“I would have preferred to invent…a lawnmower”—recent words spoken by Mikhail Kalashnikov, inventor of the AK47 assault rifle, which as any fan of action and war movies will tell you rivals the 1908 Luger pistol and the Schmeisser submachine gun as the quintessential weapon of choice if you’re a bad guy. Whether you’re trying to rule the world, rob a bank, or just crush capitalism, you can’t go wrong with the AK47. A good guy can never start out with a Kalashnikov; the best he can do is pick one off a dead bad guy, who couldn’t hit the side of a barn with it anyway. The Reds used them in “Apocalypse Now,” (1979) “Full Metal Jacket,” (1987) and “The Deer Hunter” (1978), Tom Sizemore robbed a bank with one in “Heat” (1995), and most of the men Schwarzennegger killed in the 1980s were carrying them. Recently the AK47 was seen being fired wildly out of control by the Skinnies* in “Black Hawk Down” (2001), and was also the chosen boom-stick of movie terrorists until real terrorists ruined everything. Descendents of the AK47 include the AKM, the AK74, and the AK74SU. Octogenarian General Kalashnikov, at an exhibition in Germany titled “Kalashnikov—The Myth and Curse of a Weapon,” remarked that, while he is proud of his creation, he “would have preferred to invent something which helps people and makes life easier for farmers. A lawnmower, for example.” He also blames the Nazis for his creating the AK47. Yes, we all hate Nazis.
It would have been one mean-looking lawnmower, that’s for sure.
For more information:
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20020729/od_nm/kalashnikov_dc_1
*Due to the comments of a conscientious reader, I am inclined to remark that the U.S. Soldiers in Ridley Scott's "Black Hawk Down" (2001) consistently refer to the warring Somalis as "skinnies." I refer to them as such not in a derogatory manner but to stay within the vernacular of the film. If I have offended anyone I apologize. I find immense irony in a culture that ridicules the "overweight" almost day and night, and then turns around and mocks the underfed. There's no pleasing some people.
Finished July 30, 2002
Copyright 2002 Friday & Saturday Night