| we do not create alone. this is something i wouldn't admit to anyone for the last five years. not even myself. i wanted to think that i made myself. that i caused the beauty in my voice. what a foolish thing to think. but God has this certain way of moving, i think it's called mysteriously. so mysteriously he is moving, and i am finally letting myself be moved. the funny thing about that whole concept is the fact that i do not own my body, nor do i own my voice. not do i own the fingers that clutch the instrument. i have a habit of hiding behind the instrument. (do any of you know that about me?) so back to the moving and the owning. i am not my own. and now i know i have no choice but to say this out loud. (and a little louder for the people in the back...) |
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| so i think that maybe some of you are wondering what on earth i have been doing with myself for the last few months.... i'll tell you. i have been reading a lot. well, i've always read quite a bit. i guess i should say that the books i've been reading are a little heavier than what i was accustomed to. a little deeper than i would allow myself to dig. what is it about speaking the truth that makes me feel like an undressed angel? what is it about the songs i've been singing that makes me think i didn't really write them after all, and there is something so much bigger than "me" at work here? "we do not create alone." this is something madeleine l'engle said in her book walking on water. this book has been an enormous influence on me. for the last two years i have been dealing with the whole music-from-the-stage thing. i've actually been playing shows for a decade now. (!) but these last few years i've grown weary of the whole scene thing...of all the clothes and bands and et cetera. simply put, i'm tired of playing gileah. (what is simply put is not simple at all.) i'm tired of trying to be cool. i'm tired of being a minor-league rock star. for me, being a minor-league rock star is spitting in God's face. for me, it is saying "look what i can do. i write songs/sing/play guitar. i do all of this by myself. so there." this attitude belittles Christ's very existence. the great and amazing things he did, he did so humbly. the very small thing i do, of singing from the stage, i do so calling attention to myself. for me, being a minor-league rock star is self-glorifying. so i quit. but before i take my leave, i would like to put the record straight, as much as i can. any beauty my music might have had, any truth my songs might have stumbled upon...these things are gifts, and i took them lightly. i cannot be casual about this. ALL of the glory that i so vainly took as glory that i was due, is in reality due to the one who created me. i am nothing without him. i am in complete darkness without him. my heart is black, and there is only one who can brighten the darkest corners of the blackest heart. (i believe that God's shadow is light...) so i thank him for the gifts, for the light, for the life he lived so humbly, for his death...i often forget that he died so tragically and painfully, and that my sins sent him there. and i thank him for the eternal life i was promised when he conquered death. i cannot be casual about these things. i refuse to live my life flippantly, ignoring the fact that i was created simply to glorify God. simply to glorify him. it is the least i can do, in the light of everything he's done for me. and maybe one day i will sing again in front of people other than my family and chris and God, but only if that is what he wants. i want only to do what he calls me to.... and if i sing again, i hope that at the last judgement the angels will produce my works of art as testimony on my behalf. ~gileah gileah07@yahoo.com |
| now the ears of my ears are awake and now the eyes of my eyes are opened e.e. cummings |
| to be a witness does not consist in engagaing in propaganda, nor even in stirring people up, but in being a living mystery. it means to live life in such a way that one's life would not make sense if God did not exist..... cardinal suhard |
| recommended reading: c.s. lewis "all that is not eternal is eternally out of date" my favorite book of his is till we have faces. but there are so many more. if you need help deciding what to read, write me. madeleine l'engle "we are all more than we know" of course, walking on water. john bunyan the pilgrim's progress "some must dance while others weep" the book of ecclesiates "and how does the wise man die? as the fool!" the rest of the bible, while you're at it recommended listening: i don't know anymore. i'm not really into vague lyrics. and they're so hard to escape in any genre. the innocence mission has a really great album out, "christ is my hope". that's the only one i'm going to stand behind right now. although i'm sure there are more. |
| gileah alternate title: disappeared. a statement of faith |
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