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| With their immense size, razor-sharp teeth, and bat-like aerial moves, baby penguins are among the most lethal members of the animal community. No doubt that either you or someone you know has been attacked, killed, or both by these rampaging beasts. But recent breakthroughs have made your chances for avoiding a baby penguin attack better than ever. Found everywhere from the arid deserts of the Florida everglades to the glacial peaks of Death Valley, baby penguins have been attacking humans since the beginning of recorded history. Moses himself wrote often of being attacked by penguins, at one point pleading to God to smite them from the earth, or issue a commandment against them. Hundreds of the first settlers in the United States were wiped out by massive bands of baby penguins, most notably the colony of Roanoke, Virginia. Even now, in such populous urban areas as Fresno and Witchita, dozens of people are eaten alive hourly by these marauding terrors of the sky. But scientists at the Institute for the Complete Removal of Those God Damn Baby Penguins think they have come up with a solution. Dr. Dolly Parton says that he and his team of scientists have come up with five simple ways to protect you and your family. 1. Always wear a tri-corner hat made of aluminum foil. “As reptiles,” explains Dr. Parton, “baby penguins are very sensitive to light. The reflection from the foil will prevent an incoming penguin from attacking.” 2. Never carry poinsettias, or any form of Christmas-related foliage after four in the afternoon. Penguins traditionally feed on live human flesh from early afternoon to early morning since they are influenced by the tides. This effect can be worsened as they are attracted to the smell of plants such as mistletoe, blue spruce branches, and advent calendars. 3. Carry at least 60 pounds of ice cubes at all times. A baby penguin’s body temperature can reach over 200,000 degrees, and shoving ice cubes down their throat as they are trying to burn you with their acid-spit significantly reduces your chance of injury. 4. Avoid menstruation, pregnancy, sterility and menopause. The pheromones exuded by these things are large attractors of baby penguins. If at all possible, be born male to reduce the risk of all these conditions. 5. Human sacrifice. Dr. Parton’s research team has noted how lenient baby penguins are on humans who dabble in the black arts. In one focus group, baby penguins ate humans who sacrificed other humans significantly less than those that sacrificed cats or goats. Parton attributes this to Pengra, the Baby Penguin God. “Pengra is all powerful,” notes Dr. Parton. |
| HOW TO AVOID |
| A BABY PENGUIN ATTACK |