Sitting by the window, staring at the sky, wondering what might lie beyond the distant stars? Our thoughts are filled with visions of uncertainty. To catch a glimpse of the future would remove some of the frustration. Just to know what tomorrow might bring would put away the apprehension and extinguish the flames of fear. Unknown to us are challenges and choices. Unseen by us are victories and accomplishments. If only we might be masterful in unlocking all these secrets. If only we could look ahead revealing tomorrow's mysteries.
Reflecting on our past, we are able to recall each and every incident bringing joy, happiness, yes even pain and tears. The memory is an awesome feature, storing visions of yesterday's endeavors. The day the Neurologist relayed your diagnosis, although foggy, it will never be forgotten. I cannot assume to understand exactly what you were feeling, but I can share precisely my emotions at that time. It was a day of torture as I awaited the confirmation. Speculating my diagnosis to be Multiple Sclerosis, I tried to prepare myself. The doctor flipping through my chart, sent my mind in a spin. There was also a moment of relief as this affliction was given a name. From that moment on, I knew it was MS. Sitting on the hospital bed, listening to my report, my thoughts quickly drifted to peer into my future. What might tomorrow bring as I returned to my home? How might MS disrupt the course of my life? My ambitions, my goals, what might happen to them? My career, my dreams, where would all of this fit in? The moment of truth unleashed crazy sensations, sending my mind in a tizzy of panic and worry.
"Looking forward to what," may have been my reaction? What was there to look forward to with this new revelation? As I sat on my sofa feeling tired and weak, optimism was not at the top of my list. In fact, more times than naught I felt depressed and afraid. I was not one to worry but what was I supposed to do? With two children to think about, their care my responsibility, my mind was bombarded with torment. How could I plan ahead for their education or anything else for that matter? My days as a career woman were over as I knew it. Suddenly I felt an enormous dependancy on my husband and family, a feeling I was not accustomed to. "Perhaps with time," I thought, "I will adjust."
Time has a unique way of sorting through awkward circumstances. With the closure of my Salon, I had lost many things including my self-esteem. My confidence down the tube, I wondered when or if I would ever reclaim the sense of accomplishment that I once experienced? It took awhile but slowly my self-worth was rejuvenated. Day by day I started to piece my world back together. The day arrived when I turned to writing as a form of therapy. I discovered through penning my thoughts and feelings, I was able to deal with this transformation in my life. I soon learned that there was a wealth of possibilities for this retired chick. Since that day, I have felt accomplishment through the publication of "A Child of The King." I've regained my confidence through sharing my story with others. I have been blessed over and over since that day back in October 1998, a day when all I could look forward to was bleakness and uncertainty. Today I have a future, one equipped with optimism and hope. At present, I am proofreading my second book which has been accepted for publication. I am continuing to write hoping to motivate others. Each time I hear confirmation of this ambition, I am rewarded.
No longer will I sit dwelling on the possibilities of MS. No doubt, I will always be aware of my limitations. I choose to look ahead to a future of promise. Only time can tell what the course of this disease may be. Until that time, when I am forced to face the wilds of MS, I intend to live each day to the fullest. Taking the bad with the good, I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
By: Joanne Blundell Marsh