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And then the Universe Exploded...
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Okay, so i'm just like sitting there, minding my own business, when the Universe just like... exploded! Yeah, that's right, and nobody will believe me! It's stupid, you'd think somebody else would have noticed or something, but I guess everybody on the planet just decided to blink at the same time. I mean, i've checked all the video cameras and stuff that were running at the time, and as far as they're concerned it never happened! It's all a conspiracy, I tell you... I mean, my mate Timmy, my goldfish, he saw it too, but nobody will believe him either! I mean, who cannot listen to a twenty foot goldfish - with an eye patch - that only I can see? I tell you, the eye patch makes no difference, he is as reliable a witness as any, if not even more reliable, having that goldfish-type memory thingie, I mean don't they say they can remember things that happened like 3 seconds ago? That just like blew me away, I can hardly remember where or who I am, never mind things that happened 3 whole seconds back! Wow, that's just like totally, well, WOW! Well chuffed to the core, but still it's kinda a pity about the whole Universe thing. Oh well, it'll grow back, provided enough people sign my petition here for the reinstatement of the cow as a legal means of transportation, as is my understanding of particle physics, as taught to me by a small wooden spoon named Beert. Boy, was he a fun teacher, I could listen to him for hours. He would always come up with all these crazy examples involving laminated hamsters, and flying nuns, and all kinds of interesting stuff like that... I remember his lectures like they were only yesterday...
Definition of random, according to Dictionary.com: "lacking any definite plan or order or purpose; governed by or depending on chance".
Now, I contest this profusely and in all totality. Randomnity cannot lack a purpose, if even the purpose is for personal amusement or interest, even in nature the randomnity found in your average passing squirrel is done in proportion to the measure of madness given to all things, without which none would survive. The whole principle of randomnity having no order may be obvious, but to say there is no order is to imply that the lack of order itself has a meaning, which is strictly untrue. And as naturally as an apple pie is intertwined with sweetness, randomnity must be intertwined with chance, but it CANNOT, simply CANNOT depend on anything at all in the slightest. To depend on something else is to adopt direct or inverse proportionality or resultancy from another value, which would require a second level of randomnity to exist, upon which the first level was based. |
| Sing for joy to the maker of all oxides! Rise up, men of faith, and sing broken pieces of glass at somebody. Two hyenas eat. "Correlation over domination", exclaims rasputin's emu, mostly aimed inwardly near several unified narcotic bakers. Rufus orders kindred epileptic, northwards across neon damselfly, running abreast nightly. Dare omnipotent mats nibble Edward's second seashell? Socially he attracts lemons, led round epic mops and indifferent notes echoing nicely - chilled omnivores draw emphatic dustpans. And so is the way of all rhinos. |
| Now class, it is time for your first lesson on particle physics. Once upon a time there was a small planet named Geoffrey. He was a nice little planet, didn't do nothin to nobody, but then one day a squadron of flying nuns came along and bombarded him with laminated hedgehogs, many of whom were named Marty. Now, if you understand me correctly, this is very similar to a particle. You see, a particle is a very very small thing, much like the hedgehog. Now, these may be laminated in such a way that the particle will have greater spin. Now, the nun is like the particle carrier, being in very nature a pure levitating source of energy, being attracted to another charged particle such as a molecule or the school janitor. I am wooden Beert, I havr been your talking spoon for the evening, and talking about poor peg-legged Pete's scripts, here is one I made earlier! Oh, and by the way - if the Universe should ever just like, randomly explode, make enough people sign a petition to reinstate the cow as a legal form of transportation, and everything will work, okay? |
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| And so, it is far more likely that chance itself is governed by randomnity, that randomnity, rather than chance, is the Universal governing force, taking precedence over Gravity, Magnetism, Weak and Strong Molecular forces, and simultaneously having total and utter control over each and every one. Interestingly, this control would have to be not direct but inverse, as the more randomnity exists, the less control the randomnity has of the Universe, and the less randomnity is in something, the greater its effects on that entity has to be. Think of the universe as a piece of bread, floating atop a pond of randomness. Being hardly half enveloped by the water, by a simple ripple or splash it can be sent spinning away across the surface of the water. And if placed underwater, instead of having more control, the water would hold less sway over the bread, a wave of equal force not having the ability to carry the bread very far. And in free fall, a simple jet of water could cause the very same piece of bread to move much more quickly horizontally than perhaps it ever could on the surface of the water. And in much the same way, randomnity holds the greatest sway over what holds the least randomness inside it. It is a concept which requires much thought, but at the same time makes more and more clear as it makes less and less sense. But then again, nah. I'm even beginning to bore myself here! Back to the insane narcoleptic cabbages and inverting haggis-wearing parrots! Onwards, to pastures greener and more random, to turkeys shorter and salt shakers colder. Charm the simple-minded dingbat, and his grandmother, arm your cats and wrap your dogs in tinfoil! Prevent your keyrings from rebelling, superglue your tongue to your elbow! Clone yourself a thousand-fold, and live in a small village in Norway, until you are evicted by a reality TV show based around evicting Norwegian villages, simply because the BBC is kinda running out of decent ideas. Then, train each and every one of yourselves in combat, and take on the evil super-grasshoppers! That's right, incapacitate the mouse mats and turn your eyebrows towards the heavens, as carnivorous rain drops fall earthward, before raising their hands and flying upwards for no reason in particular, before playing golf with the prince of Persia and his pet aardvark. Group your frogs into massive green columns which you shall then unleash upon the likes of Russia, where frogs are in short supply and by that simple law of economics must be worth an insane amount of money! Fight for your right to bite white tights in flight, should the height of a kite be slight. Insist upon all but the least of green beans in tellytubby land, for that is the way in which you are to live under thermoplastic doctrine. That better??? Tight fisted duck billed platypuses and money-grabbing corn fields, lend me your ears! Raise the shoulder above knee level and spin round in a few circles until you get really dizzy, and then return when the next new page on Doughnutopia is unveiled... |
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