John the DogBoy Interviews Teen-Star
Leif Garrett!

Not to be confused with Leif Erickson,
the Viking Guy

John the DogBoy recently went to a Melvins concert at the Catalyst in Santa Cruz. Leif Garrett was the special guest star, who came out to sing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" with the Melvins.

After arriving in Santa Cruz, John the DogBoy decided to have himself a few of them cocktails. After putting down a few at a favorite Santa Cruz place, the Red Room, John the DogBoy made his way to the Catalyst. Seeing that there was plenty of time, (at least fifteen minutes) to put down a few more cocktails, John the DogBoy wandered into the bar next door.

Slipping inside the entrance, John the DogBoy popped himself up on a stool at the bar.
As in a recreation of the movie "Birdcage", this "highly rhythmic" Latino gentlemen glided over and said, "What can I get you sweetie?"
John the DogBoy then noticed the televisions. The televisions. The televisions playing video of men doing strange things. Dancing in strange ways. Looking like the Village People.
John the DogBoy looked around. There were no other of them women anywhere. And then it hit like a ton of astroglide.... John the DogBoy was in a gay bar.
"Fuck it", I said, "give me a gin a tonic, stiff." "No pun intended!"

After slurping down a very stiff gin and tonic... No pun intended, thank you!... John the DogBoy made his way next door to the Catalyst.

Realizing that John the DogBoy was a journalist... hehe.... he decided it would be a good idea to interview Leif Garrett, the special guest star.
Not having a piece of paper, but posessing a pen, John the DogBoy hit up the sinister door guards of the Catalyst for paper.
Graciously, one of the door guards went on a ten minute search for a piece of paper, finally finding one on the wall directly in front of John the DogBoy. John the DogBoy said, "Thank you."

The concert commenced in true Melvins style. They opened with "Tequila", then played "I'm Proud to be an Okee from MsKogee."
John the DogBoy was doing that metal thing with the fingers.

At the moment of truth, King Buzzo said.... "What's that smell? Could it be.... teen spirit?"
Out walks Leif Garrett. Baggy pants, flannel shirt, bandanna on the head, goatee.... "Shut up and play," he says.

Baadaa Boom, Baadaa Bing, Melvins play some more, sounds great...

Afterwards, John the Dogboy made his way to "the ropes", that sinister area of the arena where groupies line up in abundement to sneak a peek at the performers.
John the DogBoy said, "Hey Leif, can I interview you?" Leif said, "sure."

John the DogBoy accompanied Leif Garrett to the backstage area, which was a chilly outdoor scene with various groupie looking wenches lurking silently in a corner. Leif graciously ignored everyone but me, and gave me his full attention. I have to say that Leif Garrett was a gracious, polite, all-around great guy to talk to. He began by showing me his finger.

He had, before the show, cut his finger by inserting it into a backstage couch. Lurking inside the depts of the couch was a crystal of very sharp substance. He commented on the crystal, wondering who put it there, and how it was laying in wait for his finger.

John the DogBoy was drinking this evil concoction of non-alcaholic consistency that tasted awful, but he was just plain firsty. On beginning the interview, I commented on the fact that my lips and tongue seemed to be going numb. Leif inspected my bottle and noticed the warning label, that the beverage may cause numbness of the tongue. What a guy.

John the Dogboy (DB): "So what are you doing here with the Melvins singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit and stuff?"

Leif Garrett (LG): "They asked me to do it. They thought it would be funny. The whole teen-idol thing, singing the Nirvana song.

DB: "So how long have you been on this tour with the Melvins?"

LG: "This is the third show I've done with them."

DB: "So what else are you up to?"

LG: "The Godspeed record is finished, which is my band. It's on Tongue and Groove Records, my own label. I got my Mom to help out. Check out the website, GodSpeed.com."

DB: "How are things going for you in general? How is life treating you these days?"

LG: "Well, I'm getting over a recent loss, my girlfriend of five years died last year. I've been off heroin for 10 months now."

DB: "You worked with Dave Navarro on the Godspeed record, didn't you?"

LG: "Yes, he just played piano on the record. I thought it would be cool to have him do something other than play guitar, which is what a lot of people are hitting him up for these days."

DB: "Have your creative impulses taken you anywhere else besides your band Godspeed and these shows with the Melvins?"

LG: "I did a movie called "The Art of a Bullett" a year ago, should be out soon."

During the interview Leif decided to introduce John the DogBoy to one of his friends that happened to be backstage.

I'll never forget this,... Leif said, "Hey Mike, I want you to meet my friend John."
And there he was. Mike Patton. The god of all vocalization. Faith No More, Mr. Bungle... Mike freaking Patton... and I was introduced to him by Leif Garrett. Ain't life funny?

The sinister crystal was inserted back into the couch.

So, after the Catalyst henchemen kicked us all out, and turned a blind eye to Leif's bottle O' booze that fell out of his pants, we all hung out in the parking lot.
There I was. Hanging out in a parking lot with Leif Garrett, the Melvins, and Mike Patton. Shit.
I said, "Hey Leif, you wanna go to a cool local bar called the Red Room?"
Leif said, "Do they have pool tables?"
I said, "...No."
Leif said, "OK, Sure. Let me go back to the hotel and take a quick shower, and unload the gear."

John the DogBoy walked gleefully down a few blocks to the Red Room, ordered a cheap beer, and waited.
Eventually John the DogBoy mentioned to the bartender, a scruvy wench, that he had just met Leif Garrett, and that Leif was going to join him shortly for a drink.
The bartender laughed hideously.

Time passed... and passed. The bartender ridiculed John the DogBoy, and had spread the word around the bar that I was waiting for Leif Garrett. Did I mention that it was cowboy night at the bar? No, I didn't.

Yes, it was cowboy night. The Red Room was full of people sporting cowboy hats and yelling "YEEEEEEEHAAAAW!" all over the place.

There was a guy playing guitar and singing country songs. He had a cowboy hat on too, and a big cowboy looking guitar that he played cowboy style. He pointed to somebody in the audience and said, "...and look who's here, Greg Lischer from Camper Van Beethoven."

Camper Van Beethoven! I love them! They were one of my favorite bands in high school. I saundered over and introduced myself to a very gracious Mr. Lischer, indulging myself in pronuncements on my gratitide for the musical features of a band containing my highest esteem.

Mr. Lischer said that he had been doing some recording locally, and working at his Mother's shop on Pacific street in Santa Cruz. What is this with musicians and their mothers?

Later... in the can, when John the DogBoy was wizzing out the cheap beer, Mr. Lischer accompanied John the DogBoy at the adjacent urinary stall.
I asked if he ever found the missing shoe mentioned in the liner notes to "Key Lime Pie." Those who love Camper Van will appreciate this.
I also told him I was waiting for Leif Garrett. I think he thought I was a bit funny.

Time passed... and passed. The barteneders riducule continued.

Then, the phone rang. After a few moments the bartender handed the phone to me. It was Leif, apologizing that he couldn't make it.
He had described me to the bartender,... overalls... spikey hair....

"Hah!" I said. "Leif Garrett called me at a bar." Shit.

The end.