PARENTING IS ONE TOUGH JOB !
Not for Adolescent Grownups!
Since I am unmarried
and not a parent ( with maximum probability at 81 of remaining so), I
am in an excellent position to give many theoretical and armchair answers.
Realistically, however,I am in an even better
position to pose some very hard questions with, alas, very few
practical conclusions.The only conclusion I can doggedly
hold is that on this
contemporary scene Parenting is the MOST difficult role for anyone to
manage. And
existentially, the most important.
That so many human beings
turn out fairly well developed and fairly well balanced is
a tribute either to the benevolence of
an all-powerful Lord or
to an inherent and basic
homestatsis towards emotional and spiritual health.
After working many,many years as
a family counselor,
marital therapist and psychologist, I hold that the myriad
tragedies,psychosexual disorientation and confusions,mis-direction of
attitudes, self desructive tendencies
and psychic pain can often be traced
to
If there is any principle of principles or Broad Brush Outline,I suspect that it is encased in the title of a book I saw in a Long Island bookshop: THE GREATEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE YOUR CHILDREN IS TO LOVE YOUR SPOUSE. It not the newest sports equipment, stero or the latest look in teen age duds. Kids are imitators. What they see, they do.
When they experience
demonstrated affection between parents, respect and fairness,
willingness to sacrifice one's own wishes in order to please the
other, truth telling,patient listening to each other, steadfast belief in
some kind of value, a quiet firmness in dealing with destructive forces,
they,like all of us, ingest and incorporate values - - - even if they
are not aware of what is happening ! In effect, this is a
quasi-spirituality, a quality without which, nothing ultimately
matters in life.
What is happiness ? What is love ? While we struggle for answers, it is probably in the family structure where one can most likely find satisfying answers. My hunch is apparently very un-American and non-hip but which argues that kids have a better chance at becoming mature,loving,generous adults if THEY ARE PUT SECOND ! It sounds prima facie to be that the fault, my dear Brutus, lies NOT in the stars but in ourselves.This, I believe, is valuable beyond words and when this child learns by observing loving and mature parents, he has a great shot at a a happy and fulflled life.
It has been said that
parenting is not for sissies! Even after the somewhat fun filled
little kid period, parents face huge difficulties in the
teen years ! My old friend Haim Ginott from NYU of long ago,used to say that the
hardest thing for parents is "letting go"
All of us like control and power but to see one's kids grow up and get
out from under one's influence and control, can be mightily
problematic. Yet, it is probably very damaging to hang on to young adults beyond the age when they SHOULD leave the nest.
So,
how do you prepare ? How do you raise your kids with love but
also respect? How do you make SURE that your kids feel loved and
worthwhile? How do you show them unconditional love? With no strings! How do you show that
they do NOT have to proving themselves constantly? How do you
keep your kids from being people pleasers? How do you spare your kids
the pain of perfectionism? How do you help them grow up
with a respect for themselves,for others, for the Law, for GOD? How do
you give your kids the essential element of God and Church
and truth and morality? Quite a tough job. You
deserve a medal. Good luck and may God be with you in this
wonderful, beautiful, meaningful, but oh so difficult calling. By the way, remember to practice what you preach. Finally,let us all recall
that ALL God's children occasionally need some kind of love,affirmation and acknowledgement. Even
the grown up kids you work with or know ! ( surprise! that means you and me) We may be grown ups but
on a more profound level we are all little kids..