| I.Q. |
| The Facts of Life Season One Episode 4 "I.Q." FADE IN: The Eastland dormitory living room. Mrs. Garrett and Blair are in the living room. Mr. Bradley walks in. MR. BRADLEY Morning, everybody. (Looks around the room) Where is everybody? MRS. GARRETT Upstairs studying, Mr. Bradley. MR. BRADLEY What are you reading? MRS. GARRETT “How to fly an airplane” MR. BRADLEY Why do you want to learn to fly? MRS. GARRETT Because I’m scared of flying. I’m ashamed of myself. As a kid, I was absolutely fearless. When I was nine, I won a bet by jumping off of the top of a barn into a pile of hay. BLAIR You must have been a fun date. MRS. GARRETT I was. MR. BRADLEY Blair. (Motions her to leave) Studying. BLAIR Bye. (Goes upstairs) MR. BRADLEY Bye. MRS. GARRETT So I took my trip to Hong Kong money and signed up for flying lessons. And Mr. Bradley, I am having one heck of a time. MR. BRADLEY I’ll bet you are. MRS. GARRETT I’ve already logged 20 hours and tomorrow I go solo (Gives a little salute) MR. BRADLEY Good luck (Miss Mahoney comes in with mail) MISS MAHONEY Morning. MRS. GARRETT Morning, Miss Mahoney. MISS MAHONEY (Giving him papers) Mr. Bradley, here’s a copy of my history exam for tomorrow. And I think this is yours. (Gives him a manila envelope) They must have delivered it to me by mistake. MR. BRADLEY Thank you (Opens the envelope) These are the girls’ I.Q. scores from their previous schools. Oh, I am so proud. Our girls had the highest I.Q. of any prep school in the state! MRS. GARRETT Mr. Bradley, how can you put so much importance on an intelligence test that was taken way back in grade school? MR. BRADLEY Mrs. Garrett, if you were in the education biz, you’d understand. You see, by 5th grade each child has reached his or her permanent I.Q. level. I’m not going too fast for you, am I? MISS MAHONEY It’s not that cold-hearted, Miss Garrett. It’s only a guideline. And the child never sees the I.Q. scores. (All of a sudden, Tootie rolls in on her roller skates) TOOTIE Mr. BRADLEY!!!!!! (She collides with him, spilling all of his papers on the floor and falls down) MR. BRADLEY Tootie, are you all right? (He helps her up) TOOTIE: Yeah, I landed on my soft part. Mrs. Tracey’s giving a geometry test and she sent me to find one of you. MISS MAHONEY What’s the problem? TOOTIE She has to go to the bathroom! MRS. GARRETT I didn’t know we were on the buddy system. MISS MAHONEY Oh, Mr. Bradley, I would love to be able to help but I got to get back to my biology lab. I’ve got 8 rabbits in trouble. (Makes a pregnant impression and leaves) MRS. GARRETT I’ll be glad to go with you, Mr. Bradley. BRADLEY No, Mrs. Garrett. You’re a little soft hearted to play watchdog. I’ll do it, but will you please cover the phones in my office? MRS. GARRETT Glad to (Starts singing “Off we go into the wild blue yonder” as she and Mr. Bradley leave) (Tootie picks up a piece of paper and starts reading it) TOOTIE Stanford Benet I.Q. scores. For EVERYONE in school! (Reading) Sure didn’t know she was the smartest. Oh, she was the dumbest! CUT TO: Dormitory room. The girls are studying. NANCY Sue Ann, can you fill me in on the Louisiana Purchase? SUE ANN Sure, the Louisiana Purchase was purchased on April 30, 1803 and it cost us over 16 million dollars. CINDY Wow, that’s a lot of money! BLAIR They probably just charged it. (Tootie comes in the room) TOOTIE Hey, I have a secret that one of us is supposed to know! CINDY What is it, Tootie? TOOTIE I know who the smartest girl in school is! NANCY Wait a minute! That’s no secret! Everyone knows it Sue Ann. SUE ANN Oh, not necessarily, Nancy. TOOTIE Sue Ann’s right. It’s not her. SUE ANN (a little bit nervous) See, didn’t I tell you? Who is the smartest? BLAIR Well It couldn’t be me. I’ve got too many other things going for me. TOOTIE You’re right, Blair. It’s not you, either! BLAIR Oh. TOOTIE It’s Nancy! NANCY No, I’m not the smartest! TOOTIE Don’t be so stupid! I just told you so. MOLLY How do you know all this? TOOTIE I found a confidential list with al our I.Q.’s on it! (Takes out a piece of paper and unfolds it) I wrote them all down (Everyone crowds around her) Not so fast! Sheesh! I’ll show you your scores one at a time. MOLLY That’s not fair! How should you know all our scores and not us? TOOTIE ‘Cuz I can keep a secret. Cindy. (Shows her score) CINDY All right! TOOTIE Molly (Show her score. Molly is surprised) Nancy (Shows her score. Nancy bugs her eyes out) Natalie, you and me have the same I.Q. score. NATALIE All right! I knew we were soul sisters! (They slap some skin) CINDY (Grabs the paper) Hey Blair, want to see your I.Q. score? BLAIR Great! My I.Q.’s higher than my weight. (Molly grabs the paper out of her hand) MOLLY I don’t believe it! Sue Ann as the lowest I.Q. on the list! SUE ANN May I see that? (She takes the paper and read it, then looks at Nancy) Congratulations, Nancy, for being so smart. NANCY Sue Ann, it’s not that big a deal! SUE ANN (About to cry) That’s easy for you to say! MOLLY Sue Ann, don’t be so upset because you’re the dumbest girl in school. I have a friend whose brother has a lower I.Q. than yours. He got all the way through junior college and is now the most successful dogcatcher in Porramth, New Jersey. SUE ANN (Sarcastically) Thanks. Maybe I can work my way up to being manager of a lemonade stand. NANCY Sue Ann, you’re being ridiculous. You’ve always got good grades and this isn’t going to change anything. NATALIE Yeah, and if you need help to study, Tootie and I will be glad to tutor you. TOOTIE It’ll cost you. (Mrs. Garrett comes in) MRS. GARRETT Hi girls! Sue Ann, you’re so good at math. Can you help me with this flying problem? SUE ANN Boy, have you come to the wrong person for help! MRS. GARRETT Sue Ann…. SUE ANN That’s real funny, isn’t it girls? (Runs out of the room) MRS. GARRETT Sue Ann? Girls, What’s going on here? (Tootie quickly puts the paper behind her back) What is this? TOOTIE Uh, looks like a piece of paper, Mrs. Garrett (Tootie tries to get away) MRS. GARRETT Tootie. These couldn’t possibly be the list of I.Q. scores, could it? TOOTIE Well, Mrs. Garrett, not possibly. Definitely. MRS. GARRETT Tootie, is there something you think you should do about this? TOOTIE Yeah, Make a break for it! (Tootie tries to get away again, but Mrs. Garrett pulls her back and gives her a “Wrong answer” look) Okay, let’s go to Mr. Bradley’s office. MRS. GARRETT All right. I’ll roll you down that last mile. (She rolls her out of the room) CUT TO: Mrs. Garrett’s bedroom. Sue Ann comes in and they sit on the bed. SUE ANN I’m sorry about the way I acted before, Mrs. Garrett. I was really rude. MRS. GARRETT No, you weren’t SUE ANN I hear Tootie’s gonna be punished for peeking at the I.Q. scores. MRS. GARRETT She sure is. She’s going to have to write, “I shall not be nosy” 500 times on the blackboard. That’ll keep her busy…for a few minutes (She laughs a little, then subsides) What’s the matter, Sue Ann? Oh, You’re still not worried about that silly I.Q. stuff, are you? SUE ANN It’s not silly, Mrs. Garrett. I was the dumbest on the list and everyone knows it. MRS. GARRETT Oh, Sue Ann. You always do beautifully on your exams. This I.Q. thing, there’s nothing to it. Doesn’t mean a thing. SUE ANN It doesn’t if you’re at the top of the list like Nancy. And I don’t hear her complaining. CUT TO: The girls’ dormitory. Blair sneaks over to take a peek at Nancy’s writing. BLAIR Come on, Nancy. Don’t be so selfish. Share your brain. NANCY Blair, you’re the fifth one that’s come to me and I can’t help you. I’ll be lucky if I pass this test myself. Check with Sue Ann. She knows everything. BLAIR If I want help, I go to the best. That’s you. NANCY I don’t care what my I.Q. is. I don’t want to be the smartest girl in school! BLAIR You should be proud to be #1. NANCY I liked it better when Sue Ann was #1 and everyone went to her for the answers. Now everyone’s coming to me and I can’t take the pressure. Blair, will you please leave so I can study? BLAIR Well! You don’t see me getting upset when people tell me how gorgeous I am! (She flounces out) CUT TO: The living room. Nancy is sitting on the couch flipping pages madly. Sue Ann comes in and goes to the bulletin board. SUE ANN Oh, didn’t Miss Mahoney post the exam scores yet? NANCY What are you asking me for? You got eyes! SUE ANN Can’t you answer a simple question? I mean you are the smartest girl in school! NANCY Get off my case, will you? SUE ANN What are you so uptight about? A girl with your I.Q. shouldn’t have any trouble with that simple test. NANCY Are you kidding? I panicked! I had to guess at half the answers. I hope I guessed right. SUE ANN Hey, come off it, will you Nancy! We all know you’re a brain! I hate people who pretend that a test is hard for them just so the other people won’t feel so dumb! NANCY Well, if you don’t like it, tough, okay Sue Ann! And I’m sick and tired of hearing how high my I.Q. is, so just CUT IT OUT! SUE ANN I’ll give anything to have your problem. You’re on top. How would you know if you’re going to spend the rest of your life in the basement? I’ll trade with you in a minute! NANCY Show me how and you got a deal. Sue Ann, I liked it the way it used to be. SUE ANN So do I. NANCY I can’t handle being up there by myself. SUE ANN It’s pretty miserable down here, too. I wish they had never invented I.Q.’s. (Blair walks in) BLAIR What are you two looking so intense for? Hey! Exams come and go. Worry lines stay with you forever. (She passes by a mirror) I wasn’t talking about you. (She gives a little pose and goes upstairs) (Miss Garrett comes in from the side and heads for the door) MRS. GARRETT Well, wish me luck. I’m off to the airfield for my first solo. Looks like a beautiful day for it, too. (When she gets to the door, she looks back and turns around towards the two girls) What’s the matter with you two? SUE ANN We took our midterms this morning. MRS. GARRETT Well, you always do great on your exams. I’m sure you did well. (Miss Mahoney comes in with all of the girls following her to the bulletin board) MISS MAHONEY Well, Midterms are over! (She posts a paper on the board) You can all relax. You’ve got nothing to do for the next three months, but study for finals. MRS. GARRETT Miss Mahoney, will you please do me a favor? Tell these girls they did okay on their exams so they can relax. MISS MAHONEY I wish I could. I even double-checked your scores. NANCY We didn’t do so hot, huh? MISS MAHONEY You failed. Nancy, you obviously guessed at half the answers. NANCY I tightened up. I couldn’t think. MISS MAHONEY And Sue Ann. I didn’t even know where your mind was. You gave answers where there weren’t even questions. I don’t know what to say. (She leaves) MRS. GARRETT With all this I.Q fuss, no wonder you had such a rough time taking that test. Don’t worry, next time…. SUE ANN There won’t be a next time, Miss Garrett, because I’m going to leave Eastland! MRS. GARRETT What?? SUE ANN Who am I kidding? It’s just going to keep getting harder and I’m not up to it! MRS. GARRETT Nancy. Could you please help me talk some sense into her? NANCY I don’t think I’ll be very convincing, Miss Garrett. I’m going to leave Eastland, too. (COMMERCIAL) CUT TO: Classroom. Tootie is writing her sentence using ditto marks and singing “Toot Toot Tootie, Goodbye”. Mr. Bradley walks in. MR. BRADLEY Tootie. Dittos are not satisfactory. TOOTIE Dittos don’t slice it, huh? MR. BRADLEY Start over! TOOTIE (Erasing board) Can I help it if I’m years ahead of my time? (Miss Garrett, Nancy and Sue Ann come in) MRS. GARRETT Mr. Bradley. I’ve been looking all over for you. MR. BRADLEY Well, you found me. What do you want? MRS. GARRETT These girls are so upset with your I.Q. foolishness that they are packing to leave school! MR. BRADLEY Nancy? Sue Ann? What’s the matter? SUE ANN I’m not smart enough to be at Eastland. NANCY I can’t handle the pressure. MRS. GARRETT They both flunked the mid terms thanks to you. MR. BRADLEY Mrs. Garrett, I’m sorry that the girls did poorly on the test, but I don’t think we should go overboard and blame their I.Q.s. It would be dishonest to say that I.Q.’s meant nothing, and I don’t see any great harm in the girls knowing their scores. TOOTIE Does this mean I can go? (Rolling out) MR. BRADLEY Make it a round trip, Tootie (She goes back to the board) But we all can’t have the same I.Q.’s and if a girl has a lower score, then she know she’s gotta push as much harder to get the same results. It’s that simple. I’m not going too fast for you, am I Sue Ann? SUE ANN See, you’re just like the rest of them, Mr. Bradley. I’m ashamed of my I.Q. and I hate that everyone knows what it is. That’s why I’m leaving. NANCY Me, too. All of a sudden, everyone expects too much from me. (Miss Mahoney walks in) MISS MAHONEY Hello, what’s going on here? MRS. GARRETT Oh, we were just having a little discussion about I.Q.’s. MR. BRADLEY The girls were upset and it all started when everyone knew about everybody else’s I.Q.’s. I’m comforting them. MISS MAHONEY (Sarcastically) You’re making great progress. MRS. GARRETT Mr. Bradley, you know what would be really comforting to the girls? If you would share your I.Q. score with them. MR. BRADLEY Sure. I’ll write away to my grade school tomorrow morning. MRS. GARRETT What? I.Q.’s are so important and you don’t know yours? MR. BRADLEY Well, not offhand. MRS. GARRETT Really? Well then, we’re even. MR. BRADLEY Oh, I doubt that one score is bound to be higher than the other. MRS. GARRETT Or lower! MR. BRADLEY Anything is possible MRS. GARRETT Mr. Bradley, would you be bothered if my I.Q. was higher than yours? MR. BRADLEY (Laughs nervously) Of course not! MRS. GARRETT Good. Let’s take our I.Q. test together. Right now! MR. BRADLEY Well, I’d love to, but it’s impossible. The school doesn’t have any I.Q. tests. MISS MAHONEY Yes they do, Mr. Bradley. They sent us sample I.Q. tests with those scores you sent away for. MR. BRADLEY (Not hearing this) Thank you, Miss Mahoney. MRS. GARRETT (Happily takes a seat) Well, Let’s get started! MISS MAHONEY (Handing Mrs. Garrett a test) This is usually a written exam. It’ll be harder taking it orally. MRS. GARRETT It’s all right with me, Mr. Bradley. MR. BRADLEY Child’s play. (He takes his test and gets ready to sit next to Mrs. Garrett) MISS MAHONEY Very well, I’ll administer the exam (Before Mr. Bradley sits down) Uh, Mr. Bradley, sit there please (Indicating the rear desks) An open seat prevents temptation. (He sits at one of the desks uncomfortably) I’m going to read a set of five words. I want you to write down the two that are most similar. Ready? MRS. GARRETT Ready MR. BRADLEY Ready MISS MAHONEY “Pen, Chicken, Gold, Rifle, Paper” MR. BRADLEY Uh huh (He writes) MRS. GARRETT Uh huh (She writes) MISS MAHONEY Next set. Reme mber, the two that are most similar. “Tearing, Melting, Running, Burning, Canoeing”. MRS. GARRETT Of course! (Mr. Bradley fumbles a bit) MISS MAHONEY Pick a pair. “Singing, Coughing, Marching, Eating, Sleeping” MRS. GARRETT (Giggling to herself) They get easier. MR. BRADLEY Do you mind? (He thinks a bit, then raises his hand) MISS MAHONEY Yes, Mr. Bradley? MR. BRADLEY Was that singing, coughing, melting, canoeing? MISS MAHONEY No, Mr. Bradley. Melting and canoeing were on the previous set. (Mr. Bradley fumbles again, and then tries to sneak a peek at Mrs. Garrett’s paper) Do we have wandering eyes, Mr. Bradley? (Mr. Bradley sheepishly goes back to his seat) We are now moving to the vocabulary section. Write down the meaning of the following words: psuedorrific. MRS. GARRETT I never knew that word would come in handy. MR. BRADLEY (Pissed off) Mrs. Garrett. I object to your little murmuring. I am trying to take a test here! MISS MAHONEY Uh, could we continue? Write down the meaning of this world: octillion. MR. BRADLEY Octillion. Now there is a word! MRS. GARRETT Don’t put down a kind of dance because that’s a cotillion. MR. BRADLEY (Frustrated by this time) That’s it! This is over! This is totally ridiculous! This test does not mean a thing! (He throws his paper down) MRS. GARRETT I.Q. test don’t mean a thing, huh? Interesting theory. MR. BRADLEY Well, I was under pressure. This is not a normal testing situation. Okay, I choked. You may be right. It is possible for people to do poorly on an I.Q. test, even those of us who are exceptionally gifted. MRS. GARRETT You see, girls. I hope you were really listening. You can’t live life by the numbers. And that’s all an I.Q. really is. (She crumples her paper up) MISS MAHONEY In all the years they’ve given I.Q. tests, no one has really been able to prove that a high or low I.Q. score had anything to do with what a person can accomplish. MRS. GARRETT There you go! All right, girls. What really counts is how you use your abilities and how hard you try. Isn’t that right, Mr. Bradley, or are we going too fast for you? MR. BRADLEY Mrs. Garrett. If it would make anyone feel any better, you can post that test on your bulletin board. I’d like to have another chance at that test under normal conditions. MRS. GARRETT Great idea. And I assume the girls can take their mid term exams over again under normal conditions. SUE ANN Oh can we please? NANCY Oh, really? MR. BRADLEY Wonderful. I’m glad we thought of it. Miss Mahoney, you’ll do the honors. MISS MAHONEY Girls, it will be my pleasure. See me at 3:00. (She leaves) MR. BRADLEY Gotta fly. (Leaves the room as well) MRS. GARRETT Gotta fly. (Something pops into her mind) Fly? I’m late for my flying test! I gotta take off. All by myself. SUE ANN That’s right. Nancy, if Mrs. Garrett has the courage to fly a plane all by herself, we should at least be able to retake that history test with no problems. NANCY We’ll ace it! MRS. GARRETT Oh girls, You’ve inspired me. Watch out, Red Baron! Here I come! (she throws her scarf around her neck and leaves the room) Bye. NANCY I’ll bet this time I’ll get a 95 on the test. SUE ANN And I’ll bet I’ll get a 96. NANCY I’m glad things are back to normal. Hey, will you help me study? SUE ANN Sure, come on! They leave the room as the episode ends. |