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| "THE TRUEST STORY YOU'VE EVER READ" |
| I HAVE TYPED THIS UP TO SEND AND ERASED THREE TIMES. I GUESS I HAVE MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT IT, BUT I ALSO FEEL IT IS SOMETHING THAT I NEED TO DO. I WROTE THIS POEM 4 YEARS AGO WHILE IN THE HOSPITAL AFTER SEVERAL SUICIDE ATTEMPTS. I HAD BEEN DIAGNOSED A YEAR BEFORE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER AND IT WAS TAKING IT'S TOLL ON ME. I HAD ALLOWED THE DEVIL TO HOLD ME IN THE PALMS OF HIS HANDS, EVEN THOUGH GOD ALWAYS BROUGHT ME THRU, I REJECTED HIM AND STAYED UNDER STRONG CONVICTION FOR YEARS AFTER, UNTIL NOVEMBER 1999 WHEN I RE-DEDICATED MY LIFE TO THE LORD IN A WAY THAT I WILL NEVER LET GO AGAIN. THE PURPOSE OF ME SENDING YOU THIS POEM IS DEFINATELY NOT FOR ENTERTAINMENT, I DONT EVEN WANT YOU TO LIKE IT. IT NOT ONLY PROVES HOW GOD HAS PULLED ME OUT OF WHAT SEEMED TO BE NO WIN SITUATIONS WHEN I WASNT EVEN SERVING HIM AND HOW THE HOLY SPIRIT CAN ALWAYS BEAT THE DEVIL. IT WAS THE PRAYERS OF MY MOTHER AND GRANDPARENTS THAT GOD HAD ANSWERED. I CERTAINLY WASNT WORTHY OF IT. I OWE GOD EVERYTHING, MY LIFE, MY MIND, ALL THAT IS WITHIN ME. I ALSO WANT TO IMPRESS THAT EVERYDAY WE COME IN CONTACT WITH PEOPLE THAT WE KNOW AND SOME WE DONT. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT SOMEONE IS GOING THRU. THEY MAY KEEP THERE STRUGGLES SILENT DUE TO PRIDE OR EMBARASSMENT AS I DID, WE AS CHRISTIANS SHOULD ALWAYS BE OPEN TO THE HOLY SPIRIT TO LEAD US WHEREVER OR TO WHOMEVER. WE SIT BESIDE PEOPLE AT CHURCH EVERY WEEK, BUT DO WE REALLY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE STRUGGLING WITH? SOMETIMES A HUG, ENCOURAGING WORD, OR JUST A SIMPLE SMILE MAY MAKE A DIFFERENCE. THE DEVIL HAS A WAY TO MAKE OUR PROBLEMS SEEM IRRATIONAL WHEN RATIONAL, UNSOLVABLE WHEN SOLVABLE, AND MORE STRESSFUL THAN IT ACTUALLY IS. EVEN THOUGH WE LAY ALL OUR TROUBLES DOWN AT JESUS' FEET, WE ARE HUMAN. I JUST WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT OTHERS AND FEEL THE COMPASSION TOWARDS OTHERS AS WE SHOULD. (I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ME, I AM TALKING ABOUT OTHERS). YOU JUST DONT KNOW HOW A SIMPLE "I AM PRAYING FOR YOU" CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. I KNOW IT MADE A DIFFERENCE TO ME, AND I THANK THOSE WHO FELT IN THIER SPIRIT I NEEDED PRAYER AND FOLLOWED THAT CALLING. I LOVE MY CHURCH FAMILY AND I THANK GOD EVERYDAY HE GAVE ME YET ANOTHER CHANCE TO TESTIFY HIS NAME. THIS POEM WAS WROTE IN VERSE BECAUSE THAT WAS THE WAY I EXPRESSED MYSELF, READ IT CAREFULLY AND YOU WILL SEE WHO WON: THE DEVIL VS. THE HOLY SPIRIT SHE WAKES UP TO THE MORNING LIGHT FATIGUED WITH THE BATTLES SHE FOUGHT AL NIGHT TEARS BEGAN TO SWELL HER EYES NO HOLDING BACK, HOW HARD SHE TRIES HOW CAN I MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY? PLEASE GOD HELP SHE TRIED TO PRAY SHE REACHES FOR PILLS, TWO EACH DAWN TO ME HER HAPPY, LESS WITHDRAWN BY NOON SHE'S IN PANIC, SHAKEN WITH FEAR THEN COMES ANOTHER UNWELCOMED TEAR SHE TAKES A PILL TO CALM HER DOWN SO IN JUST A WHILE SHE'LL BE FACE DOWN BY EVENING SHE'S MANIC WOUND UP LIKE A TOY SHE TAKES HER PILL, THERE GOES THE JOY..... MONTHS AND MONTHS JUST SEEM TO PASS BY SOME DAYS SHE CRIES, OTHERS SHE FLIES ONE LATE AFTERNOON SHE COULD BEAR NO MORE THOSE PILLS IN THOSE BOTTLES WERE SUCH A CHORE IT WAS TIME TO STOP, RELIEVE HER PAIN SO CONFUSED, SHE COULDN'T EXPLAIN NO ONE COULD SEE HER PRIVATE HELL NO ONE COULD CRACK HER HARDENED SHELL THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND HER SOUL WAS DYING SHE WAS SO SICK AND TIRED OF EVEN TRYING IT WAS TIME TO END THE HORRIBLE LIFE FILLED WITH RAGE, PAIN AND STRIFE SHE WENT TO THE CABINET FIGHTING THE THOUGHT CRIED FOR HER CHILDREN, FEELING DISTRAUGHT HOW COULD SHE BE THE MOTHER SHE SHOULD WHEN SHE FELT INADEQUATE, MISUNDERSTOOD THEY HAD ALREADY GONE TO THEIR FATHERS TO LIVE THEY TOLD HER SHE DIDINT HAVE NOTHING TO GIVE HER SOUL WAS RIPPED IN SO MANY PARTS HOW COULD SHE DO IT AND BREAK THEIR HEARTS? REASON SUBSIDED, SHE KNEW HER PLAN WHEN SHE WOULD DIE, SHE'D TAKE A STAND PROVE SHE WAS UNWORTHY TO LIVE ANYMORE NO SHAME NO GUILT NO MORE SHE WOULD BORE SHE KEPT HEARING THE VOICE INSIDE HER HEAD "GO AHEAD AND DO IT, NO ONE CARES IF YOURE DEAD" SHE CLOSED HER EARS SO SHE COULDN'T HEAR BUT THE VOICE WAS COMING CLOSER AND NEAR AS SHE SWALLOWED HER PILLS, HER MIND DESCENDED THE HEARTACHE HAD ENDED SOON SHE WAS OUT, PEACEFULLY ASLEEP SLEEPING SO HEAVING, SLEEPING SO DEEP IT SEEMED LIKE SECONDS, A VOICE CAME AGAIN THIS ONE WAS DIFFERENT, IT SEEMED TO BE A FRIEND? "WAKE UP MYCHILD, YOURE NOT LEAVING YET" YOU CAN'T ESCAPE, BUT YOU CAN FORGET" THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN, THEY LOVE YOU SO "WAKE UP WAKE UP, YOU WILL NOT GO" HER EYES SLOWLY OPENED, HER SURROUNDINGS UNCLEAR SHE LAY IN A ROOM, "HOW DID SHE GET HERE" THERE WERE TUBES AND MONITORS ATTATCHED TO HER BODY SHE WAS SO CONFUSED AND STILL SO GROGGY THE DOCTOR WALKED IN AND TOOK HER HAND HE SAID " YOURE A LUCKY GIRL AFTER WHAT YOU HAD PLANNED" SHE LOOKED IN HIS EYES SHAKEN AND SCARED "I DID IT AGAIN, NOBODY CARED" "THANKYOU FOR WAKING ME, BEING MY FRIEND" "YOU'VE BEEN HERE ALONE" DORI, "I JUST WALKED IN"................. DORI THANK YOU JESUS FOR SAVING MY LIFE, SOUL AND SPIRIT, PLEASE GIVE ME THE WISDOM TO BE SENSITIVE TO YOU TO KNOW WHEN SOMEONE NEEDS HELP OR ENCOURAGEMENT. I PRAY THIS PRAYER FOR ALL OF YOU. I LOVE YOU DORI |
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