The Book of WWFGD

12:1

 Finally the day did come when FishGod did have to leave the Apostates. And FishGod was sore depressed, for there are no fun dialects in the Beyond.
12:2

And FishGod did say unto the Apostates, "The hour cometh when I must leave thee. But fear not, for mine divine marketing savvy hath revealed to me that thine heart holdeth one question above all others, namely, 'What would FishGod do?'

12:3

 "Verily, before I go, I shall answer this question so that thou art not ensnared by little religious knick-knacks, whose appeal is strong if thou art not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

12:4

 "Behold, I would use magic (or even Magik, which is more trendy) for I understand that it is all a work, much like professional wrestling. And as in professional wrestling, I would not use blood and violence for its own sake, but would allow as much as is natural, for that is Good Television.
12:5 "And I would use violence, for verily it is written that there are times when a man must kick a little ass. But I would always think it through, for he who commiteth violence for no good reason usually seemeth to have something to compensate for, if thou gettest mine meaning.
12:6 "And I would lie about mineself if I wanted to, for what I say is none of anybody's business. I would tell the truth about others, for they are none of my business. And I would not let the facts get in the way of a good story.
12:7 "I would not agree to disagree, for harmony is boring.
12:8 "Verily, I would take what's behind the door, for why the hell not?
12:9 "I would be kind to animals that deserve kindness. This would also apply to babies and appliances.
12:10 "I would not necessarily try my best at everything. For verily, there are only about five things thou canst do in a room where everybody hath their pants on that deserveth thine full effort.
12:11 "I would try to be a nice person, for if one is not a nice person one quickly becometh bitter and unpleasant. And verily, people cannot wait to punish unpleasant people for something.
12:12 "I would gladly overeat, for that is why cows are so big. I would smoke rarely, for that is why cigarettes are so expensive.
12:13 "I would pursue causes and grudges, for they art usually justified and make great stories later. I would protest often, for protests art appropriate events for wearing tie-dye, of where there are not many.
12:14 "I would cheat if it were not really cheating, which is often the case.
12:15 "I would not worry about money, for money can't buy me love. And behold, whena depression cometh the streets are spotted with dead rich guys, but the bums do persist in singing in boozy bliss, which shouldst tell thou something.
12:16 "And above all remember thou this: In the Sphere of Glory lie all the answers, and if thou findeth these answers incomprehensible, thou art probably misunderstanding the question, which namely is 'How's it going?'
12:17 "And behold, the answer is 'Fine, thanks.'"
12:18 And FishGod did wander of, which doth not make one seem like a show-off like transfiguration or ascension to heaven doth.
12:19 "And the Apostates did spread the last book, which did appeal to many. And verily, they were not the sharpest knives in the drawer.

 

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