Got Any Gwapes?

A little duck walks into a bar one day. He saunters up to the bartender and asks, "Got any gwapes?" "Nope, sorry," says the bartender. The duck walks out, disappointed. The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks, "Got any gwapes?" "I already told you, no, I don't!" says the bartender angrily. The duck leaves, again disappointed. The day after that, the duck walks in again and says, "Got any gwapes?" "No! I do not have any grapes! If you come in here one more time asking for grapes I'll nail your feet to the floor!" The next day, the duck waddles into the bar. The bartender eyes him suspiciously. "Got any nails?" the duck asks. "No, why?" the bartender asks. "Got any gwapes?"

Mr. Schwartz's Not-So-Secret

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

Kids On "Love"

~"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."

~"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

~"When someone loves you, the way she says your name is different. You know that your name is safe in her mouth."

~"If life is 'A,' love is the whole alphabet."

~"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

~"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."

~"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."

~"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

~"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents for a minute and look around."

~"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who hates you."

~"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."

~"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared she won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only does she still love you, she loves you even more."

~"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

~"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they've know each other so well."

~"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

~"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

~"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

~"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

~"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

~"Love is a radio song by Elvis."

~"Love goes on even when you stop breathing and you pick up where you left off when you reach heaven."

~"My enemies taught me how to love."

~"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

~"You have to fall in love before you get married. Then when you're married, you just sit around and read books together."

~"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

~"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."

~"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

~"Love makes you sweat a lot."

~"You can break love, but it won't die."

~"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Real Bumper Stickers

Dain bramaged

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

Boldly going nowhere

CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

Axe me about Ebonics Don't be sexist - broads hate that I'm an imbecile and I vote Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

JESUS SAVES...He Passes It To Gretzky...Gretzky Shoots...He Scores!

You are depriving some poorvillage of its IDIOT

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Grow your own dope, plant a man

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED Meaningful-overnight relationship

BEER It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Hang up and drive.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Consciousness that annoying timebetween naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

Honk If You Want To See My Finger

THE MASTURBATER: (sing to the tune of the Macarena)

Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alona,

Feeling kinda horny, gotta jingle on my bona.

Go and grab a Penthouse, it's the one with Sharon Stona.

Heeey Masturbater!!

 

I go a little faster and it's feeling kinda nicea,

Once ain't enough so I have to do it twicea.

If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea.

Heeey Masturbater!!

 

I use some baby oil or a little Vaselina.

Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana.

Never shake my hand cause you don't know where it's beena.

Heeey Masturbater!!

 

I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta,

One hand on the wheel and the others on my meata.

I can't get out of the car cause I'm sticking to the seata.

Heeey Masturbater!!

 

Since I was a kid I have been a Masturbater.

Choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomatea.

I've looked at Ms. November now I'm gonna decorate her.

Heeey Masturbater!!

 

Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bakin'.

Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I'm amaking.

Spank the frank, wax the carrot, God my hand is aching.

Heeey Masturbater!!