Alf is probably the ultimate symbol of 80’s culture.  Sure, there are others examples of curiosities that sprung up during the decade and now serve to irreparably define it (Cyndi Lauper, Gary Coleman, Max Headroom, Ollie North, Yakov Smirnoff, “Saturday Night Live” being funny), but few just feel as, well, “right” as Alf.  Maybe it’s just that it’s comforting that an entire decade can be summed up in one syllable.

    While the 1986 TV series “Alf” was successful for a time, and spawned a fair share of merchandising efforts and a Saturday morning cartoon, the series was canceled in 1990, an no “AfterAlf” ever materialized.  Alf devotees would have to wait until 1996 for another dose of wackiness from everyone’s favorite cat-eating Melmacian, when NBC graced TV screens nationwide with the long-awaited Project: Alf.  So many questions could finally be answered, including “What happened to Alf?”  “What happened to the Tanners?” “Will Alf ever get back home?”  and the all-important “Did Max Wright, the guy who played Willie, really get caught smoking crack while making a gay porn film?”

    Some of these questions and more got answered in Project: Alf, and here’s the quick version.  The Tanner family, we learn from a military briefing run by replacement Hermann Munster John Schuck, has been relocated via the Witness Protection Program to Rekjavik, Iceland.  Alf is imprisoned in a military compound and the center for the ATF, or “Alien Task Force.”  A group watches video tapes of Alf being tested by various doctors (including Ed Begley Jr., Charles Robinson and Beverly Archer) who end up dying or going insane from Alf’s constant mind games and attacks on such timely subjects as Trekkies, the Fox Newtork and Carl Sagan’s hair.

    Two nice scientists, Mulligan (William O’Leary) and Hill (Friday the 13th Part VIII’s Jensen Daggett) face off against evil Captain Milfoil (Martin Sheen) and his toady (Radioland Murders' Scott Michael Campbell).  The good guys want Alf saved (“They’re aliens because we alienate them!”) but Milfoil has other plans ("Alf is a menace to society and ought to be incinerated.”).  The nice folks kidnap Alf from his prison cell where he’s perfectly happy playing poker and selling bootleg tapes to the MPs.

    The trio go on the road in search of Dexter Myers, a former NASA test pilot who was exiled due to some sort of scandal.  Now, Myers is supposed to be a good guy, but he’s played by Miguel Ferrer, so we know he’s PURE EEEEEVIL.  As is revealed.

    On the way, Alf raps, visits a strip club, steals Ray Walston’s car and makes witty Alfisms (“I’m the same color Lucy was... toward the end.”).  The two helping him engage in awkward romantic dialogue that could cause your brain to melt.  Martin Sheen yells a lot.  Walston drinks.  Ferrer scowls.  There’s a cute sarcastic robot.

    In short, this is exactly what you’d expect out of an Alf TV-movie, albeit one shorn of the Tanners.  I hate to say this, but I laughed.  A couple of times.  Maybe it was just memories of Jerry Stahl.  But, c’mon, when Mulligan tells Alf to stay hidden instead of standing up in his seat in a ’59 Cadillac convertible, and Alf counters with, “If I do that, I can’t eat the bugs,” it’s just, well, kind of funny.

    I’m sorry, I realize I’m losing integrity fast.  Needless to say, any scenes without Alf are pretty bad, and when they attempt to hold to their threadbare plot, the result is just plain dumb.  Alf fans, however, should seek this out.  You sick, sick people.

    Project: Alf is directed by Dick Lowry, one of the most prolific TV-movie makers in the biz, so it’s got at least some technical competence.  He’s helmed such dumb tele-classics as the Helen Hunt-starring Angel Dusted, Y2K: The Movie, Archie: Return to Riverdale, In the Line of Duty: Ambush at Waco, The Gambler, The Jayne Mansfield Story (with Arnold Schwarzenegger) and this year’s Atilla.  I was amazed at hoe many of his movies I’d seen without knowing who he was.  This man needs a retrospective.

    (Interestingly, Alf maintains a huge cult-like following in Germany.  There are dozens of German sites devoted to the little snide talking puppet.  What the hell is wrong with German people?)

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