The F&SN Critic arbitrarily gives out prizes in more than 30 categories he dreamed up the other day.
Runner-up: Finding Nemo
Triplets of Belleville
Best Arthouse/Independent Movie
Runners-up: All the Real Girls
Owning Mahowny
Northfork
Better Luck Tomorrow
Lost in Translation
Best Cameo
Runners-up: All the Real Girls (guy on sofa)
The Good Thief (art buyer)
Love Actually (U.S. president)
Best Canadian Pronunciation
Owning Mahowny: “Sorry” pronounced “Sore-ree”
Best Cheap Joke
The entirety of Kill Bill: Volume 1
Craziest Movie
Runners-up: Once Upon a Time in Mexico
Bad Santa
Northfork
Tie: Kill Bill: Volume 1 and Triplets of Belleville
Best Deleted Scenes
(this category is far from exhaustive)
All the Real Girls: all those scenes with Bust-Ass
Best DVD Commentary
"You better get to healin'." - All the Real Girls, which included must discussion of the distinctions between flatulent humor, flatulent drama, flatulent romance, and even the flatulent epic.
Best Big Budget Hollywood Movie
Runners-up: The Last Samurai
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World
Best Facial Expression Made by a Man While His Wife Cheerfully Discusses Her Past as a Pornstar
A Mighty Wind
Best Scenes in which Viewers Not as Manly as I Might Get Choked Up
The final shot of the headstone. - Northfork
“They are all perfect.” - The Last Samurai
When Madame Souza tries to cheer up Champion. – The Triplets of Belleville
Best Song
“Battle Without Honor or Humanity” from Kill Bill: Volume 1
(okay, that’s not an original song, so the winner ought to be…)
“Triplets of Belleville” by Benoit Charest and Sylvain Chomet from Triplets of Belleville
Best Preview
Runner-up: Triplets of Belleville
Kill Bill: Volumes 1 & 2 short teaser
Best Movie with No Speaking Parts for Women
Runner-up: The Fog of War
Master & Commander
Most Chummy Relationship between Arch-Nemeses
Runner-up: The Last Samurai
Bob (Nick Nolte) and the Inspector (Tcheky Karyo) in The Good Thief
My Favorite Character
Runner-up: Sands (Johnny Depp) in Once Upon a Time in Mexico
Madame Souza in Triplets of Belleville
Best Popcorn Movie
Kill Bill: Volume 1
Best Romance
Runner-up: Love Actually
All the Real Girls
Runners-up: “Look how drunk I am! I’m all up in your face!” Bust-Ass (Danny McBride) in All the Real Girls (deleted scene)
“These pants are new as hell!” Bust-Ass in All the Real Girls (deleted scene)
“We’re not friends anymore. You ain’t even in my top ten!” Tip (Shea Whigham) in All the Real Girls
“So long Tip.” Unspecified off-screen voice when Tip stalks off after beating the crap out of two other guys in All the Real Girls
“Without the right words, this is just a man nailed to a piece of wood.” Walter (James Woods) in Northfork
“The lesser of two weevils.” Lucky Jack Aubrey (Russell Crowe) in Master & Commander
“To wives and sweethearts—may they never meet!” Lucky Jack’s toast in Master & Commander
Miscellaneous profound-sounding gibberish nonsense spoken with the weight of the world during “Lord of the Rings”
“He did his duty, and you did yours.” Spoken to Nathan Algren (Tom Cruise) by the wife of the man he killed in battle in The Last Samurai.
“They are all perfect.” Katsumoto’s (Ken Watanabe) final thought on his search for the perfect blossom, and the perfect breath, in The Last Samurai.
“So are you saying that when he got his balls cut off, he lost his balls, so to speak?” Bob (Nick Nolte) in The Good Thief on the subject of a transgender thief.
“Can you hear me now? F—king bells.” Sands (Johnny Depp) in Once Upon a Time in Mexico
“Are you a Mexi-can, or a Mexi-can’t?” Sands in Once Upon a Time in Mexico
Any time Bad Santa swears.
“To show how important this is, I will say it in English.” Spoken in Japanese by O-Ren Ishii (Lucy Liu) to an entirely Japanese group of listeners.
“If you should encounter God, God shall be cut.” Kill Bill Volume 1, when the swordsmith (Sonny Chiba) breaks his vow of 25 years to never make a sword again.
Most Obnoxious Line of Dialogue You Find Yourself Quoting Despite Yourself
“It’s Deluxe, son. It’s not that hard.”
Best Flatulence Humor
All the Real Girls
Best Foreign Film That I’ve Seen
Runners-up: City of God (Cidade de Deus)
Man on the Train (L'Homme du Train)
Triplets of Belleville (Belleville Rendez-vous)
Best Anachronistic One-Liner
Northfork, when Walter (James Woods) addresses his son Willis (Mark Polish).
Best Family/G-rated Movie
Finding Nemo
Guiltiest Laugh
Runner-up: When Aileen (Charlize Theron) goes looking for jobs in Monster.
When the Crazy 88 picked up his severed foot and gawked at it right after The Bride cut it off in Kill Bill: Volume 1
Best Hollywood-Style Drama
Runner-up: Seabiscuit
Mystic River
Best Performance to Save or Almost Save an Otherwise Undeserving Movie
Runner-up: Geoffrey Rush for Pirates of the Caribbean
Johnny Depp for Pirates of the Caribbean
Best Documentary That I Saw
The Fog of War
Other Documentaries That I Saw
None
Most Irresponsible Treatment of Alcoholism
Bad Santa
Most Creepy Sean Penn Look
Mystic River