Can Men and Women Really Make a Permanent and Exclusive Commitment to Each Other?
He was a 35 year old adolescent, a non-practicing lawyer with a two million dollar trust fund left him by his doting father, which allowed him to play the role of the non-working " gentleman". He spent his time roller blading, dining at exotic restaurants and running to trendy parties in his "tuxedo." He and his girl friend, his sex partner for a year, sat, for the first and only time together, in my office confronting the inevitable and critical question of " Where do we go from here?"
She, with a position apparently inexplicable to him, was raising the question of marriage. With wide eyed amazement, he insisted that sex before marriage was much better than after. Why marry? Why not leave things as they are? They were having " carefree" fun and running in the correct social circles. From his point of view, marriage would ruin everything. You know - - children and all that………..It was madness to consider it. From his standpoint, after all, the sexual was THE index of what life is all about. Without sexual behavior, people get sick, at least clearly unhappy, right? Besides, sex activity exists for itself- - autonomous without any necessary link to intimacy or fidelity or "love." Exclusive and permanent commitment to ONE person is impossible! Even gays in their monogamous "relationships" permit sexual exploration with others - - as long as there is emotional constancy present! So why the big fuss?
So, with a straight face, he said to her: " I don't owe you anything." Their year together was without strings and quite commonplace in their "Crowd." After all, this is our contemporary culture. Toleration of cohabitation is common, even approved. Contraceptive practice is similarly approved. Abortion is legal. A famous bed-experienced and oft married actress had said publicly that she shouldn't be expected to sleep even one night alone. SOMEBODY should be available for her! Explicit sexual scenes are all over films and television. This is the "greening" of America. A famous sports figure, accused of raping a teen age girl, insists that he committed no crime but (though allegedly happily married) engaged merely in consentual adultery. The dismal divorce statistics indicate poor levels of permanent commitment. Sex rules! (Incidentally, the latest research is showing that the risk of divorce is 50% higher for previously married cohabiters than for non- cohabiters.)
Nevertheless, this young woman, though brainwashed by HIS distortions, and now in her early thirties, with her biological clock ticking faster than she wished, had become increasingly uneasy. The rapid (and vapid) social whirl was beginning to lose it appeal. Somewhere deep in her psyche a wish for a child was forming concurrent with the unpleasant, dawning awareness that she had been " used." Previously, She had quizzed me with some pathos and not a little desperation, "You don't expect me to be chaste until I marry, do you?" My personal expectations are obviously irrelevant but her own are immensely important. She was, psychologically, addressing the question to herself. She had graduated from a prestigious Catholic college and knew the expectations of her own culture, religion and personal conscience. Her task was to wrestle with and make sense of the inner turmoil which was so highly predictable in the light of the factors operating in her life.
It is highly probable that sex ALONE is ultimately unsatisfying and ultimately self limiting. Without the growth and richness which come with real intimacy and true love, coupling gradually weakens as does the bond so shakily and principally based on the physical. Commitment, with this kind of scenario, becomes highly unlikely.
Sex between people who do not love one another and who are not willing to become completely responsible for the "other" does incalculable damage because such behavior assumes a kind of split - - - between body and soul. As if the body existed by itself!
The Playboy described above would do well to reflect on the work of the poet Audre Lorde who says: " the erotic is that which allows us deep connection with others, giving joy, creative energy and the capacity for feeling: that which empowers persons to change the world: that which is the deep yes within the self."… but that the erotic dimension of life is NOT dependent on sexual intercourse. The erotic is not necessarily physical!
One of my clients was a 52 year old man who frequented young prostitutes. His wife, finally, discovered his practice and was (obviously) emotionally shattered. In their interview with me, he admitted that he needed to be reassured that he "still had it" i.e. the physical sexual ability to "perform" with young women, his daughter's age. Between him and his middle aged wife, there was little warmth or affirmation. In spite of his personal rationalization, his real dynamic was to seek even a fleeting, illusory feeling of being loved to compensate for the shallow and miserable "relationship" he had with his wife. It wasn't his sexual skills which needed bolstering but the sense of his own value. One might argue that the truly erotic was singularly lacking in his sad sexual behavior.
How widespread is this superficiality? This adolescence? We hear much of " deconstructionism" with its massive assault on absolute truth and its powerful invitation to an existence free of restraint. We hear of persuasive thinkers like Kohut, the apostle of Narcissism, inclining us to the " OK, fellas, let's shove off. I'm aboard" attitude. Does such thinking really rule our country? Are there any stable, grown ups around? Are there people who do not exploit each other or withhold love? Are there people who really know what intimacy means? What trust means? Are there people who understand that Marriage is THE place to develop trust and love and intimacy and adulthood? Are there any people who understand and practice "commitment"?
The questions are obviously rhetorical! In spite of the ravaging of the term, "moral majority", most Americans do believe in the " rightness" and value of Marriage. This is where men and women COMMIT to each other, ideally for life!! This is the outcome of the great teaching of Holy Scripture - -"a man leaves his home and cleaves to a woman and becomes one flesh." One finds this as the teaching of Jesus in Matthew (19:6). One finds it in Genesis and in the Bible taken a whole. Of course, mature people believe and live such an injunction!
Certainly, truly adult people know and cherish the sexual dimension of their relationship as an essential to their commitment and their mutual consolation. Yet, adults see the man/woman relationship as broader than the physical. They see that emotional, spiritual, social and intellectual dimensions are needed to round out a relationship which can stand the pressures of day to day living. (This means the ability and willingness to SACRIFICE for the relationship, a behavior difficult for the adolescent adult). An adult relationship generally results in children whereby the development of the spouses can grow far beyond the pleasure level of skating and trendy restaurants.
But, rather than read the perceptions of a psychologist, however experienced in years of marriage counseling and seasoned by long life, let us scan the concrete example of an adult man and an adult woman.
Her name is Barbara and he is Paul. Both in their 70's and in retirement, they live a quasi-perpetual honeymoon near a creek on the Virginia Eastern shore after nearly 54 years of marriage with 12 children, 40 grandchildren (#41 en route).
He was a resident physician (ultimately to become a spectacularly eminent general surgeon) and she a Nurse in the OR of a very large general hospital in New York City. They each attended Mass daily at a nearby Dominican Church, caught each other's eye, dated, fell deeply in love and began a prototypic love relationship which has astounded and awed many, many people over the years. It is interesting and significant that the basis of their relationship was and has been, not association with the " beautiful" people, but with God.
It is also significant that they have placed each other first BEFORE all others. Each is totally trusting that primacy of affection and attention belongs to the other. No one can break this alliance. Not even children. Correspondingly (to a psychologist's eye), all of their children became "Aces." All are hard driving, competitive, self reliant people. They are physicians, nurses, bankers, investment consultants, educators, business execs. But all know that their parents have this unique relationship which is not only unbreakable but which (with God's help and hard work and love) is, within limits, highly replicable. In fact, all their children have, consciously or not, tried to replicate their early familial recollections into their own families. Let the debate on Nature versus nurture take note!
Paul taught his boys how to hunt and shoot and all the microbehaviors associated with men. Voila! All the males turn out masculine. There is NO trace of gender ambiguity among them. Barbara taught the girls how to cook (she, herself, is a superb chef), how to love babies and how to enjoy running a home. Again, voila! The females are all feminine. Intelligent, capable and ambitious as they are, they are ALL real women.. How did this happen? Granting the ever present genetic reality, one is forced to conclude that the ENVIRONMENT has over ridden any possibility that this is all biologically planned. The correlations are too powerful to dismiss the obvious. The children have clearly identified with the same sex parent. Physical constitutionality and temperament certainly play a part in anyone's ultimate character, but the data suggest that the biological is not necessarily destiny. It looks like Environment is enormously determinative.
Since both parents are outgoing and hospitable, interacting easily with others, so go their children. On numerous occasions, when I would visit them in their Long Island home, the children, even as young as seven or eight, would approach me with the " Can I get you anything?" question. This hospitality is not the result of the ganglia but of learning and imitation.
When I would compliment Paul on his extraordinary
children, he would instantly say (in her presence), "The credit all belongs to my BRIDE." The spousal respect that I have seen in their kids' marriages stems directly from the parental example which they have so obviously incorporated into their own lives.
The drab and tawdry approach to the sexual as described in the opening paragraphs is the exact opposite of the Catholic insight. The juvenile playboy lawyer has no notion of what sexuality really means even though he pursues sex with a frenetic and apparently insatiable vengeance.
Paul and Barbara know, appreciate and enjoy the God designed dimension of the sexual in their lives. And so do their kids. I recall being at their table for dinner, with Paul about to carve a piece of steaming hot, deliciously smelling hunk of beef. The kids, with eyes gleaming in anticipation, shouted in great affirmation when Paul said very loudly: " Mom, this makes me hot for your body."
This is truly Catholic and devoid of repression but quite conscious of suppression (or self control.) Playboys seem either unaware of or are unable to see the distinction. Knowing the difference can enable a life of joy and fun and laughter. My poor Playboy one-time client had such a hangdog look!
How much fun we had playing softball in the backyard with Paul, Skippering one team, and I, the other. We had fierce ping pong tournaments and highly competitive touch foot ball and energetic three on a side basketball contests. We had Holy Mass in the House around the dining room table with the kids and neighbors. We had serious discussions about the meaning of life and the world and sports and God.
It is alleged that Julian the Apostate when dying uttered his admission of defeat: " Thou hast conquered, O pale Galilean, and the world has grown gray with Thy breath." Poor old Julian couldn't have been more wrong about "gray" and "pale". If only he were to experience the Christian commitment of people like Paul and Barbara! Au contraire, the world grows joyful and alive - - - when the breath of Jesus truly flows into one's life. Anyone's life!
At one of our backyard games, Barbara and one of her well intentioned women neighbors sat watching the lively competition. The neighbor, with all good, if short sighted, intentions whispered to Barbara: " Really Barbara, you have had enough children (there were NINE at that point) - - you should stop now."
Barbara, sensitive as always, didn't have the heart to tell the do-gooder that she was pregnant with number TEN! And number ten went on to become a beautiful woman, a skillful pediatrician and the mother of five bouncy and happy kids. Because Barbara believes in the beauty and sacredness of life, she has listened to the whisperings of Jesus and knows what Joy means. What happened to her neighbor's joy meter?
So, Can men and women make permanent, lifelong commitments to each other? It depends. On what?
Can all couples be like Paul and Barbara? Can all couples have 12 top level children? Does every one have the health and the temperament and the money and the Faith they do? Clearly no.
They are the ideal but ideals are necessary for any kind of growth. But attributes such as common sense, maturity, a spirit of sacrifice, an understanding of what love means and a huge Faith in God are possible for many. Commitment IS a possibility - - for the vast majority - - - even if without children! Without such attributes, commitment between men and women (who have such widely divergent traits ----and Vive la Difference) becomes a fantasy.
For those who can live real commitment in marriage, the greatest happiness available to the human race this side of Heaven, is theirs. Their reward is enormous both here and hereafter. How I wish I could enlighten my sad eyed Playboy client as he chases his tail and spins his wheels! What was the old saw? " You can lead a horse to water………" Well, I guess I'll just pray for him. Maybe to St. Anne or St. Joseph! As they say in the really hip circles: " He doesn't know what he is missing."
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