** (out of ****)
Starring Sean Connery, Shane West, Naseerudin Shah, Peta Wilson, Stuart Townsend,Tony Curran, Jason Flemyng, and Richard Roxburgh
Directed by Stephen Norrington & written for the screen by James Robinson, from the comic book by Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neil
2002
110 min PG13
“The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” has a lot of things going for it, in a ludicrous action movie kind of way, but it is not a success. Rather, it has that inert, leaden quality of the big budget action picture that has no overwhelming need to exist. No wit or irony is used to approach its subject matter; no charisma or chemistry exists among its numerous characters; fight scenes are neither remarkable nor do they fit organically into what happens around them; and there’s nothing to distract us from how little sense the whole movie makes. I don’t begrudge the film for having a car chase in Venice, a city that, in real life, has no streets. I don’t begrudge the movie for allowing a twenty-story submarine to swiftly navigate canals and brooks where it obviously could not possibly fit. I begrudge “LXG” for finding no amusement or jollity in these inanities. Most adventure films do not make much sense, but we only notice in the bad ones.
It’s 1899 and the League is comprised of most of the major fictional characters of the time. Or at least versions of them; deemed apparently too dull for modern audiences, many of them have been souped up in one way or another. The Invisible Man (Tony Curran) is more-or-less how H.G. Wells made him and the vampire chick (Peta Wilson) follows general movie etiquette for vampires. Dr. Jekyll (Jason Flemyng) is still the same, but Mr. Hyde is now a ten-foot man-beast. Big game hunter Alan Quatermain (Sean Connery) shoots people way more than any animals. Tom Sawyer (Shane West) is now a gun-toting government agent. Oscar Wilde’s Dorian Gray (Stuart Townsend) is immortal as long as he does not see his portrait, or anyone damages it. Jules Verne’s Captain Nemo (Naseerudin Shah of “Monsoon Wedding”) still has his submarine the Nautilus, but he also knows kung-fu. They have been brought together by a man known only as M (Richard Roxburgh), yes, just like in the James Bond movies, which is where that guy Connery apparently made a big splash, or so I’ve been told. Together they fight crime. A moderately clever concept.
The capacity for these characters to commit violence is all that interests the makers of “LXG.” The first order of business with any clever movie concept is always the same: fight. Magic ring? Make everyone fight. Mutant underworld? Fight. Vampire overlords? Alien visitors? Dinosaurs? Friendly demon who shaves down his horns? Fight. Gone is the idea that Mr. Hyde is the Victorian libido unleashed; he is simply a giant hulking monster. The only use for Dorian Gray’s immortality is to stop bullets. The scientific functions of Captain Nemo’s submarine are overlooked in favor of missiles and speed. Alan Quatermain only shoots other men, the deadliest game of all, and except for one delightfully vulgar exception, the Invisible Man is only used for espionage. Tom Sawyer, Mark Twain’s embodiment of boyhood rebellion and laziness, is a trained killer loyal to Uncle Sam, although the movie gives us little indication that Agent Sawyer is actually Twain’s creation, what with the entire absence of a Southern accent and all.
But, of course, for an action movie, all these super powers are godsends. The movie’s production values are also pretty sweet, in a CG kind of way, with lots of sweeping views of London and Venice reminiscent of “From Hell.” The costumes are all convincing and the villain carries a skull-tipped cane. “LXG’s” stand-out is the Nautilus itself, on the one hand super-sleek and technological, on the other covered in baroque curlicues and statues. The craft is as deadly as anything in “The Hunt for Red October,” despite being as accommodating as a Carnival Cruise. There are also plenty of shiny submachine guns and guys in metal suits carrying flame-throwers.
But “LXG” is so joyless, so uninspired. That the plot consists of the League doing battle with a masked mastercriminal known as the Phantom is not to its discredit. But the movie lumbers from location to location, without even setting up the simple, even juvenile motivations necessary for an action movie. Again and again we are treated to things that don’t add up. The good guys never wonder why the bad guy can pop up anywhere, with an endless supply of gun-wielding goons. And the bad guy, who can be anywhere, always seems at a loss as to how he should make his exit. And how, exactly, do the good guys rescue Venice from being destroyed by bombs, by shooting a missile into it? And why does the bad guy want to get rich anyway, if he can already afford a private army, tanks, homes in London and Venice, and a secret mountain hide-out and factory in the snowy land of MacGuffinville?
Of course these questions don’t have answers, and even if “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” were a good movie they still wouldn’t have answers. But we wouldn’t notice, because we’d be swept up by the action, the characters, and the sense of humor. And if we did notice any logical fallacies, we wouldn’t care. We would only laugh and share in the jolly kick the moviemakers get out of flouting reality, which is the point of movies anyway. But as the movie is, we simply aren’t swept up by anything and there’s no sense that anyone involved even cared if everything added up or not.
Which is a shame, because a movie about Invisible Men and hot vampire chicks and big game hunters and bad guys who giddily pour secret potions over their faces before laughing maniacally could be a lot of fun. The movie is directed by Stephen Norrington, who directed the first “Blade” film. “Blade” is not a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, but is just as ludicrous as “LXG” and infinitely more fun. Any summary of “Blade” ends with a snicker. Any summary of “LXG” does not. The word I’m looking for is “routine.”
Finished April 8th, 2004
Copyright © 2004 Friday & Saturday Night
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