| The Halloween Show |
| Script sent in by: Laura |
| The Facts of Life Season 5 Episode #87 "The Halloween Show" ACT ONE SCENE ONE FADE IN: INT. SHOP- DAY (WE SEE HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS. A SIGN STATES: "YOU'LL LOVE EDNA'S HOMEMADE WISCONSIN BRATWURST" (WITH A HEART FOR LOVE). JO AND BLAIR ARE PUTTING STRINGS OF BRATWURST IN THE REFRIGERATOR CASE. IN B.G. WE SEE A BROWSING CUSTOMER, MR. BIGLEY, A SIXTYISH NEW ENGLAND TYPE IN A YELLOW PLAID JACKET. TOOTIE WAITS ON A CUSTOMER. GARRETT ENTERS, CARRYING A LARGE TRAY OF BRATWURST. SHE LOOKS HARRIED. NATALIE FOLLOWS HER IN, FILMING EVERY MOVEMENT WITH A MOVIE CAMERA) NATALIE: Oh, this is great. Now take a moment Mrs. Garrett. Relate to the bratwurst. GARRETT: I don't have a moment. NATALIE: Good. I love that overworked, martyred look. GARRETT: It's not a look, it's my life. I've got three party platters to complete, my bratwurst orders are backed up and I'm running out of meat. How could the butchers go on strike in the middle of bratwurst season? NATALIE: Could you say that again? Only this time, face the camera. GARRETT: Natalie, I'm really flattered that you've chosen me and my bratwurst for your student film. But one out of my way, okay? I'm up to my esophagus in work. NATALIE: And cut - that's a wrap. You're released for the day. GARRETT: Thanks, then I'm free to go have my nervous breakdown? NATALIE: Actresses! (GARRETT HURRIES TOWARD KITCHEN. ROY ENTERS FROM KITCHEN, CARRYING EMPTY "DE FORREST" BAKERY TRAY) ROY: I dumped your buns in the kitchen, Mrs. Garrett. You'll get the rest tomorrow. GARRETT: If I live that long. (AND GARRETTS GONE. ROY SEEES JO WITH STRINGS OF BRATWURST) ROY: Jo, you give me such ideas. Like "linking" up later. (ROY LINKS HIS ARM IN JO'S) Right, my little sausage? JO: (DISTANGLING HER ARM) Wrong, you weenie. ROY: I love it when you put me in my place. (EXCITING, HE NOTICES BIGLEY'S LOUD JACKET) Hey, nice pattern. I've got the same thing in a couch. (AND ROY IS GONE. TOOTIE MOVES TO BIGLEY) TOOTIE: Yes sir, can I help you? BIGLEY: (LOOKING AROUND STORE) Amazing. JO: What? BIGLEY: It's amazing the way you've changed "The Old Gruber Place." I lived in Peekskill as a boy. This used to be a house. No, a landmark. TOOTIE: Really? We're an historical landmark? Did George Washington sleep here? BLAIR: Not if he had my mattress. BIGLEY: You girls are pulling my leg. You know what happened here. "The Halloween Massacre." NATALIE: What massacre? (TOOTIE DROPS A BAG OF CANDY) BIGLEY: I guess you don't know. Let me see, yes, it happened back in "aught five," when this place was the home of the four old maid Gruber sisters. NATALIE: "Old maid?" That's a very sexist term, but go on. BIGLEY: One Halloween night, Gertrude, the mean one, got into a terrible argument with Heidi and Helga and Fritzi. You could hear the "dummkopf's" and "schweinhunds" for blocks. Suddenly, the voices stopped. BLAIR: Why? JO: That's where the massacre part comes in, dummkopf. BIGLEY: Yep. Oh, yes. The way I heard it, old Gertie got Heidi and Helga and Fritzi with a big butcher knife. Never heard in what order. They took "Grisly Gertie" away the next day but folks say she never really left, if you know what I mean. (BIGLEY WINKS) BLAIR: (SHE WINKS BACK) I have no idea what you mean. BIGLEY: Well, unexplained things started happening, like Gertrude's bedroom, the one in the back, got much colder than the rest of the house. TOOTIE: That's Mrs. Garrett's bedroom. Remember how she complained how cold it was last night? JO: Big deal, her bedroom faces north. A cold room's not that strange. BIGLEY: True…until the folks who sleep in the room start to lose their minds. The way I heard it, there's been five over the years - all women, all crazy. (GARRETT ENTERS WITH ANOTHER LOAD OF BRATWURST, SEES THE GIRLS GATHERED AROUND BIGLEY) GARRETT: What's everyone standing around for? We've got work to do. TOOTIE: It'll wait, Mrs. Garrett. Did you know this used to be the Old Gruber Place? BIGLEY: There was this terrible massacre. Blood all over the walls. Is that bratwurst any good? GARRETT: It's the best. BIGLEY: That's easy to say. The name's Bigley. I'm at the motel down the street. I'll pick up five pounds of it tomorrow on my way to the airport. Eleven, sharp. GARRETT: It will be waiting for you. BIGLEY: We'll see. (HE BUTTONS HIS COLLAR) Shouldn't you turn on the heat in here? It's freezing. (BIGLEY EXITS) GARRETT: Why did I take that order? I'm running out of meat already. (GARRETT EXITS) TOOTIE: (LOOKS AFTER GARRETT) Guys, I don't think I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight. NATALIE: Of course you'll sleep. You're not in "Grisly Gertie's" room. TOOTIE: No, it's worse. I'm in Heidi, Helga, and Fritzi's room. (THE GIRLS REACT, AS WE) DISSOLVE TO: (WARDROBE CHANGE) ACT ONE SCENE TWO INT. GIRLS' BEDROOM - DAWN (THE ROOM IS DARK. JO, NATALIE AND BLAIR ARE ASLEEP IN BED. TOOTIE DOZES IN A CHAIR. THE DOOR SQUEEKS AS IT OPENS AND A SHADOWY FIGURE ENTERS - IT'S GARRETT. A GLINT OF LIGHT REFLECTS OFF THE BUTCHER KNIFE SHE CARRIES. TOOTIE SEES THE FIGURE AND THE KNIFE AND SCREAMS). TOOTIE/GARRETT: Ahh! (GARRETT FLIPS ON THE LIGHT AS THE GIRLS WAKE WITH A START) TOOTIE: Mrs. Garrett, I thought you were Grisly Gertie with that knife! GARRETT: Why are you sleeping in that chair? TOOTIE: I was nervous. I wanted to sleep closer to the door. NATALIE: Mrs. Garrett, your joke worked a lot better this time. GARRETT: What joke? NATALIE: Aw, c'mon, last night when you stood over my bed at 3 a.m. sharpening that knife, doing a terrific "Grisly Gertie." (GERMAN ACCENT) "Helga, you vill learn, yah, some rezpect for you olter zister." (THE GIRLS LAUGH) Great joke. GARRETT: I wasn't in here at all last night, and I'm in no mood for jokes. BLAIR: Then what are you doing with that butcher knife? GARRETT: I don't know. It was in the bathroom, next to my toothbrush. Now I need you girls to get downstairs and help me in the store. JO: But it's only 6:30. GARRETT: I know, but I need you to make the salads. I have to go out and scrounge up some meat. I may have to get creative. (GARRETT EXITS) TOOTIE: I've never seen her like that. JO: She didn't even say "Have a nice day." BLAIR: Natalie, you were kidding about Mrs. Garrett coming in, weren't you? (NATALIE SHAKES HER HEAD NO) Then you were dreaming? NATALIE: Hey anything's possible. But when I dream about someone standing over my bed, it's gonna be Rick Springfield. TOOTIE: (FEARFULLY) This is serious, guys. What if Grisly Gertie's spirit really is affecting Mrs. Garrett? BLAIR: Please, Tootie. You've been seeing too many horror movies. TOOTIE: It's got nothing to do with movies. If Natalie was dreaming last night… (SHE PICKS UP A LADY'S SLIPPER FROM THE FLOOR) What is Mrs. Garrett's slipper doing here? (ON TOOTIE'S FRIGHTENED EXPRESSION, WE) DISSOLVE TO: (WARDROBE CHANGE) ACT ONE SCENE THREE INT. SHOP - NIGHT (IT'S ALMOST 6 PM, HALLOWEEN NIGHT. IT'S STILL LIGHT OUTSIDE. ON THE COUNTER IS A SIGN: "OPEN TONIGHT TILL EIGHT FOR TRICK OR TREATERS." TOOTIE, JO AND BLAIR ARE DOING SOME WORK) SFX: A LOUD WHINE OF A KNIFE SHARPENER TOOTIE: Hear that? She's sharpening her knives again. I'm convinced, that woman's possessed. BLAIR: (LONG SUFFERINGLY) Tootie. TOOTIE: Don't "Tootie" me! Poor Mrs. Garrett's a textbook case of possession. JO: Oh, and how do you know? TOOTIE: I've got the textbook. (TOOTIE PRODUCES A SMALL, OLD BOOK. BLAIR LOOKS AT IT) BLAIR: Let me see that. You checked out a book on the supernatural? TOOTIE: Four of them. Mrs. Garrett's got all the symptoms. Sleeping in the presence of a cold evil spirit. She's forgetful, she's lying, she's got a glint in her eyes. JO: Calm down, Tootie. TOOTIE: How can I calm down? Mrs. Garrett's in trouble. There must be something in one of my books to help her. (TOOTIE EXITS) BLAIR: It's Halloween. You know how kids get. (FRONT DOOR OPENS AND TWO SMALL CHILDREN ENTER IN COSTUME, ALONG WITH KELLY DRESSED AS "LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE") KELLY: (IN A LITTLE GIRL'S VOICE) Trick or treat? BLAIR: Come in. You all look so cute. (GETS TRAY OF GOODIES, TO KELLY) You sure are a big "Annie." KELLY: Vitamins. BLAIR: (SHE STARTS TO GIVE GOODIES TO SMALL KIDS) Some for the little ones --- (KELLY STEPS IN FRONT, OPENS HER BAG) KELLY: You can put it all in here. It gets heavy for 'em. I'll divvy it later. (JO HAS BEEN WATCHING SUSPICIOUSLY) JO: Hold it! (SHE LIFTS THE "ANNIE" WIG, REVEALING KELLY) That's the punk who's been shoplifting around here. BLAIR: She tried to steal our escargot. JO: And everything else that wasn't nailed down. KELLY: (A LITTLE WAVE) Happy Halloween. (JO REACHES INTO KELLY'S BAG AND TRANSFERS LARGE HANDFULS INTO THE KIDS' BAGS) JO: It will be, when I even things out. Taking candy from babies. That's low. KELLY: I've done lower. JO: Now, hit the bricks. KELLY: (PULLING ON WIG, TO JO) Boy, if you're this rotten at Halloween, I'm not going to "come a-wassailing" at Christmas. (KELLY AND THE KIDS EXIT. NATALIE ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM, CARRYING A BAG, WHICH SHE OPENS AND PULLS OUT BIGLEY'S LOUD YELLOW-CHECKED JACKET) NATALIE: Take a look at this. BLAIR: It' hardly "you," Natalie. NATALIE: (URGENTLY, POINTS TO NAME TAG) It's Mr. Bigley's. I found it in the trash behind the shop, along with this. (NATALIE PRODUES THE BUTCHER KNIFE) BLAIR: That's funny. I just saw his package of bratwurst. He never picked it up. NATALIE: I know. That's why I decided to call his motel down the block. You know what I found out? JO: I hate it when you play "Columbo." NATALIE: They're looking for Mr. Bigley too. He was supposed to check out at noon and his luggage is still there, including an airline ticket to Augusta, Maine, on a plane that left five hours ago. (TOOTIE ENTERS FROM LIVING ROOM, CARRYING ARMFULS OF CANDLES, AND DISTRIBUTES THEM AROUND THE ROOM) BLAIR: Tootie, what are you doing? TOOTIE: My book says this is how you exorcise evil spirits. You light candles in every corner of the room. NATALIE: That's not exorcism. That's Chanukah. (SHE HOLDS UP BIGLEY'S JACKET) Look at this. TOOTIE: I love it, Nat. You can handle bold patterns. BLAIR: It's Mr. Bigley's. Natalie found it in the trash, along with this. (BLAIR HOLDS UP THE BUTCHER KNIFE) TOOTIE: (FEARING THE ANSWER) So, uh…what happened to Mr. Bigley? (GARRETT ENTERS, CARRYING A BRATWURST SANDWICH, A STRING OF BRATWURST AROUND HER NECK) GARRETT: (RELIEVED) I've got the meat! 25 pounds. BLAIR: Where did you get it from? GARRETT: Beats me. I opened the ice box and there it was - staring me in the face. The delivery man must have dropped it off. TOOTIE: What about the strike? GARRETT: Who knows? Maybe they settled. But I'm not looking gift meat in the mouth. Anyway, I mixed up a new batch of bratwurst. Who wants the first bite? (BLAIR, NATALIE AND TOOTIE EXCHANGE FEARFUL GLANCES) JO: Me, I'm starved. (GARRETT HANDS JO THE SANDWICH) GARRETT: Good old Jo. I can always count on you. It's a little different this time. Tell me how you like it. (THE GIRLS WATCH AGHAST, AS JO TAKES A BIG BITE) Well? JO: Better than ever. It's got a new something in it. TOOTIE: (SOTTO, TO NATALIE) Or "someone." BLAIR: Speaking of bratwurst, has Mr. Bigley been in to pick up his order yet? GARRETT: He never showed up this morning. Oh well, that's five more pounds we can sell to someone else. (GARRETT EXITS) TOOTIE: Jo, how can you go on eating that with poor Mr. Bigley missing? (JO CHEWS AWAY, UNPERTURBED) Say something. JO: It could use some mustard. BLAIR: Of course. Mr. Bigley looked good in yellow. JO: Will you guys give me a break. (JO SQUEEZES SOME MUSTARD ON THE BRATWURST AS ROY ENTERS. HE IS DRESSED IN BLACK AND WEARS A HORRIBLE MASK AND RUBBER HANDS. HE LAUGHS SCARILY) BLAIR: Roy, I'm glad to see you. (CRESTFALLEN, ROY TAKES OFF THE MASK) Remember the old man who was wearing this jacket yesterday? ROY: Sure. He's got great taste, huh? BLAIR: We hope not. JO: Have you seen him since yesterday? ROY: Yeah, in here, about eleven this morning, on my regular bun run. Why? TOOTIE: Are you positive? ROY: Absolutely. He had that jacket on and he told Mrs. Garrett he was here for his bratwurst. They bickered awhile, and then she took him back to the kitchen. Why? NATALIE: Did he come out? ROY: Sure, I guess. I left. He had to come out, eventually. BLAIR: One way or the other. (ROY REACTS CONFUSED) JO: I don't believe the way you guys are jumping to conclusions. What hard evidence have you got? A cold room, Mrs. G's slipper, Mr. Bigley's jacket, a butcher knife, 25 pounds of mystery meat. (SLIGHT DOUBT) It adds up, doesn't it? (JO LOOKS AT THE BRATWURST SANDWICH. IT HAS LOST ITS APPEAL. WE) FADE OUT: END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO SCENE ONE FADE IN: INT. STORE - NIGHT (IT'S VERY DARK OUTSIDE. TOOTIE'S CANDLES HAVE BEEN BURNING FOR A WHILE. A FEW LIGHTED JACK-O-LANTERNS ADD TO THE EERIE FEELING OF THE STORE. THE GIRLS ARE THERE) (GARRETT ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A MEAT CLEAVER) GARRETT: Girls, I'm in trouble. I just got an order from a supermarket in Tarrytown for all the bratwurst I can turn out! NATALIE: Does that mean you're gonna need more meat? GARRETT: Pounds and pounds. BLAIR: Oh, dear. (THE FRONT DOOR OPENS, JINGLING, AND A BOY (6) AND A GIRL (8) ENTER, DRESSED AS HANSEL AND GRETEL, CARRYING BAGS) HANSEL: Trick or treat. GARRETT: Well, who do we have here? GRETEL: I'm Gretel, he's Hansel. GARRETT: I knew that. You look good enough to eat. (THE KIDS GIGGLE. THE GIRLS REACT) You know the story of Hansel and Gretel? HANSEL: Sure. (GARRETT REACHES FOR THE GOODIE BASKET) GARRETT: Good, because I'm going to fatten you two up and pop you in the oven. (GARRETT LAUSHS AND THE KIDS GIGGLE) GRETEL: Okay. (JO AND BLAIR MOVE IN, WORRIED) JO: We're out of candy. Goodbye, kids. BLAIR: (HANDS THE KIDS CARDBOARD BOX) Yes, here's some pasta. HANSEL: Mmm, I smell something good. GRETEL: Me too. Is that coming form the kitchen? (THE KIDS TAKE A STEP TOWARD THE KITCHEN) GARRETT: Yes, I have something in the oven, but you don't want to go in there. HANSEL: Oh, please, just one little peak. GRETEL: And then one little bite? GARRETT: How can I say no to Hansel and Gretel. Come on. (GARRETT REACHES HER HAND OUT TO THE KIDS, BUT JO GRABS THEM FIRST) JO: Don't! Are you kids nuts!? Run, run! (SHE PUSHES THE KIDS OUT THE DOOR AND CLOSES IT AFTER THEM) GARRETT: Jo! I know you're not crazy about little kids but it's Halloween. It's supposed to be their night. JO: Mrs. G., I didn't mean to spoil things. GARRETT: Well, it's too late now, isn't it? (GARRETT LOCKS THE DOOR, FLIPS "OPEN" SIGN TO "CLOSED" AND STARTS TURNIGN OFF LIGHTS) TOOTIE: What are you doing? GARRETT: Closing up. It's eight o'clock. Time to go to work on the bratwurst. I'm going to need all of you for this. (THE GIRLS REACT) Turn off the rest of the lights. I'll sharpen the knives and the cleaver. (GARRETT EXITS TO KITCHEN) JO: Now let's not panic. There's four of us and only one of her. TOOTIE: I don't like those odds. A person possessed has the strength of ten. SFX: THE LOUD WHINE OF A KNIFE BEING SHARPENED (BLAIR WHIMPERS) JO: Blair, in horror movies, the whimperer always gets it first. (BLAIR WHIMPERS ONCE) The important thing is we've got to stick together. (GARRETT ENTERS, WITH A LARGE KNIFE) GARRETT: All right, let's throw ourselves into this. I'll start off with Natalie and Tootie. BLAIR: No, no, Mrs. Garrett. We've made a pact to stay together. GARRETT: But I can't use you all at once. (INDICATING JO AND BLAIR) You two can clean up out here. (JO AND BLAIR QUICKLY GRAB BROOMS, HOLDING THEM LIKE WEAPONS) JO: I'll buy that. GARRETT: (TO NATALIE) And Natalie and Tootie can help me with the bratwurst. (SHE MOVES TOWARD NATALIE, HOLDING THE KNIFE. NATALIE BACKS AWAY) NATALIE: Sounds like fun, Mrs. Garrett, but I've been kind of sick lately. I wouldn't make good bratwurst. GARRETT: Natalie, I'm not expecting you to cook. (SHE GOES TO TOOTIE) TOOTIE: I can't help you either. I've got to study for finals. GARRETT: In October? TOOTIE: Sure, they're doing finals earlier this semester so they won't seem so final. GARRETT: Look, I know goofing around when I see it. Now, into the kitchen! Let's get this thing over with. NATALIE: Mrs. Garrett, you've been working too hard. (GARRETT STARTS FOR THE KITCHEN DOOR, BEHIND THE GIRLS. THEY SCATTER) GARRETT: That's because you won't. Now get in there. (NATALIE AND TOOTIE GRAB LONG FRENCH BREADS FOR PROTECTION) TOOTIE: Uh-uh. GARRETT: What's going on here? TOOTIE: You're not turning this brat into bratwurst. GARRETT: Girls, will you stop this? I'm really getting miffed. JO: Just give me the knife and we'll talk about it. NATALIE: Careful, she's clever. GARRETT: (HANDING IT TO JO) Here. But will someone tell me what's going on? BLAIR: First, why don't you tell us what you did with Mr. Bigley? GARRETT: Mr. Bigley? What is all this talk about Mr. Bigley? TOOTIE: Mrs. Garrett, he's been missing all day. He was seen here earlier and we found his jacket in the trash. GARRETT: So? NATALIE: So, that's all we found. We know what happened to Mr. Bigley. How can I put this delicately?… BLAIR: You can't. Mrs. G., facts are facts. Right after Bigley disappeared, your bratwurst runneth over. GARRETT: Bigley in my bratwurst?! Are you girls crazy?! JO: We asked you first. TOOTIE: It's not your fault. "The possessee" is always the last to know. BLAIR: I can arrange a really top drawer exorcism for you. Mother knows all the biggies at St. Patrick's Cathedral. (SUDDENLY BIGLEY ENTERS) BIGLEY: Hi there. (GARRET AND THE GIRLS REACT IN SHOCK) BLAIR: Mr. Bigley?! TOOTIE: You're alive! GARRETT: Of course he's alive. Where have you been? You wouldn't believe what I've just been accused of. BIGLEY: Natalie, I hope I didn't mess things up, but I need my jacket. JO: Mess what up? Hold it Natalie. How come Mr. Bigley knows your name? NATALIE: I look like a Natalie? JO: Not for long. What's going on here? GARRETT: Jo, how could Natalie be involved with something this crazy? (SHE LOOKS AT NATALIE) Natalie? NATALIE: Mrs. Garrett, y'know, it might help to look at this as a case of "creativity unleashed." GARRETT: I don't think so. NATALIE: I don't either. Okay, I'll bite the bullet. I made "The Halloween Massacre" up. GARRETT: You made it up?! BIGLEY: Yep, you sure did. BLAIR: There's no "Grisly Gertie?" TOOTIE: No Heidi? No Helga? NATALIE: No Fritzi. BIGLEY: And no Mr. Bigley. The name's Lazzeroni. I was good, wasn't I? I'm the caretaker at the town cemetery but my first love has really always been the theatre. (TO GARRETT) You thought I was an old crank, didn't you? That was acting. I'm really a very mellow guy. (HE TAKES HIS JACKET) Ciao. (HE EXITS) GARRETT: (GLARES AT NATALIE) Talk, Natalie! NATALIE: I did if for my student film project. I got this idea to do a horror movie live as it happened. GARRETT: And your script called for a murderess and I was it?! NATALIE: Right. I planted clues all over the place to make the girls believe you were possessed. It wasn't easy. GARRETT: That's comforting. NATALIE: But a slipper - a knife - 25 pounds of meat - I finally convinced them. BLAIR: She did not. TOOTIE: We didn't believe it for a second. JO: We were kidding, Mrs. G. GARRETT: You could have fooled me. NATALIE: I got some neat footage. Oops, I forgot my camera man. (CALLING) And cut. Okay, come on out. (A GRINNING ROY APPEARS FROM A HIDING PLACE, THEN ENTERS, CARRYING NATALIE'S CAMERA) ROY: Ready when you are, N.G. JO: You gave us all this grief just for some dumb movie? (NATALIE BACKS AWAY FEARFULLY) TOOTIE: And scared the daylights out of me. BLAIR: You want to talk worry lines? (BLAIR FEELS HER FOREHEAD. ALL THREE GIRLS ARE ADVANCING ANGRILY TOWARD NATALIE) NATALIE: (BACKING AWAY) Guys, this is what memories are made of. Someday we'll laugh about this. Not soon… GARRETT: Girls, wait. No matter how selfish, manipulative and (SHE THINKS) JO: Stupid. GARRETT: Thank you…"stupid", Natalie has acted, she wasn't totally lying. NATALIE: I wasn't?! GARRETT: The legend is true. It is Halloween… (HER HANDS CLUTCH MEANINGFULLY) …and there will be a murder in this house tonight. (AS GARRETT LUNGES TOWARD NATALIE AND SHE REACTS AND COWERS, WE) FREEZE FRAME END OF SHOW |