not just ones from miscarriage or stillbirth
are looking for a more in depth story about my angels.
In order to do that, you need to understand the backround
which lead up to these devestating events.
The blue snowglobe below is in honor of my son
Lynyrd, who I miscarried at 20 weeks.
The pink Snowglobe below is in honor of my daughter
Elizabeth, who I miscarried at 8 weeks.
Having a miscarriage is a very difficult
thing to overcome. Knowing that you could have
children and then lose a child is a devistating
expierience. You feel betrayed by your body.
You feel robbed. You feel as if life is no longer
worth living. I hope that if you are reading
this page that you find some comfort
in knowing that you are not alone in the feelings
of betrayal, worry, fear, hatred etc.
if you have suffered a loss.
I have been through it all it seems, and it seems
that God has somehow given me the
strength to continue on.
Ever since I was a little girl,
I have always felt close to God.
I would pray for his help and guidance on
so many different issues, not to mention for the people
around me that I loved and cared for.
This sense of religion was something I felt
and not something that I was brought up to practice.
God saw me through the most difficult times in my life
some of which included: the loss of some of the
most important people in my life, rape,
domestic violence, as well as the losses of my angels.
Someone once told me
“When God closes one door, he always opens up another.”
I firmly believe that, or else I wouldn't be
where I am today. I was also told
“what doesn't kill us makes us stronger”
Well, in order to gain some of that strength,
I felt I had to learn everything there was to know
about my angels, and why I lost them.
I also felt I needed to know everything I could
about miscarriages and what causes them.
I know that God has a plan for everyone and
I was wondering if maybe part of what was
in God's plan for me was to help others
who expierience a loss of some kind.
I have always been compelled,
for lack of a better word,
to help anyone in need.
LETTER FROM HEAVEN
some things I'd like to say.
But first of all, to let you know,
that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven.
Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness;
Here is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I am with you every morning,
noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my
life on earth was through.
God picked me up and hugged me and
He said,
“I welcome you.”
“It's good to have you back again,
you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family,
They'll be here later on.”
“I need you here badly,
you're part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do,
to help our mortal man.”
God gave me a list of things,
that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list,
was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night
the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you....
in the middle of the night.
When you think of my life on earth,
though not meausured in years.
Because you are only human,
they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry:
it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers,
unless there was some rain.
I wish that I could tell you
all what God has planned.
If I were to tell you,
you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain,
though my life on earth is o'er.
I'm closer to you now,
than I ever was before.
And when it's time for you to go....
from that body to be free.
Remember you're not going.....
you're coming here to me.
(author unknown)
After 2 “textbook” pregnancies, I got pregnant again.
The previous pregnancies resulted in a set of twins
and a singleton. The only “problems” I had with either
pregnancy, were your expected complications from carrying
multiples. I did have a little bit of pre-term labor,
but this was due to dehydration and not
the pregnancies themselves.
I had what seemed to be a “textbook” 3rd pregnancy
going on, only difference between this pregnancy
from my previous ones, was the lack of morning sickness.
For some reason, from that “missing element”
I knew I was carrying a boy. My previous pregnancies
had resulted in 3 girls and I was sick all day long
while I was pregnant for them.
This all changed in the blink of an eye.
I was 20 weeks into the pregnancy. I was so excited.
I decided that it was time to bring my daughters in to
hear the baby's heartbeat with me. In addition to them
I also brought the baby's godfather to be with me
because he had never heard a baby's heartbeat
before and thought it would be an interresting expierience.
I also was able to convince the baby's father
(my now ex-husband) to attend. Other than feeling
really sick, and now expieriencing what I thought
was late term “morning sickness” or should I say
“all day sickness” I was fine.
We get to the doctor's office and all of us
piled into the small examination room.
I hopped up on the table and began showing
my daughters the pictures of the stages of pregnancy that
were on the wall. They had many questions, and were
very excited about what they were about to hear.
They kept pointing out the picture of the mother
and baby in utero who was around 6 months into
the pregnancy. They kept asking if “our baby” looked like
that. I said “pretty much”, and in walked the doctor.
The girls all quickly surrounded me as the doctor
placed the ultrasonic gel on my belly and then
the doppler. It seemed as if at that moment every noise
in the world stopped. Everything was quiet. No one
said a word, and it was so quiet you could
hear a pin drop. They couldn't find the heartbeat.
Tears started rolling down my cheeks, as they kept trying
to locate the baby's heartbeat. The girls started asking
“Where's the baby?” All I could say was
“Be quiet while they try to find it”
After several minutes had passed they finally
gave up. They ordered an immediate emergency ultrasound
be performed to locate the heartbeat. There should have
been no reason why they couldn't locate it easily at
this stage of pregnancy. I told the girls“Maybe next time,
seems the baby's being uncooperative today” but I knew
deep down inside what was going to happen next.
I just didn't want to admit it.
We left the examination room and my ex-husband
took the children and the baby's godfather to be back
to the house. I was left to go through this
ultrasound alone. My ex-husband was convinced that
the baby was fine and just being difficult, or “camera shy”
that day. He really didn't want this child, and
wasn't afraid to let that be known anyway. Not 2 minutes
later the ultrasound tech came into the waiting room
to get me.
Into the ultrasound room I went. Hopped up on yet another
table only to have more ultrasonic gel put on my belly.
For those of you who have expierienced a ultrasound before
you know how gross that gel feels, not to mention it's COLD!!
They began the ultrasound, and within moments they had
my son on the screen. There was no heartbeat. I began to cry.
“Where's my son's heartbeat?” I cried harder.
I wasn't answered.
A few moments later I started crying more hysterically.
Again I asked, “Where's my son's heartbeat?”
Again I was ignored.
About a minute after that the doctor walked into the room.
I sat up when he walked into the room.
He took a look at the monitor and the tech performing
the ultrasound started whispering to him.
I looked at the doctor, by this time I was absolutly
hysterical both with fear as well as tears,
and again I asked “Where's my son's heartbeat?”
The doctor, with a very sad look on his face says
“I'm very sorry. We need to take some measurments.”
I reluctantly layed back down on the table.
I was shaking and crying hysterically.
I was screaming the word “no” but it was as if
my screams went unheard. About 5 minutes later the
doctor told me that my child had been gone for
several days, maybe longer, but that he had
already started disolving into my system,
being absorbed back into my body.
He said he really couldn't be sure of how long
he'd been gone, but he was measuring at 20 weeks,
so either he was bigger than he should have been,
or I was further along than they previously thought.
He then continued to tell me he wasn't sure
what the sex of my child was, and again
how sorry he was.
As if an “I'm Sorry” was going to make everything better
As if an “I'm Sorry” was going to bring that
precious little miracle back that I wanted so much.
He then told me I could sit up, wash myself off
and meet him in his office.
I got up from the table and vaguely remember washing
my belly and getting dressed again and walking
into his office. I remember being escorted by the tech
that had performed the ultrasound. I don't know why
the tech was escorting me, if I had passed out or what.
They sat me down and gave me some water.
They gave me some phone numbers of places to call
for some support and called my house to get my
ex-husband back there to pick me up. I remember getting
on the phone with him and crying
hysterically attempting to tell him the news.
I also remember not being able to really “speak”
and the doctor having to get on the phone
to translate in English what I was attempting to say.
We didn't live far from the office, so within no time
my ex-husband had arrived. One of the nurses pulled
him to the side, while the doctor continued to
speak with me. He said that I would have to go in for
a D&C as soon as possible because the baby wasn't
going to miscarry naturally. He also told me
that I was becoming ill from blood poisoning
because the baby had been gone so long.
He also told me about what would happen if this
wasn't done ASAP in terms of my health.
This meant there had to be a rush
placed on my D&C proceedure.
He explained what would
happen during this proceedure
and how this would
be easier for mentally as well as physically
if a “rush” was placed on it regardless of the fact
he'd been gone so long, and the health concern.
He then told me I would have to wait 3 cycles
before trying to become pregnant again and that
he would be sending my child's remains
to be tested in a pathology lab.
He was ordering a complete work up be done to get
as many results and answers as to the “why's” as possible.
He left alot out when he told me what was
about to take place. I'm not sure if this was
for my mental well being, or what.
I was shaking uncontrollably, and still denying
what he was saying. I kept telling him
“you've made a mistake.”
“My child is just fine. I just felt him kick”.
I was so sure I was having a boy, even though they
couldn't tell at that time I was having a boy.
He said there was no mistake,
and set up my appointment for the D&C.
It was done on October 31, 1996.
I began calling the pathologist who was doing
the studies on my son to find out everything
she discovered during her testing.
She was a very nice woman. During our first conversation
She explained to me the reason why even
at the conclusion of the D&C that they couldn't tell
the sex of my child. She wanted to know if I would
be having a funeral service of any kind for my child
so she could put a rush on that test.
Of course I told her “Yes”. Although my ex-husband
and his whole family was against the idea of me
holding a graveside service for my child, I felt it
was something I had to do. I had not gotten the chance
to see or hold my little angel, I felt this was the least
I could do to honor him, and see to it he “rests in peace”.
I also thought it would help me to grieve, and move on.
She had to allow the cells to grow in the incubator,
but a week later it was confirmed that my “feeling”
was right. I was to have a boy. She told me to call her
in about a week and she should have some more answers.
At this point, I set off to buy my first and last
gifts for my beloved son. These items were to be placed in
his casket when he was burried. I also contacted the
funeral home to make sure they put blue ribbons on his
casket. My ex-husband who wanted a son so much,
now seemed to have a totally different attitude.
He had to purchase a tiny football to go along with
the items I had chosen. He still didn't seem to care
that I had lost this baby, so I'm not sure what
this purchase was supposed to prove. He didn't shed 1 tear.
Not even during the funeral service.
About a month later the testing was complete.
The pathologist, whom I now considered a friend,
sent a full report to my doctor as well as explaining
in depth the results she had found. She knew I wanted
a copy of the report and wanted to make sure
that I understood completely everything that I would see
and read once I received it. The cause of death for my son
was muliple congenital anomolies. With the number of
problems my son had, she was amazed that I had carried my
son as long as I had. My doctor made the same comment.
She also explained in full detail everything
I had asked her about pregnancy loss.
She became a real support to me during all of this,
and helped me to get through it. I owe her many thanks.
She also guided me in the right direction to learn
everything I felt I wanted to know about losses.
She even explained the whole reasoning behind
waiting 3 cycles before trying to become pregnant again.
You name it. If I asked it, she answered it.
She even was answering questions from me after the testing
was completed. Her line was always open to me.
She told me I could call her anytime, and if she
wasn't there to answer my call to have her paged.
I don't know if this was because of my ex-husbands lack
of emotional support through this whole ordeal, or if
it was just a case of her being a wonderful woman and
trying to explain everything.
Please click the next button to continue on
with my daughters story...
