I have been reading “The Miracle of Forgiveness” lately on the advice of my Bishop who I visited months ago. The first part of the book is stern stuff and at times it was hard to continue because it seems so impossible to keep all the commandments. I do realize that I could improve in some areas. As I read the following things stuck out to me: 1) a section on rebellion and traitors detailed members who criticize the leadership and programs of the church. I haven’t wanted to criticize the leaders but I have criticized in my mind the church as a whole because I believe it is impossible to do everything that is asked of us. I don’t know how it is possible. I have gotten to the point where I have thought it would be fun to write the questions I have on the internet for all to see. Some of the questions I have include: If God is unchangeable why do the gospel laws change from time to time? (Such as Blacks and the Priesthood, drinking of wine {Christ drank it, so did the Nephites}, if truth is truth then some of these changes are suspect). I also wonder about becoming “Gods”. If God is without beginning or end how was he ever like us? If he was like us isn’t Christ better than God because he led a perfect life, whereas God was once like us? I guess I shouldn’t write this stuff. There is no place to go to get an answer to these questions accept through possibly revelation. It therefore takes faith to be a member of the church because there are many unanswerable questions. 2) The section on stealing mentioned being honest in our labors and that made me want to make sure I give my employer my best efforts. Graduate school is so flexible that it has been easy to be casual in when I arrive at work. But I really want to be sure be an honest worker and give at the least 40 hrs/week. 3) Pres. Kimball quotes Proverbs 6:16-19. Verse 18 –‘An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief’ pricked my heart and made me wonder about my sex life with my wife (no details here). Sex is easy to feel guilty about, since it is drilled into our heads as off limits from seminary onwards as we grow up. Getting married was the weirdest experience because all of a sudden everything is OK.
I feel the church is very political in how it approaches doctrine sometimes. We as members are responsible to know all the commandments (which can basically be anything any leader says), but very few speeches are ever canonized. Which lets the church distance itself from anything one particular leader says more easily. I don’t think the church’s web page archives every article of the general authorities. I searched for the word ‘Negro’ and got no hits, but I know that Bruce R. McKonkie had said that blacks would never get the priesthood. Talks like this I am sure won’t be archived because then anti-Mormon web sites could directly link readers to quotes that would promote bad impressions of the church. I’ll have to see if any of Paul Dunn’s fictional talks are on there.
I tried to call my health providers today to get help for my depression. It is kind of an ordeal because it is a lottery in regards to which doctor to pick. They give you a huge list but I have no way of evaluating these people to make sure they are good. Last Saturday I went through another wave of frustration and anger in regards to the church. Lately, it seems to be getting this way and am resenting having to go to church on Sunday and have another day where I can’t do anything because it is the Sabbath. The family and I went to yard sales Saturday morning and it took a long time. I got frustrated after awhile because I wanted to get home and work on the yard with what little Saturday I had left. It was fast Sunday last weekend too, so I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to that either. Mom and Dad called on Friday to ask us if we wanted to participate in a family fast for everyone. I was more than willing to do that, and looked forward to it. Brother 1 has been unemployed for some time and also suffering with depression. Brother 3, is suffering with tendonitis in his arms and has had to stop playing in his band and his teaching. He is doing physical therapy and hopes to be better by July when he starts a graduate program in music performance (where he will be playing and teaching a lot). Brother 4, is trying to survive two more weeks of his first year in graduate school. Mom and Dad I think have something they are worried about too but I didn’t get the details. I am having depression problems too. So it was fun to fast for all of us this weekend and I hope and pray that it helps. Church was not bad on Sunday. I hope I don’t get worked up every weekend prior to church though.
We went out for lunch as a family on Saturday and it was quite an ordeal that we can laugh about more easily now. They gave us free balloons as we entered the restaurant and we popped two within minutes and gave the third one back. The kids were hungry and tired I think. My son stubbed his tow prior to starting the buffet line and had to have a band-aid prior to proceeding. Once we got going my son dropped a plate and broke it. He got really upset and broke into tears, I guess because he was embarrassed. Once we did get through there were several spills at the table. We made it but, I for one, was very ready to exit when the time came.
At one of the yard sales this morning we were very excited to pick up an electric rotatiller for five dollars. Now I can start tilling the back yard an get ready for planting a garden. I felt so blessed to find that tiller. I think God is aware of my desires. I also feel he must hear my prayers. I wonder why I have a hard time believing he is really their for me (i.e. loves me). How come I don’t trust him?