Playing Baseball with My
Genitals
By
Tom
Miller
INTRODUCTION by Tom
Miller
What you are about to read is no less than the
dirtiest book ever written. I warn you now, you will experience revulsion,
horror, disgust, offense, and possibly either a boner, or in the case of a
female, a clitoral boner.
And this is what all good writing should be
about. Enjoy.
Three of Them
There were three of them. They stood there and
looked at each other.
"Well?" asked one,
"So what about it?"
"Nothing." said the
second one. "Nothing."
"Nothing?" said
the third, "Then what are we standing here for."
"Simple," replied the first. "Because it’s what we do."
The second one wiggled its tentacle. "Is that
so."
"Yeah," said the third. "He’s right.
Why not."
The first one retracted her
primary claw. "See? It’s not that big of a deal."
All three of them at least agreed on
that.
One Day, Something
Happened
I was walking down the street minding my own
affairs when it happened. It was maybe the worst thing that could have
happened, and on the worst day. What was I going to do? I decided to run as
fast as I could and see if it would stop. It didn’t. In fact, it got much
worse and by the time you read this, it will have reached some sort of
conclusion.
The Fortune Teller had
Diarrhea
She examined my palm with measured
consideration, studying the lines and fissures and scars and spots. "I see
your heart line here." She touched me there. "This tells me a great deal about
you and what you can expect in the future." Suddenly, there was a little fart
from behind her. Her eyes widened. "My God!" she said quietly, "Some has come
out into my pants." Another louder fart, and a rumbling fluid sound. "It’s the
worst now. This is so embarrassing." She stood up and turned to see her ass.
Her white dress was indeed stained, and the smell was not normal. "I have to
clean this. Please excuse me." More farting as she left. I sat in her cloud of
stink for several minutes. "Five dollars for this shit?" I said.
Our Lovely Baby
I was at
the zoo, and a lady came up to me and said, "Would you like to see our new
baby?" Her husband stood by her side, proudly.
"No madam, I’d rather not."
"But she’s adorable. Look at her here in the
stroller." She pulled back the awning and there was a baby there. I thought it
looked kind of deformed and premature and ugly."
"Hideous!" I said. "Please don’t show it to
anyone else."
"You horrible man," she said. "It’s a baby, for
Christ’s sake. A human baby!"
"Don’t let him see her any more," said the
father. "This guy’s a real humdinger!"
They left me there and headed over to the monkey
cage. I saw the lady pull back the awning on the baby carriage and point at
her little deformed pink dirty baby. She was pointing it out to the monkey in
the cage and the monkey reached out and pulled the baby in through the bars
and started jamming its finger into the baby’s soft spot. "Yeah! Yeah!" I
shouted. "Thank God. Thank you, Jesus." And then I shouted, "Eat it! Eat it!"
and the monkey started to gnaw, and I jumped up and down and
cheered.
And the moral of this story is: Legalize
Abortion
A Gallon of Horse Cum on the Shroud of
Turin
I had seen the videos and boy, there’s like a
gallon of cum. Horses shoot a serious load of hooch. Wouldn’t it be funny if I
could get one of these horses to shoot a load on the Shroud of Turin? It would
turn that fake religious icon into a giant holy cum rag. But just how was I
going to go about it? I thought about it for some time before falling asleep,
and then I had a dream. I dreamt I got the horse into the church, where they
keep that thing. And when nobody was looking, I jacked off the horse and he
came all over the Shroud of Turin. The Shroud began to move and pulse. It was
as if the shadow of Jesus was reconstituting itself into human form, using the
nourishment from the horse spunk. I had caused the Second Coming of Christ,
and Jesus was made out of sperm.
"Gross, dude," I said, before abruptly awaking
in a pool of horse cum. My ass hole was big enough to fit my head into, and
next to me was a horse with a boner, smoking a cigarette. He turned to me and
said, "Your mother sucks cocks in hell."
Self-Suck
Accident
After a year of stretching and practicing with
all the techniques I could find on the Internet, I finally managed to get my
own cock into my mouth. It wasn’t quite the heaven I thought it would be
because of all the pain, but I figured by next year, I should be able to get
the whole bone down. That’s when I heard a snap toward the base of my spine. I
tried to pull my cock out of my mouth, but I was paralyzed and stuck in
position. My mother, who had been in the kitchen baking cookies, walked into
the bedroom to present me with one. I never got it. And those cookies were
really much tastier than the penis I was eating.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I’m a woman
now. Seven surgeries later, I might add. I don’t even want to suck my own cock
now because it’s inverted inside me and there’s just no way to reach that.
The Bad Breath of
Hell
She was beautiful, intelligent, sexy, and saucy.
But what the fuck was wrong with her mouth? She had the Bad Breath of Hell,
and boy, I smelled it. When she yawned, birds fell from the sky. When she
brushed her teeth, the brush dissolved. When she kissed me, it was like
kissing a wino’s asshole. One day, I said to her, "Do you floss?" She replied,
"Floss? What’s that?"
I explained to her that floss might remove food
and bacteria that may be stuck between her teeth. She said she would try it.
The next day, her breath was like flowers and mint, and all the good smelling
things of the earth. "My God," I said, "What happened with the
floss?"
She replied, "Well I got the floss in there
between my back two molars and a piece of somebody’s penis fell out. By the
way, how come your crotch is always bleeding?"
I replied, "Self-suck accident from when I was a
man. So, Whose penis was that?"
Out of Jail and Ready for
Action
20 years without pussy! I was as horny as a man can be.
I turned the corner and there was a good whore down in the alley looking for a
score. I had twenty bucks on me and I paid her the money. She pulled down her
panties. Her clam was green and covered in pus. There was a maggot in there,
and half a bloody tampon sticking out with some yellow on the end of it. I
think she had either an IUD up there too, or a paper clip, or maybe it was
some botched abortion tool she forgot about.
"Lady," I said, "You got a condom on
you?"
"No," she replied.
"Oh well, Whatever." And then I dove.
Dumb Ernie 4 – The Return of Dumb
Ernie
"Hey, Dumb Ernie," I said, "I dare you to bite
that wasp nest."
"Oh no," Said Dumb Ernie, "Me not THAT
Dumb."
"Well," I said, "Will you at least bite it
then?"
"Okay," Dumb Ernie replied, "But not the other
thing you said."
And then Dumb Ernie bit the wasp nest and the
wasps stung him, horribly.
"Oh well," Said Dumb Ernie, "At least I didn’t
bite it."
And then he died… or "Bit It", as the case may
be.
12 Unusual Deaths
1. John Farmouth was found with his asshole
sticking out of the head of his penis in a horrible tragedy involving an
electric milker.
2. Bradley McTintoff met an untimely demise at
the hands of both an angry bear and some angry bees.
3. Sheila Bunkcutter, dead of a pimple that got
rather out of control.
4. Leslie B. Johnson bit the dust in a portable
toilet. They found her in there with her face all covered in blue goo. It is
surmised that while bobbing for turds, she was chemically
overpowered.
5. Shirisha Comisha Ququisha got a watermelon
caught in her throat. She was white and of Germanic descent.
6. Helmut Claus choked on a piece of fried
chicken and simultaneously suffered a stroke from a clogged artery, the result
of eating too many pig feet and over exerting himself on the basketball court.
He was also a German.
7. Pauly Paulaski accidentally stabbed himself
seven times in the eye with a pickax and then accidentally punctured his lung
with the same pickax before walking into an industrial fan backwards. He was
Polish and black.
8. Peter Wellerby died of a self-inflicted
overdose of Madonna tunes. He was a black German Polish Homosexual.
9. Linda Connor died when her car ran out of gas
and she had to walk seven miles down the road to the only gas station in town
which was called, "Fred’s Gas", and Fred was nowhere to be found because the
corporate name of the store was meant to fool people into thinking it wasn’t a
corporation but actually a gas station owned by a guy named Fred, and Linda
complained about this because she didn’t want to be a fool and that caused the
Indian guy behind the counter to become suspicious of her so he reached behind
the counter and pulled out a revolver and shot her several times in the face,
and this was shown on all the television networks over and over again and
revived in reruns on various extreme video television shows, so I’m sure
you’ve heard about this incident and the fact that Linda survived the
encounter and told everyone about it on Oprah and Sally Jesse Raphael and
Jerry Springer and to a lesser extent, Maury Povich and through all the
attention she attracted a stalker who wanted to see if her new surgically
attached face was the face of his dead wife and when he found out it was, he
tried to rape her, the whole time screaming, "My love, you’re alive! You’re
Alive!" but she managed to fight him off long enough to spray him with mace
and escape into the street where she was run over by an ambulance, a
steamroller, another steamroller, and a wheelchair.
10. Jim Flutie – Rock Star – Died choking on
somebody else’s vomit.
11. Maria Von Sloster, felled by a coordinated
posse of gerbils.
12. Jesus Christ – Died from crucifixion,
starvation, torture and stress. Rose again as a ghost, went to Heaven,
reconstituted from the Holy Shroud of Turin for the Second Coming, and now
roams the earth as a horse-sperm zombie.
Ignance & Julia
Child
Me and Jebba was in the trailer cooking up a
possum when Jebba comes over and says I need to put in some more butter. "I
told you, Jebba." I says, "I taint puttin’ no more bubba in it acause my
artries is clogging up my pooter. And ifn you can’t shit, you gonna blow up
like your pregnant daughter’s daughter done." And he says back to me, "Festus,
you’s ignant. You’s the most ignant somabitch I ever had the discourtesy to
beat the shit out of. And I’m sayin ifn julia child sez it’s better with
bubba, you put some damn bubba in that shit."
"Jebba, now this here is possum. There’s a way
ta cook it and a way ta don’t. And ifn’ you put too much bubba in the possum,
you’s gonna’ spoil the flavor. EAT that damn stick of bubba if you’s so sweet
on it." So’s I put on the salt and had that possum pressed down with my
scraper, and Jebba starts in again. "Put some bubba on the damn possum, you
fat fucking blob. Put on the goddamn bubba or I’m a gonna Billyslap you clean
into tomorrow and you’ll look back and see yesterday."
"You threatening me Jebba? You tellin me ifn I
don’t put bubba on this here possum you’s gonna do something to me? Bring it,
you toe-heeled faggot. I do believe a monkey evolved outta you."
"Now you done too far. I ain’t no fuckin’
monkey, and ifn I WAS a monkey, you’d be chewin a fist full o my SHIT by now.
Now listen here, goddamn it. By the hair of my dead mama’s ass, this here
bubba’s goin in that there pot and ifn you stop me, I’ll jam a stick up yer
ass and pick out yer brain with it." And with that, Jebba threw that stick of
bubba in the pot o possum. And I would have about beat a piece of ass or two…
cepting for one thing.
That shit was GOOD!
The Drive Through
"Let me get a cheese burger, no mayo, pickles or
lettuce, and a small fries and a coke."
"So one burger, small fries…"
"Cheese burger."
"Yes, one cheese burger, fries and a small coke.
Will that be all for you today?"
"No mayo or pickles or lettuce on that burger
please."
"On the burger or the cheese burger?"
"There’s just a cheese burger. One cheese burger
with no mayo, pickles or lettuce."
"So no fries or coke?"
"Yes, fries and coke. A cheese burger, no
pickles, lettuce, or mayo, and fries and a coke."
"So I’ve got two fries, two cokes, a plain
cheese burger, and two cheese burgers with no pickles, no lettuce, no mayo. Is
that correct sir?"
"Sure. Whatever, lady. Just ring it
up."
"You’re wrong, sir! You ordered a cheese burger
with no mayo, pickles or lettuce and a small fries and a coke. That’s what you
originally ordered. All that other stuff was just me fooling around with you.
Now are you gonna’ eat this shit or what? I haven’t got all day."
"You know what, lady, how about fuck you and
your mother in the ass."
"You want cheese on that?"
The Spanish
Grasshopper
One day, a Spanish grasshopper was hopping along
the road when a car came speeding by and ran it over. It died.
There Was a Time
When…
Back in the day, things used to be different. People
didn’t use washing machines to get their laundry done, they did the laundry in
the river. One didn’t go to the supermarket to buy a stick of butter; we had
to churn the butter from milk. It was no easy task to go to the moon; we had
to build a giant staircase and walk up step by step. Yes, there was a time
when people did things from the ground up, and not from the top down. We’re
talking back in the day when we had craftsmen building durable works of art
instead of prefab furniture assembled by computers. Even the fucking was done
with some sense of style, and now it’s just a big dirty mess. If I had my way,
I’d make sure that nobody ever did anything that compromised his or her
integrity. I’d make sure people took their time and left something behind
worth a damn. And what I’m talking about is drug abuse.
The Ignoble Guest
A gentleman of leisure came to the door, and I
bade him entrance. Upon receiving my courtesy, he took all advantages of my
kindness and made to eat all of my food, drink all of my drink, and bed all of
my parlor boys. This caused me great distress, and I sought to right him in a
fashion most cruel. One night, as he slept in my bed, I entered his body with
a dull rusty dagger on numerous occasions until such a time as his heart gave
out. Then, I proceeded to dismember him with some enthusiasm and placed him in
several bags, which I distributed among various locations about the town where
the wild pigs could pick at the meat and bone. I swore never again to allow
such a heathen into my home and hearth. However, it was the next day when
again I was visited by an ignoble guest, who met the same fate as the former.
And again on the third day, I did dismember a rogue. This went on until I had
dispatched several hundred scoundrels, and when the town found out about my
crimes, and saw of the people I had taken from this world, they threw me a
parade with flowers, dancing ladies, and a fancy elephant. I was their hero!
For now, they should never again suffer ignoble guests in their homes. And
forever after, everyone ate their own food, drank their own drink, and fucked
their own parlor boys when their wives were away.
Things were finally back to normal.
In
Conclusion