The content on this page is strictly for the hope that it might help someone. It is not intended to take the place of a professional.
The four phases of Grief:
~ Shock and Disbelief
~ Searching and Yearning
~ Confusion and Disinterest
~ Resolution
You may not experience all of the phases, and they may not be experienced in order listed above.
Emotions I have found to be quite normal:
~ Jealousy ~
The sight of a pregnant woman
A newborn baby
~ Anger ~
At youself, doctors, hospital staff, spouse, God, family and friends
Why did this happen to us?
~ Hopelessness ~
You wonder if you will ever have a baby
~ Guilt ~
You wonder if you did something wrong
A decision you could have made differently
You may have not accepted your pregnancy yet (if it wasn't planned)
~ Emptiness ~
You long for your baby
You feel like a part of you is missing
~ Insomnia is normal, but it may swing the other way to and you may find yourself wanting to sleep all the time.
~ You may also find you are having mood swings
~ You may feel the need to get pregnant again right away
~ You may also have a low sex drive
~ After time you may feel like you are coping better and then suddenly get really sad again as if you have just suffered your loss all over again
~ You may feel guilty the first time you feel like you are truly having a good time, really enjoying yourself
Things NOT to say or do to someone who has suffered from pregnancy and infant loss:
~ "You can have another baby" or
~ " You are young, you have plenty of time"
~ "It was just a miscarriage"
~ Please don't ignore us and act like nothing happened
~ Please don't set a time limit on our grief.
~ Please recognize that we lost our BABY
~ Please don't make us feel uncomfortable to talk about our loss
~ "I understand" or "I know how you feel"
(unless you too have suffered a loss)
~ "It was meant to be"
~ "Everything happens for a reason"
~ refrain from talking about other pregnant women or newborns. If you happen to be a pregnant friend, understand that while we are happy for you, it is too hard for us to hear about your pregnancy.
I have learned that this is not the time to worry about other people's feelings. If someone acts insensitive around me, I feel much better telling them that they are not helping. A gentle reminder that they are (hopefully) unintentionally NOT helping usually works.
If you know someone who has suffered from Pregnancy and Infant Loss and are at loss as to what to say or do, here are some things you can say or do:
~ simply say "I'm sorry for your loss"
~ "I care about you and I am here if you need me"
~ after a few weeks when most people think we should "be over it" give us a call and see how we are doing, because we are never "over it"
~ attend the memorial service for our baby
Memorial Ideas
~ Name your baby, even if the loss occured before you could know the sex
~ Hold a memorial service
~ Plant a tree or garden
~ Keep a journal and/or write letters to your baby
~ Create a memorial website
~ Make a memory box
~ Make a donation in you baby's name
~ Purchase or make an ornament to mark the year of your baby's birth
~ Light a candle vigil on special dates (don't forget October 15)
~ Release ballons on special dates, some attach notes
~ Create a photobook
~ Have a personalized birthstone ring made
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