** (out of ****)
Starring Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Samuel L. Jackson, Ian McDiarmid, Frank Oz, Jimmy Smits, Kenny Baker, Anthony Daniels, and Christopher Lee.
Directed & written by George Lucas
2002 PG
I’ve never been bored during a “Star Wars” movie before. There are some things about “The Phantom Menace” that I didn’t like, but I was never bored the way I was during long stretches of “Attack of the Clones.” Defenders of the movie may call it “slow in places.” No, “Lawrence of Arabia” is slow. “The Deer Hunter” is slow. “Attack of the Clones” is in many places just dull. There are some entertaining fight sequences and some amazing visuals, but the slothfulness of the storytelling is too much.
The broad outline of “Attack of the Clones” is not without potential. Like “The Phantom Menace,” it is set some decades before the original trilogy (“Star Wars,” “The Empire Strikes Back,” and “Return of the Jedi”) in a far-off galaxy of the imagination. Also like “The Phantom Menace” it is considerably more complicated than its three classic predecessors. In order to come to power and become the Emperor we know and loathe in the original trilogy, Chancellor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) has hatched a scheme in which the benevolent Republic will come under attack and he will come to its rescue, thus gaining more power in the process. It’s basically the same plan he used in “The Phantom Menace,” but since it worked then there’s no reason why it won’t work now, and he even uses some of the same guys as saps. The threat to the Republic is from a large group of solar systems known as the Separatists, and the way Palpatine plans on coming to the rescue is by providing the Republic with an army of clones. So one could argue the clones defend more than they attack.
Chancellor Palpatine, however, is an incidental character in “Attack of the Clones.” The new movie mostly follows a few Jedi Knights—magic-wielding peacekeepers—as they try to hold the Republic together. Yoda and Windu (Frank Oz and Samuel L. Jackson) investigate political intrigue, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) uncovers both the robot army intended to threaten the Republic and the clones intended to destroy them, while Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) prevents the assassination of and falls in love with a Republic senator (Natalie Portman). Faithful viewers will notice that Anakin Skywalker grows up into the dreadful and evil Darth Vader and that “Attack of the Clones” serves as a look at his downward spiral. Faithful viewers will also notice that Portman is reprising her role from the previous film as Queen Amidala, although she informs Anakin how delighted she was when her two terms as queen ended. So, I guess Marie Antoinette was impeached before her beheading?
Wisecracks aside there’s really nothing wrong with the story in its broadest terms. Sure, it’s a little silly, but so were the stories behind the original trilogy. What sinks “Attack of the Clones” is how it marches from plot point to plot point like a list of events and not like a story. Obi-Wan sneaks into the clone facility. Obi-Wan flies to the next planet. Obi-Wan sneaks into the robot factory. Anakin and Amidala fly to her homeworld and he dribbles romantic platitudes. Anakin and Amidala stand around the capitol of her homeworld and he dribbles romantic platitudes. Anakin and Amidala frolic and he dribbles romantic platitudes. “Attack of the Clones” could be taught in a screenwriting course about how not to write a compelling story. Most of the scenes are dead, lifeless, and perfunctory. They have plot points to get across, or they have large, obvious transitions in Anakin’s character to convey, and the scenes make their points as simply and as flatly as possible.
Fans of the series, because of what happened in “The Phantom Menace” and what is going to happen in the original trilogy, know basically what is supposed to take place in “Attack of the Clones.” Director Lucas simply lets those scenes and episodes be acted out without flair. The result is more like an explanation than an adventure. At one point Anakin gets his arm lopped off with a lightsaber, but he doesn’t seem all that perturbed, as if he, like the audience, knew it had to happen. The same goes for finding his dead mother. If I saw my arm sitting on the other side of the room I’d lay my tongue to a lot of words “Star Wars” wouldn’t even allow Harrison Ford to say. And I suppose the same would be true if I found my dead mother. But, my God, my arm is way over there! I would try to staple-gun it back on, or use duct tape maybe, or at least look at it and see if I could make my fingers move. Anakin doesn’t seem to notice, and neither does Amidala (“hey, didn’t you used to have something coming out of that socket?”)