by Patricia Neill
For years now Ive listened to TV talking heads, NPR, socialist politicians, soccer moms, UN fascists, and other idiots tell me about "gun violence." Now, I know for a fact that my own guns are not particularly violent at the moment. The only violence Ive seen out of them recently was a great shot at a penny at 100 yards, and that was just the Ruger .22. The Winchester 12 gauges havent done squat latelymostly because they consider me just too damn small, sneering at me behind my back: "Little idiot cant handle us big boys. She oughta get something she CAN shoot."
So, the guns are quiescent, at least in terms of violence. But in terms of bragging? You oughta hear them! They LOVE being the center of attention! Hell, you aint seen such braggadocio since Daniel Boone laid down his last brag!
What the anti-gunners dont know is that all my inanimate objects are near revolt since the media harp and twitch ONLY on the guns. Report after reportand its gone directly to the guns heads. The other objects are furiously jealous at the fame the guns are getting, while the guns only make things worse with their puffed headed bluster. Trouble is not only brewing, it is beginning to boil!
Theres the Louisville Slugger by the front door. Thats where he wants to be, so thats where he is. He sez he will beat the everlivin crap out of anyone who bothers me on his turf. I can appreciate that protective nature of hishe is one hardwood sumbitch. But now hes grumbling and complaining. "Damn guns getting all the press. Hell, the press dont even know Im HERE," sez he.
The Estwing hammer who lives by the back door is just as protective and just as pissed off about the gun thing. "Damnation! Ill CROWN anyone who bugs you coming in at this entrance! Ill pound them just like I do your thumb and worse iffen they try it! Wheres MY glory, dammit! Damn guns have had 15 YEARS of infamyI want at least my 15 minutes."
Sigh. And those are just a few of em. Can you imagine what the boomerang is saying? I can imagine, but Ive never been able to understand its Aussie accent. And the Egyptian bedouin knife that lives under my pillowbloodcurdling Arabic curses are keeping me awake at night. I cant understand Arabic, but it sure sounds like it wants to disembowel and decapitate somethingprobably the Winchesters. (Hmmmmmmmmm.)
Even the intelligensia are in on it: the Globe Complete Shakespeare, the Websters Unabridged and the Britannica (combined they weigh a TON) are conspiring in whispers to leap off the shelf and brain anything in the vicinitywhich will probably be me!
From the silverware drawer I hear an incredible racket and some squeaky gutter French, "Va foutre!" "Batard!" "Tu vache!" "En garde!" Damn knives are brawling again.
My headache grows apace.
Out from under the sink danced the box of Rat Poison, swaggering around with its chest out, claiming that it really IS dangerousI sighed and kicked its ass back into the cupboard.
And then theres the damn microwave. It thinks it can probably blow stuff up (it can, it has, but I aint telling it that). And even the GE Iron wants to get into the act. "Im gonna get medieval on yor ass . . ."
"SHUT UP RIGHT NOW, Objects!" sez me. "Ive had ENOUGH! Everyone just hush up and settle down or Ill set the damn house on fire. I WANT PEACE AND QUIET IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?"
The cacophony gradually died to a dull roar, then to a low-level murmur.
"Thats better," I sniffed.
Damn, I wish NPR would shut up about the guns. Arent they aware of the trouble theyre causing? Not just in my houseeveryone else must be having this trouble too!
You can see the chaos this totally unfair "gun violence" thing is creating among my objects. It is driving them all nuts, and I cant tell you what it is doing to me. It is, as polite Southerners would put it, making me "nervous."
Insurrections are never tidy. This one is gonna be a real bitch.
March 13, 2000
Patricia Neill is managing editor of a scholarly journal on the life and work of William Blake, the 18th-century artist and poet.
2000 by Patricia Neill