fingers.

"I found an alien device which has been implanted in to your cerebral cortex and brain tissue. It's responsible for the pain you suffer. It controls all nerves ends and..."

"Can you surgically remove it?" Joseph held onto Remy's hand for moral support, wishing Remy hadn't chosen this moment to retreat back into his shell.

Remy held his breath. The unease and concern that rolled off Hank made him queasy. Supportively, he squeezed Joseph's hand, letting his lover know that he didn't have to do this on his own.

Feeling thankful, Joseph gazed into Remy's eyes. "Thanks for coming back."

Remy remained silent. He wanted to be there for Joseph, but his own pain tormented him at the same time. He didn't know how much of his strength he could lend Joseph.

Joseph focused again on McCoy. He read the answer to his question in the scientist's eyes. "You can't remove it."

"You wouldn't survive surgery." Hank began to pace slowly. "You would most probably die on the operating table or be comatose for the rest of your life. If you did wake up you'd be paralyzed..." Hank felt like he'd failed his friends, but there was nothing he could do for Joseph. "I'm so sorry, my friend."

"It's not your fault," Joseph said softly and felt Remy rise behind him. The Cajun kneeled on the bed and wrapped his arms around him. Remy didn't seem inhibited by Hank's presence and was freely expressing his love and affection and Joseph needed the reassurance that Remy would stick in there with him. For some reason he'd expected the Cajun to dump him.

Hank didn't know what to add. "I can run more tests," he offered. "Maybe we'll find a way to..." But Joseph cut him short.

"Thanks for trying," Joseph stated resolved. "But it looks like it's something I'll have to live with." Living with the constant threat of Astra torturing him would be hard on him and he wasn't sure how to ever master that.

"Please let me know if there's something I can do to help," Hank offered sincerely and only now he noticed that Remy was naked. The sheets had slipped down and did little to cover the Cajun's body. Hank smiled. He was glad that his friends had found happiness and safety in each other's arms.

"We will," Joseph assured McCoy, wishing the scientist would leave them alone now. Remy and he needed to discuss so many things!

Hank realized that the two men wanted some privacy and left the room. He felt truly sorry that he hadn't been able to help. Lost in thought, he bumped into Scott on the staircase.

Scott saw the concerned expression in his friend's eyes and asked, "I take it that Joseph's test results are in?"

Saddened, Hank nodded his head. "I can't help Joseph. Surgery would result in his death."

Scott swallowed hard at hearing the bad news. "What do we do now?" As team leader he felt responsible for each member.

"We must protect Joseph the only way we can, by staying close." Hank rubbed the bridge of his nose. All these years of research and study and there was nothing he could do to help his teammate. It made him wonder why he'd locked himself up in his lab all these years.

"Do you think Remy and Joseph will stay at the mansion?" Scott abandoned his original destination and fell into step beside Hank.

"I doubt it," Hank said thoughtfully. "I just visited them and Remy seemed to be suffering from a setback. He seemed very depressed and passive... until I told Joseph that I couldn't surgically remove the alien object; then Remy rose to the challenge and comforted him."

"How do you feel about them being a couple?" Scott inquired curiously.

"Joseph seems very happy and Remy needs someone to love him," Hank concluded. "I think they'll work out."

"What about Rogue?" Scott walked Hank to his lab and tried to organize his thoughts.

"She'll have to come to terms with them being lovers," Hank said softly. "Of course she feels betrayed, but this also offers her a chance to grow spiritually. It's up to her to either accept or decline the challenge."

"Let's hope she accepts it, or things might get ugly around here."

"What about Warren? Will he cause problems now that Remy's back at the mansion?" Hank entered his lab and sat down in front of the computer. "You will have to lay down some ground rules where Ororo and Warren are concerned," he warned Scott.

"I think I'm going to talk to Remy and Joseph first."

"Are you going to convince them to stay at the mansion?" Hank asked in a hopeful tone.

"I'll do my best," Scott promised. "Let's hope they'll agree with me."

///

"Remy?" Joseph leaned back and relished feeling his lover's arms around him. They hadn't moved since Hank had left. "We'll be on the run for the rest of our lives."

"We'll find a way to deal wit' it," Remy said determinedly and then his strength left him. He'd pulled himself together to support Joseph, but now he was falling apart again. He released Joseph and lay down on his left side, facing away from his lover and curled up in a fetal position.

"Remy?" Joseph crawled over to his lover and sat down beside him. He was facing Remy and saw the unshed tears in the red on black eyes.

"Y' should leave me, cher. Y' ve got 'nough problems wit'out havin' to deal wit' mine!"

"We need to talk about the nightmare," Joseph said cautiously.

"Don' wanna talk," Remy stated and closed his eyes, shutting Joseph out again.

"Do you know what the nightmare was about?" Joseph carefully rested his hand on Remy's head and allowed his fingers to tangle in his lover's hair. He prayed that Remy would trust him enough to discuss this. "Remy?"

"I said I don' wanna talk 'bout it!" Remy stated vehemently and rolled onto his other side, turning away from Joseph. "Leave me 'lone!"

"What's gotten you so scared that you're pushing me away?" Joseph stared at Remy's back, saw the tremors and realized that his lover had started to sob. "You can talk to me, Remy, I'll listen."

"Don' y' understand?" Remy hissed through clenched teeth. "I can' talk 'bout it!"

"What's 'it'?" Joseph moved a little closer and sat down. He leaned against the headboard and pulled Remy's head onto his lap. Remy's defenses always weakened when they were in close physical contact.

Remy clenched his lips shut; he would never tell Joseph his secret! Never! He didn't want Joseph to dump him. "Let it go," Remy warned Joseph. "I ain' talkin' 'bout it."

"Remy, we need to trust each other, especially now that we've got to face the possibility that Astra will hunt me down for the rest of my life. There can't be any secrets between us."

//Here it comes,// Remy thought sarcastically. //Now he's goin' to tell me dat Rogue was right, that I really am a secretive and manipulative bastard!// Remy held onto the sheets and wished the earth would open and swallow him.

Joseph stroked Remy's back with long, soothing strokes, but didn't know what to do to make Remy open up. "Remy, I need you."

Remy swallowed hard and unexpectedly he said, "I'm sorry dat Henri can' remove de alien object in y'r brain."

"I should have known better than to hope for a solution," Joseph said, feeling miserable himself. "Remy, I'll understand if you don't want to be with me any longer. Astra will try to get back at you for helping me."

"Are y' dumpin' me?" Remy asked in a tiny tone. He'd known that having Joseph for a lover was too good to be true.

"No, never!" Joseph stated determinedly and sought out Remy's hand to place a reverent kiss on it.

Remy felt slightly reassured, mostly because his empathy picked up on Joseph's honesty. It reassured him that his lover had no desire to let him go.

"You need to take the Zoloft, Remy," Joseph said and picked up the vial. He poured Remy a glass of water and offered the glass and the medication to his lover. "Swallow it."

"I really don' wanna take it, cher. Y' can see dat de meds don' work." Remy stared at the pill in the palm of Joseph's hand. "Won' take it."

"Remy," Joseph said sharply. "You *will* take your meds."

"Non," Remy replied firmly and tried to pull the sheets over his head, wanting to hide again.

"Oh, no, you *will* listen to me!" Joseph grabbed Remy's shoulders and pulled him into a sitting position. "I won't leave you alone until you take your medication. I won't let you hide and feel miserable. If necessary we'll sit here like this all day. Now take the Zoloft!" Joseph was losing his patience. Hank had just told him that Astra would always have a hold on him and now that Remy was objecting to taking the meds, he'd reached his limits.

Tears swam in Remy's eyes, as he felt the tension explode within his lover's mind. "Sorry, cher, don' wanna be dis difficult, mais de meds ain' helpin'! Look at me!"

"Remy, you've only been taking your medication for a few days. Give it time." Joseph released Remy's shoulders and took hold of the glass and pill, which he had placed on the nightstand before grabbing Remy's shoulders. "Swallow the pill."

Remy felt miserable, but obeyed. After emptying the glass he handed it back to Joseph. "Wanna be strong for y', mais... can' help m'self."

"I know that, Remy, and I understand that you're seriously depressed. I owe you an apology," Joseph whispered, averting his eyes. "I shouldn't have forced you to take your meds, but... when you retreat like that you scare the hell out of me!" He raised Remy's head by placing his hand beneath his lover's chin and they gazed into each other's eyes. "I love you. That's why I'm acting like a bully."

Remy let Joseph's concern and love wash over him. "Sorry," he whispered miserably. "Y' just heard dat de object Astra implanted in y'r brain can' be removed and I decide to feel sorry for m'self. Doesn' seem fair."

"Don't worry about it," Joseph assured his lover. "But we need to figure out what to do next." Joseph caressed Remy's cheek and the Cajun cocked his head, leaning into the caress. "Astra won't leave us alone, and as long as she can control me with pain I'm defenseless."

Remy forced himself not to give in to the gloomy darkness that threatened to consume him, but to consider their problems instead. //I know someone who can help y'...// but did he dare make the suggestion?

"Remy?" Joseph's hand disappeared into his lover's dark locks to finger them.

"Mebbe y' should ask anot'er scientist to examine y'?" Remy started carefully, "Like gettin' a second opinion?"

"Whom could I ask? Doctor McCoy is the best!" Joseph shook his head. "I don't know anyone else." Reed Richard's name crossed his mind, but he dismissed it again. If Hank couldn't help him, no one could. He was sure that McCoy had studied every angle to his problem and Richards would come to the same conclusion; that it was inoperable.

Remy licked his lips, taking one of the greatest risks in his life. The little voice in the back of his head told him that he was about to make a major mistake, but he plunged ahead nonetheless. "Know someone who might be able to help y', cher."

Joseph caught Remy's gaze with his eyes. "And who would that be?"

Remy buried his hands in the sheets, desperately clawing the fabric. "Sinister," he mumbled, barely audible.

Joseph pushed Remy away from him and glared at him. "I can't believe you said that! The bastard used you to slaughter the Morlocks and now you suggest that I go to him for help? Did you lose your mind?"

Remy flinched visibly and bit his lower lip. //Should have listened to dat little voice...// But it was too late now, he'd made the first step, he'd better follow up now. "Sinister's a scientist. He helped me when my powers were out of control. He removed cells from my brain stem so I wouldn' blow m'self up!" he blurted out. Tears ran down his face. "Why do y' t'ink I agreed to gat'er de Marauders? I owed him!"

Joseph swallowed hard. Shocked, he stared hard at Remy. He was still trying to process everything that Remy had just told him. "You allowed Sinister to operate on you?"

"I didn' have a choice, Joe!" Remy sobbed. "Was scared dat I'd blow up innocent people. Didn' care 'bout m'self. Sure, I wanted to live mais..."

Unable to finish, he continued to sob. Joseph was no longer holding him and he reckoned he'd lost his lover for good. Joseph wouldn't want him any more.

"Remy, I can understand that you needed help to control your powers," Joseph said thoughtfully, still not touching the Cajun. "But why ask Sinister for help?"

"No one else could help me! Don' y' t'ink I asked all dem scientists dat prided demselves on treatin' mutants who needed help? Dey told me dat surgery was too risky, dat I might end up comatose or paralyzed, like Henri told y' just now! Dat was why I t'ought of Sinister!" Remy had exhausted himself by defending his former actions and now grew silent. "Just get out of de room, Joe. I wanna be 'lone."

Joseph got to his feet and studied the Cajun. Remy's eyes were closed and his lover shook all over his body. "I don't want to leave you alone. Not when you're feeling like this." What the hell was going on? Why were they fighting?

"Remy?" Determinedly, Joseph walked over to Remy's side of the bed and sat on his heels. "I'm sorry I reacted like that, but the thought of Sinister having you on his operating table makes me feel..."

"Disgusted?" Remy supplied and suddenly locked eyes with his lover. The red irises burned. "Want me to remind y' dat he also brought me back from de dead wit'out my consent? Do y' know how it feels, knowin' dat Sinister resuscitated me? I didn' want him to bring me back!"

Joseph decided that it was time to stop arguing about the past. "Remy, you're alive, you're here... that's all that matters." Carefully, Joseph sat down on the side of the bed and offered Remy his hand. "Please let me hold you? I'm sorry that I overreacted."

Remy gazed into Joseph's eyes for a long time. His lover's feelings tugged at his mind, urging him to cover the emotional and physical distance between them. //Josep' still wants me,// he realized, confused. "Cher... je t'aime, y' know dat... sorry I made dat suggestion."

"You were just trying to help." Joseph released the breath he'd been holding when Remy finally accepted his hand. Joseph didn't waste any time and pulled Remy close. "We'll deal with this together." But he still felt shocked, knowing that Sinister had operated on Remy. That surgery might have saved the Cajun's life, but in return Remy had been forced to gather the Marauders. "You never had a choice..."

"Huh? Cher? What?" Remy rested against Joseph's chest, soaking up his lover's acceptance and love. Joseph's warm feelings had distracted him and Remy hadn't been listening.

"Sinister, he was the only one who could help you. You had to trust him or else you would have died."

"Oui," Remy whispered. Tremors shook his voice. "I didn' wanna ask him for help. I knew he was trouble, mais... I was young and didn' want to die."

"You're still young," Joseph replied and rocked Remy in his arms. Relieved, he noticed that Remy had calmed down. "Did you ever consider that Sinister might have set you up?" Joseph felt the shivers that coursed through his lover's body.

"Why do y' say dat?"

"Sinister forced you to gather the Marauders and then they slaughtered the Morlocks..." Joseph paused briefly. "I bet he could have gathered the Marauders himself. Why would he need your help?"

"Cher, don' go dere, please."

The desperate tone in Remy's voice took him aback and he realized that there was more to this story than Remy wanted him to know. He would let go for now, but vowed that he would make Remy tell him the whole truth one day.

 

Chapter Ten

Joseph kept a close eye on Remy, as he didn't like the return of his lover's apathy. "Why don't you take a long shower, Remy?" he suggested. "Maybe it'll make you feel better."

Remy doubted taking a shower would help, but complied and walked into the adjoining bathroom. Slowly, he stripped and avoided looking at himself in the mirror. He simply couldn't face his reflection this morning.

He released a choked sigh as the warm water cascaded down his body. Maybe Joseph was right about taking a shower, he did feel better, but just a little. Bowing his head, he let the water drip down his body. "Y' fucked up 'gain, Remy," he whispered, knowing that the sound of the shower would smother his words. Joseph wouldn't hear him.

"What de hell possessed y' to mention... *him*? Why mention..." Remy was unable to speak the name, as a terrible pain cut through his heart. Trying to comfort himself, he wrapped his arms around his waist and leaned against the cold, wet cabin wall. Slowly, he slid down until he sat on the floor. Water crashed down all around him and he pulled up his knees, trying to make himself as small as possible.

Sobbing softly, he tried to lock out the painful memories, but they persisted, demanding to be acknowledged.

///

# What the fuck! Suddenly, I'm gasping for breath. My eyes hurt and I keep them tightly shut. When I was little I learned the hard way how sensitive my eyes are. Bright light hurts like hell.

Feeling confused, I try to recall what happened. I was inside Eric the Red's fortress and Rogue had left me to fend for myself on the ice. Yeah, like I could survive there on my own! She knew that I was going to die in the fortress.

For days I searched the fortress, trying to find food and water, but I came up empty every time. In the end, I went outside and stuffed some snow into my mouth. The thirst was unbearable. But the snow made me sick and I began to throw up. I felt miserable and decided to retreat into one of the inner chambers where it wasn't that cold.

I remember sitting down and rubbing my arms and legs to get warm. I couldn't let the cold win. I had to fight, but... what did I have left to fight for? Rogue had deserted me...

//She betrayed you,// that irritating little voice stated determinedly and I couldn't keep my tears back any longer. However, they froze before reaching my chin. Right there and then I realized that I was going to die.

I died... I remember dying. It sounds odd, but it was just like going to sleep. My eyelids closed and I gave up, I finally surrendered to the nothingness. I was no longer afraid to die. Death would bring the oblivion I craved so badly. I would finally find the peace I had been looking for my entire life.

"Remy?"

The voice jolts me fully awake and my eyes flash open. Thankfully, the light isn't too bright, but I wish I wasn't able to make out the form hovering above me. I never wanted to see him again and now he's here, and his hand rests on my brow. I hate it when he touches me.

"Good, you're fully conscious again." Sinister remarks, pleased.

I shiver and then the enormity of what Sinister has done hits me. I died inside the fortress and now I'm alive again! "Y' brought me back!" My throat aches badly, but I refuse to give in to the pain. "Why couldn' y' let me die?" I sob the words. Emotionally, I can't handle having him this close, not after everything he's done to me!

"Remy, calm yourself."

Sinister checks my readings and obviously feels pleased, as he nods his head. Staring into his eyes, I exclaim, "I don' wanna be calm! I died and y' brought me back! Why? I mean not'in' to y'. Why can' y' stay out of my life?" My body is exhausted and my mind can't deal with being brought back from the dead. "Why can' y' leave me 'lone?"

"You know why, Remy," Sinister says in a gentle tone.

His fingers rub my brow and I try to shake them off.

"Had I found you one hour later I wouldn't have been able to resuscitate you."

"I just want y' to leave me 'lone! I ain' stayin' here," I add nervously. "The moment I'm able to walk I'm out of here."

"Don't make any hasty decisions, Remy. Rest first and then we'll discuss your future." Sinister takes hold of a syringe, lets the air escape and inserts its tip into the IV.

I watch helplessly as the dark liquid is pumped into my veins. I try to move, to get up, but my body is paralyzed. "I ain' stayin' here," I repeat my earlier statement, hoping to get through to him.

"We'll see about that, Remy, now sleep."

Sinister takes a step back and watches me until my eyes finally close due to exhaustion. I know that Sinister will never leave me alone. I almost escaped him in death, now I'm his prisoner in life.

///

"Remy!" Joseph rushed inside and opened the cabin door. On the floor, beneath a spray of ice cold water was Remy, curled into a small ball. "Remy, what are you doing?" Concerned, he turned off the water and grabbed a pair of towels, which he quickly wrapped around Remy's shivering form.
"You're cold, Remy. Why didn't you turn off the water?" The blank stare that met his eyes made him flinch. "Remy? Are you still with me? Can you hear me?" The fear and pain that crept into his mind were Remy's and Joseph shuddered, feeling its intensity. "Come on, I'll get you warm again!"

Joseph made sure that Remy lay comfortably in his arms and carried his lover to the bed. He'd changed the sheets while Remy had been in the shower and now folded the comforter around his lover's cold body. "Remy? Talk to me?" He could still see the sparkle of life in Remy's eyes that told him his lover hadn't retreated into his protective shell yet. Encouraged, Joseph rubbed Remy's arms and legs, trying to stimulate the blood circulation. "What's going on?"

"Was t'inkin' 'bout my mistakes, cher," Remy offered. It felt so damn good to be in Joseph's arms again after reliving that terrible moment of waking up in Sinister's lab.

"Stop being this hard on yourself, Remy," Joseph said pleadingly and enfolded Remy's body in his arms. Thankfully, his lover began to feel warm again. "You've got to focus on our future!"

//What future, cher? Astra will hunt us down!// Remy thought privately. "Je t'aime," he whispered instead. Joseph brushed his lips and Remy clung to him for support. "What's wrong wit' me?"

"You died and you had to deal with that on your own." Joseph licked his lips. "You're depressed, but you'll get better. I promise."

//Don' make promises y' can' keep!// Remy relaxed in Joseph's arms, wishing his lover had the power to keep his nemesis away. "Cher? I wanna go for a walk... 'lone."

Joseph gave him a concerned look. "Are you sure? I'd love to accompany you."

"I need to be 'lone for a lil' while," Remy clarified. He really needed some personal time and space to find a way to deal with the flashback he'd just had. //And I had one last night too!// Why was he having them now?

"Where will you be heading?" Joseph asked. He wanted to know where he could find Remy in case of an emergency.

"De lake," Remy whispered. "Please don' follow me? I promise not to do anyt'in' stupid."

Joseph tensed. "You've been thinking about hurting yourself, otherwise you wouldn't feel the need to make me that promise, Remy! When I find one scratch or one drop of blood on your body, you're in trouble, sexy."

Hearing that pet name, Remy almost burst out in to tears. //Merde! I don' wanna be dis emotional!// "Y' sure y' wanna headcase for a boyfriend?" he teased, but was scared to hear the answer nonetheless. At some point Joseph had to grow tired of his constant whining and self pity.

"Yes, I'm sure," Joseph assured his lover and placed a passionate kiss on Remy's lush lips. "Don't get into trouble, you hear me?" He didn't like the fact that Remy wanted to go for a walk alone, but he wouldn't stop him. He couldn't take away his lover's personal freedom. All he could do was hope that Astra wouldn't make her move while Remy was alone. Well, Scott had told him that security had been upgraded so Remy should be safe out there.

"I'm goin' to get dressed, cher. I promise to be back shortly."

Reluctantly, Joseph released Remy and watched his lover slip into his clothes. "Be careful out there."

"Don' worry, cher. I'm... *was* an X-Man. I know how to defend m'self." Remy had slipped into his jeans and shirt and was now putting on his socks and boots. After gathering his coat, Remy headed for the doorway. "Gimme an hour?"

"*One* hour. If you're not home by then I'll come looking for you," Joseph said determinedly.

Remy nodded his head and opened the door. "I'll be back in one hour," he promised and fled the room.

Puzzled, Joseph watched him run down the stairs and out of the mansion.

///

Scott knocked on the door to Remy's room and asked, "Joseph? Can we talk?"

Joseph had been pacing the room since Remy had left and felt thankful for the distraction that Scott provided. "Yes, you can come inside."

Scott entered the room and closely examined Joseph's eyes. He'd seen Remy leave the mansion earlier, but didn't want to pry. However, it was obvious that Joseph was worried, as his grey eyes were heavily clouded. Scott decided not to question Joseph about Remy and focused on his job as team leader instead. "Hank told me that surgery isn't an option."

Joseph nodded his head. "Doctor McCoy is a good man; he did his best to help..."

Scott took a step closer towards Joseph. His tone was firm when he said, "I want Remy and you to stay at the mansion. At least that way we can protect you when Astra makes her move. I don't know the extent of her powers, and although I secured the premises, she might find a way inside."

"I appreciate your concern," Joseph said slowly, thinking everything over. "But I've got to consider what's best for Remy and right now, he can't deal with having the others close."

"That's another reason why I want to talk to you. I want to lay down some ground rules to make sure that Warren, Rogue and Storm behave when Remy's close."

"You forget one thing," Joseph remarked. "Remy's an empath and you can't control what they're feeling. Their negative emotions will add to Remy's depression."

"No, I didn't forget about that," Scott said determinedly. "The professor made sure that every X-Man has shields that will keep out a telepath. Those shields can also lock out an empath. By blocking their feelings Remy wouldn't be exposed to them."

"They didn't use their shields when Remy still lived here?" Joseph asked, curiously.

"We didn't know that Remy was an empath, but now I'm going to demand they use their shields as long as Remy's here," Scott stated firmly.

"What if they refuse?"

"Then the professor will deal with them," Scott informed Joseph. "I discussed this with the professor and he agreed."

"I want to be present when you talk to them." Joseph turned away from Scott and looked out over the garden. Where was Remy? Ah, yes, his lover had told him that he was going to the lake. What a pity that he couldn't see it from here.

"Let's do this now," Scott said decisively. "Are you coming along? We'll talk to Storm first."

Joseph nodded once and followed Scott into the corridor. He'd make damn sure that no one ever hurt Remy again!

///

Storm had agreed to keep up her shields whenever Remy was close and encouraged, they now posed the same question to Rogue. Scott had been doing all the talking so far and Joseph was comfortable with that. He didn't know the other team members that well anyway.

"Rogue, will you agree to use your shields when Remy's close?" Scott asked in an authoritative tone. "You know that Joseph and Remy can't stay at the boathouse. That would leave them wide open for Astra; they've got to stay here."

"Ah never knew that he's an empath," Rogue said thoughtfully. The way Remy had tapped into Joseph's pain during Astra's attack had puzzled her, but she'd never thought that the Cajun could be an empath, and a strong one at that! //Another secret he kept from me!//

"You helped us fight Astra," Joseph said, trying to convince Rogue. "Please, all I'm asking is that you keep up your shields. Remy has suffered enough."

Rogue maintained eye contact with Joseph while answering him. "Ah've been thinkin', Joe."

"What about?" Joseph fought the urge to hold his breath. They really needed her co-operation!

"About us, Joe." Rogue watched his reaction carefully. "Yeah, Ah know that there ain't an us any longer and Ah have a hard time dealin' with that."

Both Scott and Joseph held their breaths. This could so easily go wrong!

"Ah know that yuh don't want me no more, Joe, and that hurts, but Ah've got to be strong and deal with that." Rogue drew in a deep breath. "Ah've been thinkin' about the things Ah said after findin' out that yuh and Remy were together and... Ah acted like a brat." Pleadingly, Rogue looked into Joseph's eyes. "Ah acted like that because yuh hurt my feelings."

"I'm truly sorry," was all Joseph could offer.

"Ah know that," Rogue sighed. "Ah will give swamp rat and yuh a chance. Ah'll use my shields."

"Thanks, Rogue!" Scott said, grateful that she would co-operate. Looking at Joseph, Scott said, "That leaves Warren."

"Yuh won't convince Wings that easily," Rogue warned them. "Warren's really, *really* mad at swamp rat."

"He'd better behave or he'll deal with me!" Joseph stated determinedly and locked eyes with Rogue again. "I mean it, Rogue, thanks for giving us that chance."

Rogue turned away from them and stared out of the window. She didn't want Joseph to see her crying.

///

Warren never expected their visit, but allowed them in. Defensively, he placed his hands on his hips and watched them closely. He didn't like it one bit that Scott was befriending Joseph. "What do you want, Slim?"

Scott took a deep breath; Rogue had been right. Warren held a severe grudge against Remy and maybe against Joseph too; they were both outsiders. "I'm here to tell you to keep up your shields when Remy's close."

Warren raised a puzzled eyebrow. "Why would I do that? It's not like he's a telepath and can read my mind!" Warren suddenly realized what he'd said. "Please tell me that he isn't a telepath."

"Remy is an *empath* and your hate is hurting him!" Joseph stated angrily.

"An empath?" Warren licked his lips. "What other secrets is he hiding?"

Scott knew Warren well enough to realize that his friend was going to push this conversation to its limits. "If you don't comply, the professor will contact you and ask you to temporarily leave the mansion." Okay, he was bluffing. The professor and he had never agreed to take such drastic measures, but Warren didn't know that.

Warren looked stunned, but quickly regained his composure. "You want to let the traitor stay and kick me out instead? Slim, you disappoint me."

"Traitor?" Joseph stepped up to Warren and a menacing look flashed across his face. "How did Remy betray you?"

"He gathered the Marauders, who are responsible for the loss of my wings!" Warren hissed, angered.

Joseph bared his teeth when he grinned. "Why don't you listen to your own words? You said it yourself; *the Marauders* damaged your wings. Remy never touched you!" His rage was building and he fought hard to remain in control of his anger.

Shocked at Joseph's audacity, Warren's eyes grew big. "So the rumor is true then? Gambit has found himself a new toy." Warren strode through the room, never taking his eyes off Joseph. "Rogue's one smart lady. First, she finally dumps the traitor and then you. It seems fitting that you two losers end up fucking each other."

Scott stepped between them, not wanting this conversation to end in a physical fight. "Warren, you've gone too far. Remy's a team mate and..."

"Team mate?" Warren snarled. "He got the Morlocks killed!"

Joseph shot Warren an icy glare. "And you call yourself an X-Man?" Seeing Warren's anger in the man's eyes, Joseph knew he had to take action. "You listen to me, and listen carefully," he said, shoving Scott aside and stepping up to Warren's face. "You'll show Remy the same respect you show the other X-Men. I won't put up with you harassing Remy or making condescending remarks. You've hurt Remy in the past; I won't allow it to continue."

"Are you threatening me?" Warren whispered, taken aback. He'd seen Joseph's powers and knew what the other mutant was capable of.

"It's a warning," Joseph replied. "You'd better heed it and keep those shields up. If you make just one spiteful remark about Remy's love life or his past, you'll pay for it!"

"Joseph..." Scott intervened, trying to calm Joseph down. "I think he got the message."

"You only get one warning, Worthington. You'd better consider your next move carefully because I'll be watching you!" Enraged, Joseph stormed out of Warren's room and went in search of his lover.

"Slim?" Taken aback, Warren looked to Scott for support.

"I agree with Joseph, Warren. You've got to stop putting Remy down. We're a team; it's about time we started acting like one." Scott marched out of the room, leaving Warren behind.

"What the hell just happened?" Warren whispered, nervously. It was obvious that he had to make a choice; stay, keep his shields up and behave himself, or leave the mansion.

///

Remy stared out over the lake. Lost in thought, he tried to get a grip on his memories. They were going haywire and he was unable to control them.

///

# "Open your eyes," Sinister orders determinedly.

I obey, unable to stop myself. I'm still trying to accept that I'm alive again and the last thing I need is a pissed off Sinister.

"Are you feeling any better?"

I frown; wondering why Sinister seems worried. "Oui," I reply, trying to come up with some sort of strategy that will help me deal with him. I can't decipher the look he's giving me, he almost seems concerned. Yeah, right... concerned about *me*?

"You've always been an empath," Sinister states in a surprisingly soft tone.

"How do y' know dat?" I ask, taken aback. I try to push myself into an upright position, but my exhausted body refuses to obey.

A thoughtful expression appears in Sinister's eyes and makes me shiver. Sinister's eyes remind me of my own. I watch Sinister closely as the scientist moves to the foot end of the bed. I sigh, feeling relieved, now that he isn't that close any longer. "What do y' want from me?"

"It's been over 150 years since I felt... something," Sinister states and locks eyes with me. "It must be because of your empathy... your death enhanced your abilities."

"Y' don'... feel? Y' don' have any feelings?" I ask, surprised that Sinister is volunteering such personal information.

"I made a deal with Apocalypse," Sinister explains. "I wanted to conduct my experiments without any moral restraints and he took away my feelings and my conscience. He granted me my wish."

"Why are y' tellin' me dis?" I can't help growing concerned. What are his plans for me? Looking about I see that I'm in his lab. I remember waking up here after he performed surgery on me years ago.

"Because of your empathy," Sinister starts, "my feelings have returned."

I don't know how to react to that so I wait for him to continue.

"I owe you an explanation," Sinister says thoughtfully.

"What for? For trickin' me in to leadin' de Marauders into de tunnels so dey could kill de Morlocks? Y' never mentioned dat part of y'r plan!" My hands shake and I feel like I can fall apart any moment now.

"Remy, do you know who I am?"

Looking at Sinister, I feel trapped. "What kinda question is dat?"

"Why the accent, Remy? I never taught you to talk like that."

I shiver. "What are y' talkin' 'bout, Sinister?"

"I taught you to speak the Queen's English, Remy."

I stare at him in disbelief. How does he know that I'm not Cajun by birth?

"Maybe I should just show you," Sinister says and takes one step closer to the bed.

Shivering violently, I watch his body transform. I know that he's a shape shifter, read it in the files, but... I know the face that now stares back at me.

"Bâtard," I snarl.

"My real name is Nathaniel Essex... I *am* your father, Remy."

"Non! It's a lie! Y're playin' games!"

"I can prove to you that I'm telling the truth. You were born in London and I delivered you personally. During the first 4 years of your life you lived at King George Street 12 and then we moved to New Orleans. You're my second son. Adam, my first born, died when he was four. I told you about him when you were little."

I can't believe this is happening, but every word he has said is true. "Y' can' be my fat'er." I'm in denial, although my heart is telling me that Sinister is speaking the truth.

"You're Remy Nathan Essex, born November first at Dulwich hospital, where I was working as a physician. You can't deny the truth, son."

"No!" I yelp, as the defenses that I built these last 20 years tumble down. "I'm *not* your son!"

"Ah, where's your Cajun accent now, Remy?"

Trembling, I avert my eyes and now I know why they resemble Sinister's that much... he's my father... I'm his son. #

///

Remy finally managed to get a tight hold on his memories. What was going on? Why was his past surfacing now? He'd thought that he'd dealt with most of this stuff.

//I dreamed of Andy...// That had shaken him most. Andy had been his only friend when he'd been living with Nathaniel Essex. Andy had been older than him, maybe 9 or 10 and he'd trusted the older boy completely. Essex had never been around and Andy had been the one he'd talked to, played or cried with.

Losing Andy had been devastating and he refused to think about finding his friend dead in the basement. //I ain' goin' dere!// he thought, bordering on the edge of hysteria. Why couldn't the past leave him alone? None of what had happened had been his fault; at least he desperately wanted to believe that. He was so lost in thought that he never heard the soft footfalls coming up him.

"Remy?"

Immediately recognizing that voice, Remy turned around to face Essex. Shivers ran down his spine as he took in his father's appearance; Sinister had morphed into Nathaniel Essex and Remy locked eyes with his father.

"Remy? Your thoughts brought me here. We need to talk."

"Go away," Remy demanded, his hands turning into fists. "I don't want to talk to you, haven't you figured that out yet?" Remy couldn't help relapsing into his old speech pattern. "Why can't you leave me alone? After you brought me back..." Remy flinched. "I told you to leave me the hell alone after you brought me back! I didn't want you to resuscitate me, don't you get it?"

Essex studied Remy closely. "You don't look well."

"Why do you care all of a sudden? You should have cared for me 20 years ago, father!" The last word dripped with venom. Remy gathered his coat around him, trying to hold onto the little warmth now that a chilly wind was beginning to blow.

"I know I made mistakes," Essex admitted. "But I want to make things up to you."

"You can't!" Remy stated vehemently and turned away from his father. "You hurt me too deeply."

"Remy," he walked up to Remy, but didn't touch his son. "I didn't know that I was inflicting such pain."

"Yeah, you never expected my empathy to backfire on you, did you?"

"I never knew it was that strong," Essex admitted honestly. "And you're right; I didn't expect it to manifest that strongly after resuscitating you." Looking at Remy, he tried to find the right words. "When your empathy manifested, it freed the emotions that Apocalypse had locked away. I do love you, son."

"You *love* me since exactly 6 weeks ago," Remy stated unconvinced and finally found the courage to confront his father. "Why did you choose this form?" he asked and pointed at his father's appearance. "We both know it's a lie. This is not who you really are, Sinister."

"I'm your father, Remy. To you I'm Nathaniel Essex and I chose to appear like this because I know it's less painful for you. I remember the way you reacted when you looked me in the eyes after coming back from the dead."

Remy laughed hysterically. "You and Sinister are the same person and you hurt me in both guises! As my father, Nathaniel Essex, you were never there for me! Never! All I had was Andy and you killed him! You killed him in front of me and then you offered to clone me a new companion!"

Essex felt uncomfortable. He'd never thought that Remy's newly discovered empathy could awaken fatherly feelings in him. He'd only had those for his first born, Adam, who had died when he'd only been 4. But since he'd brought Remy back, he felt protective of his son and had reconsidered his former actions. Now that he had these feelings again, he knew that he'd wronged Remy, but his son would never accept his apology. "I shouldn't have killed Andy in front of you," he admitted slowly. "But I was furious when I found out that the two of you were making plans to run away from home."

"Home? You call that a home?" Remy wrapped his arms around his waist and glared at his father. "You were never there for me! I was always alone! You never told me about my mother! I still don't know who she is! You killed Andy repeatedly and then cloned him again so you had a spy to tell you what I was thinking! You have no respect for human life, father, and you certainly don't love me! Don't ever say you do!"

Remy was fighting the urge to sob. "How many times did you kill and clone Andy? Did you ever stop to think about the moral consequences? No! You considered him inferior and dispensable, but he was my friend, my *only* friend." After witnessing Andy's death at his father's hands, he'd run away. He'd ended up on the streets and then mère Cosette had found him.

"In the five years that I lived with you, you never loved me!" Remy whispered in an emotional tone. "And now that you've got your feelings back because of my empathy, it's too late. You can't change or erase the past. Don't expect me to welcome you with open arms!"

Essex carefully considered his next move. "Would you believe me if I told you that I'm truly sorry I hurt you?"

"You don't get it, do you?" Remy's eyes flashed when he looked at his father's appearance, which could no longer fool him. "Because of your scheming I'm responsible for the Morlocks' Massacre!"

"I would never try to hurt you like that again." Feeling uncomfortable, Essex tried to explain. "Apocalypse took away my emotions when I went to him. I wanted to be able to carry out my work without moral limitations. When you defied me time and time again I wanted to force you to come back to me."

"You thought that I'd come running back to you after the Massacre?" Remy whispered in disbelief. Suddenly, his father's actions made sense.

"You would have no other place to go." Essex maintained eye contact with Remy.

"You were smart, father," Remy admitted. "You never let me see your real face while I lived with you and when I met Sinister, I didn't know it was you."

"But I told you who I was after I brought you back to life."

"Seeing you morph from Sinister in to Essex will haunt me as long as I'll live. I had died, felt drained and then you showed me that Sinister and my father are the same person!" Emotionally exhausted, Remy wondered why he was having this conversation. "I've got nothing left to say to you, so just leave, father."

Essex sighed. When he'd brought his son back it had been his intention to force Remy to stay with him and he would have restrained his son to keep him close, but when his emotions had kicked back in, he'd realized that what he was doing was wrong.

Essex had never wanted his conscience back.

"I will be back, son," Essex told Remy. "We need to discuss your powers and..."

"*My* powers?" Remy snarled. "*Your* genes kicked in!" Remy fought his tears. "Do you know that your powers are showing now? Last night, I almost read Joseph's thoughts and the palms of my hands itch!"

Essex flinched; flinched for the first time in over 150 years. "You might be able to release your kinetic charge without the help of your cards then." He recalled the first time he'd released his blasts from his hands. "What about your body? Any shape shifting abilities?" He'd never considered this could happen; had never thought of the possibility that Remy's powers could evolve after he'd re-activated Remy's cells to bring his son back.

"Shape shifting? Oh no!" Remy hadn't even considered that. "What's next? Your armor?"

Concerned, Essex closely monitored his son's reactions. "I need to teach you how to handle these skills. Professor Xavier won't be able to give you proper instructions in how to deal with my powers."

Remy's eyes burned. "So that's it? This is your newest ploy to force me to stay with you?"

"You came to me for help once before, Remy," Essex reminded him. "It was easier for you to control your powers after you had surgery, wasn't it?" He was growing truly worried. Remy was showing skills that Apocalypse had given *him*. "Let me help you."

"Leave me the hell alone!" Remy exploded. Tears of rage and hurt dripped from his chin. "I finally found a home and I'm not giving it up for you! I'd rather blow myself up first before trusting you again!"

The fact that Remy was emotionally unstable greatly worried Essex. "You're my only son, Remy. I lost Adam and Rebecca. You're all I've left. I don't want you to kill yourself."

Remy's hysterical laughter cut through the air. "You never acted like my father before so don't start now! When I was little you talked about Adam all the time. You made me feel inferior and I knew then that I was only a replacement. I only had Andy and..." Unable to continue he sank onto his knees.

Essex took a step closer to his son and wanted to reassuringly pet Remy's back, but the young man jerked away from his touch.

"Don't! You never wanted to hold me when I was little and I don't want you comforting me now!" Remy rocked slowly, wishing his father would leave him alone. He was tired, tired of living a lie. //Please, don't let Joseph find out!// Joseph would dump him, tell the X-Men the truth and they would kick him out for good. He didn't have a place to go. Jean-Luc and tante would welcome him with open arms, but the assassins would kill him the moment he was seen in New Orleans and he refused to stay with his real father, his nemesis.

Essex decided to try once more. "Remy, you don't want to hurt Joseph accidentally, do you? It can happen because you don't know the extent of your powers."

Remy's head jerked back. "You've been spying on me! Don't you dare harm Joseph!"

"I have no intentions of harming your lover," Essex assured him quickly. "But as he's close all the time, he might be the first to get hurt when your new powers truly manifest."

"I can deal with this alone!" Remy struggled back to his feet and started for the mansion. "I strongly suggest you keep your distance."

Essex watched him leave and didn't know whether to feel thankful or cursed now that his feelings had returned. He was determined to keep a close eye on his son because he wanted to be able to intervene quickly, should Remy lose control over his new powers. Turning around, he chuckled, another sensation he'd been deprived of for over 150 years.

///

Joseph stepped away from the cover of the tree when Remy passed by. "Remy?"

Remy jerked around, shocked by his lover's sudden appearance. How long had Joseph been here? What had his lover heard? Had Joseph seen Essex? "Cher, what are y' doin' here?" Immediately, he slipped back into using his Cajun accent. He'd learned to play this role perfectly through the years.

"I needed to know you were safe so I came looking for you," Joseph explained. He'd only caught part of Remy and the stranger's conversation and didn't know what to think of the things he'd heard. "Whom were you talking to? I don't think I've seen him here before. How did he get inside? Scott upgraded the mansion's security this morning."

Remy began to tremble violently, not knowing how to answer all those questions. The fact that Essex was his father had to remain a secret. "Cher, I don' know..." he whispered, feeling emotionally drained. Joseph had him cornered and his anxiety increased. The emotional pressure finally got to him and he collapsed.

Joseph moved quickly when Remy fainted. He caught his lover in his arms and held him tight.

 

Chapter Eleven

When Remy opened his eyes he saw that he was back at the boathouse. A soft sigh fled his lips as he tried to sit upright, after realizing that he was lying down on the couch. Remy rubbed his brow and pinched his eyes, trying to lock out the thundering headache that almost made him want to throw up.

"Here, drink this," Joseph handed Remy a cup of tea. His lover's trembling fingers curled tightly around the hot mug. "Are you cold?"

"Non," Remy replied, but the shivers that ran through his body betrayed him. It wasn't just his body that felt cold, his mind felt frozen after the conversation he'd just had with Essex.

Joseph retrieved a blanket from the bedroom and draped it over Remy's shoulders. He sat down beside his lover and studied Remy. "You have to stop scaring me like that," he said softly. His heart had missed several beats when Remy had passed out.

"Sorry dat I fainted, cher," Remy apologized. "I just couldn' deal wit' everyt'in' happenin' at de same time." Growing quiet again, Remy focused on the hot tea in his hands and sipped it carefully. He didn't really know what to do, now that Joseph had overheard parts of his conversation with Essex.

"Who was that man you were talking to?" Joseph asked, curiously. He gently pulled Remy close, slipped one arm around his lover's shoulders and plunged ahead. "You called him father." Holding his breath, Joseph waited and when Remy didn't speak, he added, "No more secrets, Remy. I can tell that you're hurting inside. I see it in your eyes and your pain brushes against my mind. Did your father hurt you? If he did he'll pay for it."

Remy locked eyes with Joseph and chuckled softly, trying to picture his lover squaring off against Essex, but then the seriousness of the situation hit him. "Cher, I can' tell y'," Remy said in a tone filled with unspoken regret.

Joseph decided that he needed to add more pressure to make Remy open up to him. "When you talked to him, you didn't have a Cajun accent, Remy." That was probably the one thing that had shocked him most; the fact that Remy had never slipped when using his Cajun accent. He wanted to discuss this in depth later, but he needed to go slow now.

"What else did y' hear, cher?" Remy clutched the tea mug so tightly that he feared the porcelain might implode in his hands due to the pressure. His worst nightmare was quickly coming true. Joseph was trying to figure out who his father was, who *he* really was. Now that Joseph had heard him talk without the accent, his lover would demand answers. The seeds of doubt, distrust and betrayal had been sowed in his lover's mind and they would make Joseph turn away from him.

"I also heard Andy's name," Joseph admitted. Suddenly, he felt shy, even a bit embarrassed. He didn't know if he'd reached the right conclusion, but it would explain Remy's reaction when Astra had told them that he was a clone. "Was Andy a clone?"

Remy sighed, realizing that there was no way in Hell that Joseph would let him keep his secrets. Feeling cornered and helpless he realized that Joseph deserved the whole truth. He should have told Joseph when they'd gotten together. //After Josep' dumps me I'll pack my t'ings and leave Westchester; the country, maybe even de continent.// The X-Men would loathe his sight once they knew whose son he was. "I don' wanna lose y', cher," Remy whimpered, trying to postpone the inevitable. "Je t'aime, Josep'."

"You won't lose me," Joseph assured Remy, but his lover's body tensed up against his anyway. Apparently Remy had already decided that he was going to be dumped and kicked out. //Why do you have such little faith in me?// he wondered privately. Remy's eyes avoided his and Joseph reassuringly squeezed Remy's shoulder. "I won't judge you, Remy. Please tell me why you're hurting. It's driving you deeper in to depression and I refuse to lose you over this."

Too scared to believe that Joseph really meant it, Remy laughed bitterly. "Y'll judge me and run 'way as fast as y' can! I won' blame y' for dumpin' me. I deserve it."

"I won't dump you," Joseph stated. "And Remy, it hurts that you think I'll dump you. I love you! Remy, trust me," Joseph said pleadingly. In the end Remy had to decide to trust him or not.

Upset, Remy whispered, "My real name is Remy Nathan Essex." A terrible pain cut his heart in two, knowing that he would lose Joseph's love over this. No one could love a traitor. "De man y' saw at de lake is Nathaniel Essex, my father." Now that he'd said it, he steeled himself for Joseph's anger, which he felt he truly deserved.

Joseph saw the fear in Remy's eyes, but didn't know why his lover expected him to be upset. "Essex? Why does that name sound familiar?" Joseph mused out loud. So Remy had been talking to his father? Puzzled, he recalled the things Remy had said when he'd suffered from that last nightmare, which had featured his father and Andy. Remy had almost suffered a panic attack that night and now his father was here at the mansion? How had the man gotten passed the security cameras? Scott had upgraded the mansion's security system this very morning and it should have kept Remy's father out!

"Name sounds familiar 'cause..." Remy swallowed hard. Mentally, he tried to prepare himself for Joseph's rejection. His lover would dump him once Joseph knew the truth. It hurt that he was going to lose the love of his life and he fought back his tears. Essex had ruined his life and now Joseph would leave him because of his father's identity. Remy forced himself to finish his sentence. "Sounds familiar 'cause y' know him as Sinister."

Joseph stared at Remy in disbelief. He must have misheard, was drawing the wrong conclusions... Remy couldn't have said what he'd thought he'd said.

"What are you trying to tell me, Remy?" Joseph shook Remy's shoulders slightly, trying to drive away the blank expression in the red-on-black eyes.

Remy hated to spell it out like this. "Sinister is my father!" he hissed and pulled away from Joseph before his lover could jerk away from him. Remy settled down on the other end of the couch and stared at his hands. His palms still itched. "He's my father! Only found out de trut' after he brought me back. Apocalypse took 'way my father's feelings at his own request, but 'cause of my empat'y his feelings are back." Exhausted, he waited for Joseph to tell him to leave the boathouse. Any moment now Joseph's rage would come to a boil and his lover would tell him to get the hell out and leave him alone.

Joseph swallowed hard at that unexpected revelation. "Sinister is your father?" He rose from the couch and paced the living area, trying to organize his thoughts. "Why didn't you tell me?" Too many thoughts and feelings circled inside his head and only moments later he realized that some of them weren't his, but Remy's. He felt Remy's fear, his lover's uncertainty and guilt. The negative emotions were unsettling and Joseph realized that Remy blamed himself for things out of his control. "Remy?"

Remy's lowered eyes were fixed on the floor. "I didn' tell y' 'cause I can' accept dat Essex is my father. When I found out dat Essex and Sinister were one and de same person, I... dere were so many t'ings goin' on in my life dat I had to hold on to y'r love. I didn' want to ruin everyt'in' by tellin' y' 'bout my father." Taking Joseph's silence as a sign to leave, Remy got to his feet and walked towards the doorway. Regret and guilt filled his soul and he wished that Joseph had never overheard his conversation with his father.

"Where do you think you're going?" Joseph quickly covered the distance between them and stood in front of Remy, his back against the door, blocking his lover's way. The pain that Remy radiated was overwhelming.

"I'll leave. Gonna pack my t'ings and... don' know yet where I'm headin', mebbe Europe," Remy said resigned, never meeting Joseph's eyes. He's hoped that his ex-lover would let him go peacefully.

Joseph sighed deeply, seeing the slumped shoulders and defeated expression on Remy's face. "You think I'm dumping you?"

"Oui, y' are, cher." Remy cringed, speaking those words. "I never wanted anyone to find out. I begged Essex to leave me 'lone, mais now dat he's got his feelings back he wants to make t'ings up to me..." Again, his father had ruined his life and Remy wasn't sure he had any strength left to pick up the pieces and move on.

Joseph knew that Remy was still holding back, hiding things that were hurting him and he stated, "There's more. You said that his powers were starting to show. You also mentioned that you almost read my thoughts last night." Joseph saw the tremors that rocked Remy's exhausted body and after wrapping his arms around his lover, he steered Remy back towards the couch. After sitting Remy down, he claimed his lover's hands. "You said that your palms itched." //Remy, why do you think that you have to deal with this on your own?//

Confused, Remy peeked at Joseph's eyes. Why hadn't the other man kicked him out yet? Why was Joseph holding his hands? "Oui, cher, dere's more." He desperately tried to find a way to tell Joseph about his fears. "Cher, I don' even know how to refer to him... Sinister, Essex, father..." Feeling at a loss, he closed his eyes. From now on, every time that he looked into a mirror he'd be reminded of the fact that he was Remy Nathan Essex... He'd always disliked his alien eyes, but now he hated them!

"What are you most comfortable with?" Joseph saw how hard this was on Remy and felt immensely thankful that his lover was finally letting go of the pain, fear and guilt that had been eating at him for the last 6 weeks. "Essex or father?" For some reason he immediately ruled out the name Sinister.

"Essex, I guess." Hesitantly, Remy locked eyes with Joseph. "Y' gotta understand, when I was livin' wit' him he never morphed in to Sinister. To me, he was just a very busy physician. Oui, Essex kinda neglected me, mais..." Too emotional to continue he gazed into Joseph's eyes, trying to read the truth in them. He could use his empathic powers to find out what Joseph was feeling, but he refused to invade the other man's privacy like that. "During de first 5 years of my life he acted like my father. I loved him... wanted him to be proud of me."

"How did you end up on the streets?" Joseph cupped Remy's chin in the palm of his hand and raised his lover's face. Resignation and defeat stared back at him.

"When I was 4 Essex decided to move to N'Awlins. He took me wit' him. He was so busy wit' gettin' everyt'in' organized dat he kinda forgot 'bout me and I managed to run 'way. I lived on de streets until mère Cosette found me."

Joseph released a deep sigh. "I'm sorry to push you like this, but what did you mean when you said that his powers were showing?" he repeated his earlier question. They had to address this; he had to know what was going on with his lover.

"Sinister's a telepat'... a shape shifter and he can release blasts from his hands..." Remy rubbed the palm of his hand. "Since a few days my hands are itchin'...I might no longer need my cards to release my kinetic charge."

"You must be scared," Joseph whispered. Remy's eyes grew big and Joseph realized that his lover had expected to be dumped after telling him the truth. "I'm not dumping you, Remy. You can't pick your parents and Essex... Sinister played mind games with you. I'm sorry that your father mistreated you like that." Maintaining eye contact, Joseph knew that his lover would feel his sincerity and he concentrated on his love for Remy.

Remy wiped away the tears that had begun to flow at hearing Joseph's comforting words. "I'm still tryin' to deal wit' de fact dat he's my father, Josep'... I'm sorry dat I didn' tell y' when we got together, mais I was scared... I wanted to take dis secret in to my grave. I feel so ashamed..." His eyes carried an empty expression as he stared at their twined fingers. "Why are y' still here?"

"Because I'm in love with you, sexy." Joseph fought his own tears. "Please don't cry." He couldn't bear seeing Remy in such pain.

"I don' understand, Josep'," Remy tried again. "Why are y' still here now dat y' know who I really am? How can y' look at me or touch me, knowin' dat I lied to y'? Knowin' dat I'm Essex's son?" Inwardly torn, he didn't know what to do or how to act. Joseph had to decide where they would go from here.

Joseph drew in a deep breath and hoped that Remy was really listening when he said, "Remy, I love you unconditionally. The fact that Essex is your father doesn't change my feelings for you. It's just one more thing that we have to deal with." Suddenly, Joseph remembered something that had puzzled him at the time. "Is that why you suggested I ask Sinister for help?"

"Oui, cher," Remy replied softly. "For some reason Essex wants to make t'ings up to me and he might be able to help y'."

"And you think he's sincere?" Joseph soothingly rubbed the skin of Remy's hand. Remy was maintaining this emotional distance between them and he couldn't blame him. Remy was going through an incrediblely difficult time.

Remy laughed bitterly. "I'm an empat', cher. I know he's sincere."

Joseph carefully considered his next words. "Do you trust him?"

"Non! Never!" Remy stated in an agitated tone. Remy pulled free from Joseph's hands and began pacing. "Can' trust him, won' ever trust him 'gain. He got de Morlocks killed... he killed Andy... never trust him. Can' trust him!"

Pleased, Joseph noted that Remy now blamed the right person for the Morlocks' Massacre. Quickly, Joseph hurried over to his lover. "Remy, I didn't mean to upset you. Come on, let's sit down again." He folded his arms around Remy, forcing him to stop pacing and then they returned to the couch. Once they were seated again, Joseph caught Remy's eyes and said, "We can't let him come between us, Remy. I love you. I want to be with you no matter what. You know I'm sincere because you can read my feelings. I won't ever dump you and we'll deal with Essex together. You don't have to do this alone, sexy."

Remy slumped against him and sobbed softly. Pulling up his legs, he rested his head on his knees. "Can' believe y' still want me."

Joseph held him close and stroked Remy's back. "Shst, of course I still want you. You won't get rid of me that easily, Remy..."

"What do we do now?" Remy sobbed. He tried to pull himself together again, but lacked the mental strength.

"We'll go on with our lives, Remy." Joseph cocked his head to catch Remy's glance. Slowly, his fingers brushed his lover's lips and he sucked in his breath when Remy began to nibble on his fingertips. In Remy's eyes Joseph saw what his lover needed from him. Joseph understood; Remy needed to know that they were still lovers and Joseph decided to prove to Remy that everything was fine between them. "We should go upstairs. We'll be more comfortable in bed." He could give his lover what he needed.

Remy's heart missed a beat. Did Joseph know what he needed, wanted, craved so badly? Afraid to hope, he whispered, "Take me, cher, please make me y'rs."

Joseph briefly wavered; he'd never made love to a man before, what if he did everything wrong and ended up disappointing his lover? "Are you sure about this? I've never done this before."

"I'm sure," Remy assured him and jumped to his feet. "Gimme one moment, cher!" The prospect of finally making love with Joseph instantly chased away his dark and gloomy thoughts. Remy wiped away his last tears, growing aroused now that Joseph was considering making love to him, which was all he'd ever wanted. Maybe Joseph still loved, still wanted him... Joseph's emotions where pure and spoke of nothing but love for him.

Joseph watched Remy dash upstairs. One minute later he got up from the couch and centered himself. He hadn't thought they'd take this step so soon, but Remy needed him and Joseph knew it was the right thing to do.

"Y' can come upstairs, cher!" Remy quickly removed his clothes and naked, he crept onto the bed on all fours. He rearranged the pillow beneath his hips, rested his weight on his arms and waited for his lover to join him. His cock rubbed against the pillow and a sigh escaped his lips. Only a few more minutes and then his lover would claim him. Shivers racked his body as he tried to imagine what it would be like to feel Joseph deep inside him.

Joseph's breath caught as he entered the bedroom. Remy was on all fours, ass sticking high in the air and squirming on the bed. The sight instantly aroused him and he was erect within seconds. "Oh, sexy..." he whispered, admiringly.

"Fuck me, cher, please..." Remy whispered as he cocked his head. "Need y' inside me..." He rubbed his cock against the pillow and spread his legs invitingly. "Get behind me..."

"Not like this," Joseph stated determinedly. Seeing Remy's startled expression he sat down and gently pushed his lover onto his back. Remy's big eyes stared back at him. "I don't want this to be a quick fuck, Remy. I want to make love to you." Remy's watering eyes urged him to lean in closer and he kissed his lover's lips passionately. "Move over," he instructed and lay down beside his lover. "Undress me," he ordered. As long as he lived he would never forget the way Remy had looked when he'd entered the bedroom. His lover's need had been so palpable that he'd almost abandoned his idea to make love and to fuck Remy instead like his lover wanted him to. But thankfully, he'd managed to regain control over his lust.

Remy nodded his head. "Oui, y'r wearin' way too many clot'es..." Remy straddled his lover's hips and unbuttoned Joseph's shirt, which he flung onto the floor a moment later. "Beau, cher..." he whispered absentmindedly and leaned forward to explore Joseph's chest with his tongue. Its tip moved down from the collarbone until it met one erect nipple, which he suckled gently.

Joseph moaned and his fingers found a way into Remy's hair. "Feels great," he encouraged Remy.

Remy smiled warmly and bathed the other hard nub in saliva as well. Then he pinched it, rolling the hard flesh between his fingers. Beneath him, Joseph bucked hard. "Want to make love to y', want to pleasure y'," Remy whispered and unzipped his lover's jeans. Slowly, using his teeth, he pulled the fabric down his lover's legs and then attacked the briefs Joseph was wearing. Finally, Joseph lay naked beneath him and Remy licked his lips, seeing the impressive erection.

"Remy," Joseph opened his eyes and tried to breathe steadily, which was becoming increasingly difficult as Remy's dextrous tongue now traveled up the length of his cock, nibbling and licking him. "You're going to make me come, sexy..."

"Want y' to come, cher... dat way y'll last longer when y're inside me..." Remy moved down until he could easily capture Joseph's cock in his mouth. "Beau," he whispered again, as his tongue probed at the slit. Carefully he eased the foreskin back and closed his lips around his lover's cock, sucking hard.

"Oh Remy," Joseph softly moaned his lover's name and rested his hand on Remy's head, urging him to take in more.

Remy released Joseph's cock to lick his lover's heavy balls. Lazily, he stroked Joseph's cock and ran his tongue up and down the perineum. Remy felt Joseph tense up; his lover was about to come and he focused all his attention on Joseph's cock. Joseph began to thrust and Remy relaxed his throat, allowing his lover to fuck his mouth.

"Remy!" Joseph screamed, as the pressure inside his body demanded a way out and he gently massaged his lover's throat as Remy swallowed every drop he had to offer. "Swallow," he encouraged, seeing Remy struggle for breath.

After devouring every drop of his lover's come, Remy grinned smugly. "Cher," he purred, licking his lover's sated sex clean. "Am goin' to get y' ready for round two in a sec." He'd locked out Joseph's orgasm, not wanting to come yet and his cock was begging for some attention.

Joseph brought his arms up behind Remy's back and pulled his lover on top of him until Remy's body completely covered his. "I love you."

Remy smiled warmly. "Do y' wanna taste y'rself?"

"Oh yes." Joseph leaned in closer, pressed his lips against Remy's and nudged his lover's lips and teeth apart.

Remy moaned helplessly as Joseph rolled him onto his back. Wantonly, he spread his legs and Joseph settled down between them. "Take me, cher? Please?" Under his expert ministrations Joseph's cock was growing hard again. It also helped that he was pouring some of his lust and desire into his lover's mind.

Joseph nodded his head. "But you'll have to guide me and I want to see your face."

"Mais I like it best when I'm on all fours," Remy sulked and then grinned. "Mebbe later?"

The comment broke the tension that had begun to build and Joseph chuckled. His cock pressed against his lover's entrance, but he still hesitated. "Tell me what to do."

Remy took hold of the body lotion which he'd retrieved from the bathroom earlier. "Normally, we would use lube, mais as we don' have it handy, dis will do." Remy coated the fingers of Joseph's right hand with the lotion. "One finger first, like y' did before."

Joseph nodded once and kneeled between Remy's legs. He watched closely as Remy pushed the pillow back beneath his hips, spreading his legs further. Joseph glanced at his lover's enflamed cock. "Don't you want me to pump you...?"

"Not yet, cher. One finger," Remy insisted and his hands buried themselves in the sheets in nervous anticipation.

Joseph first massaged the outer ring, like he'd done once before and then slowly pushed inside. Remy's yelp almost made him stop. "Remy? Am I doing something wrong?"

"Cher, continue! Deeper!" Remy whispered and arched his back. "Two fingers!" He'd craved making love with Joseph for so long and now that it was finally happening he feared he might come from the sensation of feeling just one finger inside him. //Mon Dieu, I won' last long!//

Joseph drew in a deep breath and added another digit. This time he met with more resistance. "Am I hurting you?" he asked concerned, realizing that Remy was holding his breath.

"Non, cher, feels bien," Remy groaned and tried to push back to take in more of Joseph's fingers. "Move dem about, cher... y've got to stretch me." Remy yelped softly as Joseph began to stretch his tight passage. "Thrust," Remy begged. "Fuck me wit' y'r fingers."

Joseph licked his lips. His insecurity was fading now that Remy was responding this passionately. He absolutely loved the fact that his lover never held back and always expressed his desires. His hard-on throbbed and Joseph was getting impatient. "Now what?"

"T'ree fingers," Remy crooned softly and closed his eyes. When Joseph returned with three, it hurt.

"Remy?" Joseph caught the change in his lover's breathing and sensed some of Remy's pain, as it seeped into his mind. His fingers halted in their movement, refusing to inflict any more pain.

"Y're big, cher," Remy reminded Joseph. "Y' need to stretch me!" He wantonly pushed back and one fingertip brushed his prostate. "'gain! Cher, de sweet spot, 'gain!"

Joseph repeated the motion and Remy squirmed beneath him. Unable to hold back any longer, he grabbed the lotion and rubbed a generous amount on his cock. "Now?" he asked, hoping that Remy would say yes. He had to bury himself inside Remy's tight passage and wasn't sure he could restrain himself much longer.

"Now, oui, cher!" Remy moaned as Joseph's fingers stopped the internal massage. He wanted to roll onto his stomach, but Joseph stopped him. "Mais, cher..."

"No, I need to see your face so I can tell when you're in pain!" Joseph took hold of Remy's ankles and rested his lover's legs on his shoulders. "Will this work?" He was holding himself back, but the need to claim Remy was quickly becoming unbearable.

"Oui," Remy whispered, breathlessly. He shifted slightly and stared into Joseph's eyes. "Now, cher."

Joseph growled softly and curled his fingers around his cock, which he placed against Remy's entrance. "Sexy, I can't promise you that I'll last... I'll try to be gentle," he added honestly. As Remy's lust exploded in his mind, it drove him over the edge!

"Want it hard," Remy assured him. He clawed the sheets when Joseph's cock pushed passed the guardian muscle. "Oui, cher... deeper, push, want y', fuck me..."

Joseph heard Remy's rambling, but didn't comment. He was too busy trying not to accidentally plunge too deeply into his lover's body. "Don't want to hurt you," he explained.

"Cher, I want it hard! Like it dat way!" Remy assured him and released the sheets to grab Joseph's ass. Determinedly, he used his hold to push Joseph deeper inside. Red fog clouded his vision as he took in another inch of Joseph's cock. "All de way, to de hilt," Remy demanded. Red, hot pain cut through his lower body. "Oui, y'r big, cher... open me up, want to feel y' inside me."

Unable to hold back any longer, Joseph pushed inside until his balls slapped against Remy's buttocks. "All the way," he confirmed and gasped for breath. He was afraid to move. Remy was so damn tight that he might come from being surrounded by that hot passage alone. Looking down at his lover, Joseph found that Remy had bit his lower lip and it was now bleeding. Leaning forward, he licked his lover's lip clean and then ravished Remy's mouth, possessively exploring every inch of it. Amused, he listened to Remy's continued babbling. The comforting tone encouraged him, took away his insecurities. It had an entrancing quality.

"Y'rs, all y'rs." Remy whispered after Joseph had released his lips. "Please fuck me, cher!" Pleadingly, Remy looked at Joseph. "Hard, fuck me hard, cher..."

Joseph groaned and eased back out, only to thrust deeper again.

"Oui, dat's it... oui! Remy arched against him, lifting his hips to change the angle of his lover's thrust. The next stroke brushed his prostate and he shivered deliriously. "Qui, fuck me, cher, claim me, make me y'rs... shoot your come deep into my ass, make me feel y'!" He rambled on, knowing that Joseph needed to hear the reassurance. "Want it dis way, please, cher, harder..."

Remy's need overruled Joseph's desire to be careful and his thrusts became deep and viscous. He wrapped his fingers around Remy's semi erect cock and began to pump it roughly. Driving himself deeper into the willing body, he eased out and then pushed in again. The ecstasy that surged through him was Remy's and he vowed to give his lover everything that he wanted. Remy had told him his heart's desire and the soft pleading still echoed in Joseph's ears. Yes, he would grant Remy his wish. Pulling out completely, he grabbed Remy's waist and rolled him onto his stomach. Remy's pleasure washed through him, telling him that he was doing everything right.

"On your hands and knees, sexy, just like you want it," he whispered passionately and watched entranced as Remy presented himself to him, raising himself on all fours. "I don't deserve you," he whispered awed as he kneaded Remy's buttocks.

"Please, back inside... now!" Remy's hand stole to his aching cock and he pumped himself roughly. "Cher, fuck me, please, take me, inside me..." Remy continued to ramble. At this point he didn't even know what he was saying.

Joseph spread the delicious mounds of flesh and buried himself to the hilt inside his lover's body. Grabbing Remy's hips, he established a fast rhythm. Remy's need to find release had become his and he tried to brush his lover's prostate with every thrust. When Remy finally came, Joseph feared he would pass out. Suddenly, his lover's muscle clenched him, and the spasms massaged his cock. "Remy!" Joseph screamed his lover's name as he found release.

Remy collapsed onto his stomach, opened his shields and their orgasm mingled. Joseph's weight settled down onto him and he moaned softly, as his lover's semi hard cock brushed his prostate again. Speechless, they remained like that, unable to move. They both needed to feel this connection, needed to know that they were one.

Minutes later, Joseph grew aware of the fact that he was pressing Remy into the mattress and making it hard for his lover to breathe properly. "Can I pull out?" he whispered into Remy's ear. He wished that they could stay like this forever.

"Slowly," Remy cautioned him and clenched his teeth. A sharp pain shot through his lower body and he stifled a groan by pressing his face deeper into the pillow. "Mon Dieu, best fuck I've had!" he panted fatigued.

Joseph sat back and his eyes scanned his lover's body. //I didn't leave any marks,// he mused pleased, but his contentment disappeared when he saw that a few drops of blood clung to his limp cock. "Remy!" he exclaimed upset.

Remy, who was still lying on his stomach, wanted to turn around, but Joseph stopped him. Fingertips pressed against his entrance and he smiled. "Cher... I need time to recover... ain' up to anyt'in' yet."

"Remy," Joseph whispered, upset. "You're bleeding." Joseph's mood turned dark. He wasn't any better than Steve!

Remy cocked his head so he could look at Joseph. "Cher, dat happens sometimes. Don' worry 'bout it" Seeing the dark expression in Joseph's eyes, he pushed away the hand that restrained him and turned around. Kneeling beside Joseph, Remy said, "An homme's body ain' made to be taken like dat... sometimes y'll draw a lil' blood. Dat's normal, cher."

"Are you sore?" Joseph asked crestfallen. Suddenly, he was caught in Remy's arms and he rested his head against his lover's chest. "Don't know what happened. I never wanted to hurt you. Somehow I lost control."

"Cher, y're a great lover. Made me feel y', made me come hard." He kissed the top of Joseph's head. "Y' never had anal sex before, cher?"

Joseph chuckled unexpectedly. "I never considered having sex in that way. Rogue never hinted she would like to have anal sex with me, so we never discussed it." Joseph paused and hesitated to continue. "I told you that I sometimes couldn't perform?"

Remy whispered, "Oui, y' did." This time their roles were reversed and Remy held his lover tightly.

"Well, sometimes I wasn't in the mood to have sex... there were so many things I wanted to discuss with her. I felt confused. My instincts kept telling me that there had to be more to a relationship than sex."

Remy teased, "Y' certainly didn' have any problems performin' dis time, cher..." His right hand stroked his lover's back and he relished feeling the skin beneath his fingertips. "Y're a great lover and I like it when y' get a little rough wit' me, turns me on, y' know."

Joseph looked up and smiled. "Let me guess... you've already made plans for the next time that we make love?" He allowed Remy to pull him to his feet and together they walked to the bathroom. //Yes, cleaning up is a good idea.// Remy's laugh was warm and genuine. "What plans?" he asked, as Remy pushed him into the shower cabin and turned on the water.

Remy's smug grin sparkled. "When we get back to my room I want y' to look beneat' my bed. Y'll find a red box..."

Joseph raised an eyebrow. "What's so special about that box?" He sighed blissfully as Remy worked up a lather and then began to clean his chest. "I can do that myself," he said, half-heartedly. Remy's hands felt great against his skin.

"Toy box," Remy whispered wickedly as he sank onto his knees to wash the rest of Joseph's body.

"Toy box?" Joseph replied, puzzled. "What are you talking about... ohhhh," Suddenly Remy was running the sponge over his cock, cleaning him thoroughly.

"I'll show y'," Remy whispered as he moved behind Joseph to run his soap slick hands over Joseph's ass. "And oui, I've got ideas to make our next time special."

Joseph's hands found Remy's head and he gently pulled his lover back to his feet. "My turn," he decided and began to clean Remy up. "I never planned on taking this step so soon," he said somewhat apologetically as he encountered the dried blood between Remy's legs. "I'm not sure I can get used to hurting you, making you bleed."

Remy sighed. "Cher." He locked eyes with Joseph. "*Let* *it* *go*," he said, stressing each word. "Why are y' dis upset?"

"Steve made you bleed too," Joseph said softly and averted his eyes.

"Oh, cher!" Remy pulled Joseph close and hugged him tightly. "Don' compare de two of y'." Realizing that words wouldn't do the trick, he sent Joseph his feelings.

Joseph's eyes grew big, experiencing Remy's fulfillment and happiness.

"Don' feel guilty, cher, please... our love makin' was bien..." Remy's eyes met Joseph's and suddenly he sensed the change in his lover's feelings; there was acceptance and joy, and just a hint of concern.

"What if I make you bleed again the next time we have sex?" Joseph asked worried, fingering Remy's wet hair.

Remy shrugged his shoulders. "It will remind me dat we made love and dat y' possessed me like I want y' to possess me."

Joseph released a strangled sigh. He was beginning to realize that he was overreacting. "I'll be more careful next time," he promised and felt Remy's grin before seeing it.

"Next time, cher, I want y' to fuck me t'rough de floor!"

Joseph chuckled. "Sexy, what am I going to do with you?"

"I've got some ideas," Remy replied, naughtily. "Just wait until I show y' my little collection of toys!"

"Toys?" Was Remy referring to that box beneath his bed?

"Oui," Remy whispered and suckled Joseph's left nipple. //Can' wait for y' to tell me what y' wanna use on me... mebbe de buttplug? Anal beads or... de restraints...//

Remy trembled against him and Joseph turned off the water. "What are you laughing about?"

"Oh, y'll find out, cher... I promise!"

 

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