Kacoe's Joke Page #4

Welcome everybody, once again, you found yourself ANOTHER joke page. I'm quite proud of you!!! Not a lot of people make it this far.. Much less as to my page.. Now, as usual, please, use any jokes as you like... Read as many, (not like I can stop you!) and Enjoy them!! Gotta jet!!

A Pig Story

Bill Clinton's limo is driving along a back country road on the way back to Washington from Camp David, when all of a sudden a pig jumps out in front of the limo. Bill, upset, tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so he can pay for the damages and apologize. They arrive at the farm house up the road, and Clinton tells the driver to go inside and tell the farmer and his wife what happened. 2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag, and a huge smile across his face. Bill wants to know what happened. The driver tells him, "I went inside, they made me a nice steak, then the parents introduced me to their 24 year old daughter who was a finalist in the Miss America Pageant, they left us alone to have sex for an hour, and when I was finished, I came downstairs and the mother had this bag of cookies for me." Bill says, "What did you tell them?" The driver replies, "I told them I was Bill Clinton's driver, and that I just killed the pig."

Question: Wut would happen if I poke the Pillsbury Doughboy in the wrong place?

Johnny's Answer: He'd explode, dude. Pillsbury Dough contains small amounts of TNT (how do you think that tube pops open when you whap it on the corner of the kitchen counter?). Consequently, when the Doughboy was created, the geniuses in the Research and Development department thought it would be a real hoot to include a small detonator some place inside his body. It hasn't been found yet, but if it was, well ... let's just way it wouldn't be pretty. Dough doesn't explode like fireworks, let me tell you. If you listen very carefully to a Pillsbury commercial, you can hear the director scream in the background "THE BELLY! POKE HIM IN THE BELLY! FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU'LL KILL US ALL!!" So if you've always wondered if the Pillsbury Doughboy is gay, guess again. He's a time bomb waiting to go off. (During his last contract negotiation - which resulted in a big raise - insiders say he would skip down the halls at corporate headquarters singing, "I know where it is... I know where it is... ")

Three Priests And The Railroad Ticket Clerk

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled. Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

When To Go Home

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

Hypnotic Mass

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate." So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church.

Blind Golf

A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (Silence!) PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

Penis Tattoos

A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; but when deflated, it read "Wy". After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two frozen mixed drinks. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. "Hey", Jack said and smiled, "What a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy." "Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed, "Mine say 'Welcome to Jamaica. Enjoy your stay.'"

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned!"

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's hell to iron."

A Pig Story Bill Clinton's limo is driving along a back country road on the way back to Washington from Camp David, when all of a sudden a pig jumps out in front of the limo. Bill, upset, tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so he can pay for the damages and apologize. They arrive at the farm house up the road, and Clinton tells the driver to go inside and tell the farmer and his wife what happened. 2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag, and a huge smile across his face. Bill wants to know what happened. The driver tells him, "I went inside, they made me a nice steak, then the parents introduced me to their 24 year old daughter who was a finalist in the Miss America Pageant, they left us alone to have sex for an hour, and when I was finished, I came downstairs and the mother had this bag of cookies for me." Bill says, "What did you tell them?" The driver replies, "I told them I was Bill Clinton's driver, and that I just killed the pig."		Question: Wut would happen if I poke the Pillsbury Doughboy in the wrong place? Johnny's Answer: He'd explode, dude. Pillsbury Dough contains small amounts of TNT (how do you think that tube pops open when you whap it on the corner of the kitchen counter?). Consequently, when the Doughboy was created, the geniuses in the Research and Development department thought it would be a real hoot to include a small detonator some place inside his body. It hasn't been found yet, but if it was, well ... let's just way it wouldn't be pretty. Dough doesn't explode like fireworks, let me tell you. If you listen very carefully to a Pillsbury commercial, you can hear the director scream in the background "THE BELLY! POKE HIM IN THE BELLY! FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU'LL KILL US ALL!!" So if you've always wondered if the Pillsbury Doughboy is gay, guess again. He's a time bomb waiting to go off. (During his last contract negotiation - which resulted in a big raise - insiders say he would skip down the halls at corporate headquarters singing, "I know where it is... I know where it is... ")
Three Priests And The Railroad Ticket Clerk There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled. Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."	When To Go Home A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."	Hypnotic Mass A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate." So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church.
Blind Golf A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (Silence!) PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?	An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"	Penis Tattoos A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; but when deflated, it read "Wy". After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two frozen mixed drinks. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. "Hey", Jack said and smiled, "What a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy." "Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed, "Mine say 'Welcome to Jamaica. Enjoy your stay.'"
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"	A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."	One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned!"	Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"	It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's hell to iron."