Three Sappy People
FADE IN:
INT. RUMSFORD MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DAY
A fancy party is in progress. The butler, a large man named WILLIAMS, spoons
some punch from a bowl into a glass as THE COUNTESS, a snooty woman with a
long cigarette holder and a monocle, looks on.
THE COUNTESS
Isn't it rather odd that your mistress hasn't
put in an appearance at her own party?
WILLIAMS
(hands her the punch)
Uh, yes, Madame. I'm sorry, Madame.
The Countess walks off with disdain. The butler shoots a glance across the
room. We follow his gaze with a FAST PAN TO the man of the house MR. RUMSFORD,
a rather mousy gentlemen who sits worriedly in a chair. His friend DR. YORK
stands over him, smoking a cigar.
RUMSFORD
(to himself)
Where is she?
Rumsford pounds his fist into his hand and rises abruptly.
RUMSFORD
Where is that wife of mine?
DR. YORK
Now, take it easy, Rumsford.
Williams arrives with a tray of drinks.
WILLIAMS
A drink, sir?
Rumsford and York each take a drink.
RUMSFORD
(to Williams)
Any word from Mrs. Rumsford?
WILLIAMS
Not a word, sir. I'm terribly upset.
RUMSFORD
You're upset. What about me? She invites all
these people to her birthday party and then
runs out on them!
WILLIAMS
She always does that, sir. She'll probably be
back in a day or two.
RUMSFORD
(chokes on his drink)
Day or two?!
Williams makes a face and walks off.
DR. YORK
Snap out of it, Rumsford. You must make
allowances for her youth. Sherry'll turn up.
RUMSFORD
If I didn't love that woman so much, I swear
I'd--
A car horn HONKS. Rumsford and York stare in horror as an automobile barrels
into the living room and SCREECHES to a halt in front of the fireplace. The
guests GASP in amazement. At the wheel of the car is the missing wife, young
and vivacious SHERRY RUMSFORD, wearing a hat and a fur coat. She waves to her
husband and starts to climb out of the car.
SHERRY
Oh, darling! Hello! Be right over!
Williams enters and stares in shock at the car.
SHERRY (o.s.)
Oh, Williams!
Williams regains his composure and stands at attention.
WILLIAMS
(with some resignation)
Ready, Madame.
Sherry takes off her fur coat while Rumsford and York exchange uneasy glances.
She throws her fur coat across the room at Williams and it miraculously
drapes itself goofily around his shoulders. She takes off her hat and throws
it onto Williams' head. He looks rather ridiculous in a lady's hat and fur
but bears the humiliation with dignity. Meanwhile, Rumsford confers with York.
RUMSFORD
Listen, York. You're a doctor and you're my
best friend. Isn't there anything you can do
for her?
DR. YORK
I'm afraid she's a bit out of my line. The men
you want are Doctors Ziller, Zeller, and
Zoller.
RUMSFORD
Do you think they can help her?
DR. YORK
Well, they're the finest psychiatrists in the
business. They're terribly expensive and their
methods are very peculiar. But they do get
results.
RUMSFORD
I'll have Williams call them. I'll have
Williams call them immediately.
Rumsford rings for the butler. York checks his watch.
DR. YORK
I've got to see a patient, Rummy. I'll try to
get back later. Good luck.
RUMSFORD
Thanks.
York exits as Williams approaches.
RUMSFORD
Oh, Williams. I want you to telephone Doctors
Ziller, Zeller, and Zoller.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DOCTORS' OFFICE - DAY
Painted onto the glass of the office's front door, a sign reads:
Dr. Z. ZILLER, M.D.
Dr. X. ZELLER, M.D.
Dr. Y. ZOLLER, M.D.
PSYCHIATRISTS
ENTER
We PAN from the door to reveal a PAINTER cleaning up his equipment (paint
cans, brushes, etc.) and a SECRETARY who struggles with a recalcitrant
telephone switchboard.
SECRETARY
(upset)
Oh, this switchboard!
The secretary holds the headphone to her ear as she tries to get a line out.
SECRETARY
Oh, it's dead!
Frustrated, she throws the headphone down and turns to the painter.
SECRETARY
Thank goodness you're through. I've been almost
crazy.
PAINTER
Yes, ma'am. I'll have my stuff out right after
lunch.
The secretary exits into a private office as the painter exits out the front
door. Immediately, the Three Stooges enter from the front door: LARRY, MOE and
CURLY. Moe carries a tool box. Curly carries a huge ladder over his shoulder.
LARRY
Looks like there's nobody here.
MOE
This is the place all right.
CURLY
Maybe I got the--
Curly turns to look around and SMASHES the glass of the front door with his
ladder.
LARRY
You puddin'-head! Why don't you look what
you're doin'?
CURLY
I couldn't help it. I was lookin' around to see
if there's anybody in the office and when I
turned--
Curly turns and SMASHES a glass water cooler with the ladder.
MOE
Look what you did!
CURLY
What?!
Curly turns to look at the smashed water cooler and the ladder swings around
and POPS Moe in the face.
MOE
Oh!
Moe clutches his eye in pain. He advances on Curly.
MOE
Why don't you be careful?
Moe pokes Curly in the eye.
LARRY
Drop that ladder before you hurt somebody.
Curly DROPS the ladder on Moe's foot. Moe clutches his foot in pain.
MOE
Remind me to tear out your Adam's apple.
CURLY
I'll make a note of it.
As Curly reaches into his pocket, the secretary returns and sees the mess
they've made. Curly, with a tiny pencil and pad, makes a note to himself to
remind Moe to tear out his Adam's apple.
MOE
(annoyed)
Give me that!
Moe grabs the pencil away from Curly. Curly squeals and pulls another pencil
from his pocket and starts to write with it. Moe grabs the pencil away.
MOE
What's the matter with you?
Curly makes a few noises of frustration and then pulls a giant-sized pencil
from his jacket and starts to write.
CURLY
Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk.
Moe grabs the pencil and HITS Curly over the head with it.
CURLY
Oh! You'll break my pencil!
MOE
I'll break your head.
Moe pulls a hair out of Curly's chest and Curly squeals in pain as the
secretary joins them.
SECRETARY
Say, what war is this?
MOE
Never mind the wisecracks, Toots. We're
trouble-shooters from the phone company. What's
wrong here?
SECRETARY
Painters ruined my switchboard.
MOE
Come on.
The Stooges move to the switchboard.
SECRETARY
If you can bring it to life and a call comes in
for the doctors, say they're out of town. I'm
goin' to lunch.
MOE
Okay.
As the secretary exits, Curly calls after her.
CURLY
Hey! Bring me back a piece of burnt toast and a
rotten egg!
LARRY
Burnt toast and a rotten egg?
CURLY
Yeah, I got a tapeworm and that's good enough
for 'im.
MOE
(pushes Curly)
Go on! Get busy!
The Stooges get to work. Curly sees a stethoscope in a doctor's bag atop the
switchboard. He pulls it out and puts the earpieces in his ear.
MOE
(to Larry)
How's she comin'?
LARRY
Not so good.
Curly puts the stethoscope against the switchboard.
CURLY
(to the switchboard)
Say, "Ahh!"
MOE
(to Curly, off the stethoscope)
What do you got here?
Moe pulls on the stethoscope, stretching it out.
CURLY
Hey, gimme that! Gimme that!
Moe releases the stethoscope -- it snaps back and WHACKS Curly in the nose.
CURLY
Ohhh!
Moe violently pulls the earpieces from Curly's ears, causing a POPPING sound.
Curly GNASHES his teeth pneumatically at Moe who hands the stethoscope back
to him.
MOE
Now, go on! Get busy like I told ya!
(to Larry)
Go on!
Moe shoos Larry away from the board, sits, and puts on the headphones. He
puts a phone wire up to a hole in the board.
MOE
Pull this line through and hook it on number
six.
Curly pulls the line through the hole in the board -- but the line is
attached to the headphones on Moe's head, thus causing Moe's head to be
pulled forward violently. Moe's head SMASHES into the board.
MOE
Oh!
Moe pulls his head back, drawing the wire backwards. This frustrates Curly
who squeals and pulls on it again -- too hard. He stumbles backward and out
of the scene. There is a huge CRASH. Moe and Larry jump in horror as we PAN
QUICKLY TO Curly sitting in a bucket amidst the painter's equipment, each of
his hands stuck in a paint can and a wooden plank on his head.
CURLY
Woo-woo. Woo-hoo-hoo. Hey, Larry! Help me!
I'm surrounded! Woo-hoo-hoo!
Moe and Larry rush to Curly's aid. They push the plank away and, each
grabbing an arm, lift Curly to his feet.
MOE
Get up.
(to Larry, off the bucket
wedged onto Curly's rear)
Get a hold o' that!
Moe grabs Curly by the head and Larry pulls the bucket off of Curly's rear.
Larry FALLS to the floor in the process.
CUT TO:
INT. RUMSFORD MANSION - DAY
Williams is on the phone, making a call.
WILLIAMS
(into the phone)
Hello?
(beat)
Yes, I know it's out of order. I've been trying
for half an hour to get it.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTORS' OFFICE - DAY
The Stooges stand together and confer.
MOE
(to Curly)
What's the matter with you, puddin'-head? You
been actin' slug-nutty all day.
CURLY
It's Gertie. She's gonna have--
Curly grows suddenly bashful. But Moe realizes what he means.
MOE
That's wonderful. When do you expect it?
CURLY
Any minute. That's why I'm so upset.
MOE
No foolin'? Why didn't you tell us?
CURLY
But, you see, I--
LARRY
I know. You're broke.
CURLY
(nods)
Flat as a floogie.
MOE
That's bad. We gotta figure out a way to get
some money and get it quick.
CURLY
Aw, thanks, Moe.
MOE
You're welcome.
Moe and Curly shake hands.
CURLY
Okay, I got--
Moe looks down in disgust at his hand, now stained with paint, like Curly's.
Moe wipes his hand on Curly's jacket.
MOE
Come on.
Curly barks like a dog. Moe CONKS Curly in the back of the head.
MOE
Come on! Get to work!
The Stooges head back to the switchboard.
CUT TO:
INT. RUMSFORD MANSION - DAY
Williams is still on the phone.
WILLIAMS
Now, Operator, you must get that number. Now,
try again, please.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTORS' OFFICE - DAY
Larry struggles with some phone wires. Frustrated, he whips one away.
LARRY
(disgusted)
Ahhh...
Miraculously, the wire lodges in the proper hole: a light flashes and the
board starts to BUZZ. The Stooges rush to the board and Moe answers the call.
MOE
Hello, Operator?
CUT TO:
INT. RUMSFORD MANSION - DAY
WILLIAMS
Is this Susquehanna two-two-two-two?
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTORS' OFFICE - DAY
MOE
(into the phone)
Toot-toot-toot-toot? What do you think you're
doin' -- playin' trains?
CURLY
Ooooh! I love to play trains!
(imitates a train)
Choo choo choo choo choo! Whooo-woo! Sssssssh!
MOE
(to Curly)
Why don't you get a toupee with some brains in
it?
Moe THWACKS Curly's nose. Curly pulls up Moe's bangs and CONKS him on the
forehead.
MOE
(to Curly)
Why, you--!
Moe turns his attention to the phone.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTORS' OFFICE - DAY
WILLIAMS
I want to speak to Doctor Ziller, Zeller, or
Zoller. This is an important case. We'll pay
any price if they'll come over immediately.
Money is no object.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTORS' OFFICE - DAY
MOE
(into the phone)
We'll be there in a flash in the flesh!
Moe hangs up and addresses Larry and Curly.
MOE
We need money and I got a way to get it.
LARRY
What are we supposed to do?
MOE
(points to Curly)
You're Ziller.
(points to Larry)
You're Zeller.
(grandly)
And I'm Doctor Zoller.
CURLY
(shakes Moe's hand)
Oh, glad to meetcha, Doctor.
MOE
How are ya, son?
CURLY
Now, listen, Doc. I'm troubled with T.S.
MOE
What do you mean, T.S.?
CURLY
Two Stomachs!
MOE
Stick out yer tongue!
Curly sticks out his tongue. Moe PUNCHES him in one of his stomachs.
MOE
There's an impatient patient waiting. Come on.
Although they protest, Moe grabs Curly by the ear and Larry by the hair and
drags them away.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. RUMSFORD MANSION - DAY
Sherry comes running out of the building, followed by Rumsford and Williams.
A chauffeur waits beside a fancy car (license number 5R 161).
RUMSFORD
Wait! Sherry, you can't run out on your guests
like this again.
SHERRY
But, darling, I'm bored! I'm only going for a
short ride in a submarine! I'll be back in a
day or two. Tell them all to wait.
RUMSFORD
But, Sh--
They are interrupted by the gentle RINGING of bicycle bells. The Stooges --
dressed in top hats and tails -- come riding up on a three-seater bicycle.
They fall off the bike at the edge of the driveway -- to the shock and
confusion of the Rumsfords. The Stooges rise and rush over to Rumsford.
RUMSFORD
Gentlemen, I'm Mr. Rumsford. Are you looking
for someone?
CURLY
I'm Ziller.
LARRY
I'm Zeller.
MOE
I'm Zoller.
As Sherry looks on with interest, Moe puts a shoe horn near Rumsford's mouth.
MOE
Stick out yer tongue.
Rumsford opens his mouth and Moe uses the shoe horn as a tongue depressor.
MOE
Say, "Ahh" with your mouth closed.
RUMSFORD
Ahhh.
LARRY
(singing in harmony)
Ahhh.
MOE & CURLY
(joining in)
Ahhh.
ALL THREE STOOGES
(singing)
Ahhh...
(spoken, with disgust)
Rats!
MOE
This is serious.
CURLY
You're wrong, gentlemen. It's strictly a case
of latkes and [pippiks?]
Sherry roars with laughter at the Stooges.
SHERRY
(practically squealing)
This is priceless.
RUMSFORD
(to the Stooges)
I'm not the patient. It's Mrs. Rumsford.
The chauffeur looks on with amazement as the Stooges turn to Sherry.
CURLY
Oh. How do you do, Madame?
RUMSFORD
Now, see here, Sherry...
SHERRY
Oh, darling, you take the submarine ride. I
wouldn't leave these men on a bet. Come,
gentlemen! The last one in is a Republican!
Sherry suddenly bolts for the front door. The Stooges take off in happy
pursuit, with Curly circling Rumsford like an airplane before taking off
after her. A stunned Rumsford quickly follows.
CUT TO:
INT. RUMSFORD MANSION - LIVING ROOM
Sherry runs in, followed closely by the Stooges. Moe plows into Williams,
upsetting the tray of pretzels he carries and knocking him out of the shot.
Sherry laughs gaily throughout. After a moment, there is a CRASH and a
woman's SHRIEK. Sherry and the Stooges turn to look at the sofa where
Williams now lies in the Countess' lap beside a mustached guest named John.
Everyone is covered with pretzels. John has the pretzel bowl lid on his head.
WILLIAMS
(totally mortified)
Oh, Countess. I'm so sorry.
The Countess has a pretzel wedged around her eye like a monocle. She puts
her own monocle up to the other eye, trying to keep her dignity.
THE COUNTESS
Really!
Sherry hurries over to help straighten things up.
SHERRY
(to guest with lid on his head)
Oh, John!
Rumsford rushes in and joins the Stooges. He sees the mess and winces.
RUMSFORD
Ooooh!
Sherry starts to take the lid off John's head.
SHERRY
I'll get you a drink.
She removes the lid but his toupee comes off with it, leaving him bald as a
ping pong ball. He clutches his head in horror. A distraught Rumsford
confers with the Stooges.
RUMSFORD
Gentlemen, what will I do with her? Now, let me
tell you a little bit about Sherry.
MOE
Oh, don't bother. I'll take Scotch.
LARRY
Make mine rye.
CURLY
I'll take gin smothered in bourbon. Nyuk, nyuk.
MOE
(to Larry and Curly)
Boys.
Moe motions with eyes and head to something o.s. They follow his gaze. They
stare at each other for a split second before racing away from Rumsford and
over to a table loaded with drinks. Sherry stands at the punch bowl fixing a
drink.
SHERRY
Gentlemen, do have some rum punch.
Sherry leaves with the drink and a tray of hors d'oeuvres.
CURLY
Rum punch? Why, soitanly. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk,
nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
Curly removes his gloves. Larry pulls the stethoscope from his pocket.
LARRY
(off the stethoscope)
I knew this thing would come in handy.
Larry removes the earpieces from the stethoscope, leaving only the rubber
tubing. Moe watches as Larry offers one of the earpiece tubes to Curly.
LARRY
Will you join me?
The business end of the stethoscope is dropped into the bunch bowl.
CURLY
Soitanly. Skoal.
LARRY
Skoal.
Using the tubing as a tandem drinking straw, Larry and Curly SLURP up some of
the rum punch. After a moment, they stop and make faces.
LARRY
This is weak.
CURLY
Yeah. The rum went through this punch on
stilts.
Moe takes a bottle from the table, opens it and takes a whiff.
MOE
This Scotch ought to help.
LARRY
(picking up another bottle)
This gin should make it fizzy.
CURLY
(with two bottles)
Bourbon and rum ought to help some.
Curly sniffs one of the bottles. He sneezes twice and is about to sneeze
again when Sherry returns to the table and offers him a tray.
SHERRY
(to Curly)
Hors d'oeuvre?
CURLY
No. Hay fever.
Sherry busts out laughing at this and walks off. The Stooges pour the
various bottles into the punch bowl. When these are emptied, they turn to
some other bottles on the table.
MOE
Hey, here's some new kind of liquor.
Wor-cester-shire!
(pours Worcestershire sauce
into the punch bowl)
Oh, ho ho ho.
LARRY
This says "Tabasco" -- I ain't never drunk any.
But we'll put it in.
MOE
What have you got to lose?
Larry pours hot Tabasco sauce into the bowl. Curly squeals and claps his
hands with delight as he finds a bottle of his own.
CURLY
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Sham paynee!
Curly POPS the cork on his champagne bottle. The cork flies off and
champagne SPRITZES out of the top. Curly covers the bottle with his hand to
stop the flow. After a pause he looks over at Moe and does a double take.
We SWISH PAN TO discover Moe with the champagne cork wedged in his right eye.
Moe grimaces, pulls the cork from his eye, stares at it for a second, puts it
down, and confronts Curly.
MOE
You shouldn't handle dangerous weapons.
(off the champagne bottle)
Give me that.
CURLY
I will not!
MOE
Let me have it!
CURLY
(reluctantly)
Ohhh...
Curly removes his hand and the foam SPRAYS Moe. Curly directs the stream of
champagne into the punch bowl while Moe BOPS Curly's head several times in
succession. Larry calls Moe's attention to the punch bowl.
LARRY
Look! It's boiling.
The punch is practically steaming.
CURLY
It must be done.
The Stooges grab little glass cups and dip them into the bowl. They clink
their glasses together and all three drink simultaneously. After a moment,
they wince horribly and belch PUFFS of smoke from their mouths. They put
down their glasses and wipe their mouths, looking rather pleased.
LARRY
A marvelous accomplishment.
MOE
A prodigious achievement.
CURLY
You said it! It's putrid!
Suddenly, Rumsford joins the Stooges at the table.
RUMSFORD
Gentlemen, would you be good enough to look my
wife over now?
MOE
A pleasure.
RUMSFORD
This way.
The Stooges follow Rumsford to the sofa where Sherry and the Countess sit
talking.
RUMSFORD
(to Sherry)
The doctor's going to look you over, dear.
SHERRY
Oh, goody.
Curly joins Sherry and the Countess on the sofa, sitting between them. Moe
and Larry stand nearby.
MOE
(to Sherry)
Now, uh, we shall test your reflex first.
SHERRY
Okay, Doctor.
CURLY
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
Sherry's legs are crossed and Curly taps her just below the knee to test her
reflexes. But nothing happens. Sherry just laughs. Curly squeals in
frustration and taps her again. Still nothing. Curly squeals and palms his
face.
CURLY
This is the way a normal reflex should act.
To demonstrate, Curly crosses his own legs and taps himself below the knee.
Nothing. He does a double take and scowls at Sherry. Now, Curly turns to
the Countess sitting beside him and taps her knee, still with no result.
THE COUNTESS
(offended, to Curly)
I beg your pardon.
Delighted with Curly's boldness, Sherry gasps and puts a hand to her mouth.
CURLY
(to the Countess)
Oh, you don't have to apologize. You can't help
it you're crazy.
The Countess is so shocked by this remark that the monocle pops out of her
eye.
MOE
(to Curly)
C'mere, guinea pig.
Curly rises, sits on the arm of the sofa, and crosses his legs. Moe kneels
beside him and prepares to show him how it's done. (Meanwhile, some of the
other guests, including the Countess, start tapping themselves below the
knee.)
MOE
(professorially)
Now, then. Holding the palm at a forty-five
degree angle...
Moe taps Curly below the knee. Nothing happens.
MOE
Must be off a couple of degrees.
Moe tries again. Still nothing.
MOE
(upset, to Curly)
Trouble is, you've got no life.
Moe KETTLE DRUMS Curly in the stomach. Curly's leg lashes out and KICKS Moe,
sending him backward.
MOE
Oh!
Curly backs away, squealing, afraid of retaliation. Reaching the other side
of the room, Curly trips over the leg of a bookish guest who sits in a chair,
reading a newspaper. Curly falls to the floor.
CURLY
(to the guest)
Pardon me.
GUEST
I'm sorry.
The guest goes back to reading his paper and crosses his legs. Still on the
floor, Curly sees the guest's crossed legs and decides to tap him below the
knee. He hits it hard and makes a loud wooden THUMP. The guest puts his
paper down and stares at Curly who squeals in frustration before THUMPING the
leg again. Finally, Curly smacks himself in the face a few times and karate
CHOPS the leg. Curly clutches his hand in pain and HOWLS. The guest gives
Curly an "it serves you right" nod. The guest uncrosses the leg and when it
BANGS loudly to the floor we realize it is a wooden leg. Curly stares at
this, reaches down, and KNOCKS on the wood. It sounds like someone knocking
at a door, so Curly says:
CURLY
Come in.
Curly pulls the guest's trouser leg up to reveal the actual wood -- and a
tiny sign that reads: POST NO BILLS. Curly rises and backs away in horror
until he encounters a large white marble statue of a muscular man sitting on
a pedestal. Sort of a cut-rate version of Rodin's The Thinker. Curly eyes
the statue's bent leg and contemplates tapping its knee with glee.
CURLY
Ooo-oohh. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
Curly taps the statue's knee and -- improbably -- obtains the desired result:
the statue's leg flexes. In response, an amazed Curly barks like a dog at
the statue. Then pauses to wonder how the statue could have come to life. (It
is, of course, a male model made up to look like a statue.)
Meanwhile, on the other side of the room, Moe, Larry and the other guests are
all bent over, tapping their legs below the knee. Williams enters and makes
an announcement.
WILLIAMS
Dinner is served.
Moe straightens up and turns to Larry.
MOE
Eats!
Curly starts GIBBERING like a madman and running in place. Moe jumps over
the sofa. Larry runs around it and hops on Moe's back for a piggy-back ride
into the dining room. The guests and Williams watch all this with stunned
looks while Sherry laughs happily. Finally, Curly runs over and jumps on
Williams' back for his own piggy-back ride into the dining room.
SHERRY
(laughing, to the stunned guests)
Aren't they marvelous?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. RUMSFORD MANSION - DINING ROOM - DAY
Everyone save Williams is seated at the dining room table. Sherry sits at
the head of the table. On her right sits Moe and Larry (when Larry tries to
flirt with the lady on his right, Moe grabs him violently by the hair). On
Sherry's left sits Curly. To Curly's left is the Countess. Rumsford sits at
the other end of the table, opposite Sherry. The seating arrangement looks
like this:
Sherry
Moe Curly
Larry The Countess
Lady Male Guest
? Matronly Woman
? John
Rumsford
Everyone has a cream puff in front of them. We know what that means...
CURLY
(to Sherry)
I just love cream puffs.
SHERRY
Oh, I hope you gentlemen will like my Spanish
dinner.
CURLY
I'm just crazy about Spanish food -- especially
corned beef and cabbage.
SHERRY
(laughing, to guests)
Isn't he funny? Ha ha ha!
Curly notices the Countess looking around for something.
CURLY
What's all the fuss?
THE COUNTESS
I believe I dropped my serviette.
CURLY
Well, just keep seated. Nobody'll notice it.
The Countess gives him a look. Curly shoots her a look right back.
CURLY
Okay, have half of mine.
Curly tears his napkin in half and hands it to the Countess.
THE COUNTESS
(snootily)
Thenk you.
Curly grins, waves and offers a quiet "Nyuk, nyuk." Then, Curly sees the
Countess powdering her face with a powder puff. He squeals quietly, digs into
his pocket, and pulls out an electric razor. He plugs in the razor
(apparently, the socket is built right into the dining room table) and it
starts to BUZZ loudly. Curly starts shaving himself, much to the Countess'
annoyance. He yelps when he snags a piece of skin just above his lip. Then
he reaches over and starts shaving the Countess' face. She shrieks and jumps
in horror at this.
THE COUNTESS
Really!
She goes back to powdering her face. Curly gives her one of his eloquent
dismissive waves and goes back to shaving. Williams approaches the Countess
with a tray.
WILLIAMS
Biscuit, Madame?
THE COUNTESS
No, thank you.
Williams is about to offer Curly a biscuit but is shocked and offended to see
him shaving at the dinner table.
WILLIAMS
(disapproving)
Sir?!
CURLY
Quiet!
WILLIAMS
(regains his composure)
Biscuit, sir?
CURLY
(rubbing his hands with glee)
Oh, soitanly!
Curly takes a biscuit and sets to work on it with a knife while Williams
grimaces in disbelief and moves on. William offers the tray to Moe and Larry.
WILLIAMS
Biscuit, sir?
Moe and Larry manage to take their biscuits without incident (Larry takes
two). While Moe shakes enough salt onto his biscuit to preserve the entire
Columbia film library, Larry makes a sandwich out of his two biscuits and a
giant stalk of celery. With both hands, Larry raises the unwieldy sandwich
to his mouth and is about to bite into it.
MOE
(to Larry)
Hey. Where's your Emily Post?
Moe's reference to the famous etiquette maven causes Larry to stick both his
pinkies in the air before biting down joyfully on the sandwich with an
impolite CRUNCH. Moe nods in approval and continues to salt his biscuit.
Meanwhile, the Countess continues powdering her face. Curly has cut his
biscuit in two and places one half on the table and starts to butter the
other half.
CURLY
This is my favorite dish. Biscuits! Biscuits
all the time.
The Countess sets the powder puff down on top of Curly's half-biscuit. He
finishes buttering, picks up the powder puff by mistake, and puts his
"biscuit" in his mouth.
He tries to bite off a piece but can't. He makes a face, then squeals; the
Countess who now puts on lipstick, gives him a disdainful look; Curly finally
bites a piece of powder puff, glancing happily at the Countess; struggles to
chew it, going cross-eyed at the effort; swallows some down; takes another
bite; squeals, earning another look from the Countess; Curly pauses for a
moment ... then abruptly stuffs the biscuit in his mouth and tears off
another piece.
The Countess sighs and rolls her eyes. Suddenly, Curly starts to choke. He
grabs his throat, eyes bulging. Desperately, he WHACKS the back of his head
causing face powder to SPEW out of his mouth. He grabs a water glass from
off the table and drinks some down. He turns to look at the Countess and
grimaces. The Countess is white with powder and totally mortified. Sherry
cracks up at the sight of her.
SHERRY
(to Curly)
You funny, funny man!
MOE
(grimly ironic)
Yes. Isn't he a scream?
Williams serves the tamales, a native Mexican food made of minced meat and
red peppers rolled in cornmeal and wrapped in corn husks.
SHERRY
Ooh, I just love tamales in the Spring!
CURLY
(off his tamale)
What a funny thing. It don't know whether it's
comin' or goin'.
Suspicious, Moe and Larry peer at their tamales, at first tapping them
cautiously, then POUNDING them. Curly picks his up, shakes it, hears a
GLOOPY sound from its interior, sets it on his plate, and strikes up a
conversation with it.
CURLY
(to the tamale)
Speak to me so I'll know which is the head or
the tail.
Curly barks at it twice, then pats it gently as if it were a dog.
CURLY
(to the tamale)
Quiet now, quiet. Nyuk, nyuk.
Moe tries to penetrate the corn husk with a spoon, to no avail.
MOE
(to himself)
This thing can't lick me.
Moe tucks his napkin into his collar and starts to manhandle the tamale.
Meanwhile, Larry uses a fork and a knife on his tamale with no result.
LARRY
Mmm. Stubborn, huh?
Finally, Curly figures out that you have to unwrap the darn things and
happily begins to do so.
CURLY
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
Larry butters and salts his and BITES down on it as if it were corn-on-the-
cob. Moe tries to finger-poke his tamale as if it were Curly. Finally, he
tries to squeeze the life out of it.
MOE
Get tough with me-- ?!
Moe SLAMS it to his plate. Sauce SQUIRTS out of it and blackens Moe's face.
He tries to wipe it off, only making it worse.
MOE
(off the tamale)
A bomb! An infernal machine!
Curly keeps tearing off flakes of husk, finally finding one he likes. Moe
starts to do the same. Curly salts his husk and pops it in his mouth. Moe
butters one of his own, puts it with another one, and eats it like a sandwich.
He claps his hands together and looks satisfied -- until he tastes the husk.
Then, he pauses to make a face. Curly scrapes sauce off a husk with his knife
and grows wild-eyed with anticipation as he salts the husk and stuffs his
mouth with it.
Larry, having made no progress, bites into one end of his tamale causing
sauce to STREAM out the other end and blacken Curly's face. Upset, Curly
wipes his eye. Larry looks in horror at what he's done.
CURLY
(angry, to Larry)
Why, you--!
Curly picks up a tamale and threatens to throw it at Larry.
LARRY
I'm sorry. Don't throw it! Don't throw it!
Larry ducks his head into Moe's lap as Curly throws. The tamale hits and
spatters Moe. Moe grabs Larry by the hair and pulls him off his lap.
MOE
(to Larry)
Get up, you.
Moe SMACKS Larry on the forehead and turns to Curly.
MOE
(to Curly)
Why, you--!
Moe picks up a cream puff to throw at Curly.
CURLY
Moe! Don't!
Curly ducks his head into the Countess' lap as Moe throws. The cream puff
hits the Countess in the forehead. Curly pops up.
CURLY
I ducked --
Curly sees the creamed Countess and reacts with horror. The Countess
desperately tries to maintain an air of dignity. The young MALE GUEST sitting
beside her begins to roar with laughter at the sight of her. So she SMACKS
him in his open mouth with a cream puff. Now, it's Sherry's turn to laugh
hysterically. The Male Guest grabs a cream puff and eyes the Countess. He
rises, much to her dismay, preparing to hit her with it.
THE COUNTESS
(also rising)
Oh, no no no no no no...
But, at the last second, he throws the cream puff at Sherry instead, hitting
her square in the face. Rumsford, sitting at the far end of the table next
to the guest named John, puts a hand to his head in dismay. But Sherry,
smiling like a kid, winds up and pitches her cream puff across the length of
the table, hitting John. Then she grabs Curly's cream puff and hits Rumsford
as he is shouting:
RUMSFORD
This is outrageous! I demand that something
be done-- !
Sherry laughs even harder than before, shaking in her chair, her mouth wide
open. Rumsford grabs a cream puff and somehow throws it right into her open
mouth. John, wiping some cream from his face, accidentally FLICKS some onto
the Matronly Woman beside him. She, in turn, picks up her cream puff and
SMACKS him with it. They start throwing the rest of their food at each other.
MOE
(to Curly)
This is all your fault, you--
Moe picks up a cream puff. Curly hides behind the Countess.
CURLY
Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo... Cut it out, Moe!
A cream puff hits the Countess. She sputters. Curly pokes his head out from
behind her.
CURLY
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
He ducks back. Another cream puff hits the Countess.
CURLY
(to Moe)
You missed me.
COUNTESS
The king shall hear of this!
MOE
Ehh, that'll teach you!
Moe gets hit by a cream puff. An untouched FEMALE GUEST tries to keep the
peace.
FEMALE GUEST
Folks! This must stop!
The woman is instantly CLOBBERED by a cream puff. By now, the room has
degenerated into anarchy: Sherry, Larry, Moe, Curly and the others all either
throw cream puffs or get hit with them or both. Curly ducks beneath the
table and pops up with his napkin covering his head. Of course, the moment
he peeks out from behind it, he is WHACKED with a cream puff --
CURLY
I surrender! I--
Curly rises, grunts, and gets WHACKED again.
CURLY
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
An unsuspecting Williams calmly enters the room and stares wide-eyed in
amazement. Everyone is throwing food.
WILLIAMS
Doctor York just--
Williams gets hit by a cream puff. Huffily, he turns to exit and gets a cold
one right in the back of the neck. He raises his shoulders high, exhales
deeply, and marches out of the room.
Rumsford and the Stooges crawl on hands and knees away from the rioting
partygoers and confer in a quieter part of the room.
RUMSFORD
(to the Stooges)
Gentlemen, I think you'd better leave now while
my wife's still enjoying herself and before she
changes her mind. Believe me, I'm grateful.
(pulls out a wad of cash)
Will-will about fifteen hundred do?
MOE
(taking the whole wad)
Oh, that's just right. Thanks.
Rumsford crawls away to join Sherry while the Stooges count their money.
Sherry is having a ball, throwing and being thrown at.
SHERRY
Whoooo! Ha ha ha!
A smiling Rumsford approaches, carrying a huge chocolate cake that says HAPPY
BIRTHDAY on it.
SHERRY
(happily, off the cake)
Oh, my birthday cake! Oh, darling, in all my
life I've never had so much fun!
Rumsford immediately DUMPS the entire cake on her head.
RUMSFORD
Me, too.
They stare at each other, she in disbelief and he, inscrutably, with his
hands on his hips.
FADE OUT