10 Gallon Hats O’ Blood
A Novel by Tom Miller
CHAPTER 1
As the
sun rose over the Hairy Plains of the West, Sheriff Useless P.
Clodstopper rode atop his horse, Little Mo. Little Mo was a fine
horse but that wasn’t always the case. It wasn’t too long
ago that little Mo was abused by his owner, Billy Bo, a small boy who
had always wanted a pony. Billy Bo’s father, Willie Bo, figured
that his boy would take kindly to the horse. If things didn’t
work out, he figured little Mo could always pull a plow on the family
farm. Well on that fateful Monday morning, Billy Bo was looking
around for his birthday present.
"Where’s
my present, pa? You promised me a present."
"Just
calm yourself, boy," said the father. "You’ll get yours."
"I want
it now, you ugly man. Bring me my pony, or I’ll start to
twitchin’."
"Now
settle yourself down there, Billy Bo. You act respectable, or
you’ll get no horse, you’ll get no supper, and you’ll
get a spankin’. You hear me boy?"
"Gimmie
that pony, you mule-lookin’ ignoramus. Gimmie!"
"You
want your pony?"
"Gimmie
it."
"You
want it, boy?" Willie Bo was becoming angry, and when Willie Bo gets
angry, somebody dies.
"Gimmie
that pony or you ain’t my dad no more!"
"Here’s your fuckin’ pony." Willie Bo pulled out his gun,
opened the closet door, and as little Mo pranced proudly into the
room, Willie Bo began firing lugs into the pony’s
ass.
"AAARES
YOUR PONY, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"
BLAM!
BLAM! BLAM!
Billy Bo became enraged. When his father got angry, that just made
him mad. He walked over to the fallen pony and said, "Now you got me
riled up pa. You done shot my pony, and on my birthday. Goddamn you,
daddy." He began to kick at the horse’s face. "Look what you
done, daddy." He was throwing a real tantrum. "You done shot"
KICK "my" KICK "pony!"
"I’ll shoot you for kicking that horse, son!" Willie Bo shot at
Billy Bo, but Billy Bo hid behind little Mo for cover, and the horse
took another round of buckshot in the side. Billy Bo reached into his
pocket for his Winston revolver, pulled it out, and shot back at
daddy. "Take this." BLAM! BLAM! "You ain’t no kind of
man."
Suddenly, Willie Bo’s wife walked in holding a plate. "I baked
some hot fresh cookies," Sally Bo said, sweetly. Willie Bo grabbed
her around the waist and used her as a shield as she screamed. Billy
Bo fired his weapon over the body of little Mo, and shot Sally Bo in
the face. She died.
"You
little monster. Now you killed ma. I’ll get you…" He ran
forward with Sally Mo over his shoulder and pitched her across the
horse and onto Billy Bo, striking him on the right underside of his
nose. He fell back and the Winston hit the ground and fired. The
bullet traveled up to a light fixture, bounced off a teapot,
ricocheted off a small mouse and found it’s way back through the
heads of Billy Bo, Willie Bo, Sally Bo, and little Mo.
Only
the horse survived, but that’s not what this story is about.
This is the story of one man’s fight for law and order. This is
the story about a man of principle and honor. This is the story of
Useless Clodstopper.
Sheriff Useless P. Clodstopper.
The P. stands for Pickalottacumswatch.
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