What is a man? Is Physical Maleness the same as Masculinity?
When I asked the brother of a hospitalized friend of mine for the diagnosis of the patient, the brother replied: " When he comes home, he will be less of a man." The surgical procedure was to be an orchiectomy or the removal of testes. I was surprised that his brother would seem to equate the physical dimension of anatomy with something non-physical or characterologic. Or was he speaking only of the physical? In which case masculinity was not the question, since the physical does not necessarily relate (according to the insights of this piece) with being a REAL man.
Apparently, however, such a quick mental link is fairly common. I have heard, more than once, a male boast to another of his own superior " manhood" because he had produced a child while the other had not. There was no mention of character, commitment or bravery. This emphasis on the physical has obviously been around for millennia. I recall from my childhood the famous Charles Atlas ad promising to change the " 90 pound weakling" into a REAL man simply by following a few months of expensive exercises. Then, the bully would no longer kick sand in his face and embarrass him before the shapely girl accompanying him! Was the subtle message really a sexual one implying that the new bulging musculature would facilitate his doing the real man thing? - - - - copulation without responsibility or commitment. Luv 'em and leave 'em!
The stereotype is still about. It covers a wide range on a spectrum. A male is not a real man unless he, like John Wayne, can bop into unconsciousness the local loudmouth who terrorizes elderly women and children. A real male is quick and strong and big and could play running back for the New York Giants. Or knock back two six packs and still be sober enough to drive his Jaguar down the Freeway. A real man never cries, gets discouraged but who can, like the Duke say: " It's nothing. It's only a broken arm." He settles things with fists, guns or knives. Or possibly he deflowers as many young women as he can, gets personally involved with none, peppers his speech with Marine adjectives and likes his stereo on very loud.
So, what is a man? What does it mean to be a man? Is it subjective? Is it cultural?
In the brutality of the Auschwitz prison camp during World War II, a Franciscan Priest named Max Kolbe freely offered himself for execution in the place of a young married man allowing that man to return ultimately to his young family back home. Could we call Kolbe a real man? A brave and generous MAN?
A brilliant, popular, successful Chancellor of the English Realm submits to the loss of everything, including decapitation, rather than compromise his own soul, his integrity and his God. Could we call Thomas More a real man? How does the modern male of the "Beautiful people set" line up with such a MAN? Do the Jaguars and the Hamptons and the coke snorting and big bank accounts and the dinners at Elaine's make a male masculine? If not, what does?
Cardinal John O'Connor, in the face of powerful challenges from every side, stood fast in his articulation of the Catholic faith in the sophisticated New York area. He was pressured almost every week to enter the 20th century and "adapt" to the times. For example, he was deeply saddened to see raging, out of control gay activists desecrate the Blessed Eucharist before him in St. Patrick's Cathedral in an attempt to have him accept the gay view of sexual functioning.
Not only was such an outrage ineffectual but it allowed the man, Cardinal O'Connor, to forgive these sad, disordered people. He, being a real Christian and truly masculine was able to forgive the miscreants. He held to his convictions, resisted any pressure to " people please" and yet was loving and forgiving even to those who maltreated him.
This masculine man treated women with respect and affection. He was unthreatened because he WAS masculine. Is it unmanly to hold the door for a woman? Or to help her on with her coat? Is it unmanly to be kind to children and the elderly and the weak? Or is the manly man the one who follows the Zulu tradition of making the woman follow three paces behind?
He was compassionate, yet firm, demanding what God expects. He never quit when " the going got tough." His goal was not personal and universal acceptance but the approval of his own conscience. At the same time, who was to say that he did not fear rejection and rebuke?
A real man does feel fear BUT does the job in spite of his fear. A real man can feel terribly alone as he speaks his truth but he speaks it anyway. A real man can feel discouraged and near tears but he faces his responsibility and commitment anyway. A real man speaks plainly, without equivocation, after the fashion of Jesus Who says: " Let thy speech be yea or nay but because it is not, I will vomit thee out of My mouth." A real man accepts the consequences of such truth telling and blames no one but himself should things go wrong. Was Shakespeare speaking this way through Caesar when he said: " The fault, my dear Brutus, is not in the stars, but in ourselves"?
Was not General Eisenhauer acting manfully when he prepared a note BEFORE the D day landing in Normandy accepting the total responsibility should the invasion fail? Such adult behavior is rarely found among non-masculine males. The father of the family who spends his check on boozing or whoring or drugs while his family languishes at home is no man! He is a juvenile. The adolescent male of 30 who beds young women simply lustfully and who insists that " no one will interfere with my pleasure" is not only beneath contempt but is unworthy to called a " man." He is only a male. After all, how much character and intelligence are needed for copulation?
Real men will honor their commitments and will loyally struggle with their responsibilities in spite of pain and fear and burden. My friend Harry K. who takes care of his invalided wife, feeding her cleaning her and telling her that he loves her, is a man. It would be easier for him to abandon her to a nursing home which he will not do because he is a man. It is clearly more than Big Talk. Character shows itself in action.
Stephen L. Carter, the law professor at Yale Law school sums it up, in my mind, in his book INTEGRITY. Character, virtue, maturity, balance, all stem from this term Integrity which requires THREE factors:
1. I must know exactly what is vitally important to me and which I passionately believe - - my convictions, my values my meaning.
2. I must live in accord with these convictions as best I can.
3. I must be willing to articulate these values whenever I am asked. I cannot conceal or hide or
Cover them up.
This is what makes a male masculine. And it coincides with the great teaching of Our Divine leader Who teaches that greater love than this, no man has than to lay down his life for his friend. In effect, the masculine man knows how to love and how to be truly good to another; he knows how to put the welfare of others, lovingly, before his own.
God grant us real men!!!!!! The times demand them!