Ms. Bean's Story

Ms. Bean's Story

I'm not sure why I haven't written this before except that I was putting it off due to the pain that it will unleash. I want to thank Dan for starting his web site on Snoop -- he helped me get through Ms. Bean's illness and her death, which I feel was one of the most horrible experiences and decisions I ever had to make.

But, looking at the pictures I took through her deterioration and on the last day that she was alive made me realize that I did do the right thing by putting her to sleep. I feel I should maybe have even done it sooner but I couldn't. I don't beat myself up with what I should have done or could have done, I just know that I gave 110% of love and anything I did for her.

The one thing that will make it more happy to write this is that my kitten Ellsworth is a little character and loves to throw the mouse on the floor and walk across my keyboard when I'm working on the computer.

Ms. Bean's life was sad until we connected in a unique way and she came home with me. Before she came to PAWS she belonged to this man who was a collector. A collector is someone who thinks they are doing the animals good by rescuing them and ending up with so many that it is out of control. The collector that Ms. Bean was with had 26 cats and he kept them in cages. He got evicted from his apartment and boarded them. He couldn't afford to pay the bill so he went from boarding house to boarding house. Finally he ended up boarding them at Norwalk Veterinary Hospital. Luckily, for the cats, PAWS is a no kill shelter where I volunteer, with rented space from the Veterinary Hospital. When the collector couldn't pay his bill the Vet gave PAWS the 26 cats to try to adopt out. Most went out gradually and some died from leukemia but there were 5 calicos left all thought to be very feral and crazy.

PAWS was not sure what to do with them. I went in everyday to work with them and try to get them ready for adoption. Sabrina (Ms. Bean is the name I gave her after I adopted her because she looked like a kidney bean when you picked her up) started hearing my voice as soon as I came in the room and she would come up to the front of the cage. I could eventually start to hold and brush her but this took about 5 months to get her to this point. The 5 calicos had been there for over a year with the man boarding them and then PAWS having them. The vet threatened to put them to sleep if we couldn't get them adopted. I instantly took Ms. Bean home to foster and try to get her ready for adoption. Other PAWS volunteers took the other feral calicos to work with them at home. That was in August 98. It took Ms. Bean one month to come out from under the bed and another month to gain my trust. She started sleeping snuggled up to me at night. We had such a strong bond; I feel she chose me.

Someone wanted to look at Ms. Bean for Adoption in October 98. I put her in her carrier and as soon as the lady came in to look at her I burst into tears and couldn't let her go. I've fostered several cats and never felt this attached but she was special. I took her home and we started our life together. I wanted you to realize why she was so special to me and throughout her illness. I felt so terrible that had only 3 wonderful years out of her 7.

So Bean was home to stay. She never liked my husband; Bean was very jealous and gave him the evil eye when he was near me. Even at night she did her best to push him out of bed. It wasn't until early 2001 that she started doing kitty things and I felt so relieved that she was starting to relax and hang with our 3 other cats.

Once Ms. Bean was home for good she started having chronic ear infections every month. November 2001 I took her in for an ear infection. Brown fluid was coming out of her left ear. They kept her in the vet hospital in order to inject her with strong antibiotics and steroids. She was sent home three days later with Baytril (antibiotic) and Dexamethasone (steroid). She was on this medication for a week and went back to the vet. Her infection was not going away. This is where my diary and sadness starts.
Middle of October 2001
Went to the vet for her ears they thought she could possibly be allergic to her plastic bowl and food. So I switched her food, which she ate and bought her some little china bowls. There was no improvement in the fluid and smell coming from her ears. She was also placed on clavamox for one week.
November 13, 2001
My baby Ms. Bean was in the Vet hospital. They did x-rays and I find out she has a mass in the bolla of her left ear. Dr. Bolitan was 99% sure it is squamous cell carcinoma. He said to even get a biopsy it is a very large surgery and would mean removing her ear canal. He is so sure it is cancer that he suggests for humane reasons not to put her through it but to watch her progress. He refers me to a specialist. I called and made and appointment for November 26th. Oh God why does it have to be so far away I want to know tomorrow. I spent the next few days breaking out into tears what if she does have the big C.
November 15, 2001
I take her to Westport animal hospital for a second opinion. The vet is very nice and says Ms. Bean is a wonderful cat and that he can tell that she loves me very much by the way she was acting. He looks at her x-rays and he gave her a 50/50 chance of either having a bad ear infection or cancer. I can't tell you the relief I felt. Some hope, Yeah!
November 26, 2001
$600.00 for a CAT scan. The mass is very large in her left ear. Dr. Weinstein, the surgeon, suggests surgery to take out her left ear canal including the bolla and do a biopsy on the middle ear. She is 90% sure it is an infection. Yes, some hope. 2 doctors said infection, her normal vet, Dr. Bolitan, said cancer; I'm thinking he must be wrong. I was still hesitant on the surgery because it is a very big deal, but if it would make her live I wanted to do it. Dr. Weinstein talked to Dr. Bolitan to discuss the surgery and if we should do it. Dr. B was still hesitant but by what Dr. Weinstein said he thought we should go on with the surgery. I spoke to both of them that day. It was a hard decision and a hit to my wallet. I had to put half down--the total was $4,000.00. I took some from my savings and put the rest on my credit card. I didn't want to deplete my savings.

Ms. Bean went into surgery the next day. I cried when I dropped her off. I couldn't go and see her that night. The vet said she needed a day to re-coop but I could see her the next day.

Note: I must take a minute and praise Dr. Bolitan from Just Cats in Stamford. He stuck with us through the whole ordeal calling to make sure I was okay and to see the progress on Ms. Bean. He asked me to call him every week with an update. In the end Dr. Boliton wrote a letter to the Veterinary and Referral Group saying that they were misleading and that they should never have given such a positive normal prognosis. He asked me to do the same. I never did. I figured negative word of mouth among my animal lover friends would do the job.
November 28, 2001
I went to see my little baby. As they carried her out she looked so cute. Her little head was all wrapped and the ear they did surgery on was sticking straight up in the air. While I was holding her I started to cry. Dr. Weinstein said they were sending out the biopsy to see if and what kind of cancer it was. She now definitely thought it was cancer and she saw some scarring on the middle ear. She said it didn't look hopeful and that I need to make an appointment to see an oncologist. Ms. Bean was on Baytril again for two weeks to keep her from getting a post op infection.
December 3, 2001
Bad news: Ugh, I feel sick. She has Squamous Cell Carcinoma, which is an aggressive skin cancer. I couldn't understand the skin cancer part because the sun doesn't shine inside your ear. The oncologist said it was probably from years of inflammation from her ear infections. The choices: If I do radiation she will be in Boston for 3 weeks without me and it will cost approx. $5,000.00 That's a lot of money but I didn't care. If that cured her and she could live a normal life I would find the cash. The doctor couldn't guarantee more than a year if she had radiation and six months without. This made me start to question the radiation. I started doing research on the internet about cats and radiation and, of the stories about pets who have had radiation, most lived maybe a year and it didn't seem like a good quality life either. I don't know what to do. I love Bean so much. I will lose it when she dies.
December 10, 2001
Yeah! I'm happy Bean jumped on the bed herself. She is lying beside me purring like her usual self. Unfortunately she is not acting completely herself. She has been pacing in circles. I've also noticed her legs aren't working right. Dr. Post, her oncologist, said it has nothing to do with her cancer. I felt it was from having her ear canal removed. I later was told by another vet it was from scar tissue and cancer.

I'm beginning to gear towards her not having radiation. Dr. Bolitan said her biopsy came back grave/poor. He said it would eventually kill her and that I would just be postponing it and putting her through more trauma and pain. He is against it. I asked him what his opinion was and what other prognosis have been and he said most of the cats he has treated that have been given radiation didn't live longer than a year and that it wasn't a quality year either. Hmmm! The oncologist said she would possibly live a year with it. Then the dollar signs were flashing would it really be worth spending up to $5,000 on radiation and have her die anyway.

Boy did I feel guilty putting money over her little life. I would also have to leave her in Boston for 3 weeks by herself. Ms. Bean is so timid and afraid as it is I'm not sure I would want to do this to her. She is just a little animal with no understanding of what would be happening to her and she would probably die because she would think I gave her away in her time of need. Dr. B said I need to make a choice and stick with it and not regret and think of "What ifs" in a few months.

I was so sad at work today. I emailed this guy named Dan Dickey twice. He had chemo for his cat and that didn't help. His cat Snoop had SCC under her tongue. She died this year. He has a good web site and some good links.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to make her suffer through radiation but I also can't bear to cut her life short. She has only had a nice life for a couple of years. Maybe I can't stand to feel the loss. I don't want to loose her. I love her so much. It hurts so badly. I keep feeling sick to my stomach and teary eyed. I need to think a lot about this decision. Her appointment in Boston is set for Jan. 3. Note to myself: I need to call Dr. Post tomorrow and discuss quality of life with radiation.
December 12, 2001
Bean spent the night in her spot in the closet. I wish she would come out and at least sit in the living room where we are. She's sweet she came into the bedroom when I came to bed and jumped on the bed. She is laying here purring away. Oops! Found a flea. Not sure where she got that but I must get her some flea stuff.

I've been reading a lot of cases on the internet of cats having cancer. I think she would always wonder why mommy was leaving her and who are these weird people burning me with radiation.

Every cat I read about eventually died after going through radiation of chemo hell. At this point I'm still leaning on not doing radiation. I know it will torture me. I feel a little at peace as I come to a decision. It could just be one of these moments and tomorrow I will be a freak mess again.
December 20, 2001
She is lying beside me purring away. She's so cut she just got up and looked at me and nudged and went back to lying down. Bean does that throughout the night and stares at me when I wake up and when I look at her she makes a squeak. I don't care how tired I am tomorrow. When she does this it makes me happy.

I got an email from this lady Lynn who's cat died from a tumor. Poor Scribbles went through radiation. She said she would never do it again. He was miserable and afraid of everything after the treatments. She felt like she wasted 2 months when he wasn't himself and he died within a year.

I called and cancelled her appointment in Boston. I knew I wasn't going to keep it. But, I guess I had kept it just in case. I've got to pull myself together tomorrow and start to get things done and get out of my depression about Bean.
December 21, 2001
My sweet little baby Bean is in the cat hospital. Last night I heard her fall off the bed it was so scary I was such a wreck and last night before bed she was a little wobbly but nothing really bad. This morning she couldn't even stand. Her little body was out of control. Bean couldn't even walk or lift her little paw to wash it. Her eyes were also twitching back and forth. I just cried all day.

I called the vet that morning and wanted to talk to him. They wanted me to just drop her off and I said "no, I will keep my eye on her". I finally called back and said I wanted an appointment so that I could come with her. They got us in at 4:15. I thought it was the end. Dr. Bolitan thinks it is scar tissue from surgery and not her cancer. God, I'm so depressed. My poor little baby in a cage. I hope she makes it through the night. They wanted to inject her with heavy-duty steroid.

Note: After that I didn't write anymore in my journal until January 8, 2002. What happened during this time was this. I brought her home from the vet hospital on Saturday, the 22nd. Dr. Bolitan said the steriods did help somewhat. I had steriods at home to give and they gave me some Baytril. Dr. B said she would be better off at home and because of the holidays he wanted me to be able to spend time with her. That Monday I spoke to Dr. Weinstein and she said it was probably the tumor growing that was causing these problems and that I should think about putting her to sleep. I didn't want to put her to sleep; she was still eating and walking around. I just didn't feel like it was time. I ended up not going to my mom's house in Pennsylvania for Christmas; I didn't want to leave Bean and I didn't think she could make the trip.
January 8, 2002
I haven't written about Ms. Bean in while. She has made progress since Christmas. She's not falling anymore. She is walking around, coming out to the living room, jumping to her space in the closet and jumping on the bed to sleep. Ms. Bean is a fighter. She sleeps a lot but she was never a super active cat. January 4th she went to the vet because she was choking, making these weird noises. She weighed the same and the vet gave her a saline I-V. And a super duper steroid shot. Her choking is due to her tumor. I started processing her cat food and bought some 9 lives beef gravy. She liked it, which is unusual since she only loves Purina Cat chow. The vet told me to buy the Eukanuba High calorie. I have been mixing all 3 together. Her little brother Diamond is such a little thief waiting in the shadows to nab whatever food Bean does not eat.

I feel so sad. I look into Ms. Bean's eyes and she looks so sad. I think she knows she is sick. It's so hard when her symptoms are better but I know she is getting worse. Ugh! My precious little baby.

Yesterday and today she had me worrying. She hasn't been eating as much. It makes me worried. I know when they stop eating it is a bad sign.

I'm waiting for her to jump on the bed and sleep. I love to hear her purr.
February 1, 2002
Bean went to the vet Friday. He said I should put her to sleep Monday. She has lost 2 lbs. in a month and the tumor is starting to grow and is closing up her throat. She is starting to drool from the left side of her face and I have noticed that she is losing motion in the left side of her face. She has food all over herself. 3 days ago we noticed she lost the hair off of her left front leg. It's so sad. I can't stop crying. I'm not going to put her to sleep Monday but soon.
February 3, 2002
I feel like I should have spent more time with Bean this weekend. She loves her salmon Friskies. I need to get more for her. I'm going to call tomorrow so I can make plans ahead of time for her cremation. I won't be able to deal with it on that day. God, I don't know how I'm going to deal after her death. I'm so sad. I need to talk to her Vet tomorrow I miss her already.
February 11, 2001
Poor little Bean. She's stinky. She eats and then washes eats and then washes. She's eating quite a bit but she seems so frail. We've fed her six times today. She has no fur on her inside front legs and the fur she has is covered in food. I wipe it off but she needs a bath. I need to get some cat shampoo. Poor little sweet thing. Bean just jumped on the bed and is purring. I'm going to snuggle. I think the tumor on the left side of her neck is starting to hurt. She's shaking her head.
February 13, 2002
Oh God! A lump has developed around her left ear on the top of her head. How could it grow so fast. It wasn't there yesterday. I definitely need to call her vet tomorrow. I think it could be the day. I feel sick. She's purring away on the bed and is still eating and jumping up on the bed. I'm going to have my husband take a picture of us tonight. Last night she had a bath and smells much better. She had this putrid smell. Bean curled up around me last night under the comforter. She kept waking up throughout the night and head butted me and she made this cute little sound. Bean was laying her sweet head on my pillow. Oh, I can't take it much longer. It is breaking my heart. She ate 3 times today and mostly slept in the closet. I don't want her to get worse and be in pain. I need to make the dreaded appointment.
February 14, 2002
Oh yeah right Happy Valentines Day, not! Tonight is the last night Ms. Bean will sleep beside me. No more little head butts at night. No more purring. Just silence at night. I'm very upset. I called today to make "The" appointment for 3:45 p.m. but changed it to 11:45. I didn't want her or myself to suffer any more. I wanted to get it done with. I thought that it would have been one of my worst days if it was still for 3:45. I can't believe that cancer can grow so quickly. Tuesday we gave her a bath and the lump wasn't there and last night she had a large lump around her left ear; the same ear that had the surgery. I can tell she is uncomfortable. She's acting nothing like before and she keeps shaking her head. She just has this look. She ate a can of food today so she still has her appetite. I don't know how I'm going to deal with tomorrow.
February 17, 2002
February 15th at 12:00 noon I put Ms. Bean to sleep. I wanted to hold her but the vet wouldn't allow me due to malpractice reasons. Instead I just kissed and petted her little head. That morning she ate 2/3 of a can of chicken/tuna Friskies. I laid on the bed with her and snuggled and talked to her until we left for the vet's around 11:30 AM. My husband and I took pictures of her. I carried her in a blanket; I didn't want to put her in a carrier. I actually did this for all her visits to the vet. She was so cute in the car. Her little head and paws were sticking out.

Ms. Bean's death was quick and comfortable. She had this little tear and I felt so sad. I stayed in the room for a while afterwards petting her until my husband said she wasn't there anymore, that it was just a body and her spirit was gone. I got some fur shaved off and put it in a silver box. It looked peaceful but sometimes I do wonder if it did hurt. I hope it didn't.

I felt a sense of peace and I wasn't as sad and I thought I was going to be. I was much worse before I put her to sleep just thinking about having to do it. I came home and cleaned up her dishes and litter box. That was hard and sad but I wanted it to get done right away. I really miss Ms. Bean now. As I'm writing this I expect to hear her little breathy meow and have her wrap around my legs. She was always with me and I feel she is with me now. Someday, in her next life, I know she will come back to me.

Stacy
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