A WORLD WITH TWO MOONS

A World with Two Moons

ACT ONE

Scene One

The living room of a modest house in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida in 1937. It is the Floridian equivalent of the California Mediterranean style with small arches and stucco walls painted a mustard color.
At rise, RONALD LEWIS ADAMS is sitting in a wheelchair dictating to his daughter ADELINE who sits beside him in front of a vintage typewriter taking down her father's words. Mr. Adams is a fine old crusty Englishman in his early 80s. Although crippled by arthritis, rheumatism and heart disease, he is still very much alive. ADELINE is in her early 40s. Slim and far from unattractive, she wears glasses and is one of those women who never paid much attention to her appearance. Hence, she is what was referred to in those days as an old maid. Both she and her father speak with pronounced English accents.

MR. ADAMS I turned about slowly, for some curious presentiment made me aware that the Zulu chieftain had been offended to the point of murder. There was a resounding…
                                                            (Doorbell rings.)
Damn! Don't answer.
                                                            (ADELINE ignores him, rises and goes to the front door.)
I'm not in to anyone…except Mae West. (ADELINE opens the door. LOBELIA, a skinny black maid, is standing there with a paper sack and a very bad hangover.) LOBELIA Mornin', Miz Adams.
ADELINE
Lobelia, you're three hours late.
LOBELIA
I'se sorry, Miz Adams…mornin', Mr. Adams…
                                              (moving toward the kitchen)
But it's that time of da month.
MR. ADAMS
I didn't know 90 proof bourbon had a time of the month. Now, where was I?
ADELINE
"Offended to the point of murder. There was a resounding…"
                                                            (doorbell rings again)
What is this? Victoria Station? (ADELINE opens the door. ELMA KARRAS, a frilly youngish southern lady, stands in the doorway with her five-year-old son BRADLEY.) ELMA Oh, Adeline, honey, I am so sorry to bother you, but Mama had another gall-bladder attack last night, and I've got to run up to Pompano to be with her. I so hate to ask it of you, because you are just the kindest lady I ever knew, but could you take Bradley? He's never much trouble, is he, honey? And he just loves bein' over here. And be brought his new Three Little Pigs colorin' book.
ADELINE
No trouble at all. Come in, Bradley.
ELMA
Oh, you are an angel, honey. Hi there, Mr. Adams.
                                                              (MR. ADAMS just grunts.)
I'll be back this evenin'. No later than seven. I promise. (SHE kisses Adeline on the cheek and exits. ADELINE closes the door, takes Bradley by the hand.) MR. ADAMS What is this, Clara Barton? A nursery?
ADELINE
I feel so sorry for Elma. With her husband going to the store for a pack of cigarettes and never coming back. And her mother so ill. Besides, Bradley is such an adorable child.
MR. ADAMS
Child? He's a forty-year-old dwarf!
BRADLEY
I am not.
ADELINE
Oh, Bradley. Mr. Adams didn't mean that…
MR. ADAMS
I most certainly did. Hey, Bradley, who is this? (HE pushes his few gray hairs toward the front of his forehead, places two fingers across his upper lip and makes a fascist salute.) BRADLEY My daddy.
MR. ADAMS
Your daddy? Your daddy is Fuehrer of Germany? Obviously, your mother has her own interpretation of current events.
ADELINE
Lobelia, please bring Bradley some chocolate milk. And the box of Fruitana on the first shelf.
MR. ADAMS
The child has an appetite like Edward VII.
ADELINE
You sit there, dear, and color…
MR. ADAMS
And eat.
ADELINE
Mr. Adams and I have work to do.
                                                     (Doorbell rings again.)
MR. ADAMS
I would have had more peace living with Eleanor Roosevelt.
                                                    (to Bradley)
She asked me, too. Only I couldn't stand all those teeth.

                                (ADELINE again opens the front door. CHICK
                                SOMERFELD a personable young man, stands there.)

CHICK Excuse me. This is the residence of Ronald Lewis Adams?
MR. ADAMS
No, it's the residence of the Our Gang kids. I'm Spanky, and this is Alfalfa…
                                                 (BRADLEY finds this hilariously funny as LOBELIA enters with milk
                                                  and cookies.)
And that's Farina who just entered with a hangover.
                                                 (LOBELIA glares at him.)
The rest are over on Las Olas Boulevard snatching purses.
CHICK
Mr. Adams, my name is Somerfeld. Chick Somerfeld from the Lauderdale Daily News.
MR. ADAMS
Chick? Where on earth do you Americans get names like that? Chick. What on earth could it possibly be short for? Chiclet?
CHICK
Mr. Adams, I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to have a journalist of your reputation living in our town.
MR. ADAMS
I've been here over a year now, and no one has thought it very much of a pleasure. As a point of fact, a few courageous souls have begun extradition proceedings.
CHICK
Well, you see, Mr. Adams, I just got out of Duke. Duke University.
MR. ADAMS
Chick from Duke…sounds like a breeding farm for poultry.
CHICK
In our journalism classes your name is right up there with Thomas Barnes and William Howard Russell. Please, sir, if you could spare just a few minutes for an interview…
MR. ADAMS
Everything you might wish to know, young man, is right there in my forthcoming autobiography Around the World in Eighty Years, the title of which may have to be changed to Around the World in Ninety Years if there are any more of these interruptions. Now off with you. (CHICK looks helplessly at Adeline, then makes a move toward Mr. Adams.) CHICK Please, sir… (HE collides with the coffee table, overturning the chocolate milk.) CHICK I'm terribly sorry.
BRADLEY
I didn't do it. I didn't do it.
ADELINE
It's all right. Lobelia! Father, I'm sure you can spare a few minutes. After all, Mr. Somerfeld is a journalist, too.
MR. ADAMS
Obviously, he should have chosen a less hazardous profession.
ADELINE
Sit down, Mr. Somerfeld.
MR. ADAMS
Not the Queen Anne! For God's sake, not the Queen Anne! (CHICK immediately changes direction and sits in a less precious chair, pulling out a notebook. LOBELIA enters from the kitchen, clutching her aching head, and proceeds to clean up the mess.) CHICK Sir, if you can just give us a few highlights of your remarkable life.
MR. ADAMS
                                        The things you want to know, old chap---
                                        They would take all fall;
                                        From bandits to Thoreau, old chap,
                                        I've interviewed them all.
                                        Chimney sweeps and kings, my boy,
                                        They have called me friend---
                                        I could tell you things, my boy,
                                        To make your hair stand on end. Sailed in a clipper,
Washed up on shore,
Drank from a slipper
Nazimova wore.
Once for the fun of it, hawked patent medicine---
Shown my first phonograph by Thomas A. Edison.
It's been one helluva life!
It's been one helluva life!
All I can say of it
Is I wouldn't change a day of it---
It's been one helluva life.
Played all my hunches,
Followed each whim;
I traded punches
With Gentleman Jim.
Hunted for gold in Tierra del Fuego, boy;
That mad monk Rasputin, he once cured my lumbago, boy.

(As HE goes into the refrain, LOBELIA starts to move to the rhythm, then gradually she joins the refrain, as do ADELINE, BRADLEY and CHICK, one by one.) It's been one helluva life!
It's been one helluva life!
All I can say of it,
Is I wouldn't change a day of it---
It's been one helluva life.
Crossing Transjordan,
Arab attacks---
Met Lizzie Borden
But minus the axe.
Typhoon in Java divided our ship in two,
I watched the hangman as he hung Dr. Crippen, too.
It's been one helluva life!
It's been one helluva life!
All I can say of it,
Is I wouldn't change a day of it---
It's been one helluva life.
Turned down a bribe once
To join with the Reds;
I saw a tribe once
Shrink shrunken heads.
Wild nights in Bangkok with twins you couldn't tell apart,
I was in Frisco the morning it fell apart.
It's been one helluva life!
It's been one helluva life!
All I can say of it,
Is I wouldn't change a day of it---
It's been one helluva life.
Swam in Lake Erie,
Hiked through Suchow---
Met Mrs. O'Leary
But just missed the cow.
Felt Sandow's bicep and saw every vein in it,
Drank Coca-Cola when it had cocaine in it.
It's been one helluva life!
It's been one helluva life!
All I can say of it,
Is I wouldn't change a day of it---
It's been one helluva life!

(The number over, ADELINE returns to the typewriter, LOBELIA to the kitchen and BRADLEY to his coloring book.) CHICK Gee, Mr. Adams, I wonder if sometime I could bring my girlfriend here to meet you? She'd be fascinated.
MR. ADAMS
Is she pretty?
CHICK
Gorgeous.
MR. ADAMS
Then by all means. I could tell you both stories from now until… (But the excitement has been too much for him. He now falls into a deep sleep.) CHICK Mr. Adams?
ADELINE
                                                             (whispering)
It's all right. He's asleep. You wouldn't be driving back to town, would you?
CHICK
Sure thing.
                                                            (SHE suddenly clutches the chair to keep from falling.)

CHICK
Are you okay?
ADELINE
It's nothing. I just felt dizzy for a second. I thought I'd catch the first show at the Sunset. It's Crawford and Gable. Bradley, how would you like to see Joan Crawford and Clark Gable? Bradley loves the films as much as I. Last week we saw Eleanor Powell dance on one drum after another, didn't we, darling? (BRADLEY nods enthusiastically and claps his hands, then proceeds to execute a very clumsy tap step on an imaginary drum.) ADELINE Lobelia, if my father wakes up…
LOBELIA
I know, Miz Adams. A hot toddy but no rum.
ADELINE
Not a drop. No matter how he intimidates you. I'll get my hat and my gloves.
CHICK
Joan Crawford and Clark Gable? After a life like that?
ADELINE
He lived it, Mr. Somerfeld. Mother and I stayed home.
                                                           (contritely)
Forgive me. I didn't mean it the way it sounded. He's a wonderful man, and it's been a pleasure being his daughter.

LIGHTS SLOWLY DIM