| How You Can Get Help |
| You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she: Is jealous or possessive toward you. Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding. Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships. Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly. Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with. Abuses drugs or alcohol. Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. Blames you when he or she mistreats you. Has a history of bad relationships. Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being. You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do. Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends. Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child. Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control. Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain. You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones. You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do. Does the person you love... • constantly keep track of your time? • act jealous and possessive? • accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting? • discourage your relationships with friends and family? • prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school? • constantly criticize or belittle you? • control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.) • humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.) • destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items? • have affairs? • threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon? • push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children? • force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with? If you are in an abusive relationship: Abusive relationships do not change without sustained individual and couples therapy specifically targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns. These relationships cannot be changed from one side, it takes mutual honesty, openness and willingness from both parties to work through these issues. Group therapy is highly recommended for abusers, as it helps them to break through the denial that is generally a part of the abusive patterns. (People in denial generally recognize their own dysfunctional behavior in others more easily than in themselves.) This applies to the partners of abusers as well - group helps them to break through the denial by seeing the relationship patterns from a wider view. Certain personality types are more prone to abusive relationships. If the abuser is unwilling to own their behavior and seek help the prudent course of action is to remove yourself totally from the situation. This is painful, but is generally safer and ultimately better for both parties than allowing the cycle of abuse to continue. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave - stepping out of the cycle enrages the abuser, as it shatters their illusion of control. (75% of women killed by their abusive partners are murdered after they leave.) Learn how to protect and care for yourself. Detachment with love is difficult, but the best solution if your partner is unwilling to work though the issues. Help is readily available for both parties in abusive relationships. These relationships cannot be changed from one side. Remember that by staying you are condoning and enabling the abuse - and helping your partner to stay sick. If your partner is unwilling to get help the only safe course of action is to totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own. If you are thinking about leaving... consider these: Call the police If you feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time, you can call 911 or your local police. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone. If you are in danger when the police come, they can protect you. They can help you and your children leave your home safely. They can arrest your abuser when they have enough proof that you have been abused. They can arrest your abuser if a personal protection order (PPO) has been violated. When the police come, tell them everything the abuser did that made you call. If you have been hit, tell the police where. Tell them how many times it happened. Show them any marks left on your body. Marks may take time to show up. If you see a mark after the police leave, call the police to take pictures of the marks. They may be used in court. If your abuser has broken any property, show the police. The police can give you information on domestic violence programs and shelters. The police must make a report saying what happened to you. Police reports can be used in court if your abuser is charged with a crime. Get the officers' names, badge numbers, and the report number in case you need a copy of the report. A police report can be used to help you get a PPO. Get support from friends and family Tell your supportive family, friends and co-workers what has happened. Find a safe place It is not fair. You should not have to leave your home because of what your abuser has done. But sometimes it is the only way you will be safe. There are shelters that can help you move to a different city or state. HAVEN can put you in touch with them. Get medical help If you have been hurt, go to the hospital or your doctor. Domestic violence advocates (people to help you) may be called to the hospital. They are there to give you support. You may ask medical staff to call one for you. Medical records can be important in court cases. They can also help you get a PPO. Give all the information about your injuries and who hurt you that you feel safe to give. Special medical concerns Sometimes you may not even know you are hurt. What seems like a small injury could be a big one. If you are pregnant and you were hit in your stomach, tell the doctor. Many abusers hurt unborn children. Domestic violence victims can be in danger of closed head injuries. This is because their abusers often hit them in the head. If any of these things happen after a hit to the head, get medical care right away. Memory loss Dizziness Problems with eyesight Throwing-up Headache that will not go away |
|
 |
 |