***1/2 (out of ****)
Written & performed by Brad Neely
An unauthorized alternate audio track to the 2001 film “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone,” directed by Chris Columbus & written for the screen by Steven Kloves, from the novel by JK Rowling
152 min
Recorded sometime between 2001 and 2004
NR (should be PG13 or R)
Yes, I’m not only writing a review of that “Harry Potter” parody that’s been floating around the internet, but I’m actually giving it a higher rating than I’ve given any of the “Harry Potter” movies. It’s that funny. Although it took me a while to get into them, the “Harry Potter” films are whimsical, colorful, and high-spirited. But, God bless ‘em, they do need to get taken down a peg. And Brad Neely, the man behind “Wizard People Dear Reader,” who is of course from Austin, is not mean-spirited, does not ridicule the “Potter” films, and does not tease the fans of the books or the movies. But he does put things in perspective and for that I thank him.
It works like this. You go to Illegal Art (http://www.illegal-art.org/video/wizard.html) and downloads parts one and two of “Wizard People Dear Reader.” Then you burn both parts to separate CDs. Then you get out your DVD of “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone,” mute it, and play it and the first CD at the same time. Halfway through you’ll be told to pause the DVD and trade out the CDs.
The whole thing is quite simple. There are no sound effects and no tricks, just Brad Neely narrating “Harry Potter” for you and speaking brand new dialogue. The story is essentially the same as the Rowling book and the Columbus film but somehow…not the same at all. Young Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) now appears to be a raging alcoholic. Hermione (Emma Watson) is hated by everyone at the school. Ron’s (Rupert Grint) sexuality is called into question. There are swear words aplenty, flatulence jokes, and Neely’s narration about how great Harry is is beautifully over-the-top. In fact, Neely blows just about everything out of proportion with a seemingly endless supply of analogies and similes.
Neely’s sense of humor is, of course, appropriately childish, and a great many laughs come from his silly, overwrought voice, which is somewhere between Dr. Demento and Jack Horkheimer, Star Hustler, the five-minute astronomy show that used to come on PBS right after “Dr. Who” and right before the station went of the air. Talking for nearly three hours and keeping it interesting is no mean feat.
Alas, I’m not doing “Wizard People” justice. Let’s let a few lines of dialogue speak for themselves:
Harry’s enemy is described:
“Know this. He is a bad-ass. He could kill anyone, anything. A gorilla or a bear, whatever, anything. Anything but you…You are in a great position. You are an army of wizards Mr. Potter. Use yourself wisely.”
Harry learns about his nemeis:
“Valmart went to Hogwarts and started the Dark Side Club. It was actually the coolest club to be in at first. Everyone got a kick out of being in a club that stories were told about, you know, that’s all anyone ever does anything for anyway, the sake of a story to be made. Well, the club got strict, you had to love evil and not be shy about using murder spells, or else you’d be murdered. Your parents were some of the people who decided not to kill for fun. And so Valmart went to their house and killed them and while he was there he tried to kill you, you as a baby of course. But the spell bounced off your head and hit him instead. Now no one knows if he’s dead, hiding, or hiding as someone else. But what’s for sure is he hates you for not dying. It’s sure that if he’s alive he’ll try to finish off the job. Probably when you’re sleeping and he’ll probably look like someone you love just to make it worse when he murders you. So, you know, be on the look-out for that and, you know, be careful when anyone loves you.”
Harry fights with a classmate and his other classmates approve:
“He gets hold of Malfoyle and, for good measure, crashes his head against the bricks of the castle over and over…he descends upon a cheering crowd of homeys, and newly converted homeys.”
Harry confronts a troublesome teacher:
“I wish you luck in not hating your parents for mixing up such an unthinkable person.”
During the Quidditch game:
“All of Harry’s personalities, hang-ups, and issues are left in the locker room. Here, it is only a seeking machine that is Harry Potter. He is so ravenous, he can hardly keep from flying over and chomping the fingers off his opponents in a gesture of what’s to come!”
A discovery is revealed to Harry by a centaur:
“‘Your arch-enemy, the guy who tried to slay you, the guy who slayed your Mama, is your Dada. Your Dad is a Dracula.’ Harry just goes ahead and vomits right there. Tears mix in with the puke.”
Ron plays magic chess with the forces of evil:
“Harmony farts a nervous fart but no one cares. Everyone of Ron’s atoms is focused on the task at hand. Imagine God creating and then you would have a beginning of an understanding of [Ron’s] massive cerebral cortex at work…Every battle the earth has witnessed looks like a Three Stooges scene compared to this match. Patton, MacArthur, Custard, and Charlemagne look on as astonished ghosts, stuffing their mouths with popcorn and ju-ju beans. The game goes on like Napoleon on Ice.”
Dumbledore reveals secrets about Harry’s Dad:
“Your Dad and I—we go way back. He was an evil bastard. But I loved him. He proofread my novel.”
Harry and his fraternity win the big thing at the end of the movie:
“They get to hold the Stanley Cup and no one can say otherwise. The applause are gigantic. The universe accepts only love today. Everyone is in accordance. Dumbledore sings a little song that sounds like a flute, a flute that was designed by Jesus Christ.”
Page two of "Wizard People Dear Reader." Back to home.