The Agony
By
-Eliahu-
©
Yit'gadal
We took the step
my sister and I
V'Yitkadash
holding hands
and our lives
and our confusion
into the cold tiled room
She'mey Rabba
The trolleys were shiny
the shrouds carefully arranged
displaying only their faces
B'alma Divra Chirootey
Our Mother was closest
her grey hair coiffured
her face pretty yet peaceful
in Death.
V'Yamlich Malchootey
Only the sutured incision
of the coroner
transversing her tender abdomen
that bore us both
told the story.
We bent over
and kissed her forehead
with love and grief
forgetting her cold skin.
Be'chayechon U've yomechon U'vechayey
With leaden steps
and empty hearts
we approached our Father
with fingers locked tightly
Di'chol Beit Yisrael
Intense he looked
just as in Life.
A two day stubble
he never would have allowed.
Ba'agala U'vizman Kariv
Only the lines
of desperate intent
across his arms
--the same gentle hands
that had held us with tenderness
during our nurturing years--
screamed through our souls.
Again we bent forward
bade him farewell
kissed his loving lifeless shell
completed the Kaddish
chests heaving
eyes blurring
hearts in anguish
emotions in torment
V'imroo Amaine
A lifetime
of experiences
unique to each sib
flashed through our haze
Myriads of memories
condensed into seconds
kaleidoscopic feelings
impossible to quell
whirled into a tornado
locked themselves
forever
into our presence.
The door to the morgue
with a metallic clunk
closed off our dear parents
permanently separated
by circumstance or choice -
leaving their children
in continuous pain.
Ye'hey shmey rabba mevorach leolam ul'omey ol'maya.
The thirty days of Shloshim
ground their path
mercilessly through me...
still the low grade pain
the emptiness
psychic screams
pervade my mind.
My intellect
comprehends all
reassures me...
but my emotive heart
has ruptured,
shattered at the thought
that our father
who raised me
and my sister
to intellectual
and academic heights....
dropped us both
in the permanent, bottomless pit
of continuous emotional torment
sentenced forever
to anguish...
Or maybe he chose
not to confront
not to fight
nor to face
the Truth
and all his family
scattered so wide
that he loved so much-
rather to end
their lives
and their suffering...
Death
had been chosen
Death
had been given
passed on
by rejection
of us
All these feelings
are my feelings
about them...
personal, subjective
and painful
but , maybe
Destiny dictated
their ending-
irrespective
of all variables.
Perhaps
it had been decided
that their latter years
and their passing,
was the payment
of their Karmic debt-
plus the impetus
to jolt us
their children
back
to spiritual awareness
of God
and our Godselves
It was only
after sinking
through the bottom
of my mind...
and experiencing
the fear
of detachment
and isolation
of Self
that leads rapidly
irreversibly,
dangerously
to non-caring
about Life....
"I am Death
I live not
breathe not Life
only nihilism
Thanatos
exist surreal
in a charade
of Life
illusory
whereas I am
in reality
also dead
They chose
in their freedom
passed on
their legacy
which I embrace
accept
into my being
as my inheritance
All I have
is this legacy
all I am
is that choice
I am alone
without love
in a void
I have naught
need naught
for I too
am dead
My anger
at Life
at Destiny
towards them
erupts
then subsides
as I submerge my self
submissive
into nothingness
I am despaired
I suffer
and my life
has no meaning"
..Having tried all
the known ways
of purging
psychic pain
and failing
again...
and again...
Only then
as a gift
given with Love
through a sensitive
wrapped in simplicity
in many layers
came
my Revelation
the Beauty
and the Light.
The Truth lay
within
a long path
lay ahead,
and the answers
were slowly revealed.
I had begun.
My awakening
into the new world
of the spirit
had commenced.
Feelings-
foreign feelings
universal thoughts
radiant Love
strange Compassion
ached within
for expression.
Then I knew
at last , at.one.ment.