Season 5
Episode 91
"Store Games"
The parts in red are the parts the Hallmark Chanell cut out.
The parts in blue are the parts Nick at Nite cut out.
(Scene opens with Mrs. Garrett, Blair, Jo, and Tootie in the store)
Jo: Mrs. G, we’re in trouble here. When you make 36 croissants a day and only sell 3, your business is going down the tubes.
Mrs. Garrett: Oh, we’re just having a lull.
Tootie: Try a coma.
Jo: I don’t know what we’re doing wrong here, but if we wanna keep flying, we gotta go no frills. You know that fancy, new digital cash register you ordered?
Mrs. Garrett: Yes……………I’ll cancel it.
Jo: Good. Now come in here and I’ll show you the next thing that goes.
Mrs. Garrett: I hate it when things have to go!!!
Jo: Mrs. G…
(Jo and Mrs. Garrett walk into the living room)
Jo: That goes.
Mrs. Garrett: You want me to get rid of Natalie?!?!?
Jo: The computer you’re renting for $160 a month. We can’t afford it.
Natalie: Hey, not so fast! You can’t dump Dirk!
Mrs. Garrett: Why do you keep calling the computer Dirk?
Natalie: I told you. At computer camp they old us to develop a personal relationship with our module.
Jo: I don’t care if you and your module are engaged. We can’t afford a computer.
Mrs. Garrett: But Natalie and I have fed the whole bookkeeping system into Dirk.
Natalie: And our recipes too.
Jo: Fine, but if business doesn’t pick up in a week, Dirk dies.
(The bell rings)
Mrs. Garrett: A customer!
(Mrs. Garrett and Jo run into the store. Kelly walks in with a stack of newspapers)
Kelly: Hey Mrs. Garrett. Jo.
Mrs. Garrett: It’s only you.
Kelly: You’re that glad to see me?
Mrs. Garrett: I’m sorry Kelly, I was hoping for someone with purchasing power.
Kelly: That’ll be me. Soon. Look!
(Shows newspapers)
Blair: Don’t tell me. You mugged the paperboy.
Kelly: I am the paperboy. Jo, I’ve gone straight. I’m working hard for the money. Aren’t you proud of me?
Jo: Yea, beat it.
Kelly: I know why everybody’s so grumpy today. I heard your business is deader than disco.
Tootie: Where’d you hear that?
Mrs. Garrett: It’s not true! (Laughs) But where’d you hear it?
Kelly: Hey, I’m wired. Pete’s Deli, a few blocks over, has been getting all of your customers.
Jo: What?!?!?
Blair: How? That’s a delicatessen. We’re a gourmet food shop.
Kelly: Yesterday, Pete put up a new sign. Pete’s Deli and Gourmet Food Shop.
Jo: I knew it wasn’t our fault. Pete’s moving in on our turf! I’m gonna have to go over there and break his knees.
Mrs. Garrett: Jo, leave Pete’s knees alone. I’m sure he’s not trying to put us out of business. But Kelly, what is he trying to do?
Kelly: Put you out of business was real close. Whenever a new food place moves into town, Pete copies their product and undersells them.
Tootie: Is this another one of your stories?
Kelly: Yea, but this one’s true. When the Armeanean food store opened up here, Pete started selling falafel on a stick. Well, good luck!
(Kelly walks out saying “Extra! Extra!”)
Mrs. Garrett: Now girls lets not panic. We may be down, but we’re not out. After all, we’re catering the Russell wedding this Saturday.
Tootie: Mrs. Garrett, one wedding is not enough.
Blair: My mother shares that view.
Jo: I’m gonna go and check this Pete out. Do a little comparison-shopping. Drop a few threats.
Mrs. Garrett: Forget it! Empty threats aren’t going to solve anything.
Jo: Who says they’re gonna be empty?
Mrs. Garrett: But that’s not the answer Jo! Business was good. Maybe I got a little complacent. I’ve been relying too much on my personal charm. What we need is some, some dynamic, new, taste thrill.
Blair: Like what?
Mrs. Garrett: Like…my famous Wisconsin cheese puffs! They were the hit of the 1960 State Fair!
Jo: No offense here Mrs. G, but big deal. Pete has got your cash flow down to a slow drip.
Mrs. Garret: Not anymore! You know what they say. When the going gets tough, the tough get cooking! (Winks)
(Mrs. Garrett runs into the kitchen)
Jo: Alright, we got a crisis here and Mrs. G is too nice to handle it. But I’m not. We gotta find out Pete’s next move and stop him.
Tootie: I know how to do it! Garbology!
Jo: Garbology?
Tootie: The scandal sheets use it all the time! They go through celebrity’s garbage and learn everything about them!
Blair: That’s disgusting!
Tootie: You give me 24 hours in Pete’s garbage, and I’ll tell you everything you need to know about him and a lot more!
Blair: I think I’ve got a more sanitary way of getting Pete’s secrets.
Jo: Well at this point, I’ll listen to any idea. Even yours.
Blair: Pete is a man, isn’t he? All I have to do it bat my eyelashes, toss my hair, and reduce him to silly putty.
Jo: Just might work Blair. If he doesn’t throw up first.
(Commercial cuts in)
(Scene opens with Blair walking into Pete’s Deli)
Woman: Pete! Are my dozen croissants ready?
Pete: Sure as a cow chews its scud. Here ya go darlin’.
Woman: Ooh, I hope these are as good as at Edna’s Edibles.
Pete: Oh Mam……Pete’s cracker-barrel croissants are to kiss the fingers. Woman: (Laughs)
Pete: Heh, heh, heh. Now listen, let me let in on a little secret. In every fifty of one of these croissants, I went done baked a crisp new ten-dollar bill.
Woman: Really? Then I’ll take two dozen!
Pete: You got ‘em! Thank ya kindly! Another dozen frog rolls!
(Woman leaves the counter and bumps into Blair)
Woman: Oh hi! You’re from Edna’s Edibles! Ah, I just came in to pick up a few things. I still go to Edna’s for all my regular gourmet needs.
Pete: Here ya go sweetheart! Now y’all come back soon, ya hear?
Woman: I will! Bye bye!
(Woman exits)
Pete: So…………you are from Edna’s Edibles. Well I’ll be a busted banjo string. What’s you’re name honeypie?
Blair: Blair Warner.
Pete: Blair? You know when I was a little boy I had a pony named Blair. Oh it was the prettiest little horse ya ever did see.
Blair: (Giggles) Thank you!
Pete: I cried for days when my daddy had her shot for glue. So what can I do for ya?
Blair: Well, uh……Mr. Pete, it seems you’re competing in the same market as we are!
Pete: Am I? Well I didn’t mean to! I swear I didn’t!
Blair: Confess now. You’re selling gourmet foods.
Pete: Well that’s true. Ain’t no denying that. But look here, you people are peddling bratwurst. And that is in deli country.
Blair: Tell you what. We’ll stop selling bratwurst, if you stop selling croissants.
Pete: Well I don’t know. It seems like we’re working both sides of the creek in the catering business too.
Blair: Well, we can fix that. What if you cater all the cookouts and picnics you want, and we’ll stick to all the weddings and more formal functions.
Pete: Boy I bet you cook up some specials eats for those fanciful functions, don’t you?
Blair: I’ll say. For the Russell wedding this weekend, we’re even making Edna’s special cheese puffs.
Pete: Woody Russell’s kid getting hitched? Ah, I remember when she was in pigtails and patent leather. (Laughs) Cheese puffs? Well……angelface, you make a lot of sense. You got yourself a deal.
Blair: Really?
Pete: Uh-huh.
Blair: I must admit. You’re a lot more reasonable than I thought you were gonna be.
Pete: Well thank you! I reckon. (laughs) Y’all come back soon, ya hear?
Blair: Bye……Pete!
(Blair exits)
Pete: (Picks up the phone and dials) Woody Russell? Pete Dawson Here. Oh can’t complain. Listen Woody, what’s this I hear about you hiring Edna’s Edibles to cater little Shelly’s wedding? You do remember a couple years back don’t ya Woody when I pulled you out from under that burning truck. Yea I thought maybe you would. Alright go ahead.
(Scene changes to Edna’s Edibles with Mrs. Garrett, Jo, and Blair in the shop. Mrs. Garrett is on the phone)
Mrs. Garrett: OHHHHH!!! OOOOOOH! (phone) I don’t believe it! Woody Russell just gave my wedding job to Pete’s Deli!
Jo: What?!?!? Why would he change his mind?
Mrs. Garrett: Seems like old Pete pulled him out from under a truck. I’d love to SHOVE him back under there!!!
Jo: (Towards Blair) How would Pete find out about the wedding?
Mrs. Garrett: Alright Pete, no more Edna nice guy. Oh no. I got to get those cheese puffs off of the backburner, and into the oven.
(Mrs. Garrett walks into the kitchen)
Blair: I better go help her!
Jo: I repeat! How did he find about the wedding? Blair!
Blair: You mean, you actually think I told him?
Jo: Yea.
Blair: Ok, I told him. It just slipped out! The man is deceiving and, flattering. He told me I reminded him of his pony.
Jo: Which end? What else, “slipped out?”
Blair: Nothing
Jo: Nothing!
Blair: Nothing…That I can remember.
Jo: Blair, that wedding was gonna keep us open another month, now, I don’t know what we’re gonna do.
Blair: I do. I’m going back over to Pete’s deli and spy on his every move. And this time, I guarantee you, he will not make a fool of Blair Warner.
Jo: Why? You gonna change your name?
Blair: Maybe…
(Tootie come in the shop)
Jo: Where you been?
Tootie: Investigating.(starts to walk by Jo)
Jo: Whoa, wait a minute, what is that smell?
Tootie: (Innocently) I don’t smell anything.
Jo: It’s you, you’re a little ripe.
Tootie: Well, I’ve been through Pete’s garbage.
Jo: Yea? What’d you find?
Tootie: Garbage.
(Nat enters)
Nat: You guys I’ve got somethin’ to-wow did someone die in here?
Jo: Tootie was in the trash.
Nat: Weren’t there any leaves to play in?(short pause while audience laughs) you guys, follow me, Dirk and I have something big to show you!
Jo: Alright, Nat, but this better be good. I’m in a bad mood, and Tootie smells!
Natalie: Ok. What do you think?
Tootie: About what?
Natalie: This is Pete’s data.
Jo: Pete’s data? What are you talking about?
Natalie: Pete has a computer. And Dirk and I broke through!
Tootie: Natalie! That’s invasion of privacy!
Natalie: What do you call going though a guy’s garbage?
Jo: What kind of information do ya got here?
Natalie: Oh everything! His books, his orders. Here’s his croissant recipe. Oh look, he misspelled croissant! (Types on the keyboard) But I’ll fix that! See, I just correct the word, connect to Pete’s computer, press delete, and save, and all better.
Jo: Hold it, you mean you can change anything around on his program just like that?
Natalie: Sure, what?
Jo: Do you mean that we can change numbers and screw up his orders and his recipes?
Natalie: Piece of cake.
Jo: Yea, screw up his cake too! Move over Nat!
(Jo Sits down at the computer)
Tootie: Jo, you’re tampering with his computer! That’s against the law!
Jo: Look, if things keep going the way they’re going, Mrs. G. is gonna to be out of business and we’re gonna be out on the street. At least now we have the weapon to fight back. Alright Dirk, let’s get to work. What do we do Nat?
(Commercial cuts in)
(Mrs. G comes into the living room and the girls stand against the screen)
Mrs. G: STOP WHAT you’re doing. (the girls jump) I want you to take my first batch of Wisconsin cheese puffs. (girls sigh) Well? What do you think?
Jo: Very cheesy.
Tootie: Very Puffy.
Nat: Very…Wisconsiny.
Mrs. G: VERY GOOOOOOD! Well, go back and do what you were doing…what were you doing.
Tootie: Uhh, playing a video game.
Mrs. G: Which one?
Nat: It’s called Bag lady. You zoom through the universe collecting string.
(Mrs. G leaves)
Jo: Okay Nat, get Pete’s data back. (laughs) I wanna sabotage his potato salad.
Natalie: Uh………hold it, something’s wrong. Jo, how’d you shut off Dirk?
Jo: I dunno. I just started pressing buttons.
Natalie: Everything on his disk has disappeared! You’ve erased it!
Jo: Well, I was almost through anyway.
Natalie: Jo you erased it for good. If Pete tries to call on one of his recipes, he’ll be starring at a blank screen.
Tootie: Well now you’ve done it! I read in Newsweek about some kids who got in trouble about this kind of thing.
Natalie: Great, maybe we’ll make the cover of Prison Life.
(They stare at the computer trying to find a way to fix it. Scene changes to the shop with Mrs. Garrett, Natalie, Blair, Tootie, and Jo)
Woman: Oh these cheese puffs are wonderful! I’ll take a dozen.
Mrs. Garrett: Oh you won’t be sorry! So uh, you wouldn’t call the Russell wedding a total success?
Woman: If I called it a total failure, I’d be kind.
Mrs. Garrett: Oh…
Woman: Little Shelly was pretty enough but the food was the pits.
Mrs. Garrett: Really?
Woman: Oh Edna, I could have made a better spinach suflette. It tasted like Pete made up the recipes as he went along!
Mrs. Garrett: (laughs) Oh I’m so sorry to hear that. Well it’s good to see you again and have a nice day! (laughs)
(A cop enters the shop)
Cop: Hi Mrs. Garret. Girls. How’s life in the food lane?
Mrs. Garrett: Officer Ziachons. What a pleasant surprise.
Cop: Pleasant for me too. This is the tastiest stop on my route.
Mrs. Garrett: Now that you mention it, why not taste one of our freshly baked cheese puffs.
Cop: That’s why I mentioned it, thanks. (eats one) mmm
Natalie: It is so nice to have our neighborhood police officer drop by on a purely sociable visit.
Cop: Yea, I’ll have to try that sometime. but, right now I’m here to lay this silly summons on you.
Mrs. Garrett: Summons?
Cop: Afraid so. Chief wants you to come down to the station and discuss some charges Pete Dawson made against you.
Mrs. Garrett: I don’t understand. What have I done wrong?
Cop: I gotta deal with the chief. I don’t conduct investigations and he doesn’t sleep in my patrol car. He did say something about computer tampering.
Mrs. Garrett: Computer tampering?
Cop: Yea. Knowing you, it’s gotta be a mistake, right? I mean you wouldn’t do anything that could get you to the big house would you?
Mrs. Garrett: Of course not. It’s ridiculous. It’s outrageous.
Cop: That’s what I thought. Be there in an hour, okay? Oh……primo puffs.
(Cop exits the shop)
Tootie: (Towards Jo) Mrs. Garrett’s being arrested! I hope you’re happy! (Towards Mrs. Garrett) This wasn’t my idea! I’m innocent!
Natalie: And I’m fairly innocent! I just wanted to take a peek at Pete’s data, not tamper with it.
Mrs. Garrett: Yea, well the three of you better start explaining, fast.
Jo: Oh look, he had it coming. All I wanted to do was use our computer and screw up his recipes.
Mrs. Garrett: That’s all you wanted to do?
Jo: Yea! I mean wiping out his whole program was an accident.
Mrs. Garrett: You wiped out his program?!?!?
Natalie: Mrs. Garrett, under the circumstances I think we’re more to be pitied at than to be yelled at.
Mrs. Garrett: What you did was a crime!
Natalie: I could be wrong.
Mrs. Garrett: We are going right to Pete’s Deli and beg him to drop those charges.
Jo: I am not gonna beg that sleaze. I would rather face the charges……
Mrs. Garrett: I don’t care what you rather do! I’m in charge here! Get your coat! MARCH!
(Scene changes to Pete’s Deli)
Pete: You gonna really enjoy Old Pete’s coleslaw buddy boy. Well it’s been named the official side order of the 1984 Olympics!
(Mrs. Garrett and Jo walk in)
Pete: Y’all come back soon now, ya hear? (Towards Mrs. Garrett) Well now, what can I do for you two lovely specimens of feminine folkertude?
Mrs. Garrett: (laughs) Hello Mr. Dawson. I’m Edna Garrett. From Edna’s Edibles?
Pete: My lawyer will speak with your lawyer. Out of my store. Shoo, now shoo!
Jo: You got it. Come on Mrs. G…
Mrs. Garrett: Jo! Oh please Mr. Dawson, give us a chance. I want to apologize. Jo here just got carried away with the spirit of competition. (laughs) Didn’t you Jo?
Jo: It wasn’t competition. It was self-defense!
Pete: I don’t care what you call it, you going to have to pay the piper! Now skeedattle.
Mrs. Garrett: Oh please Mr. Dawson! If I had known about any of this, I would have put a stop to it! But now that I do know, I assure you, it is stopped!
Pete: Oh really? Then why did you call Madame Harry here?
Mrs. Garrett: Well I don’t know who she is! (laughs) Blair…
Blair: Hi there…
Jo: Blair, what are you doing in there?
Blair: It’s a disguise! I couldn’t very well spy as myself.
Pete: I will see the three of you down at the police station now scat!
(Natalie and Tootie enter)
Natalie: Excuse us, uh…especially her.
Pete: Great day in the morning, something is really clearing my sinuses.
Tootie: I’m proud to say it’s me. I made one last pass at his garbage, and it really paid off!
Pete: Wait a minute, what were you doing down there? That is private garbage.
Tootie: Exhibit A. Mrs. Garrett’s secret cheese puff recipe. I’ve also got her apple strudel and her pasta salad here.
Natalie: Printed out by Pete’s computer. He’s been using his to break into ours for weeks.
Mrs. Garrett: So…you’ve been stealing my recipes! No wonder your business is (holds nose) booming.
Jo: Well, it looks like I won’t be the only one “paying the piper.” C’mon, let’s go down to the station.
Pete: Now let’s just hold it a minute. There’s no need to involve the police. I’d like to settle this amicably.
Mrs. Garrett: I reckon you would. (Winks) Wouldn’t you? Looks like we got you over the cracker-barrel now.
Pete: Mrs. Garrett, Mrs. Garrett, perhaps I was a bit…overzealous. Let me make you a proposal. I will not press any charges if you don’t press.
Mrs. Garrett: Under the circumstances, I think it’s a fair solution. Anything to end this war.
Pete: Well the war’s not quite over yet. You see, the South will rise over again. I’m planning on bringing out a new line of Tennessee cheese puffs.
Mrs. Garrett:You just do what you want. I’m not afraid of you.
Jo: Yea, we can be just as sleazy as you are.
Mrs. Garrett: No we can’t! I don’t like the way he runs his business and I gotta like the way I run mine,
Jo: But we gotta get tough!
Mrs. Garrett: I AM tough. Don’t worry. People will always come back for the best. And we got it.
Pete: I’m gonna rip through your best like Sherman ripped through Georgia,
Mrs. Garrett: Oh we’ll see about that. Let’s go girls.
Pete: You’re gonna end up giving your croissants away to the birds.
Mrs. Garrett: You’re croissants are FOR the birds.
Pete: You gettin’ me riled woman.
Mrs. Garrett: Tough.
Pete: When I get through with you, ain’t gonna be nothing but a grease spot on the floor.
Mrs. Garrett: Oh are you talking about your cooking again?
Pete: I’m gonna bury you!!!
Mrs. Garrett: Better bury your coleslaw dear. (laughs)
(Closing Credits)