It has been a while since I last wrote. Suprise, suprise. I guess I'm not the best blogger. I don't know how some people make the time to do it everyday.
I have been an instructor in my Elder's quorum class since December. What were they thinking? :) I have taught at least three times. Sometimes it has been difficult, but overall I am happy to have a calling again. I have wanted to serve in some capacity so that I could show Heavenly Father I am interested in strengthing my testimony.
I still experience surges of anger towards the church at times. I feel alone sometimes. At the current moment I am not feeling so angry and I hope I can learn to be less critical. I think the the only reason I say this is because I know I am not suppose to criticize the church (i.e. the church continually reminds me in little ways that the critical member is not a good member). It is my 'Laman and Lemuel' complex. And I have to ask "Did Nephi ever murmur?" If we had Lehi's book of scripture or Laman and Lemuel's journals would there be an account of a Nephi murmur? Nephi acknowledged his imperfections in 2 Nephi chapter 4, but he doesn't list a lot of details (skillful editing?). I am so happy he mentioned his imperfections though, somehow it makes me more hopeful.
The things I have struggled with lately in regards to the gospel include: 1)feelings of discouragement that many of my questions will never be answered. The church has a URL (http://www.mormon.org/question/0,8534,795-1,00.html) at which you can submit questions concerning the gospel that is exclusively for non-members. Why can't they have a similar site for members to submit questions? I have tried to ask my Bishop and a counselor in the Stake presidency some of the questions listed on my webpage but have either got an "I don't know" or some form of speculation. How can I get a concrete answer? I feel cut off. The church wants to answer investigators questions but once you're a member you get referred to your local leaders. In principal I can understand this policy. But what do I do when they say "I don't know". Couldn't the church creat a "Frequently asked questions" section on their webpage for members too? Not everyone gets to have there question answered in the "I Have a question" section of the Ensign. I'd like to write letters to the brethren but they are busy. I have been encouraged not to write them in fact by a former bishop. It is very tempting to do so however because I hope for a reply (an acknowledgement that I exist, and an answer to my question by one who can speak officially for the church). If the brethren, don't want us to write letters I wish they would refrain from reading letters during General conference.
2) Believing that I can have a relationship with Christ and testimony of the atonement. I have started working through a new book recently called "He Did Deliver Me from Bondage" by Colleen C. Harrison, 2002 (ISBN:1-930738-01-3). I am hoping it will help me develop (or find again) a testimony of Christ and the atonement. I am currently working in the Principle 2 chapter. Some of the discussion deals with 'calling upon Christ' (see Alma 36:18 and 38:8). These scriptures have been an enigma to me for a while (see my Questions Section). I am not sure I get Colleen's discussion justifying our ability to call upon Christ. She acknowledges the strict commandment to pray to God in Christ's name but somehow justifies calling on Christ too (i.e. praying to Christ?). I still haven't found a general authority talk that discusses these principles or scriptures in regard to developing a relationship with Christ (or whether it is legal to call upon Christ). If you know of such a talk please e-mail me the reference. Is "calling upon Christ" and talking with him only something prophets get to do? 2 Nephi 33:3 relates that the Holy Ghost speaks the words of Christ. So we can indirectly access Christ's words via the Holy Ghost (I imagine however, when feeling the Holy Ghost relate something from Christ it doesn't feel indirect). Is this true of prayer too - Can we only indirectly address Jesus via prayer to Heavenly Father in Christ's name? Why is this so hard for me to understand?
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