BETHLEHEM, Monday: The second coming has ended prematurely after Jesus Christ
became the latest casualty of fighting in the Middle East.
Jesus was killed after he returned to his birthplace of
Bethlehem during an onslaught by the Israeli army. It is
believed he was preparing to hand out retribution to sinners
and end the world.
Eyewitnesses claim that Jesus was killed by Israeli tank
fire while seeking shelter in a local Church.
An Israeli spokesperson described the killing as "easier than
the first time".
Jesus' father, God, and close relative, the Holy Spirit, have
both expressed grief at the death. "I told him that Bethlehem
was too dangerous nowadays," said God. "But do you think he
would listen to his father? I'm never wrong about things like
this, or anything in fact."
Leaders of Christian nations all over the world have called
for an end to the fighting as a result of the death. "I don't
mind a few hundred Palestinians dying, but killing a Christian,
let alone Christianity's founder, is taking it too far," said
U.S. President George W. Bush.
There are reports that Jesus may have risen from the dead three
days after being shot. Unfortunately he was killed again by a
suicide bomber while enjoying a coffee at an outdoor cafe in
Jerusalem.
CHURCH HUMOR
Here are some old and new Freudian Church Bulletins
* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.
* The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The
sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They
need all the help they can get.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone
who doesn't care much about you.
* Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person(s) you want remembered.
* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a
healthy lunch.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.
* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B.S. is done.
* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
H O L Y C A U S T
Pedophile Priests
Each is a thorn in the brow of the cursed nazarene - each another stroke of the hellhammer upon a nail - each a strike of the whip upon his back - and a final spearing to seal his destiny.
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41
Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He turns to the other Priest and says, "I believe you're
supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis."
The other one replies, "Hey, speak for yourself. It's
working just fine--I'm down to two butts a day!"
McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of
Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest.
"Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out
your life?"
"Father," asked McCuen, "what causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey,
gambling and carousing around with loose women. How
long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"
A catholic priest was summoned to the Vatican for a three
week meeting. Unfortunately, the only substitute available
was a young priest with no experience whatsoever.
"I feel up to the challenge Father", he said, "but I am
not sure about how to run the confessional. What form of
penance do I prescribe for the various sins I will be
confronted with?"
The experienced priest left him a list coordinating sins
and penance, and reassuring the young man, he left for Rome.
The young priest's first confessional was soon upon him,
and he was quite nervous as he stepped into his booth
clutching the list his predecessor left him.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have had impure
thoughts about a woman I work with." came the first voice.
Nervously the young priest checked his list: impure thoughts
--see also Adulterous thoughts, Disrespective thoughts,
Murderous thoughts.
He then referred to adulterous thoughts and found that four
Hail Marys were appropriate. Relieved, he prescribed the
penance and waited.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned," said the next person,
"I took $50.00 from my employers desk!"
The young priest looked to his list again, and immediately found:
Stealing--< $10.00 - 10 hail Marys; < $100.00 - 20 hail Marys;
< $1000.00 - 50 hail Marys; $1000.00 - 80 hail Marys and five
rosary prayers.
After assigning the appropriate penance, the young priest
calmed down and felt confident in his list to provide him
with the appropriate answer. He waited a while until his
next confessor arrived.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.", said the next person,
"I was sodomized by another man!"
The young priest again consulted his list. To his dismay, anal
sex was not listed. He checked rectal intercourse - nothing.
Homosexual experience also showed nothing. He couldn't even
find it under butt-fuck, ass-fuck, bottom, arse, everything
he looked for was somehow absent from his list.
Finally, he grabbed a choir boy, who just happened to be
walking by. He asked quite hurriedly, as he knew the confessor
was waiting.
"What does the priest give for a butt-fuck?"
"Oh, sometimes a Mars bar, sometimes a Snickers!"
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the
job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints
the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but
eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the
work and with a flourish hands him $5. The boy looks at the
money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,
you're a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next
day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a
really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without
collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time gives
the lad another $5 bill. Once again the lad looks at the
money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a
virgin".
At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says,
"that's
twice you called me a virgin. Do you have any
idea what the word means?".
"Yes," says the brat, "a tight cunt"
Father O'Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing
confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his
sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions,
then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional
for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest,
and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries
this.
The old priest next suggests, "Try saying things like,
'I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel
about that?'" The new priest says those things.
The old priest finishes his observation, saying, "Now,
don't you think that's a little better than slapping your
knee and saying 'No shit? What happened next?'."
POLICE MUST NOTIFY RESIDENTS WHEN CATHOLIC CHURCH MOVES INTO NEIGHBORHOOD
Controversial "Egan's Law" Expected to Gain Widespread Support
{from the good folks at SatireWire.com}
Trenton, NJ - Under a new law designed to protect minors,
local
police departments will now be required to inform residents
any
time a known Roman Catholic church moves into their
neighborhood.
The law also mandates that Catholic churches register with
authorities, wear electronic monitoring devices, and be pro-
hibited from moving to within a half-mile radius of a school.
A follow-up to Megan's Law, enacted by New Jersey in 1994, the
so-called "Egan's Law" is named for Cardinal Edward Egan of
New
York and Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston, who are both accused
of covering up sexual abuse by priests under their authority.
Like Megan's Law, Egan's Law is expected to spread quickly to
other states, but for parents in towns across New Jersey, it's
on the books none too soon.
"Last year, we discovered that a Catholic Church had been in
our neighborhood for 30 years! And nobody told us!" said Ruth
Harper of Redbrook, NJ. "My sons used to walk by that church
every day on their way to school. Even now I shudder to think
of what might have happened."
"I always told my kids to steer clear of that place," added
neighbor Scott Carlyle. "But that's because there were a lot
of strange people going in and out at odd hours, even at mid-
night on Saturdays. I was worried it was some kind of druggie
hangout.
"To think the whole time it was a Roman Catholic Church. Now I
know why they had all those stained glass windows--so nobody
could look in."
Critics, however, charge that Egan's Law is unconstitutional,
specifically because it relies on religious profiling and is
intended to safeguard only one segment of the population:
young
males. But State Sen. Carmela Truto, a Catholic who
co-sponsored
the bill, used church doctrine itself to prove only one
segment
needs protection.
"In the Catholic Church, after 2,000 years, Mary is still a
Virgin," she said. "So clearly, they're not interested in
girls."
That statement, however, angered Vatican spokesman Edgar
Palowski,
who said it propagated a common misconception about the
church.
"This doesn't get reported enough," he said, "but it's a fact
that
our priests abuse just as many girls as boys."
"Oh. Oh dear..." he added.
Quote of the day...
"Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers."
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between
services when he was approached by the minister. The minister
asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and
listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the
bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on
but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance,
so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be
right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected
the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.
"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given
into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation.
Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desper-
ation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and
asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral
sex?"
In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
MEMORANDUM
TO: Jesus, Son of Joseph, Woodcrafters shop, Nazareth
FROM: Jordan Management Consultants, Jerusalem
SUBJECT: Staff Aptitude Test.
DATE: March 29, 30 A.D.
Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you
picked for management positions in your new organization.
All of them have now taken our battery of tests, and we
have not only run the results through our computer but
also have arranged personal interviews for each of them
with our psychologist and vocational consultant.
It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are
lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude
for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do
not have the team concept. We would recommend that you
continue your search for persons of experience in manager-
ial ability and proven capability.
Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of
temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership.
The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee,
place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas
demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to
undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell
you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater
Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of
Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely have radical leanings,
and they both registered a high score on the manic de-
pressive scale.
One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He
is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well,
has a keen business mind and has contact in high places.
He is highly motivated, ambitious and innovative. We
recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right
hand man. All other profiles are self-explanatory.
We wish you every success in your new venture.
Sincerely,
Jordan Management Consultants
Jesus walks into a hotel, slams 3 stakes down on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
Q: Do you know why Jesus doesn't eat Skittles?
A: They fall through the holes in his hands!
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting?
A: Only takes one nail to hang the painting.
One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the
local forest. He had been walking by the small stream
when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a
toadstool.
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this
fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the
local church. I too was walking through this forest when
I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let
me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a
cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned
me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there
no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast
upon you?"
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind
person would pick me up, take me home, give me food and
warmth, and with a good night's sleep, I would wake up
an 11 year old Choir boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up
the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots
of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the
frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he
saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,
"And that, your honor, is the case for the Defense!"
A Rabbi, a Protestant minister and a Catholic Priest were
taking a party of kids on a cruise. Suddenly the ship hit
a rock and began to sink.
The Rabbi cried out: "Quick! The kids!"
"Fuck the kids!" said the minister, heading out.
"Do you think we have time?" said the priest.
A priest is in his church on Saturday afternoon hearing
confessions. A man walks in, kneels down and says, "Father,
it has been two weeks since my last confession - these are
my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."
"That is your sin?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father."
The man leaves, and another enters the confessional and
kneels. "Father, it has been one month since my last
confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie
Green every week for the last month." The priest thinks to
himself that this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with
his male parishioners.
"Those are your sins?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."
The man left. Soon, another entered and knelt. "Father, it
has been six months since my last confession, and these are
my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for
the last six months."
This time the priest has to ask, "Who is this Nookie Green?"
"Just a woman I know, Father," came the reply. "Very well,"
said the priest, "you are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail
Marys."
The next morning the priest was giving the sermon in front
of his congregation. The doors flew open in the back of the
church and in walked a tall, gorgeous red-headed woman with
a green sequined dress, green sequined heels and a green hat
with a long green feather. She walked straight up the aisle
and sat down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.
The priest just stared.
He finally caught himself and leaned over to ask the alter
boy. "Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?" The alter boy had a
long, hard look and said, "No, Father. I think it's just the
reflection off her shoes."
Q: What is the difference between acne and a priest?
A: The acne comes on your face after you're 13!
Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men
in town and complete shits, both of them. They swindled
the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage,
and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was
just for starters.
Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the
priest. "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld
in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother,
and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley
was truly a saint."
"I won't do such a thing. T'would be a lie!"
"I know you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the
parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll
foreclose."
The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those
words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?"
"Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note.
Next morning at the funeral, the priest begins the eulogy:
"Seamus O'Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, penurious,
lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human
being. But compared to his brother, Mike, Seamus O'Malley
was truly a saint!"
Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred
miles of English railroad!"
"All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance,
do the stations!"
A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last
day of his trip, he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to
reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the
size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" the
priest said.
"No, Father," replied the guide, "that's what kind of fish
it is. It's a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch!" chimed the
priest.
Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster. "Father,
that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen" said the
guide.
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch," replied the priest.
"What should I do with it?" asked the priest. "Why eat it,
of course," answered the guide. "You've never tasted any-
thing as good as that Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unload-
ing his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about
his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
the priest said.
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary. "Father!"
"It's OK Sister," said the priest, "that's what kind of
fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh well, then, what are you going to do with that big Son
of a Bitch?" asked Sister Mary.
"Why, eat it of course," answered the priest. "The guide
said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."
The Sister informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled
to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of
a Bitch for dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said. As she was
cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing, Sister Mary?" asked the Friar.
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the
Pope's dinner," replied Sister Mary.
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your
language!" asked the Friar.
"No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish--really!"
claimed Sister Mary.
"Oh, well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal and that
Son of a Bitch can be the main course!" replied the Friar.
"Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a
Bitch."
On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect.
The Friar had prepared an excellent meal, there was wine,
and the fish was excellent.
The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister.
The Pope sat silent in disbelief.
And the Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch,
using a special recipe!"
The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile creeped
across his face, and he said, "You fuckers are alright!"
St. Brendan was supervising the monks who were saving civil-
ization by copying the world's manuscripts in their little
beehive huts. He noted, however, that many were being copied
from copies rather than the original texts. So, he went and
investigated some of these tomes.
Suddenly, there arose a great cry of agony from the saint.
One of the monks ran over and asked what the trouble was.
St. Brendan, shaking with sorrow, replied, "The word is
celebrate...it's celebrate!"
Pat O'Leary left for Philadelphia where he found a job on a
building site. When payday rolled around, Pat went out on
the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a
prostitute. The following day Pat decided to go to confession
and tell all. When the priest heard his confession he told
Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty
decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box.
Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was
leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work
there and the money to be made was more than twice what
could be made in Philly. After a little coaxing, Pat decides
to go with Rory.
At the end of his first week on his new job, Pat's wages were
more than double anything he'd made before. Off he goes for
a night on the town. He gets drunk as a lord and spends the
night with a prostitute. Morning remorse sets in and Pat goes
to Mission Dolores for confession. After hearing Pat's con-
fession, the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father's
and drop a dollar in the poor box.
"But, Father, I did the same thing in Philly and had to say
twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the
Rosary and I had to fork over $20."
"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know about
drinkin' and fuckin ' in Philadelphia!"
Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience
with the Mother Superior. "Well, how can I help you little
people?" asked Mother Superior.
The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns
asked, "Oh, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any
midget nuns here at the convent?"
"No," says Mother Superior, "I don't have any midget nuns
here at the convent."
"All right than, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of
any midget nuns in all of Ireland than?"
"No, no," replied Mother Superior, "I don't know of any nuns
who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all."
"Well, than Mother Superior, in all of nundom, in the whole
world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, than, of any
midget nuns?"
"No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of
the world!" replied Mother Superior, "and would you please
tell me what this is all about?"
The asking leprechaun turned sadly to his stupid leprechaun
friend and said "See, its as I told you all along, you've
been dating a penguin!"
Next time that you are at a loss for a good insult, use this handy table to construct a Shakespearean insult. Combine one word from each of the three columns below, and preface it with the word "Thou":
Column 1 | Column 2 | Column 3
| artless | base-court | apple-john |
| bawdy | bat-fowling | baggage |
| beslubbering | beef-witted | barnacle |
| bootless | beetle-headed | bladder |
| churlish | boil-brained | boar-pig |
| cockered | clapper-clawed | bugbear |
| clouted | clay-brained | bum-bailey |
| craven | common-kissing | canker-blossom |
| currish | crook-pated | clack-dish |
| dankish | dismal-dreaming| clotpole |
| dissembling | dizzy-eyed | coxcomb |
| droning | doghearted | codpiece |
| errant | dread-bolted | death-token |
| fawning | earth-vexing | dewberry |
| fobbing | elf-skinned | flap-dragon |
| froward | fat-kidneyed | flax-wench |
| frothy | fen-sucked | flirt-gill |
| gleeking | flap-mouthed | foot-licker |
| goatish | fly-bitten | fustilarian |
| gorbellied | folly-fallen | giglet |
| impertinent | fool-born | gudgeon |
| infectious | full-gorged | haggard |
| jarring | guts-griping | harpy |
| loggerheaded | half-faced | hedge-pig |
| lumpish | hasty-witted | horn-beast |
| mammering | hedge-born | hugger-mugger |
| mangled | hell-hated | joithead |
| mewling | idle-headed | lewdster |
| paunchy | ill-breeding | lout |
| pribbling | ill-nurtured | maggot-pie |
| puking | knotty-pated | malt-worm |
| puny | milk-livered | mammet |
| qualling | motley-minded | measle |
| rank | onion-eyed | minnow |
| reeky | plume-plucked | miscreant |
| roguish | pottle-deep | moldwarp |
| ruttish | pox-marked | mumble-news |
| saucy | reeling-ripe | nut-hook |
| spleeny | rough-hewn | pigeon-egg |
| spongy | rude-growing | pignut |
| surly | rump-fed | puttock |
| tottering | shard-borne | pumpion |
| unmuzzled | sheep-biting | ratsbane |
| vain | spur-galled | scut |
| venomed | swag-bellied | skainsmate |
| villainous | tardy-gaited | strumpet |
| warped | tickle-brained | varlet |
| wayward | toad-spotted | vassal |
| weedy | unchin-snouted | whey-face |
| yeasty | weather-bitten | wagtail |
Seen on a tombstone in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.
This one from the grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard,
Pennsylvania, is almost a consumer tip:
Here lies Ellen Shannon who was fatally burned March 21, 1870,
by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was
sin, and he was most certainly 'against' sin.
A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes
to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center
aisle, close to the front and sat down.
It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his
audience to this voluptuous sex-object.
He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good
book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in
this building on evil thoughts. But I am a man of God! You
don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, you fallen woman,
Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!"
Two priests get together every week to play chess. One
week Father Sal is two hours late. When he arrived, Father
O'Connor asked, "Why are you late Father?"
Father Sal replied, "During the week my bicycle was stolen
from my porch by a member of my own congregation." Father
O'Connor thought for a moment and then suggested, "At your
next service why don't you give a sermon on the Ten Command-
ments and the damnation awaiting those who break God's Law.
When you get to the part of, 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', look at
the congregation, the person who looks most ashamed is the
one who stole your bike."
Father Sal liked this idea and the next week he was on time
to his chess game and said to Father O'Connor, "Your idea
worked better than I thought, they were so guilty they con-
fessed in the middle of my sermon."
Well, a couple weeks later Father O'Connor was four hours
late to their weekly game and it turned out that someone
had stole his bicycle. Father Sal immediately suggested,
"Why don't you give your congregation that sermon on the
Ten Commandments, it worked better than we thought for me."
Father O'Connor too was on time for the chess game the next
week. When he was asked by Father Sal how it worked, Father
O'Connor looked a little embarrassed and replied, "Well, when
I got to the part of the Ten Commandments about, 'Thou Shalt
Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left it."
Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the back streets
of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "I've never
come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover
comes over, her nine-year-old son hides in the closet and
watches them.
One day the woman hears a car pull into the driveway and
tells her lover to hide in the closet, as she fears he
will not be able to sneak out fast enough. Inside the
closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't
it? "Yes it is," the man replies nervously, realizing
that they've been observed in a very compromising situation.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No
thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy
a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK,
how much?" the man replies after considering the position
he's in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously,
but complies to keep the kid quiet. The following week,
the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a
car in the driveway and, again, asks him to hide in the
closet. "Dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man, whispering. "Wanna buy a
baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK, how much?"
the hiding lover asks, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is
completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says,
"Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some
catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much
did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five
dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you
to the church right now. You must confess your sins and
ask for forgiveness!" the father explains as he hauls the
child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional,
draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "Boy, it's dark in
here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in HERE now," the priest says.
Q: Do you know what the letters on the cross INRI stand for?
A: I'm Nailed Right In!
This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me
for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman
for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent
section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and
there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had
long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a
sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she
asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I
lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will
get
your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, Father? What do you think my reward might be?"
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be
appropriate,
you jackass."
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the
collection
plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with
curiosity, approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a
week in the collection plate," he remarked.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and
what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son must be very successful; what does he do for a
living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."
Betty and Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve
of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates,
St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be
married in Heaven.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and
I will be right back."
Six months passed and finally St. Peter returned. "Yes, we
can do this for you."
"Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for
your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out
is there a possibility that we could be divorced?'
To which St. Peter answered, "It took me six months to
find a priest up here--how long do you think it will take
me to find a lawyer?" A man was walking through the desert had
not eaten for days.
He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and
prayed, "Good God give me some food!"
As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed
he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request,
and everyday he was rewarded until one day a hand dropped at
his feet.
Puzzled he looked up... There was a leper painting the
ceiling.
Three men died and stood in front of God.
God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a midsize car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?"
"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"
Drunk And a Priest
Submitted by Paul Hill
A drunk sat next to a priest on a bus. The priest couldn't believe how smelly and dirty this guy was. The drunk took out a newspaper and began reading it, when he turned to the priest and asked, "Hey there, Padre. Hic! Can you tell me what
causes arthritis?"
The outraged priest answered, "Sir, it's caused by loose living, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Oh, man!" the drunk muttered.
The priest then apologized and said. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be that way. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"
"Oh I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
The new priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
9. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
10. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
3 Doors of Hell...
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break`s over, back on your heads!"
A man walked into a church, stepped into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them... twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never, Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."
Pope's Choice
The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.
Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.
After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions."
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause... The pope replied,
"First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex.
"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.
"And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."
After another long pause a voice arose and asked,
"And the fourth condition?" The pope smiled and replied, "Big tits."
Truckers at the Pearly Gates
Three truck drivers die and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St.Peter asks the first truck driver, "Did you ever break the law?"
The truck driver responds, "Sure."
St. Peter then asks him, "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?"
The driver responds, "All the time."
Then St. Peter asks him, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The truck driver heartily responded, "Every chance I got."
St. Peter then told the first truck driver to select door number 3 of the three available doors.
Then St. Peter asks the second truck driver, "Did you ever break the law?"
The truck driver responds, "Sometimes."
"Did you ever exceed the speed limit?"
"Every now and then."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
"A couple of times."
St. Peter told truck driver number 2 to also enter door number 3.
St. Peter now asks truck driver number 3 the same questions. "Did you ever break the law?"
The truck driver says, "No."
He then asks, "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?"
Again the driver responds, "No".
St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The truck driver thought a couple of seconds and said, "Well, once. You see, I was in this bar in Nebraska. I noticed they only had one woman in it for all of the men. I asked the bartender why this was and he said, 'Well, she's all we need. She can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.' so that's when I cheated on my wife."
St. Peter then told the truck driver to enter door number 1.
The truck driver, in amazement, asks, "What?? You sent the others to door number 3??"
St. Peter calmly replies, "Yes, they're going to hell. But we're off to Nebraska!"
A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little
nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went
blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary
school for when a situation like this arose -- repeat your
last point. Often this will help you remember what should
come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank.
So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.
He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he
tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage,
right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
~ The Baptist Preacher ~
There was a Preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The Preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's pay.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd and said... "HAVING CHILDREN IS AN ACT OF GOD!"
In the back of the room, a little old man stood up!!!
~ Falling Asleep At Church ~
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your butt!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant
for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing.
Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the
opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear
your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the
conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the
dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to
wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel
nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she
asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear
your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your
navel."
The man protested, "What does all this have to do with
my problem with the IRS?"
To which the Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you
are going to get screwed!"
What Religion Is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
A local preacher called on one of his parishioners one Friday night. He heard a loud party as he approached the house, and when he knocked on the door, the owner answered, naked as the day he was born. Behind him, the preacher saw a group of naked men standing in a line, with other men, blindfolded, moving down the line with arms outstretched. It appeared as though the blindfolded men were fondling each other's genitals, trying to guess who they were touching. The preacher, seeing this, said: "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'd fit in at this kind of party." "Nonsense!" the man replied. "Your name's been called three times already!"
Man's carnal nature will out...
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was
hopping with music and dancing and the lights were always
turning on and off. Each time after the lights would go out
the place would erupt into cheers. When the revelers saw the
pastor the room went dead silent. He walked up to the
bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked
woman in there, and she's covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way."
So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of
the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was
hopping with music and dancing again. He went to the bartender
and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the
place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became
absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is
hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us." said the bartender. "Would you
like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is
lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place.
Now, how about a drink?"
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only
know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for
a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your
problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught
to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to
my house, and we'll put them in the cage with my Francis and
Jobe. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no
time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution.
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with
them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in
unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Finally, one of the male parrots
looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the
fucking beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Two clergy persons are on an airplane, a Catholic priest
and a Mormon bishop.
After a while, the priest turns to the bishop and asks,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not
to drink coffee?"
The Mormon bishop responds, "Yes that is still one of our
beliefs." The Catholic priest then asks, "Have you ever
had a cup of coffee"?
"Yes," says the Mormon bishop, "I have to admit on one
occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tried a cup of
coffee."
The Catholic priest nods in understanding and goes on with
his reading.
A while later, the Mormon bishop speaks up and asks, "Father,
is it still a requirement of your church that you remain
celibate?"
The Catholic priest replies, "Yes, that is still one of our
vows."
The Mormon bishop then asks, "Father, have you ever fallen
to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Catholic priest replied, "Yes, Bishop, on one occasion,
I was weak and broke my vow."
The Mormon bishop nodded understandingly for a moment. A few
minutes later he smiled, looked at the Catholic priest and
then said, "A lot better than coffee, isn't it?"
Two kids about 12 or 13 go to confession. The first one goes
into the confessional and admits having sex with a girl.
The priest asks, "It wasn't Carmen Angelozi, was it"?
The first kid says, "No father, it wasn't".
The priest then inquires, "It wasn't Angela Fettuccini,
was it"?
The first kid replies again, "No father, it wasn't".
The priest finally asks, "It wasn't Maria Carmella, was it"?
The first kid replies, "No father, it wasn't".
"Well, for your penance say 50 Hail Mary's and leave half
your allowance in the offering for 2 weeks," states the
priest.
When the first kid leaves the confessional, his friend asks
him how it went. "Not bad," he answers, "I got 3 new leads
for this weekend."
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's penis. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel where the Mother Superior was waiting to perform the ceremony to marry them to God.
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, 4 Chassidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"
One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's side."
Man Falls Asleep At Church... Mark as unread
{submitted by Paul Hill}
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
An extremist muslim was killed in a car bombing. He arrives at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter says, "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven."
The Muslim says, "Nice to meet you Peter, but I'm a Muslim and I want to meet
Muhammad."
St. Peter says, "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you and you will meet
Muhammad."
The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses. Moses says "Hi,
I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven."
The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, its such an honor to meet you. But like I told St.
Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad."
Moses says, "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet
Muhammad."
The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, he can't see anything but bright
light. He sees this figure before him and asks, "Who are you?"
The figure responds - "I am God. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven." God walks
over and shakes his hand.
The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak. He says to God "Sir, it is such an honor
to meet You - I can't believe it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no
disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad."
God says "Ohhh... You're here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem. Have a seat.
Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?"
The Muslim says, "I would love a cup of coffee."
God yells into the kitchen, "Hey Muhammad, 2 coffees!!!"
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big
smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show
them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is
taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of
heart failure while on a roller coaster. Hence the enormous
smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won
a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." "Nothing unusual
here", thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. To which
the coroner replies, "He thought he was having his picture
taken."
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric
girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into
Joy."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday
at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large
double door at the side entrance.
Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come
early.
The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread
and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the
altar.
Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become
little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a
friendship that began in their school days.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in
Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the
church basement Friday.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The
cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and
guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon
when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a
blanket and come prepared to sin.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
A group of nuns are going to a bake out, but their bus hits a telephone poll & they are immolated.
While up in heaven, they all stand in a line at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says- "Sister Ann, have you ever touched a penis?"
Sister Ann just giggles & says that once she touched one with the tip of her finger. So St. Peter says "Ok, dip your finger in this holy water & you may pass through.
Then sister Elizebeth walks up, & St. Peter asks her the same thing. She hesitates, but then says "Well, once I stroked one" so St. Peter says, "Ok, dip your hand in this holy water, & you may pass through"
And then, all of a sudden, a nun from the back of the line starts pushing & shoving her way up to the front. Finnally she gets to the front & St. Peter says "Sister, Sister, what seems to be the problem?" & the Nun says "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Sister June sticks her ass in it!
{Thanks to Fenris Wolf for this one.}
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"
WWJD?
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?".
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth
because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the
Garden of Eden in a Fury".
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo.
The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your
Tempest and terrify them with your Storm".
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers
are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds
a long blast".
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to
talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel
where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own
Accord..."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced
by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph
is heard in the hills".
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler:
"Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land". And,
following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda...
"The Apostles were in one Accord".
The origin of the xmas tree angel......
"Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and
NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the
cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting
paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.
The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were
dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the
sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had
crashed it into a tree."
"Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to
deliver millions of presents all over the world in
just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the
elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas
tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to
find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I
going to do?"
"Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and
stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas
tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to
stick the tree this year?"
"And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas
trees came to pass........"
Blind whitelighter
There was a big flood coming and everyone in a small
town was evacuated except a priest. He refused to pack
up and leave with the rescue team. "God will help me,"
he insisted.
The flood rose and water began to fill the first floor
of the church. The priest retreated upstairs. A rescue
boat came. Again, the priest refused to climb into the
boat. "God will help me," he said.
The second floor eventually filled with water so the
priest climbed onto the roof. A helicopter came and
the men inside pleaded with the priest for him to
climb in. Again, he refused, saying "God will help
me."
Eventually, the flood drowned the priest. In heaven,
he asked God "God, I had complete faith in you. Why
didn't you save me?"
God replied "You idiot! Didn't I send a rescue team, a
boat and a helicopter?"
{Thank you to an anonymous source for the previous two anecdotes ~ DB.}
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary
surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man
regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy
waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just
fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to
know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are
you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," the patient replied. "But
she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They
are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile. "Then send the bill to my
brother-in-law."
WHY?
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it
become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of
a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests
it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when
you can't drink and
drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes
instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking
is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical
situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
why does it have locks
on the door?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter
fights crime, what does a
freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they
get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn
your headlights on,
what
happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a
drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it
is called shipment, but
when you transport something by ship it's called
Cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an
airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call it airport
"terminal"?
If a bi-sexual were to turn up missing.....
Would they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half?
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps,
you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created
the Heavens and the Earth..."
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1...repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 & 6.
If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what
you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
inside your head will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please
be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your
head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the
brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David,
he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer
and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and
see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as
the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration,
no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs.
Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending
down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began
to glow. Then a finger of flame came from the skies and without
her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger
etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the
number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once
again, Paul lost.
The winning number was 707.
A little boy, caught in mischief, was asked by his mother, "How do you
expect to get into heaven?"
He thought a minute, and then said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and
keep slamming the door til they say, for goodness sake, come in, or
stay out, then I'll go in."
Thinkers Anonymous
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now
and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and
soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it
wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was
thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that
thinking
and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and
Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it
exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned
off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that
night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me
in. He said, " I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the
job, you'll have to find another job."
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I
confessed, I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.
"You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't
make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.
I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out
the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I
roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they
didn't open.
The library was closed. As I sank to the ground clawing at the
unfeeling
glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably
recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous
poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a
TA meeting.
At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was
"Porky's."
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last
meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life
just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
Hope you enjoyed this. I just thought... well, never mind.
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he
asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest
hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to
step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and
rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The
old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,'
'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old
priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'"
Two kids playing in a lane found a donkey who had died with
a hard on. Being the mischievous kind of boys, they cut off
the donkey's dick and began brandishing it in the air. Just then
a police officer on his bicycle came up the lane, and the boys
not wanting to be caught with it tossed it over the wall of the
Nunnery.
Sister Agnes and Sister Mary taking their afternoon stroll
found the dick in the bushes. "Oh sweet Jesus," says Sister
Agnes.
"What's wrong?" asks Sister Mary. "You've gone as white
as a sheet."
"It's those dirty protestant bastards," Sister Agnes replies.
"They have murdered Father O'Toole!"
There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike.The other priest asked where his bike was. The other priest said,
"I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"
The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the ten
commandments, and when you get to "Thou Shall Not Steal" someone will
confess to the crime."
The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back.
"I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?," the one
priest
said.
The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and
I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I
had left it."
The 21 Rules Of Anti-Social Engagement!
1. Fuck them, before they fuck you!
2. Don't be honest about yourself or problems you are having, because you'll lose
respect.
3. Don't go out of your way to say "hi" to snobby fucking neighbors or strangers because it will give them the opportunity to look down on ya.
4. Be a snob. You'll get more respect.
5. Don't reveal too much of yourself, because they'll use what they learned and use it against you.
6. Don't talk about your past experiences, because they'll dig more shit to throw in your face later on.
7. Don't expect others to reciprocate your kindness. They'll just shit on you, and you'll inadvertently give them an edge over you.
8. Don't put any heartfelt meaning on a handshake, because in reality it means nothing.
9. Don't lend money to others unless you don't expect it back.
10. If your friend's wife or girlfriend says she wants you to fuck her, then fuck her. If you don't, then she'll find a way to save her face and destroy your friendship any way.
11. Don't go out of your way to open doors or move cars for strangers or even some fuckers you know, because they won't do the same for you.
12. If you come across someone who is more beautiful or more handsome than yourself, then just go on home and imagine that he/she is suffocating on their own shit.
13. If you come upon others richer than yourself, then fucking rob them when you have the chance.
14. If you come upon others poorer than dirt, kill your conscience and walk the other way.
15. When you're sick, don't expect sympathy from others, because they don't give a fuck except to avoid you and your sickness at all cost.
16. If you happen to walk into an area where there is a celebrity, a famous sports star or even the US president; and where there is a stupid pathetic bunch of overeating fans, just turn your back on them and walk away. Celebrities and sport fags are just overpaid entertainers that are not worth your shitty time and attention.
17. If you're confronted by some big punk ass muscle freak who wants to kick your fucking ass in front of nice looking cunts, then just walk away, go home or someplace else to get a gun, knife, baseball bat, or any weapon of personnel destruction and go back and decommission his pathetic life.
18. If you need to fart or burp, then do so without having to say, "excuse me." Fuck'em all! Treat them to a good fart or two.
19. Don't try to be nice and yield the right of way to another driver, because the fucker probably won't ever do it for you.
20. When somebody starts complaining about your culture, life style, habits, idiosyncrasies, race, sex, religion or lifestyle, just tell them to go fuck themselves because their shit stinks, too!
21. When they say, "You are one negative motherfucker, aren't you?" Just say, "Yup!"
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the
Devil.
Devil: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun
down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays,
that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, Tequila, Guinness,
wine coolers, Diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we
throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the
finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs
out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead,
remember?
Guy: Wow.. that's awesome!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go
bankrupt ..well, you're dead anyhow.
Devil: What about Drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean..
Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to
a great bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of
a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead,
who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No.
Devil: Ooooh.. You're gonna hate Fridays around here!
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, I have to talk to you, I
have a problem. I know we have affirmative action and we
are supposed to have 20,000 black folks in heaven but they
are causing so many problems.
They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them,
they stole my horn, got barbecue sauce all over their robes.
Hamhock, spareribs, and pigfeet bones all over the streets
of gold. Some are walking around with only one wing.
Angels must have two wings to fly. Those robes are eternal
and must be washed 3 times a day. Some have not washed their
robes since they arrived. Some have refused to take their
turn keeping the stairway to Heaven clean.
Watermelon and Sunflower seeds are all over the clouds. Some
refuse to wear their halos, saying that they don't fit right
over their Braids, Waves, Dreds, Up-Do's, Pin Curls, French
Roles, Afro's, Dreds and yes even some still with curls.
The Lord said, it's not fair not to let black folks in heaven.
They have just as much right here as white folks. Surely the
devil has the same issue, let's call him see how's he's dealing
down there.
The Devil answered the phone and said, "Hell-low, Whuz up
Lord, what can I do for you?'
The Lord said, "We have a problem up here and we would like
to talk to you about it. The devil interrupted and said, "Wait
a minute, I've got to put you on hold."
The Devil was gone 5 minutes, he came back to the phone and
says, "OK Lord I'm back, whuz up? The Lord replies, "Well,
I would like to talk to you about a couple problems we have
up here..." Once again the Devil excused himself. This
time he was gone 15 minutes.
Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and says, "Lord I
am sorry, but I got to go - I have a MAJOR crisis at hand!
These black folks down here done put my fire out, and nigger
-rigged them some air conditioning!
Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation is kneeling!!
A pastor was talking to a group of high school students about delinquent behavior and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" cried out a voice in the front row.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Dead!" cried out a voice from the back of the room.
A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program: "What
was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?"
"Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th
and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very
concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out
in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no
pulse and there was no noticeable breathing."
"What was so unusual and demanding about this particular
call?" the interviewer asked.
"Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys before
we found the one who was dead."
TV's BARNEY IS THE ANTICHRIST?
Proof that Barney, the cute purple dinosaur, is Satan can be ascertained with a little numerical study of his name and description.
Given: Barney is a cute purple dinosaur.
- Step 1: Extract the Roman numerals from the given. {Remember since the Romans had no letter 'U', we must replace each instance of 'U' with a "V"}.
Initial conversion: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR.
Numercial extraction: CV V L DI V.
- Step 2: Add them: 100 + 5 + 5 + 50 + 500 + 1 + 5 = 666.
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I
thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
... A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted
husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin
and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So
he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was
still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know
what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her
husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance
floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little
kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he
whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the
cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make
for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete,
Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all
evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on
the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red
horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some
music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that
reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the
Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard
and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the
Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert,
the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the
symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the
9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd
asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some old Halloween
activities, for example:
Witch burning -- Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will
be on you like stink on ----. What 30 centuries of white male authors used to
call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired,
wardrobe-challenged wome... uh, womyn.
Window waxing -- These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-, motion-, and
aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights -- if
you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood
rottweiler.
Trick-or-treating -- This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal
RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles,
and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the
street before the candy runs out.
Vampirism
Pros:
Long relationships
Allowed to stay out late
Easy weight loss
Centuries of experience
Immune to all venereal diseases
Always has amazing stamina
Loves neck nibbling
Rarely interested in arguing religion
Never comes home with garlic breath
Don't have to worry about what color of clothes to wear.
Cons:
Spend your time in a hypnotic daze
Parents can be hell
You always feel tired (loss of blood)
Oral sex can be lethal
Always has cold feet (and blood)
Never able to spend the day in bed
Pet names that give you chills
Strange friends
Giggles at funerals
Hard to win an argument
No romantic sunsets
May forget own strength during orgasm
The top 15 complaints of the modern day vampire:
15) Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14) Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13) Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12) Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11) Thanks to all those Marilyn Manson fans, we just aren't taken seriously any
more.
10) After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean,
uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9) After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8) No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7) With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly
off-limits.
6) No warm blood for miles around DC.
5) Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4) Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards
3) Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2) Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
And the number 1 complaint of Modern-day Vampires:
1) No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and asks them
what they'll have.
The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred) "I'll have a glass of O Positive.
The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative."
The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just have a glass of plasma."
The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells, "Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White
Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd
and lascivious behavior, public indecency,and public intoxication at the County
courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to
stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around
here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the
County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a
pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded
to satisfy his alleged "need".
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car
approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached
him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor. "I walked up to
(Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just
went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a
pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the
face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
Hope it's Halloween...
What did the witch say to the midget vampire skeleton?
Bony little bloodsucker, aren't you?...
How did the priest make holy water?
He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it...
What do you call a vampire who cuts himself shaving?
Self destructive.
Why don't vamps like Red Cross?
They can't stand the competition.
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.
Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid they'll fly off the handle.
Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
What do little trees say on Halloween?
Twig or treat!
How to Survive to the End of a Horror Movie
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
- Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke.
- Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
- If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
- If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
- Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know that you're doing.
- If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
- If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
- AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: When trying to escape from a serial killer, never run UPstairs.
Jake, Johnny, and Billy Bob went to the rodeo. Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the
fence into the spectators and they were trampled to death.
Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they were met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll
be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven.
If you break them, you'll be punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step
on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."
That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and were
surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time at all, Jake stepped on
one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it
just went on and on. Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman
in tow. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He chained
the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be together forever," and walked
away.
Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally stepped on a duck. The
duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went
on and on. Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. "I
warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." With that, he chained
the woman to Johnny and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and
walked away.
Well, Billy Bob was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along
with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be
together now and forever more," and walked away.
Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?"
"I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman, "But I stepped on a duck."
The Nine Satanic Valley Girl Statements
1. Like Satan is this totaly kewl gy that like want you to wear Versachi not Klein
2. Like Satan says that Today is not Yesterday so like Tomorrow might not have the sale
3. Like School is kewl as long as your getting A's
4. Like Satan says you should like always, is my hair ok? Like always help like your friends, like are you sure? But ANYWAYS, as if hair spray wasm't enough....
Satan says you should like not be around the loosers. Like AS-IF! Only a Looser would talk to the Looser! Like does he think I was born yesterday? Maybe I should
do like pig tails or something?
5. Like Satan like totally wants you to knock that looser out who like spills stuff on your dress that Daddy hasn't even seen the Visa bill for yet from the party that
you went to, that you snuck out for
6. Like there are psychics that are Vampires, so you should watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer
7. Satan says that like you might be able to get human skin coats like fur cause we are animals too and like would that keep you warm?
8. Like Satan says sex is good, as long as the guy isn't like a total looser and you like are totally in love on your second date, cause it feels good
9. Like Satan brings like money to the Church so that people can like get paid to pretend to hate him
De Nine Satanistic Ting Te Says
1. Satan stan fo doin wha chu wants te do, no habin to nots do de shit!
2. Satan stan fo da real funk, holmes, de real shit, not some whack you come up wit chillin wit a crack pipe!
3. Satan stan fo good sense an not some bullshit you been foolin you own self wit, or talkin one shit while you meanin somtin else!
4. Satan stan fo chillin wit de homeboys whose done you good, not waste yo time wit some punk-ass bitch who don gibba fuck eber way!
5. Satan stan fo gibin de bums rush to de muthafucka who done dis' you, stead a sit roun on yo ass like some punk-ass bitch yo self! Booyah!
6. Satan stan fo giben respect an owin' up what you owes, an cuttin loose on de whack mutha who waste time talkin shit!
7. Satan stan fo the brutha who be just like de mean muthafuckin dogs an shit who fuck yo shit up if you be messin wit dem, but he go round on two legs stead a fo.
He be thinkin an shit, but he just de same as de dog, 'cept maybe a dam sight meana. Respect!
8. Satan stan fo de Nasty, cause dat shit FINE!
A Hippie was riding on the bus, and was sitting beside a Nun. He said
to the
Nun, "I want to make love to you!"
The Nun replied to the Hippie, "I am a Nun, I can not have sex."
Shortly afterwards the Nun got off at her stop.
The Bus Driver calls the Hippie up to the front of the bus and says, "I
know
how you can make love to that Nun..."
The Hippie asks, "How?"
"Well," said the driver, "Every Tuesday at midnight the Nun goes to the
cemetery and prays. If you could pretend you are God and demand sex
from
her."
"Good idea," the Hippie said.
So on the next Tuesday night he goes to the cemetary puts
to wait.
Sure enough the Nun showed up just before midnight, kneeled down and
started praying to God. The Hippie steps out in front of the Nun, and
said,
"I'll answer your prayers Sister, but first you have to make love to
me."
The Nun is shocked to see God in front of her. She said, "OK, but it
must be
anal sex as I have to keep my virginity."
"Fine," said the Hippie.
The Nun then kneels down, pulls up her dress and
the Hippie does his thing.
When he is done he stands up and yells, "HA! HA!
I am the Hippie!"
Whereas the Nun stands up, whips off her clothes and said, "HA! HA!
I am the Bus Driver!"
Other Numbers Of The Beast
- 1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
- 1 (666) - Area code of the Beast
- $665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
- $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
- $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
- Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
- 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
- 666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
- Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
- 665.9997856 - The Number of the Beast on a Pentium.
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of
them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog.
Concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with
that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only
one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will
get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he
exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys
know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten
through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
How do you confuse a Christian? Put him in a round room and tell him to pray in the corner.
How do you make a nun burn their ear? Call them on the telephone while their doing their ironing.
How can you identify a Christian pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes.
A christian was walking along, when he looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load
when it was directly over him. The Christian says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the
face!!!"
A Christian couple are walking along in a park. The man says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The
christian woman stops, looks up in the air, and says, "Where?"
Christian: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
Man: "It's 3:15."
Christian: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that same question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
A christian woman heard the garbage man outside. Running out with curlers in her hair, her face covered with cream, and dressed in an old shabby robe, she asked the driver: Am I too late for the garbage? Driver: No, hop right in.
One day a Christian woman and her husband rented a camel for a long trip through the desert. They thought it would be a
good idea to force the camel to drink some water before they departed for their long journey. They led the camel to a
nearby waterhole and the woman told her husband "You pump it's tail while I hold it's head in the water." So after
a while the man yelled "I don't think it's working, you suck it's arse while I hold it's head." So the Christian woman
sucked the camel's arse and after a few minutes the camel did a big shit in her mouth. She hastily spat the excrement out and
yelled "pull his head up" to her husband, "he's sucking up mud."
Two Christians stood on top of a cliff. One has a budgie on each shoulder. The other has a parrot on one shoulder. The
first jumps off the cliff and half way down both budgies fly off, he hits the deck with crash and is barely alive as he rolls
around groaning on the rocks. The second jumps off the cliff with the parrot on his shoulder and as he gets half way
down the parrot flies off. He reaches inside his jacket pulls out a shot gun and blows the parrot away just before he lands
on the rocks below. This Christian again is barely alive as he lies on the ground in agony. As they both lie there in
immense pain the first Christian to jump says, "I don't think much of this Budgie Jumping." The other replies, "I don't
think much of this Freefall Parrot Shooting either."
"There once was a priest of Gibralter
Who wrote dirty jokes in his psalter.
An inhibited nun
Who had read every one
Made a vow to be laid on his altar."
The Devil's Advocate
Here's something from My personal collections I found in an olde trunk in the attic. It was obviously inspired by 'The Black Flame'. I derived quite a kick out of it, & thought other Satanists would appreciate it as well. Taking urban legends & mocking them. Enjoy!
Mad Magazine / No. 345 / May 1996
1 | 2 | 3 | 4
A Catholic priest, a Protestant Minister, and a Baptist preacher, and several members of the U.S.
men's Gymnastic team are on an airplane flying over the Rocky Mountains. The pilot comes over the
P.A. and announces they have lost the starboard engine, and that the flight will be delayed about a
half hour. About 20 minutes later, the pilot comes over the P.A. and annonces they have lost the
port side engine and that they are going to crash. To top off all the bad news he explains that they
only have 5 parachutes, and that they are taking 2 of them as they jump out of the plane. A
discussion arises about who should get the parachutes. The Protestant Minister speaks up and says
"God has been very good to us and I vote that we give our parachutes to the Gymnasts." The Baptist
preacher stands up and says "F'em." The Catholic priest immediately responded "Do you think
we have the time?"
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on Sunday morning down by the river. He proceeds to
walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old
drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes
preacher, I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then
dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found
Jesus?" "Noooo, I did not Reverrend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My good man, have you
found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher "Are you sure this is where
he f'n fell in?"
One Sunday morning, the minister noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in
the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were
mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning
pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex
asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Then
Alex soberly looked up at the minister and asked "Which service, the 9:00 am or the 11:00 am?"
Why God Never Got Tenure
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It was not published in a refereed journal.
5. Some doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. He may have created the world, but what has He done since?
7. The scientific community can't replicate His results.
8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human
subjects.
9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
10. He rarely came to class and told the students to "just read the book"
11. Some say He had his Son teach the class.
12. He expelled His first two students.
13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountain top.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed the course.
I. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an
amateur.
II. Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims,
and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly
introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-specs work is death and/or
mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity.
III. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of
your
deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in
public.
Flash cards are often helpful.
IV. Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate
the
survival rate of the other people who have undergone the procedure.
V. Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such groups usually
employ
an unpleasant retirement procedure.
VI. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this
strongly enough.
VII. Pastel coloured candles int he shape of cute animals are like direct
sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.
VIII. Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly
creatures.
IX. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged
demons always go for the pompous.
X. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed
this
simple safety tip.
XI. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally
considered "bad form."
XII. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When
the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern
between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the
gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some
B-complex, and a good, hot bath.
XIII. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is not available,
the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously
frozen
chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim
sculpted from Spam is unacceptable.
XIV. Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal, and innocent
(and tend to turn out to be the hero's girlfriend), see if you can
substitute mass murderers, lawyers, viola players, politicians,
nightclub owners, or any other people who won't be missed.
Q. Why was the "virgin mary" still a virgin after the nazarene
was born?
A. Because he came out the other end.
It was time for Father John's Saturday nightbath, and young
nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bathwater and towels just
the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not tolook at Fr. John's
nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the
Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister,"said the young nun
dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come
about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he
asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down
between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to
Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven wouldbe opened to me
and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even moreevenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was
often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart
with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
"God," he prayed again, "I really need a car." Still no
answers to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran to
his parents' bedroom, & grabbed the statuette of the virgin
mary off the mantlepiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers
of toilet paper, using three rolls of tape & a spool of
twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of
his closet.
"Okay, God," he said, getting down on his knees again, "If
you ever want to see your mother again..."
Sister Catherine, bruised & battered, looked up at the sky
& said softly, "Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what
he does."
"That's the father, son, & holy ghost," she replies. And a blinding light flashes,
bells toll, & she is swept into the Pearly Gates.
"Sister Abigail," asks St. Peter gently, "what is the mystery of the virgin birth?"
"That's the immaculate conception," she replied, & she to is swept inside the
fetid gates with much blinding light & the tolling of bells.
Sister Madaleine is left alone, shaking a bit with nervousness. St. Peter
turns to her, & asks, "What, Sister Madaleine, were the first words Eve said
to Adam?"
Sister Madaleine thought it over, beads of sweat starting to form on her brow,
& finally blurted, "Gee, St. Peter, that's a hard one."
Ordering them to strip naked, he tied a little bell to each of their penises,
then left the room. The next time the door opened, it was to admit a lovely young
woman in a g-string, who excited to the tinkling of one of the bells.
"Oh, please, please, give me another chance," pleaded the guilty party. But the
next time the door opened, the girl was completely naked, & the bell rang even
more energetically.
"I'm sorry," explained the monk, "but you are clearly not suited for this life.
I must ask you to leave."
Heartbroken, the young man reached over to pick up his clothes. And the two
other bells went off.
"That's a easy one. That's to celebrate when the pilgims landed. You buy a
turkey & really stuff yourself....."
"I'm sorry," interrupts St. Peter. "You're out."
"No problem," he replies. "To commemorate the birth of jesus. You go out shopping
& get this tree & all these presents....."
"Forget it," says St. Peter, turning in disgust to the third man. "I don't
suppose you know anything about easter?"
"Certainly," he replies. "You see, christ was crucified & he died, & they took
the body down from the cross & wrapped it in a shroud & put it in a cave & rolled
this big stone across the entrance....."
"Wait a minute, wait a minute," interrupts St. Peter, waving for the first two
guys to come over. "We got someone here who knows his stuff."
"...and after three days they roll the stone away," continues the third guy,
"and if he sees his shadow there's going to be six more weeks of Winter....."
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress, and, figuring the fellow
was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter the side of the confessional.
But his "humanitarian" attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally,
he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition, "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
Q. What's black & red & has trouble getting through a revolving door?
A. A nun with a spear through her head.
Q. Why do you wear black?
A. To hide the bloodstains...
Q. Why are you dresed all in black? Are you going to a funeral or something?
A. Wait...
- Wednesday Addams
1. Both are simpletons.
2. Both utter metaphoric morales.
3. At one point, both had sheepish followers, who have no purpose, but for the brainless persuit of a nebulous cause.
4. A running Forrest Gump even LOOKED like jesus at one point in the movie.
5. Both seem to have been at the RIGHT place, at the right time, stumbling upon fame.
6. Both have books written of their phrases, which are used widely, although these days, Gump's are used more frequently.
7. Both take verbal abuse from others. Though Gump ran for his life, jesus stupidly allowed himself to be destroyed. One must ask oneself, which is worse? A coward or a fool? jesus was both.
8. Forrest Gump desired a female. jesus chose to be a virtual eunich.
9. Forrest Gump sired a son. Aren't you glad the nazarene did not? Although xians would consider themselves "sons of god". If that's any indication.........
10. Gump chose & shared his love & friends semi-carefully, as well as expressing hatred for an enemy. jesus indiscriminately spread his love thin, & pretended to care for everyone, until he self-destructed.
11. Gump survived. Despite what xians claim, jesus did not.
2. Congregates on Sundays with others who espouse a foolosophy of self-denial, suicide, & living death. Their leaders tell them this will guarentee them a place in "heaven", a mystical place they invented to lure others from reality, into their delusions, & thus, gain control of their lives & finances.
3. Spends solitary time chanting, what they call "prayer".
4. Applies cheap perfumes & colognes.
5. Speaking in an undecipherable babble.
6. The "laying on of hands" may accompany the afore-mentioned.
7. Develops a new vocabulary, with references to "salvation", & becoming "born-again".
8. Lacking fear of death. The natural instinct for self-preservation is sublimated.
9. Speaks to an imaginary "friend" named "jesus".
10. Pictures, idols, & clippings of various "saints" & "martyres" positioned about their rooms. Those who have gone before them in subservience, abstinance, & illusory mentality.
11. Wears tacky &/or gawdy clothing that is clonish in appearance to others of their kind.
12. Wears the symbol of the "cross", with which they can identify eachother. The symbol of death, an executioner's device.
13. Women may wear ugly wigs & fake acrylic fingernails, accompanied by mass amounts of make-up. {Ususally occurs in later stages of the xian degeneration}.
14. Carries the "Holy Bible", & reads therefrom obsessively, often seeking to recruit others into their cult.
15. Lie excessively, & believe them unequivically.
16. May hear voices. May be that of their imaginary friend "jesus", or various angels or saints.
A burgler sees an empty house, and decides its a great oppotunity. So he breaks in, and makes his
way to the living room. He starts filling his bag, in full view of the householders parrot. He's carrying out
his thieving when the parrot says, " Jesus is going to get you." The burgler ignores this and carries on.
The parrot once again says, "Jesus is going to get you". The burgler's getting a bit nervous so he
decides to see how smart the parrot is so he asks him, "whats your name?" to which the parrot replies
"Moses". The burgler replies " what kind of a dumbass calls a parrot Moses?" to which the parrot
answers "The same dumbass who calls the rotwieler Jesus."
Q. How many xians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. At least five. One to hold the bulb, one to turn the ladder, & the rest to yell "Praise the Lord!"
INRI - Incompetent, Neurotic, Ridiculous, Idiotology.